Jooles Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 (edited) I have 20 years worth of my grandmothers daily journals that document her daily activities along with her long term affair with a married police officer. She was very physically fit back in the early 1980's, and her husband ( my grandfather) was a physician and was very busy, and she was involved with several activities such as exercise groups, roller skating and ice skating. She kept meticulous daily journals during that time, and I am now the keeper of them. In 2005 my Grandmother ( whom I will call Joan), fell while skating, hitting her head and suffering a traumatic brain injury. She was in a coma following brain surgery, and it was touch and go for weeks. She survived, albeit, with deficits and physical restrictions and now lives in an assisted living community. Her husband (my grandfather) passed away several years before her accident. Her home and all it's content ( including THE journals) had to be dealt with during her time of infirmity and her house was sold, along with many of her belongings. I found the diaries during that time, and some of her children were aware she kept journals, but none of them were interested in having them and were vaguely suspicious that she had an affair, but chose to find no confirmation of that. So, I am the keeper of her story. Sadly, she denies having been unfaithful and has no recollection, or has forgotten of her journals. The Other Man (I will call him Dale), was married with 2 daughters. He was a respected police officer. I do not know if his wife ever found out about the affair, but, the two are still together living a quiet retired life. Joan and Dale had a system worked out in which they would meet at either the post office, or police station, and then either go to a restaurant, take jogs, or walks, go back to Joan's house if Doc was at work, or even fool around in the car. It is very obvious from the daily entries that Dale was the center of Joan's universe. Many life events came and went with a hasty note scribbled, but the daily comings and goings of what Dale was up to, whether they met or not, and their time together was painstakingly documented. Oddly, Joan and Doc were friendly socially with Dale and his wife. They attended the same parties and gatherings, and even vacationed together several times. Many in our family suspected Doc was also unfaithful, but, with no real evidence. We will never know if Doc was aware of Joan's affair, but suspect he may have. Theirs was not a marriage built on passionate true love, but more on mutual respect and convenience. I believe Dale was the true love of Joan's life. I wonder if they ever think of each other, and perhaps long for those busy, passionate years they shared ?? Reading through the daily entries is almost like watching a soap opera. Out of respect for my family I do not discuss any of this with them, but it is such a juicy interesting story that I needed to share it, even anonymously. I have seen pictures of Dale on his family's facebook pages, and when I first read the diaries I thought about sending him an anonymous letter telling him I know what went on, but decided that would serve no one. I wonder sometimes just how many people have a secret life that no one knows about?! Edited March 6, 2017 by Jooles
Cephalopod Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Don't tell. Given the situation and the massive hurt and pain it could cause all parties, in this instance I say burn the diaries. I can't believe I just said this. 1
KimJ1234 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Don't burn them. They were an important part of your Grandmother's life. And since she has a brain injury I'm sure these are the only way of really understanding her life since she can no longer recall. I wish I had journals from my Grandparents, it would be interesting. I wouldn't go around gossiping about it though. These are very personal details and should be dealt with respectfully. I'm surprised she put it in writing though, like providing evidence. Most people try to do everything to hide the affair, not document it. This makes me believe she had nothing to hide, your Grandfather probably knew. Very interesting though 1
Cephalopod Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 What if they wind up in less responsible hands? 1
KimJ1234 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 What if they wind up in less responsible hands? Put them in a locked safe They were obviously very important to his Grandmother. 1
Cephalopod Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Put them in a locked safe They were obviously very important to his Grandmother. What if she dies suddenly and someone less scrupulous gets access to safe?
ShatteredLady Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Don't burn them. They were an important part of your Grandmother's life. And since she has a brain injury I'm sure these are the only way of really understanding her life since she can no longer recall. I wish I had journals from my Grandparents, it would be interesting. I wouldn't go around gossiping about it though. These are very personal details and should be dealt with respectfully. Very interesting though I completely agree with the above. I would treasure that kind of social history of my ancestors. You're still very close to her narrative. Imagine how important the journals will be to your grandchildren. I hate the idea of destroying a very personal history of my family. This WILL be about the bigger picture in the future. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Am I the only one who thought 'poor Dales wife'...? Why are we glorifying a 20 year betrayal here as some star-crossed lovers nonsense... 15
Confused48 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 ^^^^I agree. Dales wife deserves to know the truth so she can decide for herself what she wants to do about it, if anything. No one wants to be living a lie. 2
harrybrown Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 your poor grandfather. if it was me, i would want to know. 1
Midlifecrisis1 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 ^^^^I agree. Dales wife deserves to know the truth so she can decide for herself what she wants to do about it, if anything. No one wants to be living a lie. Please be joking. These are old people. Just let them be. 9
Davey L Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I was in a slightly similar position, finding something like this amongst the possessions of someone that died. I looked and read some out of curiosity. I learnt something I'd rather not have known and destroyed the rest unread. If I am ever in this position again I won't even open or read a single word, it was meant to be private. 2
Cephalopod Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 ^^^^I agree. Dales wife deserves to know the truth so she can decide for herself what she wants to do about it, if anything. No one wants to be living a lie. All things considered, in a perfect world I would heartily agree. But this is a unique situation. Dale's wife is elderly. She is doing her best to live the best she can, as happily as she can, for the last few years she has left on this planet. What possible good could come from her learning about this now, when she is in no real position to leave Dale, or kick him out, or really do anything about it? To tell her would be to emprison her in a house with a husband who she will loathe and hate but cannot afford to get away from. That would be awful. In this case I think OP needs to destroy the journals lest they somehow fall into the hands of some unwise person with possibly selfish motives. 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I am 61 years old. I would not want to know and i would not want anyone to have access to my diaries. I have told john many times....if you have secrets that you have never told me....other affairs or details i don't know. Keep them to yourself. I don't want to know. I want to live the rest of my days fat dumb and happy....and finding out secrets...would not change how i feel about my husband. I am relating this to me personally... and I would want you to destroy the diaries....and keep your mouth shut. 6
road Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 The other BW deserves the truth. I would tell her. No good comes from covering up lies.
