freshstrt Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We live about two hours away from each other but usually visit one another on weekends. We are pretty serious about each other and have talked about getting married. He hasn't really had a girlfriend other than me, but I have dated many people before. We are both in our early 30's. He is very close to his parents, who are from another country (I live in the US), and calls them on the phone at least once a day. They live about 2 hours away from where he lives (4 hours away from me). We have all agreed to meet for the first time next weekend. My hope was to just meet for a simple lunch at a restaurant, talk for a couple hours and then part ways. My thinking was that I didn't want his parents, mainly his mother, to stress about cooking or cleaning because I was coming to visit. My boyfriend now tells me they are insisting that I come to their home, eat a meal they cook, sleepover and then go for brunch the next day. Is this unusual? I'm very nervous that things won't go well and become awkward since they don't speak English very well and I don't know much Chinese. Is it wrong for me to want a brief meeting? I'm afraid the longer I stay the more chance there is of something going wrong. His parents seem pretty superstitious and have a lot of their own rules about how things should be done. I've asked my boyfriend for guidance on what to do but he just says to wear the clothes that I would wear to work and bring a salad since I'm a vegetarian (they aren't). Does anyone have stories about how they met the parents of their partners?
Tressugar Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Just be yourself and respectful, which I already know you will and know this. The overnight stay for the first time met is a little unusual for me. I'd accept the meeting/dinner at their place, but not an overstay. That's just me. I don't know what culture permits a standard overnight stay, but who knows! I know meeting his parents is a stressful situation. Been there and done that. You'll survive. G'luck.
coolheadal Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Just smile, be respectful and don't do anything out of the ordinary. They're watching you like hawk.
basil67 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 What you may not know is that for many people (and particularly so in some cultures) cooking for loved ones is a joy and not a chore. They don't get stressed - they look forward to it. And if the house isn't a pig sty, there shouldn't be that much tidying to do. She wouldn't offer to host if she wasn't the type who enjoys doing this. Try to go in with a positive attitude because a negative attitude attracts failure. Instead of worrying about longer for things to go wrong, you could be thinking that there's more time to get to know each other. If you don't know the area, there's no reason why your partner can't take you on a walk around to catch some air if you want a break. 1
Els Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 My perspective as an East Asian dating someone from the same ethnicity... Meeting the parents sucks. I'm sorry, but there's just no way around that. Asian parents can be very insistent on certain things - there isn't the usual 'adult individual boundaries' that you might be used to in Western cultures. It's not unusual for them to insist on what you mentioned. Nor is it wrong of you to want a shorter meeting. How you should handle that conflict, is up to you. You don't want to create a huge rift between you and them, but on the other hand don't feel obligated to kowtow to EVERYTHING they want. If your bf is going to allow them to dictate everything the two of you do, it's best that you know that now rather than later. Try to strike a balance between being accommodating and standing up for yourself. What I would recommend you to do (and what I did, myself) was accept the invitation to go to their house for several hours, but not spend the night. In my case it was easier to frame that though, since we had a flight to catch that evening. Good luck! And yeah, dealing with parents is just about the worst part of dating an Asian. I'm sorry. We do have good qualities that make up for it though. 2
act00 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Normally I would want to stay in a hotel or with my BF and be able to get away for awhile. Overnight and into the next day is a lot. However, in this situation, it seems like you may be dealing with cultural issues. I don't know what would be considered normal or rude. Will your BF likewise be staying the night so that you have a buffer and someone to help with the language barrier? I'd discuss with him how I absolutely would prefer not to spend the night and see what he says.
Author freshstrt Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 I should mention that his parents are older (in their 60s)so some of this may be generational? I will of course be polite and respectful but there are things that most people wouldn't know beforehand like don't give someone pears as a gift. So it makes me anxious that I will make a mistake and not realize it. I have already given them gifts but I can bring more. I would like to cook something to impress them a desert and another dish but it just stresses me out. In addition I'm on a crazy diet where I can't eat much so I'm pretty much guaranteed to offend them by not eating food. I have been to their home while they were away visiting China and the house is pretty messy. My bf agrees they need to clean a lot before I come. Bf was initially on board just doing a brief meeting but they are complaining that I must not like them if I don't want to stay as long as possible. Honestly I don't think this is about me, they just want to see my bf as long as possible. They are currently at my bf's apartment between march 3-8 so it's not like they never see him. One of the other posters is right that I should set the tone for my future relationship with them now. This would have been easier if we met at my bf's apartment but they were insisting that I "come to them." To me it seems like an unnecessary power struggle that I don't want to partake in.
