winterkeep Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I will try to keep this short! I'm seeing a guy who is really into me, on paper he is perfect - attractive, driven, fit, wealthy (not important to me but trying to put the full picture out there) considerate and dependable - he should definitely be a long term prospect. I'm driven, indépendant and financially comfortable by my own means, I'm also from a really messed up upbringing with abusive/neglectful parents then got married at 18 to my childhood sweetheart who is a narcissist and treated me pretty badly until I was 29. I've fallen hard twice since then, one with a guy who lied to me for a long time until I discovered he was married (we live in different countries and he lived away from his wife for work so there was no indication of his marital status but there were indications of his being a narc). The other was very short term and I was overseas on holiday but for the moment I met him I was smitten, I've never had that happen to me before but I suppose in hindsight there were indications that he was somewhat emotionally unavailable too. So now Ive met this great guy and I just want to run away, I feel completely suffocated and trapped. I can't work out if I'm not interested in him or if I am actually just emotionally unavailable myself and hadn't realised it. I don't want to miss out on a great opportunity if its the latter but if the former I don't want to lead him on either. I guess I keep hoping that if I spend time with him I'll work it out, which I may do - maybe I just need to spend less time with him to work it out? We just spent the entire weekend together as he's working away during the week - for him its progressed the relationship, for me I'm in a panic!! Maybe 3 days was too much for me - is this normal in the early (2 month) stages of dating!?? Maybe my quick infatuation with the other guy I mentioned is because I knew it couldn't work, I know I don't feel that for this guy, are the crazy, infatuated feelings normal for others from the start or does it build? Help please! i think my emotions are broken....
TheAntiHero Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Sounds like you have no chemistry with this guy. I feel like if there's no chemistry early on , then there never will be. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 3 days straight is a lot of time to spend with someone you don't know very well. It's one reason I am not keen on LDR as it seems that weekends have to be almost stuck together at the hip - one guy wouldn't even let me out of his sight over a weekend - it was ridiculous! Were you keen to see him before this weekend or not so much?
CptInsano Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Maybe 3 days was too much for me - is this normal in the early (2 month) stages of dating!?? Maybe my quick infatuation with the other guy I mentioned is because I knew it couldn't work, I know I don't feel that for this guy, are the crazy, infatuated feelings normal for others from the start or does it build? The term "normal" is a little akward, but if you can't comfortably spend 3 days with somebody then something is off. He either happens to be not a good match, you continue to pick the wrong person, or you have an issue with letting somebody get close to you. Without knowing you better I can't tell what it is.
CloudyHead Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I think you need to spend time on yourself and make yourself mentally healthy and strong before having a relationship with a man. Being in a relationship with a narcissist (and possibly one who is a sociopath as well) is damaging. It takes a long time to get over such a relationship. And, there are red flags that you need to recognize. I think you haven't healed from your past relationships. Take time to heal. 1
Author winterkeep Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Thanks everyone. I have taken 12 months off from dating to work on myself which I think has helped but has probably made me remain in a situation I'm not really into as I'm trying to avoid old patterns. I think deep down I'm just not all that attracted to this guy, I've tried to tell myself that chemistry isn't necessary or can develop but I think it would have by now. I'm going to take a few days to myself and will catch up with him one more time to see how I feel - if it's still nothing I'll just be upfront. He is messaging me constantly checking in and telling me he misses me which is making me feel pretty guilty, I don't want to hurt him or lead him on.
SevenCity Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Thanks everyone. I have taken 12 months off from dating to work on myself which I think has helped but has probably made me remain in a situation I'm not really into as I'm trying to avoid old patterns. I think deep down I'm just not all that attracted to this guy, I've tried to tell myself that chemistry isn't necessary or can develop but I think it would have by now. I'm going to take a few days to myself and will catch up with him one more time to see how I feel - if it's still nothing I'll just be upfront. He is messaging me constantly checking in and telling me he misses me which is making me feel pretty guilty, I don't want to hurt him or lead him on. Anytime you use the term "On paper" it means you're not interested. You won't change your mind - you feel like he's suffocating you. I would tell him it's over and you don't want to see him anymore. Don't confuse things with the "right nows" or "maybes" etc. just be direct - it will hurt him a lot less in the long term. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) Well, I'm not a psychologist but this is my theory: I think a lot of people feel chemistry for someone who has obvious issues (we all have issues). It actually makes sense when you think about it. I mean, if you are with someone who is dysfunctional, you can feel like this strong special woman standing by that person and feeling the highs and lows of facing challenges in the relationship. Mr. Has His Life Together And Treats You Great will never be able to give you that. Which may explain why you aren't feeling the chemistry w him. OR, if he truly is messaging you constantly, then he really is needy, which is an almost universal turn-off. Anyone in that situation would feel smothered. Edited March 7, 2017 by Imajerk17
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