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 How do we know that she doesn't already know...and has chosen reconciliation. Why do we assume she never knew and already made her choice? 4
WilyWill Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) What would your grandfather want? I can say as a man that I would not want my memory tarnished. Edited March 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T
somanymistakes Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 This is not a situation where meddling by telling anyone would do any good, I can't understand why people are even suggesting it. It can't help anyone. It can only harm them. On the other hand I don't like the idea of destroying them either. Stories like this can present a very valuable view of the past long after us. And they're a part of her - destroying them would be throwing her away. Just lock them up carefully to be kept out of sight until everyone involved is gone. 3
LostDecades Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Jooles, I think you should look at things in the following way. Your Grand kept the journals with an expectation of privacy. That is, she had no intention to share them with anyone. Her current physical and mental condition does not mean that she gave up that expectation. This is different than ownership of the journals. So, I am the keeper of her story.Then you are the custodian of her privacy. Does that makes sense to you? Sadly, she denies having been unfaithful and has no recollection, or has forgotten of her journals. Does this mean that you have questioned her? Someone actually asked her if she had been unfaithful? I can't wrap my head around a conversation like that. Are you willing to be questioned about your sex life by a family member. What was the purpose of asking her if the journals already answer the question? As a matter of family and social history you should scan the journals. Delete any salacious portions. This does not mean deleting every reference to Dale. It seems that the oral history held by your Grand's children is that they had suspicions that both parents may have been unfaithful. You can document these suspicions in the family history that you keep. Remember, you're the keeper of her story. And as the steward of her story you are responsible for carrying out what you perceive her wishes would be. She would not want this information disclosed. 2 cents of advice from a random guy on the Internet. 5
Lady Hamilton Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I can't believe people are advocating blowing up the lives of a retired couple and a mentally infirm woman in an assisted living facility over information only found while assisting her by securing her assets and property because she's unable to do so. The affair is over and done, everybody has moved on, and one of the participants is now a member of one of the most vulnerable segments of society: disabled elderly person in the care of a facility. Let's not exploit that out of selfishness disguised as altruism. If you were caring for somebody who was disabled, would you wave their dirty underwear and announce "Aunt Jean craps herself!" No. Because people with these types of struggles need all the dignity and protection one can provide. That should be honored first and foremost. It's her private property, received only through her need for people to help her as she's unable to do so herself, she's unable to explain or defend herself, and having this thrown in her face in her condition may be traumatizing. And not knowing anything about the other family, one may find they're facing together similar twilight year-related issues and such revelations may destructive than it would be for the average person. Keep it as a family heirloom (I'm stunned family members wouldn't care. Unless they're estranged that's so odd) and let it go. 7
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 When my MIL passed away, my wife discovered her mom had been married before (no one knew) and the overlap with the dates of events with my FIL was, shall I say, suspicious. Of course, we told no one. And neither OP, should you... Mr. Lucky 2
deadsoul Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Agree. This one needs to stay hidden. I'm not sure about destroying the journals, but you don't want them falling into the wrong hands.
NikonRN Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I can't believe that people are taking the vindictive stance because it involves an affair. Might need to take your personal experiences out of the equation. Im assuming that you don't know how it ended and the one that knows has dementia. It could've been an amicable parting. It could've been that all involved parties know about affair and it's long been resolved. It's in the past, everyone has moved on with their lives. Leave it be. What will it solve? It is no ones business but the parties involved. 3
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I wasn't advocating telling anyone anything... what I said was I can't believe we are romanticising a betrayal... on an infidelity board no less. Just because they're old, or have a brain injury doesn't make what they did any more honorable than any other story we read on here. They're just another pair of cheaters who just never got caught until they had one foot in the proverbial. OP - take those diaries to your grave... but see it for what it really is. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 You don't know that they never got caught... No one in my husbands family knows about my affair.... If they were to find out and take it upon themselves to "do good" and reveal it to everyone in the family... what good could possible come from it? We certainly know about it and handled it the way we wanted to handle it. Some people keep their affairs private... they deal with them privately. It doesn't mean that those involved don't know... it means that it was never talked about. Especially two generations ago... when people stayed married regardless. It was a different time ... socially. People lived their lives much more privately than we do now in a twittering world. 2
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