JayJays Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Hi all! I notice you guys give good advice so I'm wondering if you can impart some of your wisdom onto me... (sorry for the long post) I'm 25 and there's this guy at my work that I was instantly attracted to (and it turns out he felt the same with me). It took months of flirting, play-fighting and him joking about taking me out to dinner for it to actually happen but when it did it was so amazing! True to his word, he was the perfect gentleman, even paying $84 for dinner!! (I felt so bad because his friends tell me he's always broke). Later he joked about how we should mess with everyone at work and pretend not to be dating but walk around holding hands and see how long it takes for them to realise. As we only have 1 or 2 shifts a week together, we scheduled another date in 5 days time but he practically begged to see me sooner claiming that “he didn't want to wait that long to see me”. Date #2 was fun as we found ourselves running around playfighting and laughing like kids (all without a single drop of alcohol! Lol). He told me he had already told his work mates that we were dating and that thanks to me, he hadn't felt like a cigarette in a week. The next day things started going downhill. Now, he is ALWAYS busy with some new project (he's in a band but also likes to make short films etc) so it doesn't bother me when he takes ages to respond or takes a couple of days to initiate contact (I almost always let him message me first-as when I message him, he sometimes doesn't respond). So the next day his band broke up and I messaged him to see how he was, we chatted for a bit and he said that he hadn't been doing much lately and that it has caused him to over-think a lot, so from now on he'd like to keep busy. The next day I messaged him again to check on him and he spoke of a new project he was doing. After that he only initiated contact twice, would send brief messages and started acting weirdly distant at work. So I left him alone, but after 2 weeks of this I messaged him and asked for an explanation. He apologised saying that he hated hurting people and that he needed to learn to communicate better. He said that his weirdness had nothing to do with me and that he was still interested but under the circumstances, we should "just keep things friendly" as he felt like all the issues he had been avoiding had finally caught up with him and that if we did get into something serious, he didn't want to drag me down with him and his problems. He also said that our manager warned him that if we started dating, one of us would be sent to a different store and that he'd feel awful if they moved me instead of him. A couple of days later I spoke to him face to face and told him that even though he wasn't going to change his mind, to at least consider things as I still really liked him and I didn't mind supporting him and I was OK keeping things on the down-low for a little while. He said that he knew very well that we could keep things quiet but told me that his prior relationship lasted 3 years and that his ex was depressed/bipolar and because he spent most of his time supporting her, it started taking his toll on him and started to mess him up. Hence why he didn't want to begin something with me as he didn't want to drag me into depression like his ex did to him and that he wanted to be mentally stronger before getting into another relationship. I told him “I understand, I won't wait around for you but after you've sorted yourself out, if I'm still single, then maybe we can date again”. He told me not to wait for him as he didn't want to get in the way of my happiness and thanked me for being so understanding. Intuitively, I know he's being honest (especially because he almost started crying) and I know I should give him space and let go, as him telling me “not to wait” is code for “move on”...but I'm literally devastated. I rarely date because I'm so focussed on improving myself and when I finally meet someone I actually want to date, this happens...Why all this build up for nothing to happen? I want to cry and tell him I don't care and to just give us a chance (like hell I'd ever do that though!). I've been giving him his space and now we don't message each other at all but at work he'll be hot and cold, he'll either pull faces or try and play fight a little (he even invited me out to the movies with him, too soon dude!)...or actively avoid me/look annoyed when I'm around. I've been acting as normal as I can...and I know he's just being friendly but god it hurts! He doesn't even seem bothered at all! Ugh what do I do!? I'm so frustrated. Part of me says I should just leave it for now, give him space, let things settle down and then start putting out the signals again in a few months time (if I haven't already moved on by then) but it's been 2 weeks since our "talk" and I still don't feel any better, despite me trying to distract myself. Hence why another part of me wants to talk to him all the time and try and change his mind NOW...which probably isn't a good idea. I'm so confused! do you think there's a possibility of us getting together again in the future? any tips on how to deal? because I'm confused and distracting myself isn't working!!
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Did you sleep with him? How did you leave things after then second date?
