Lost and need guidance!

[DMBA11]

First allow me to summarize the situation - I know its long but hear me out -

 

I am 20 years older than my ex and we met via casual walks in the park with our dogs. I knew all along she and I had no future do to the complete differences we had in life goals. She's 34, never been married and no kids and was really struggling with that when we started our friendship. We talked in detail about those things as If I was acting as her Father giving advise.

 

As time went on we grew closer and closer and started a relationship. I have to say it was the first one for me in almost 8 years since my divorce. I was so excited that someone showed me love and affection that I made her my life. I was so taken that someone that much younger than me could care or even be attracted to me that I just wanted to put a shell around it so no one could take it away from me.

 

I didnt understand how someone so beautiful and 20 years my junior could care for me that I lived in a state of protection of her and us so much so I smothered her. I pushed for things to move faster than needed and I was so quick to want to label our relationship as that is what my mind told me I needed to do to. I was so afraid that the age difference would be an issue, I made it an issue...She didn't.

 

During the first few months we were together she still had her ex's pic as her screen saver on her phone. I asked about it and she would just say it's not because of him, it's the beautiful background of the pic is why she kept it on there. Needless to say, instead of accepting her actions I felt threatened. I always felt she would find someone younger, better suited for her dreams and better than me. I was always jealous and questioned things I think due to me wanting to not loose what I had. She would stay with me almost every night but I wasnt included in a lot of her plans the next day. She would go out to tailgate parties and not ask me to go but then send me pics of all the fun she was having. But never asking me to go. Instead of me seeing it as her time alone I felt as if she didnt want me to meet her friends due to my age difference and she was just trying to make me miss her or get me jealous.

 

We had some amazing times together in the 5 months we were together but also had some bad arguments due to my consistent jealousy and thinking she was always looking for someone younger or better suited for her. When she probably wasnt at that time. I had even stated during some of our arguments that I wasnt the right one for her and she needed to find him. Why I said that I don't know, but it was were my mind allowed me to think it was the right thing to say instead of listening to her. As if I needed the upper hand and wanted her to always confess her love for me and beg me to not leave her.

 

Needless to say, it all came to a head about 1 month ago. While driving her home at the end of an evening, she asked if she was staying at my place or hers that night. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said, I want to know what you want me to do. When i said, I'd love for you to stay but if your tired go ahead and get some rest. She then said, Oh you don't want me to stay with you? I didnt know what to say and this was something that she would do almost every time at the end of the evenings together. It was like a game and no matter how I answered it - I would be wrong. I dropped her off at her home and left quickly as I felt she didnt want to stay but wanted me to be the one to tell her not too. I always wanted her to stay with me but I wanted to try to feel the right things and if she was tried it was ok. Yet inside I always felt that if she didnt want to stay with me it was due to her talking, texting or looking for someone else. And yes i did something even more wrong by looking at her text message on her phone one morning why she was in the shower. I saw where she was still texting her ex a lot. I killed me inside that I wasnt good enough for her and she was looking for something else or couldn't let go of what she had before and was I only a rebound for her. She explained it as she didnt think it was an issue to still be talking to him. That the texts were just about updates in their lives and so on. Yet Im thinking to my self, this is someone that told me she loved me but is still talking to her ex. She then said in an angry way, He has some of my stuff and If I don't talk to him he will not return those items. Which of course I didnt understand that at all. But instead of trying to understand I assumed if she was doing this - she really didnt love me. Man was I ever wrong.

 

I did so many things wrong, jealousy, control issues and most of all insecurities of my own that I drove her away. When we sat down to talk after the most recent issue, she said to me that she would stay with me sometimes so I wouldn't get disappointed with her even though she didnt want to stay. It hurt me deeply to hear that and Instead of trying to understand her - I said I cant do this anymore and it was over. We needed time apart and then see what happens. She grabbed her things she had with her and I asked her to take some other cloths she had at my place so as all her belongs were gone.

 

We kissed goodbye and she texted me when she got home. She said she was safe and apologized for making me feel that she didnt want to be with me. She said I'll never know how much you mean to me and that I love you! I responded with I understood and I was sorry that I ever gave her reason to feel that way and she needed to be in a relationship that never made her feel like that again. I told her I loved her too and that time apart was needed when i knew in my heart that's not what I wanted. As if I was wanting her to come crawling back to me. We exchanged a few "thinking about you" texts but nothing more after that.

 

About a week later we she came over to watch the super bowl with me and we exchanged a few hugs and kisses but it was never anything more than that. We've exchanged positive texts after than and I asked her several times to met me out somewhere or for a hike with our dogs. She always would give a detailed answer as to why she couldn't meet me but never offered a different time or anything. Just detail about how much she had going on and couldn't join me.

 

A week or so passed by and communication became less and I tried to move on. I felt I was doing too much to try to see her and I had to stop. She texted me a few times related to a small surgery I was having to see if I was ok but that was it. A few days later, I stopped at a pet store to get some dog food and guess who came around the corner and almost ran into me. Her and her dog. Except this time she was with another man and his dog. I didnt know what to do or how to react as I immediately thought - she's moved on already. She gave me a "one armed" hug and asked how i was. Never introducing me to him or anything. He just stood there quietly. The meeting It only about 1 min and I knew I had to walk away correctly. So I said it was great to see her and then looked at him and introduced myself with a hand shake and he did also. I then walked away. I was crushed - how could she have someone new already. No matter if they were just friends I felt as if I didnt mean anything to her and she was already on to someone new.

