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Posted

Hello!

 

So I need some advice. I met this guy on an online dating site (paid for) and from the start it all felt amazing. He ended things with me last Friday, after 3 months of dating. He is almost 30 years old, I am almost 27. He has never had a real relationship, neither have I.

 

He was a real gent, taking me to nice places, always picking up the bill, but also doing little things like opening the door for me, always bringing some wine or ice cream when he came over to my place. We really clicked and got along so well, always laughing. We started sleeping with each other and even in the bedroom we seemed to have great chemistry. He was very affectionate and caring, always looking to touch me in some way. I have always known he was quite closed off and private due to things that had happened in the past, and he had been hurt badly in the past, leading him to have his guard up and walls and shields. From the beginning on he told me he doesn’t want to rush into things, which I agreed with. It took him a while to really open up to me but the more we saw each other the better he was getting at it. After about 7 dates we decided to be exclusive. He has a very busy life, works 6 days a week, always goes to see family on a Sunday (he’s half Italian), and has a lot of work commitments after work as well. I’ve been very relaxed about all this, as when we were together it was all great. I saw him again last Wednesday and he said he hoped to see me Friday but that depended on whether or not he had to see his cousin from Italy. Because he always does so much for me, I decided to show my appreciation to him and bought him some boxers (I unfortunately can’t afford to take him to nice places). I gave it to him in a really casual way not at all in a girlfriend type way, and told him I just wanted to show him my appreciation for everything he does for me. He really appreciated it and even said ‘alright let me go and give you a fashion show!’. Friday comes around and he says he is free to see me, so naturally I am excited. However, when I see him he is distant. We start talking and I could tell something is up, so I asked him if he was still happy with us. His response was ‘ I like you an awful lot, am really attracted to you and love spending time with you, but I don’t know if I am in love…and I don’t know that if I am not after three months, if I ever will. I have never been through this before and I don’t know how I am feeling, I have a lot of walls and shields up. I don’t know if I can give you what you want or give you the attention that you deserve. I can tell how much you like me but I don’t know if I am in the same place as you. I’d rather break things off now than keep dating and hurt you more in the future’. He said that he felt like this for a little bit, but at some point he did see a future with me. He told his mum, dad, brother and his closest friends about me and they would all be really upset once he told them he ended things with me, especially his mum as she was really keen on meeting me. I was very upset about this and have no idea how this came about. The Wednesday before it was all great – he cooked for me, was his usual affectionate and caring self and said he really hoped he could see me Friday. And then Friday comes around and he breaks things off? I highly doubt he spoke to any of his friends or family about doing this and to me it feels like a rushed decision, one he hasn’t really thought through. Also him saying he felt like this for a little bit doesn’t make sense as when we discussed Valentine’s day I told him I wasn’t expecting anything as we ‘are nothing’ and he responded saying ‘well we are something’. And then he goes to take me to this amazing and fairly expensive restaurant. And the dates after that were amazing too. What has changed his mind so sudden? He said he wasn’t talking to anyone else, hasn’t dated anyone else and probably won’t be able to get back on the dating horse anytime soon. I could tell that when we were talking he was hurt and he couldn’t look me in the eye. I am very confused as to what has happened in between Thursday morning when he left my house (and told me again he’d hoped to see me Friday) and Friday evening when he broke things off. I feel like he has gotten scared and decided to end things. It takes longer for some to develop feelings than for others…I don't even know if I am 'in love', I just know I really like him. I know he has feelings for me, but I have no idea why he has suddenly gone from being affectionate and all that to being able to break things off…What are your thoughts? His change of mind is very sudden and there was no indication that he felt this way...

Posted

I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did. It's not much consolation, but most new relationships end about the time yours did--around the three-month mark.

 

You won't get answers to all your questions. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what was going on with him, focus instead on you. What did you learn from this relationship? What might you want to do differently next time around? Were there signs, red flags, etc. that you might have missed.

 

Try to stay busy and occupied. Now might be a good time to take up a new hobby that you always wanted to try. In time, you'll feel better.

  • Author
Posted

thanks for this...i messaged him and said i just wanted to see him for a drink and a catch up - very casual message, nothing too emotional. He replied with: I know that meeting up and chatting seems like a good idea but i think the feelings will still be too strong and I don't think it will be a good idea for us to meet up just yet.

 

I am assuming he is talking about my feelings here, but after having NC for a week, he can't possibly know how I feel? For me the reason to see him is more to get some answers, not trying to change his mind..

Posted
thanks for this...i messaged him and said i just wanted to see him for a drink and a catch up - very casual message, nothing too emotional. He replied with: I know that meeting up and chatting seems like a good idea but i think the feelings will still be too strong and I don't think it will be a good idea for us to meet up just yet.

 

I am assuming he is talking about my feelings here, but after having NC for a week, he can't possibly know how I feel? For me the reason to see him is more to get some answers, not trying to change his mind..

 

It's only been a week, so it's safe to say he knows you're not over him yet.

 

Unfortunately, many dumpees never really get the answers they're hoping for. I think the fact that he declined your invitation to meet is significant, though. He surely knows what you want to talk about and he doesn't want to answer the questions you understandably have.

 

I'm sorry, I know this is baffling and hurtful behaviour.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

I have a feeling he met someone else, not to date but happened to meet somewhere and was attracted to her. He then realised he did not feel the same about you. I doubt he has been frightened off by the thought of commitment due to you giving him a gift. I expect he was enjoying the romance and fun and then realised you were getting keen on him. It is horrible because if you are dating someone and like them, then you are bound to get more attached. This seems to be the way a lot of relationships go with apparently commitment phobic guys, but really they were never as emotionally involved in the first place.

 

I don't know what it is about the three-month mark but it does seem to be when people start to appraise the situation and see if they are getting more or less attached. It sounds like that's what he did. Three months seems to be the stage when both are over the immediate excitement of meeting someone new, have probably got intimate a few times, and are then asking themselves if this is 'the one' or, if they are still keen, wondering where the relationship is going.

Edited by spiderowl
  • Like 1
Posted
For me the reason to see him is more to get some answers, not trying to change his mind..

What answers would satisfy you? He already said he doesn't love you and doesn't think he will love you. Do you want him to tell you why he'll never love you? Will you feel better or worse if he tells you all the reasons he'll never commit to you? Be honest, do you really want answers or are you hoping to keep communication open in the hopes that you can change his mind/he'll spontaneously decide he wants you?

 

The beginning stages of dating are the "trying on" phase. It's like going clothes shopping. You put on a dress, run your hands over your body in it, look in the mirror. You ask yourself, "do I feel sexy? Confident? Vibrant? Do I want to go out and show it off? Am I excited to show my friends and family? Is it worth the investment?"

 

He tried you on and didn't feel the way he needed to in order to invest.

 

It's very possible that he was affectionate while also considering leaving you. He gave it his best shot but, ultimately, it's not what he wanted. He might have also felt genuinely guilty about hurting you, hence not meeting your gaze, because there's nothing wrong with you as a person.

 

Like was said earlier, take this time to focus on yourself not him. What can you do differently next time? What did you learn from this?

Posted

He didnt change his mind all of a sudden, he just didnt want to pursue the relationship any longer. He told you exactly how he felt about the situation, Im not sure why you are confused. After dating someone for a few months, one pretty much knows if they want to continue to pursue the relationship, or if it just isnt working that well. Apparently with him, it wasnt a relationship he wanted to continue.

 

Did you really get him boxers in appreciation of the things he did for you??

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