Jaxon Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I was in a relationship for 2 years. At times it was good, at times average, never really majorly bad. I agonised about ending it so many times and in the end I just decided that I can't be happy with an average, mediocre relationship. My (ex) gf had a number of issues and red flags which raised very similar traits to my ex-wife, not quite as serious but alarming to me nonetheless. Things like unaddressed anxiety, depression. We had a fairly substantial age gap. We did have several talks recently about a few major things which we just weren't heading in the same direction on - like when/if we would move in together, ever having a child together, etc, and we were like chalk and cheese on these major topics. I felt that I was constantly treating the relationship like "OK, things aren't great, but wait until X month, or Y trip away, or Z thing, it will get better" then it never did. I could have waited a little longer, something was about to change in a few months which could've had a very positive effect on our relationship, but I just gave up... I had told her I lost the feeling and didn't see a future for us anymore. I hope she is doing OK. Don't quite know how to handle returning belongings to her etc. I do still care about her and hope she can get through this and bounce back, and find a guy who is exactly what she is looking for and can give her everything she wants. I don't think I was that person, I have set her free and made the tough decision, I hope it was right :confused:
Author Jaxon Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Need some reassurance that I've made the right decision. Which might be very hard online with the limited info I have given I guess :/ I just feel really bad about what I've done re: how she must feel and how I've basically turned my back and ended things cold without any major warning. I guess if I had my time over, I would've sat down and had some serious conversations specifically outlining what I had a problem with and what I expected needed to change, or else I wouldn't be able to continue in the relationship. I didn't really give her that notice and chance to hear me out...
Purepony Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 This is hard no matter what position your in Look back at the relationship and remember how you felt when you where in it ... it sounds to me like you did the right thing I was in a similar situation and things did not improve they usually never do ! It seems to get worse and worse from what I gather and have seen Your good it's fresh so just stay strong and positive
Heartbrokenandhurt Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Are you my ex?? Sounds exactly the sort of things he said when he ended things with me early Jan, 'You'll find someone else but its not me'. Except, I only had 6 months and she had 2 years with you. And we NEVER spoke about feelings, we had a major communication issues... I didn't speak because he didn't and probably vice versa, and this is a major cause of upset for me now, because we never knew where each other stood. At least you and your ex DID speak about the future and so you know you were probably not going to be on the same page. What im trying to say is, if I had had the discussions about our future that you guys did and realised that we were probably not right for each other/don't have the same goals, it would of made things now a hell of alot easier for me when he ended it. In my case, he didn't even try, he gave up BEFORE any talking. At least you gave it a chance and were more honest with your girlfriend. I could accept things more if I really knew we had wanted different things.
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 In my case, he didn't even try, he gave up BEFORE any talking. At least you gave it a chance and were more honest with your girlfriend. I could accept things more if I really knew we had wanted different things. Heartbrokenandhurt I think by his actions in splitting up with you, it is obvious he did not want the same things as you. And even if he did want the same things, he had decided he did not want to walk along the path of life with you any longer. He did not see a future with you in it. You don't really need any big discussions, he had made up his mind to walk away. Yes, it is frustrating that you had no chance to plead your case, but I guess it would not have made any difference anyway. Once a person makes the decision to split and informs the other party then it is usually all over. Yes, guilt and not wanting to hurt people can make the cut messy and long drawn out, but usually no matter how many reconciliations may occur the result is usually the same. Few get over the break, and the next time it is often the dumper who calls it a day as the trust they had in the dumper is gone. They go from feeling cosy and safe to a state of high anxiety, "Will he/she just dump me again?" OP Dating is not about finding someone, anyone? and sticking with them for life, it is about finding someone who is compatible with you, who you see a future with, who you can imagine as your companion. If for any reason you do not see that person as someone you want to be with, then it is best to split up and not put them through the agony of being with a person who is only lukewarm about them. You did not see a future with your gf and although it will hurt her just now, better that than living with a husband who doesn't like her that much, who felt obliged to marry her, and is only staying for the kids... You did the right thing here.
Author Jaxon Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 Thanks everyone, this is really helpful to me to hear your reassurance and help I do feel as though I have hurt her badly and really wish it could have been avoided. As you say, I need to also stay true to myself and long term if I am not 100% happy, committed and we are sharing same values, future outlook, etc, then in the end, it most likely would've failed or neither of us would have been truly happy I have a couple of her important belongings that I really need to return to her...she has gone no contact and so have I...how do I handle this? They are quite large items at my house. I am thinking I need to send her a message to collect them...but was thinking it is probably best if I am not there when she does ? I guess it doesn't really matter to me whether I am there or not but it might be easier for her if I am not there. In which case I was thinking of leaving them in my yard and telling her to get them on a day that I am out of town. Otherwise I could deliver them to her house... She also still has a key to my place which is not ideal but I am not worried about it...she wouldn't ever do anything with it and I am moving out in a couple of months anyway so guess it's not worth asking for it back...
Blanco Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Sorry to hear about this, but having been there myself, I can say that you made the right choice. It's been a couple years since that relationship ended, and with hindsight, I would've done some things different. But ultimately, it was never going to be a great fit, and the best we could probably hope for was average with the occasional spike. People deserve more than that considering what an investment of time, energy, and emotions relationships usually are.
Blanco Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Need some reassurance that I've made the right decision. Which might be very hard online with the limited info I have given I guess :/ I just feel really bad about what I've done re: how she must feel and how I've basically turned my back and ended things cold without any major warning. I guess if I had my time over, I would've sat down and had some serious conversations specifically outlining what I had a problem with and what I expected needed to change, or else I wouldn't be able to continue in the relationship. I didn't really give her that notice and chance to hear me out... Everyone's situation is going to vary a bit, but I think many people out there can empathize with being part of a relationship that isn't bad, but not really great, either. That part where you alluded to always waiting for X, Y, Z to happen and then things would be good or feel right. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen and you can lose months or even years waiting for it. I would say that at two years, you have invested enough time to have a good read on the sustainability of the relationship. Breaking away from a mediocre relationship can be difficult, because there's not usually that one or two things you can really grasp a hold of that give you reassurance at almost all times you made the right call.
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I have a couple of her important belongings that I really need to return to her...she has gone no contact and so have I...how do I handle this? They are quite large items at my house. I am thinking I need to send her a message to collect them...but was thinking it is probably best if I am not there when she does ? I guess it doesn't really matter to me whether I am there or not but it might be easier for her if I am not there. In which case I was thinking of leaving them in my yard and telling her to get them on a day that I am out of town. Otherwise I could deliver them to her house... Contact a friend of hers or a relative and liaise through them.
Recommended Posts