 

It's been 10 days now and I haven't heard a word from her and I haven't tried to contact her. I ended this and I am heart broken and cant seem to get past her.

 

Is it because I miss her, the thought of her, the closeness I hadn't felt in so long? Or is it I cant get over how badly I treated her and that she encompassed my everyday activities and now I have no one. I felt I had to fight for her to stay with me when I ultimately pushed her away. I honestly don't want her back - I don't deserve her and I know her goals in life don't match mine and her new man appears to be very close to her age. I truly want her to be happy and Ive always pushed her to continue her dreams and not to allow anything or anyone (including myself) to get in the way.

 

I have purchased some book on over coming jealousy, possessiveness and insecurities. I have deep dived into those to help me overcome my issues and to correct my faults. I see now what I have done and lost a love that was so important to me.

 

Why cant I get passed her? Why cant I move on. I feel compelled to apologize to her for how I hurt her. Yes there was some fault on her part but mainly mine. Where do I go from here?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, stop and think:

 

Who keeps a photo of an ex-boyfriend as their phone wallpaper after entering a new relationship? And then keeps it up, despite causing the new boyfriend discomfort?

 

Answer: Someone who isn't over her ex.

 

You may have been overly-needy or smothering, but I also don't think you were wrong about her not really being all that invested or committed to you. I don't know the history with her ex, but there were red flags to suggest she was still into him..or at the very least, not with you for the right reasons.

 

I have a feeling she would've found her way out of the relationship at some point anyway. Your clinginess perhaps expedited that, but it doesn't appear that she had done much to integrate your into her life beyond spending the nights with you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't get the impression that this relationship really had legs to go the distance.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much now. I absolutely think you made the right decision in ending it. Your gut was talking to you and telling you that she wasn't in this relationship the same way you were. There's no need to apologize; it likely won't yield the results you want anyway.

 

Keep up No Contact, work on your self-esteem and make way in your heart for the type of woman who comes into a relationship with no Ex Photos On The Phone Homescreen. That right there was a metaphor for trouble.

[Maldives]

OP, stop and think:

 

Who keeps a photo of an ex-boyfriend as their phone wallpaper after entering a new relationship? And then keeps it up, despite causing the new boyfriend discomfort?

 

Answer: Someone who isn't over her ex.

 

You may have been overly-needy or smothering, but I also don't think you were wrong about her not really being all that invested or committed to you. I don't know the history with her ex, but there were red flags to suggest she was still into him..or at the very least, not with you for the right reasons.

 

I have a feeling she would've found her way out of the relationship at some point anyway. Your clinginess perhaps expedited that, but it doesn't appear that she had done much to integrate your into her life beyond spending the nights with you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't get the impression that this relationship really had legs to go the distance.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much now. I absolutely think you made the right decision in ending it. Your gut was talking to you and telling you that she wasn't in this relationship the same way you were. There's no need to apologize; it likely won't yield the results you want anyway.

 

Keep up No Contact, work on your self-esteem and make way in your heart for the type of woman who comes into a relationship with no Ex Photos On The Phone Homescreen. That right there was a metaphor for trouble.

 

I 2nd thst it's not ur fault ur gut sensed u were just protecting ur heart. Don't apologise tgeres no need

[DMBA11]

OP, stop and think:

 

Who keeps a photo of an ex-boyfriend as their phone wallpaper after entering a new relationship? And then keeps it up, despite causing the new boyfriend discomfort?

 

Answer: Someone who isn't over her ex.

 

You may have been overly-needy or smothering, but I also don't think you were wrong about her not really being all that invested or committed to you. I don't know the history with her ex, but there were red flags to suggest she was still into him..or at the very least, not with you for the right reasons.

 

I have a feeling she would've found her way out of the relationship at some point anyway. Your clinginess perhaps expedited that, but it doesn't appear that she had done much to integrate your into her life beyond spending the nights with you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't get the impression that this relationship really had legs to go the distance.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much now. I absolutely think you made the right decision in ending it. Your gut was talking to you and telling you that she wasn't in this relationship the same way you were. There's no need to apologize; it likely won't yield the results you want anyway.

 

Keep up No Contact, work on your self-esteem and make way in your heart for the type of woman who comes into a relationship with no Ex Photos On The Phone Homescreen. That right there was a metaphor for trouble.

 

I really appreciate your honesty. I saw so many things that for some reason I overlooked or made myself overlook since I was going to do what ever I thought I could to keep her.

 

It's been 13 days since Ive received a text or any communication from her and I am working each day to move on. Hard as hell - but Ive learned one thing "Pain and Hurt" are not reasons that you made the wrong decision. It's just part of the process.

 

Dont know if I will ever hear from her again and that's best. She's not on social media (thank goodness) and we dont share any of the same friends or places we frequent so running into her is not something I worry about too much.

 

Man this really sucks -