Els Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I should mention that his parents are older (in their 60s)so some of this may be generational? I will of course be polite and respectful but there are things that most people wouldn't know beforehand like don't give someone pears as a gift. So it makes me anxious that I will make a mistake and not realize it. If they are reasonable people, they will forgive a faux pas. I have already given them gifts but I can bring more. I would like to cook something to impress them a desert and another dish but it just stresses me out. In addition I'm on a crazy diet where I can't eat much so I'm pretty much guaranteed to offend them by not eating food. While I've recommended that you should stand up for yourself, this particular one is a battle you should concede IMO. One or two cheat meals will not break your diet - I would strongly encourage you to eat anything you are able to. It is extremely offensive in East Asian culture to decline all of your host's food. (Of course, if your diet has to be severely restricted for medical reasons e.g. on warfarin, then that is completely understandable and you should mention that). Bf was initially on board just doing a brief meeting but they are complaining that I must not like them if I don't want to stay as long as possible. Honestly I don't think this is about me, they just want to see my bf as long as possible. They are currently at my bf's apartment between march 3-8 so it's not like they never see him. I think this is something that you have to observe very carefully in your bf. It's okay for him to request a few things of you to smooth over the meeting, but if he is giving 100% of the consideration to his parents and 0% of the consideration to your needs, I would honestly rethink the entire relationship. Compromise needs to go both ways. 1
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 If you are planning to marry, this is what it's going to be like being a part of his family. They sound very traditional, and your BF must have convinced them that you are the one....so it's no wonder they are rolling out the red carpet for you....they are welcoming you into the family. Relax, I think you will have a great time.
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 If your diet is a choice, eat a small amount of whatever is put in front of you. If your crazy diet is a medical condition -- Allergies etc. -- ask your BF to mention those issues to his parents. No one wants you to end up in the hospital over this. Is there an amazing bakery near you? Get some dessert thing or a loaf of bread from there if you don't want to bake. If you know their drinking habits, bring a good bottle of wine. If all else fails, bring a huge bouquet of flowers. Whatever you do, don't show up empty handed. Ask your BF about the sleeping arrangements before hand. I would not sleep with my BF at his parents house no matter what. I just couldn't do it. You need to be happy where they put you. Pack conservative PJs, a sturdy robe & slippers. Always come to public rooms in the house fully dressed. When you get home send a handwritten snail mail thank you note. 1
alphamale Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Whatever you do, don't show up empty handed. great advice snail mail 1
forgiven1 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 well, I didn't sleep over the first time, I met a boyfriends parents that is for sure.. I met my husbands mother, she came to visit him in GA, and stayed at his home, I lived an hour plus away- so I did come to stay for the weekend as I cleaned and prepared some meals- but she insisted on going out a lot to make sure it wasn't a burden on me... Then after we became more serious, we went to her house in FL for a vacation- not sure if it was a weekend or longer. You said you've been dating for a year and it is becoming more serious... How did you meet? What will the sleeping arrangements be? Will your B/f also stay over.... I think if it were me, I would tell them I really appreciated their hospitality but you would rather have dinner together and if you want to do brunch the next day stay at a hotel to not put anyone out and to have an escape if its more than you can bare. You should be able to talk this over with your b/f, and him understand. May be a culture thing but I've never experienced anything like it. Praying for you
Jj66 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I slept over the first time I met my (ex) wife's parents. They lived about 4 hours from me. They were Eastern European and insisted on rolling out the red carpet for me, including introducing me to other relatives.
alphamale Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 They were Eastern European and insisted on rolling out the red carpet for me, including introducing me to other relatives. they also probably were naming the grandkids-to-be 1
TheBathWater Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We live about two hours away from each other but usually visit one another on weekends. We are pretty serious about each other and have talked about getting married. He hasn't really had a girlfriend other than me, but I have dated many people before. We are both in our early 30's. He is very close to his parents, who are from another country (I live in the US), and calls them on the phone at least once a day. They live about 2 hours away from where he lives (4 hours away from me). We have all agreed to meet for the first time next weekend. My hope was to just meet for a simple lunch at a restaurant, talk for a couple hours and then part ways. My thinking was that I didn't want his parents, mainly his mother, to stress about cooking or cleaning because I was coming to visit. My boyfriend now tells me they are insisting that I come to their home, eat a meal they cook, sleepover and then go for brunch the next day. Is this unusual? I'm very nervous that things won't go well and become awkward since they don't speak English very well and I don't know much Chinese. Is it wrong for me to want a brief meeting? I'm afraid the longer I stay the more chance there is of something going wrong. His parents seem pretty superstitious and have a lot of their own rules about how things should be done. I've asked my boyfriend for guidance on what to do but he just says to wear the clothes that I would wear to work and bring a salad since I'm a vegetarian (they aren't). Does anyone have stories about how they met the parents of their partners? I'm glad you mentioned they're Chinese. That could explain a lot. In Chinese culture, it is not unusual to meet the parents formally in a manner like this. I wouldn't try to edit their plans for you. They could see that as impolite. If you're nervous about the time duration because you're worried it increases the chances that something could wrong, don't worry about it. I find that most Chinese parents are very accepting as long as you treat their son or daughter the right way. Just be yourself, ask your boyfriend for tips before you go, and you will be fine. I mean it. Before I recently broke up with my Chinese-American girlfriend, we were actually going to fly to China in a few months out and stay with her parents for a few days. Talk about a big way to meet the family for the first time, huh? I'm glad to hear you and your boyfriend are serious, are considering marriage, and that you are going to meet with his family. No pressure on yourself, okay? And good luck!
TheBathWater Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I would strongly encourage you to eat anything you are able to. It is extremely offensive in East Asian culture to decline all of your host's food I agree with this one big time. 1
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