CloudyHead Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I met boyfriend in August and casually dated him until November when we became exclusive. In January, one of his male friends made several statements to boyfriend and his other friends that I was interested in him and his girlfriend was jealous of me (mind you everyone is in their mid 40's to early 50's). Boyfriend told me about these comments. I asked him what am I supposed to do? I was never alone with his friend and only met the guy three times and every time he was with his girlfriend. Boyfriend told his friend that in the future, we would no longer get together as a couple and that the two of them could do things together. I contacted the girlfriend and asked her what I had done to cause her to be jealous to which she responded that she was not jealous but her boyfriend told her about inappropriate comments I had made to him. I never made those comments and pointed out to her that I only spoke to her boyfriend in her presence. I thought that issue was resolved. This weekend, boyfriend and I went out to dinner with two of his friends who are dating and living together (different couple than the ones above). The male friend kept looking at me to the point I asked him if he had something that he wanted to tell me. He said "no". I said "if you have something you want to get off your chest, now is the time". He said "we all know there is a white elephant in the room". I said "I didn't know what. What is it?" He responded that he didn't want to talk to about it. Afterwards, when I was alone with boyfriend, I asked him about it. Boyfriend said he had no idea what the guy was referring to. I told boyfriend that I honestly don't understand what is going on with his friends and that I felt that I have not said or done anything to cause any problems. Boyfriend responded that he's thought about it himself and that the only thing he can figure out is that we are happy with each other and it shows and maybe everyone else is jealous. Any thoughts on how to deal with this issue? It's a new issue for me.
CptInsano Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 There is something happening with his group of friends. Your boyfriend may truly not know, but I would put him on the spot to find out what it is. Make sure that he takes an active role in resolving whatever it is, so you don't get surprised again.
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I suspect the first guy you talked about doesn't like you or is up set you are taking up your BFs time and leaving him out in the cold. He lost his buddy. THAT would explain the bull $%^& story that he fed his GF. And of course she told everyone else in the group and so on. Your BF needs to grow a set and confront the source of this accusation.....his friend. Also I would confront your BF about how he didn't handle the situation at all.......either he is in denial or he is wondering who he should believe, his friend or you. Don't let this sit, you need to take firm action. 2
OatsAndHall Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 This is on your boyfriend to handle. I would tell him to handle it and remove yourself from the situation. If there's a "white elephant in the room", then I would avoid contact with his friends as it's apparent that they aren't adult enough to step away from the situation and act correctly. I had girlfriend once that my friends disliked for various reasons. But, they were never openly rude to her when we spent time with them. One of them expressed his distaste several times and I told him that he had no obligation to spend time with her and I as a couple, that I respected his opinion of her but that I was with her and he was making things difficult by whining about her.
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 "A White elephant in the room" is not a real phrase. There is "a white elephant" which is a gift which you cannot refuse but you don't want it either. A useless possession or gift. And there is the idiom "an elephant in the room" which means there is large problem which everyone is ignoring and no-one wants to discuss or no-one want to challenge the accepted group think. Is that a genuine mistake or an allusion to the problem maybe. Yes it may be the alleged flirting, but why would this other guy be worried about that, or is this a racist problem maybe? Or are you perceived in some way as being different from the group? Are they trying to run you off? Where is your bf's ex? Was she perhaps an accepted and loved member of the group and you are seen as an interloper? Whatever it is you need to get to the bottom of it though.
O'Malley Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 It sounds like the friend is jealous and this is his way of acting out. If he makes another snarky comment in public, speak up, "Stop making up stories about me. Is there a reason that you dislike me, other than I'm dating your friend?" Then ignore; if he doesn't like you, it's his problem. Whenever this guy acts up, you and your boyfriend should act like a team - your boyfriend should be telling his friend to stop acting ridiculous. He probably wants to avoid conflict, but that doesn't mean he should passively accept his friend's behavior; his silence is giving his friend the idea that it's OK to behave that way towards you.