Author JayJays Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Nope all we did was kiss. He made a joke about us "going at it" (when I pointed out that one of the cars had been in the parking lot a little too long) and also joked about marriage so I didn't take either comment too seriously. We cut the date short a little early because we were both tired but he messaged me after he got home saying that he loved hanging out with me. The next day things started going downhill, so yeah, not too sure if it WAS life getting in the way or a lack of interest or what.
ashy555 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Ok... I see this as rejection on his behalf. He has realised he isn't that interested (could well and truly be an emotional thing holding him back) but all that talk is to let you down gently. I have done this before myself(a few times actually) and I know many people who have as well. I liked someone but not enough. I basically said I wasn't ready for a relationship and gave him hope that maybe one day in the future I might be. I was too much of a coward to tell him straight. I played the emotional card. If a guy is genuinely interested. He will make sure you know it. If he blatantly says no after asking again... There isn't much you can do. My suggestion would be to keep your dignity and walk away(don't beg or push etc as it will only push him away further and come across as needy). Try and move on. I know its easier said than done. If he is truly interested he will chase you. You will become a lot more attractive if you take it in your stride and get on with things 2
TheBathWater Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I agree with others that he is signaling to you to not pursue him. What a bummer! Sounds like you were hopeful about him. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Beware of love bombing. Something weird always happens. Either he was trying to establish immediate trust in order to get into your pants and then worried you would become a clinger and he backed off, or he is as impetuous as a toddler and goes from "I LOVE her!" to "Whoops, no I don't, my mistake" in three seconds and then on to the next one, or he does this to numerous women at a time and decided this time on one he liked better. It just never seems to work out well when these giant overeager declarations come bursting out right away. And then someone gets hurt. You are attached to what you believe could have been, but it couldn't have, because this guy can only sustain his gigantic "I'm in love" rush for a few dates and then poof. He runs away in fear because of a situation he himself created. That ultimate love was not in this guy. You believe it was because of his Oscar worthy performance but that wasn't him, that was him on the make...short term. Don't grieve. You haven't lost anything. Real love is out there for you. 2
Author JayJays Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 (edited) Thanks TunaInTheBrine yeah I really did get my hopes up for this one, unfortunately. Ah well I can't keep hassling him if that's what he chooses. Ok... I see this as rejection on his behalf. He has realised he isn't that interested (could well and truly be an emotional thing holding him back) but all that talk is to let you down gently. I have done this before myself(a few times actually) and I know many people who have as well. I liked someone but not enough. I basically said I wasn't ready for a relationship and gave him hope that maybe one day in the future I might be. I was too much of a coward to tell him straight. I played the emotional card. If a guy is genuinely interested. He will make sure you know it. If he blatantly says no after asking again... There isn't much you can do. My suggestion would be to keep your dignity and walk away(don't beg or push etc as it will only push him away further and come across as needy). Try and move on. I know its easier said than done. If he is truly interested he will chase you. You will become a lot more attractive if you take it in your stride and get on with things Thanks ashy. I know the feeling, I've done it a few times too...maybe it's penance haha. What confused me the most out of that situation was that he was the first one to admit that he liked me and went around proudly proclaiming to people that we were dating (after the 1st date, mind you). But yes you're right, unfortunately I told him how I felt and it didn't work out in the end...I'm sure once I've actually moved on he'll come running back Beware of love bombing. Something weird always happens. Either he was trying to establish immediate trust in order to get into your pants and then worried you would become a clinger and he backed off, or he is as impetuous as a toddler and goes from "I LOVE her!" to "Whoops, no I don't, my mistake" in three seconds and then on to the next one, or he does this to numerous women at a time and decided this time on one he liked better. It just never seems to work out well when these giant overeager declarations come bursting out right away. And then someone gets hurt. You are attached to what you believe could have been, but it couldn't have, because this guy can only sustain his gigantic "I'm in love" rush for a few dates and then poof. He runs away in fear because of a situation he himself created. That ultimate love was not in this guy. You believe it was because of his Oscar worthy performance but that wasn't him, that was him on the make...short term. Don't grieve. You haven't lost anything. Real love is out there for you. He did say that some of the girls he's been 'casual' with have become clingy (I honestly had no intention of sleeping with him, not until we were in a proper relationship anyway) so the latter two definitely sounds like him. I think you're spot on, all I can think about was 'what could have been' or about how we got along so well and the relationship had so much potential etc etc. ahhh this sucks. But you're right, it probably wasn't the real thing. I can't help but feel a little humiliated now, I know I did nothing wrong but gee...I wish he didn't tell his friends that we were dating, especially if he possibly had other girls too! (they still ask me about 'us', so obviously they didn't get the memo) Edited March 8, 2017 by JayJays
