Helenahrt Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Hi everyone, This is the first time I post something in the community and I'm looking foward for some good perspectives about my last relationship. I don't think I can be brief, so thanks in advance if you read everything. So here's the thing. My exbf and I met each other in a moment were both of us weren't looking for anything. I have to say that he's 7yrs younger than me but somehow never felt the age difference, we have a lot of things in common (I'm 29, he's 22). We were in a relationship for almost 4yrs and we brokeup like 2 times during the relationship for less than a week and then came back and be stronger and more passionate about each other. The thing is that this time we broke up for good. He confessed me that he liked this other girl and he felt a connection with her that was beyond his understanding. I thought it couldn't be possible that he was in a relationship with me and feeling this things for other girl. I was so hurt. He suddenly started taking care of his health a little bit harder, he bought new clothes, he was trying to be his best at school.. and he was even talking about wanting to get married someday! Which was shocking for me since he never believed in marriage since his parents are divorced. I cried so hard when he left me, I made the mistake of begging him to reconsider and to work on our relationship. I told him that I understood that he liked someone else but that there was no need to throw everything away for something that could have just been a strong physical attraction. But he said that he couldn't stop thinking about her and that thought she had something special and that she was the opposite of all he was; and that he had no feelings for me anymore, at least not the ones I wanted. That he loved me but as a friend and that he would always remember our relationship as the best thing that happened to him, but that he couldn't be with me anymore. I got so depressed. He was my first everything. I took care of myself for so long and thought that he was the one and I wasn't that important to him anymore. So I stopped talking to him for like a month, trying to heal, but just couldn't think about anything else no matter how many new activities I was doing. I got into piano lessons, volleyball, gym.. etc After a month we texted me that he needed help with his English classes, and that he wanted me to be his tutor. I shouldn't have accepted but I did. I was so excited to see him again. And when we met we spoke like for hours and hours mostly about him and his changes. Everything was fine till he mentioned his girlfriend and I tried to hide my reaction but I dont know if he noticed. Again when I got home I was devastated. I had thrown down all my progress and I was in day 1 of the breakup again. We kept texting each other and he invited me to the movies, to coffee, to eat.. again I accepted every invitation just to be able to see him, but I wasn't the same, I was cold and I felt he was trying hard to get the old me, the sweet one. We were like this like for 3 weeks and then he brought out the break up and that he was sorry about the way things ended but that he deeply cared about me and that it was something he couldn't explain but that he was still in love with this girl. He even told me he was having problems with her but that he knew that she was the one. I told him I was not the best person to talk about those things and he said he respected that and that I was right. By the fourth week he convinced me to study in his room and ended seducing me to have sex. That has been the worst mistake I ever made, because after that he told me that he didn't want to lose my friendship. FRIENDSHIP! What was I expecting? For him to say that he wanted to be in a relationship again? I cried harder than when we broke up when I got home. So the next week I made any excuse not to see him. Long story short - I finally accepted to go on a trip with his family and I wasnt strong enough. It was oficial, I was the lover now. This week I realized I was not been rational, so I spoke to him about how bad I felt and that he was not respecting his current relationship. He said I was right and we agreed not to see each other but still "be friends". So the day before yesterday he texted me saying that his girlfriend had broke up with him and that we has feeling awful. He was so sad that it broke my heart knowing that he is going through the same thing I went through with him. I try to cheer him up but he just doesnt deserve my support. I went through this by myself, actually I'm still dealing with it and he hasnt made it easy for me either. But my love for him has gone beyond rational and I lost myself in the way. Why am I in this situation? I know we are never going back again. He doesn't want me back and I dont think he deserves me. Why can we stop being friends? I have tried. I think I need profesional help. What do you think about this? Has this happened to you ? What should I do?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 You two can't be friends right now. You need to try harder not to allow him into your life. Up until now, you've been giving him too much access to you and it hasn't gone well. He is crying to you about another girl. That isn't right. You aren't the person he should be relying on. It's so inappropriate and indicates what poor boundaries and insight he has. I would have hung up the damn phone on him. I think you need to let him go for good. He started dating you when he was a teen. You're nearly 30 now. 7 years does indeed make a difference at your respective ages, in my experience, particularly when it's the woman who's older. You're approaching a stage in your life where you will probably be looking to settle down. He's nowhere near there, and probably won't be for a long time. You two probably shared some nice memories, but it sounds like he checked out a while ago and it's time you accept that and really begin to move on. Professional help isn't a bad idea if you find you're having difficulty identifying and sticking to your own boundaries. It will help you extricate yourself from this and heal, so that your next relationship will be healthier and happier.
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Your story illustrates very well why you, as a dumpee, cannot be "best friends" with the ex who dumped you. He is now using you as a FWB and a shoulder to cry on when he split with his new gf... He can do that as you still "love" him and will put up with just about anything to keep him in your life. People break up to essentially see other people, there is no ongoing love story, no grieving for "the love of their life"... They move on, leaving the dumpee to do the grieving. Enough for both usually. He loves being your friend as who wouldn't like to have someone as a friend who really loves them, who will do anything for them, who will even have sex with them. BUT you get a guy who will USE you until he can find someone who he really loves.
Author Helenahrt Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 (edited) Hello! Thanks for your advise. At first I thought it was hard, I thought that nobody could understand my situation, but the thing is I got sick already of feeling sad over the breakup and about watching him suffer for someone else. I took both of your advise and I decided to speak to him. I told him that I knew he knew that I still love him and that even if I don't want it or like it I was constantly feeling hurt by this situation and that if he truly respected me a little he would let me go. He said he wasnt in a position right now of making a decision, so I told him this wasn't his decision, that it was my decision and I wanted him to respect it and to help me avoid contact if he really "appreciates" me as he has said before. I told him that I really appreciated his friendship but that we couldn't be friends anymore. To be honest I don't think he's going to leave me alone; even though he said he would, so I blocked him from everywhere possible to avoid contact. I'm absolutely decided to move on. Again, thanks for your advise. For anyone in a similar situation, love yourself, after yrs of the same thing it just never gets better, never! Edited March 11, 2017 by Helenahrt 4
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