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Afterwards, when I was alone with boyfriend, I asked him about it. Boyfriend said he had no idea what the guy was referring to. I don't believe that one minute. I cannot imagine being out to dinner with my bf and one of my friends making out-loud insinuation about him and I'd say nothing. I would have MADE the friend talk about it. We would have gone at the bottom of all this right then and there. Why your boyfriend didn't? Why your boyfriend doesn't take your side? Why didn't he demand clarification right there? What boyfriend lets people make public insinuation about his girlfriend without reacting? Your boyfriend knows exactly what is going on. 2
Author CloudyHead Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 I do know that with the one friend who claimed I had an interest in him (and told everyone that I did and that his girlfriend was jealous of me) that he did tell that friend that I did not have an interest in him and, to avoid further problems, that the two of us would no longer interact with him and he was tired of the comments. And, we have not interacted with them. It was a different friend who made the comment on Saturday. I know that boyfriend has asked what the comment meant and he's not gotten an answer from the guy. Boyfriend has said that if the comments continue, then we will not interact with them as a couple either. There is no ex in the picture. This is not a race issue. I took the comment to mean that there was something in the room that needed to be discussed. Boyfriend has been friends with these men for over twenty years. My only interaction with these men are when I am with boyfriend. Otherwise, I have no contact with them. I'm not friends with them on social media and do not have their cell numbers.
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 (edited) I do know that with the one friend who claimed I had an interest in him (and told everyone that I did and that his girlfriend was jealous of me) that he did tell that friend that I did not have an interest in him and, to avoid further problems, that the two of us would no longer interact with him and he was tired of the comments. And, we have not interacted with them. It was a different friend who made the comment on Saturday. I know that boyfriend has asked what the comment meant and he's not gotten an answer from the guy. Boyfriend has said that if the comments continue, then we will not interact with them as a couple either. Unless.....this friend is diverting attention because his GF found some suspicious texts from another woman, and he is accusing you....that would make sense. There is no ex in the picture. This is not a race issue. I took the comment to mean that there was something in the room that needed to be discussed. Boyfriend has been friends with these men for over twenty years. My only interaction with these men are when I am with boyfriend. Otherwise, I have no contact with them. I'm not friends with them on social media and do not have their cell numbers. Yes we get that and we are not questioning you. Just that we are trying to figure out, why an adult middle aged man, who has been friends with your BF for years, would come up with something so childish, and to bring others into his web of lies.....it just doesn't make any sense. What could motivate someone to do such a thing. If I had a friend like this, I would definitely be very confrontational about it. Edited March 6, 2017 by smackie9 2
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 All you can do is rise above it. Your BF's choice was to remove you two from the situation. Respect that. You know you didn't say the things you are being accused of. It's impossible to prove a negative. If you haven't already tell your BF about the conversation with the 1st friend's GF where you learned what you were being accused of. Assure your BF you didn't say or do that. Then never bring it up again & get on with your life.
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 My theory is this guy is diverting attention because his GF found some suspicious texts form another woman, and he blamed it on you .......
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Having 1 jealous friend is possible but having 2 friends insinuating things about you and your boyfriend does nothing to clarify the matter? Something is going on and he is not telling you. 1
rester Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 It sounds like there is some rumor going around his social circle about you. I'd want to figure out what that "elephant in the room" is and think it's disrespectful of your boyfriend to not take care of the situation. If he truly cares about you and wants you to be a part of his life, that includes his social circle and he needs to set the record straight about whatever is going on. The whole thing sounds bizarre. And one has to wonder why would a man in his 40s be willing to give up long-time friends for a woman he's only been dating for a few months. Why doesn't he talk to his friends and get to the bottom of this?? Is he extremely conflict averse? I find it hard to believe he wouldn't discuss this with friends that go back 20 something years. 2
rester Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Afterwards, when I was alone with boyfriend, I asked him about it. Boyfriend said he had no idea what the guy was referring to. I told boyfriend that I honestly don't understand what is going on with his friends and that I felt that I have not said or done anything to cause any problems. Boyfriend responded that he's thought about it himself and that the only thing he can figure out is that we are happy with each other and it shows and maybe everyone else is jealous. Sorry, but that sounds like such a load of crap! That does not make any sense at all. 2
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