ashy555 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Men (and women) will always surprise us in the dating world. They say something they seem so sure about only to do a complete 180 the next day. It's tough and a reason we have to try and keep ourselves in check so we don't get hurt so easily. I have just had a guy who came on really strong (hadn't met him yet but spoke over text) The way he spoke to me made me feel like the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Said how he couldn't wait to date me and was looking for a serious relationship. He added me on all social media including fb(so he was real haha). I was flattered but he just disappeared into thin air a few days later. It doesn't make sense I know! We just have to not take these things personally and try to move on. It kinda sucks you have to see him all the time though. Like I said. Be carefree and happy. Do your own thing. Don't contact him. Ignore his next message. Show him you have self respect and don't have time to be messed around with. It is the only thing that will work in your favour. Find someone else in the meantime
Author JayJays Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 Cheers ashy :-) Argh how frustrating! I'm sorry that happened to you, why do men to that! I'm usually quite reserved when it comes to dating but I suppose I got my hopes a bit too high once I knew this guy (supposedly) liked me back. Ah well. You're right I just have to be happy and carefree, show him he didn't get to me and direct my attention elsewhere 1
todreaminblue Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Sorry this happened to you.....dont know what his issue is or if he is being truthful don't know the guy......love bombing in my opinion is like eight or nine phone calls plus texts a day and i am going through that now....its rather confusing......and makes me anxious but anyway...he is a bti lost at the moment im hoping it settles a bit.....he has been there when i needed him ..helped me out.... im just being selfish....back on to you..... i dont think he love bombed you and i do think he was interested in you ...maybe ...possible .....he is not ready to commit to anything...breaking up a band can be traumatic especially if it wasnt a mutual decision..... and might have bought back memories and triggers............he isnt ready for a relationship .hasnt dealt with damage done to him from his last one.......the weird behavior is indication of that..... i think you should just move on as he suggested......go no contact as much as you can, i know you work with him ...be courteous polite .friendly....btu reserved to pleasantries.......dont play fight or pull faces back and if he does say you aren't comfortable with those things anymore and you want to keep things professional at work.....delete his number from your phone and from social media and move on and find a guy who is ready for a relationship who you have fun with.......i wish you well....deb 1
salparadise Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If a guy is genuinely interested. He will make sure you know it. If he blatantly says no after asking again... There isn't much you can do. My suggestion would be to keep your dignity and walk away(don't beg or push etc as it will only push him away further and come across as needy). Try and move on. I know its easier said than done. If he is truly interested he will chase you. If a guy is this, then he will always do that... where do people come up with this stuff? Guys are people too, just like women. They have a full range of thoughts and feelings and different perspectives. Every individual is unique, with hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities. I guarantee you, it's a mistake to think that you can reduce a man's motivations to a simple "if this, then that" scenario. Every time you start painting a whole gender, demographic or all people with a big broad brush, you give up the ability to understand the actuality in full detail and nuance. That's not to say that every generalization is automatically inaccurate, but that if you want to understand people (or a person) then you need to look deeper than gender stereotypes and the idioms that define them. OP, I don't think you should make a fool of yourself over this guy, but I do think he may be someone who just needs to be brought along gradually. Since you have regular contact with him you do have the opportunity to build trust and respect through your interactions. If you know the attraction is mutual and he's just shy about jumping in head first, you could realistically invest some time and attention and influence how he feels. I'm not saying to give up your dignity, and there aren't any guarantees... but there are possibilities, and I don't think you should slam the door on that just because he's not immediately in hot pursuit. 1
CptInsano Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 It really sounds to me that this guy hasn't worked out his issues quite yet, and I wouldnt consider "the talk" not as a signal to wait, but a rather clear communication that he is no longer interested. I also think that these situations are rather common among colleagues, as it is easy to feels close because of all the time spent together at work. But at the end there may not be that much there in regard to an actual relationship. There really is not much the OP can do at this moment IMHO. 3
Author JayJays Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 OP, I don't think you should make a fool of yourself over this guy, but I do think he may be someone who just needs to be brought along gradually. Since you have regular contact with him you do have the opportunity to build trust and respect through your interactions. If you know the attraction is mutual and he's just shy about jumping in head first, you could realistically invest some time and attention and influence how he feels. I'm not saying to give up your dignity, and there aren't any guarantees... but there are possibilities, and I don't think you should slam the door on that just because he's not immediately in hot pursuit. Oddly enough, one of his friends gave me similar advice...but- when this all started-he also told me to randomly show up at the guys house to get answers, so I don't know how valid his advice is hahaha. Those were my plans initially though, I would give him his space (nc outside of work) but be friendly when I see him and date other people in the mean time and if, in a few months if both of us still seem interested I would send out the signals again. I will just have to see how things unfold and work on going back to my regular cheerful self.
Author JayJays Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 Sorry this happened to you.....dont know what his issue is or if he is being truthful don't know the guy......love bombing in my opinion is like eight or nine phone calls plus texts a day and i am going through that now....its rather confusing......and makes me anxious but anyway...he is a bti lost at the moment im hoping it settles a bit.....he has been there when i needed him ..helped me out.... im just being selfish....back on to you..... i dont think he love bombed you and i do think he was interested in you ...maybe ...possible .....he is not ready to commit to anything...breaking up a band can be traumatic especially if it wasnt a mutual decision..... and might have bought back memories and triggers............he isnt ready for a relationship .hasnt dealt with damage done to him from his last one.......the weird behavior is indication of that..... i think you should just move on as he suggested......go no contact as much as you can, i know you work with him ...be courteous polite .friendly....btu reserved to pleasantries.......dont play fight or pull faces back and if he does say you aren't comfortable with those things anymore and you want to keep things professional at work.....delete his number from your phone and from social media and move on and find a guy who is ready for a relationship who you have fun with.......i wish you well....deb Thanks deb I hope things work out for you, surely him being there for you is an indication he is interested in you! After reading everyones posts I realise, as Cptnltsano said therr really is nothing I can do, not at the moment. I plan on giving him no contact outside of work and have removed him from social media...as seeing his posts and how happy he is hurts! Haha I've been trying to avoid making faces and being playful now (although its in my nature to do this with someone I'm attracted to)...it's pretty difficult! Although he has started to avoid me little by little and doesnt contact me anymore, so who knows...maybe he's already moved on. His friend did say that it has only been a year since the end of his 3-year relationship too, so it's highly possible he still hadnt processed his feelings for that when his band broke up. The fact that he went around telling everyone that we were dating confuses me to no end. As it was early days, I literally only told 2 people! 1
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 The fact that your work manager already said something about you two dating is a big issue. After two dates the fact that the work manager knew & already had concerns is troubling. Would you be OK with being transferred? It also seems a bit sexist that the manager spoke to him & not you. Anyway, I'm sure that bothered this guy. His band breaking up probably didn't help his mental state. He doesn't sound like a strong, mature person with his act together. Take him at his word & don't wait around for him or pursue him. While it's possible that years down the road you may come back together, it's highly improbable 2
Author JayJays Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 I feel like if this guy hadn't told people at work, things may have turned out a bit differently but yes, I have wondered why our manager didn't speak to me about it but his warning did worry me quite a bit hence why I told him we could have (should have) kept things quiet. A few people at work have also said similar things about him being weak/ doesn't have his act together etc. So at least he wasn't lying about wanting to be mentally stronger! Thanks Donnivain. Hearing yours and everyones opinion is really helping me put things in perspective. 3
Author JayJays Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Argh! Just as I start to feel better about this situation and aim to move on, he starts trying to flirt up a storm with me at work for the last 2 days (still no messages outside of work though)...maybe he's reading these posts hahaha. Oh well, as much I WOULD like him to like me back, I don't think this is the case and I refuse to react to his flirtations(or I'm trying not to anyway ).
TheTraveler Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Beware of love bombing. Something weird always happens. Either he was trying to establish immediate trust in order to get into your pants and then worried you would become a clinger and he backed off, or he is as impetuous as a toddler and goes from "I LOVE her!" to "Whoops, no I don't, my mistake" in three seconds and then on to the next one, or he does this to numerous women at a time and decided this time on one he liked better. It just never seems to work out well when these giant overeager declarations come bursting out right away. And then someone gets hurt. Men (and women) will always surprise us in the dating world. They say something they seem so sure about only to do a complete 180 the next day. It's tough and a reason we have to try and keep ourselves in check so we don't get hurt so easily. I have just had a guy who came on really strong (hadn't met him yet but spoke over text) The way he spoke to me made me feel like the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Said how he couldn't wait to date me and was looking for a serious relationship. He added me on all social media including fb(so he was real haha). I was flattered but he just disappeared into thin air a few days later. Love bombing is real to everyone out there. I, ahem, tested it on someone.
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