D1978 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Evening all, This is my first time posting on anything like this but thought I'd give it a go. So I'll keep it brief, any advice would be gratefully appreciated. I have been in a wonderful relationship with my ex fiancée for 14yrs, we were engaged for 3yrs up until we split. We have 4 wonderful children aged 11, 8, 6 and 2. We had the odd argument every few months but nothing over the top, otherwise we were happy together. We didn't have money worries but that was because I worked everyday, sometimes I worked a double shift (a night shift followed by a day shift). Working like this took its toll on me and I became less involved with the family life like a dad should. Eventually this led to health, depression and anxiety issues. My ex never worked as we agreed she would be able to spend more time with the kids if she were to stay at home. Our bedroom life was healthy and the last couple of years we had never been so close, not only physically but emotionally aswell. So what caused the relationship to fail? The last 2 months were terrible, arguing, no communication when we really needed to. Worst still the kids were witnessing the arguments. We both really wanted to make our relationship work, she didn't want the kids to live without their dad and she didn't want them to bring them up alone. Right up until the day she left we loved each other and wanted to work through the problems. The day she left I just had a major meltdown, she left in the morning to have some space but unfortunately I wouldn't leave her alone. This led her to collect the kids from school and she never came home. Fast forward 7 months and she has her own house with the kids and I have regular contact with the kids. She has been in another relationship for around 3 months and he is now a part of out kids lives. But the problem is I just can't forget about my ex. I know I should just concentrate on the kids and myself but I love her and miss her so much. I think about her every second of the day and even dream about her. I strongly believe she is my sole mate in life. Now I know that the break up was my fault and I take responsibility for all my mistakes I made but I just cannot understand how quickly she has moved on and how defensive she is towards me. I simply cannot let her go and move on and live my life. Thanks
LitTunnel Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) No worries man, your feelings and thoughts are totally understandable and common. You panicked when you felt her slipping away and you felt the need to "do something." Unfortunately, due to some weird biological internal human sensory, the person being chased feels the need to push away when this happens. This is usually followed with being blocked through social media and phone, unavailable in person, anger, resentment, total lack of respect and empathy and so on. It makes the chaser look less valuable and at the same time reassures the chasee that the decision to leave only the more validated. Again, it's very weird and complicated stuff that you and I can never fully understand. The counter to this, which is just as powerful and that can work to your advantage over time is to go completely no contact. Which I believe you are already in the process so good for you. Just keep it up. This might take much longer. Every breakup recovery timeline is different for everyone. Some days, some weeks, some months, some decades. It takes time! Suffering in this process is inevitable. I believe it's the universe's way of showing you that something needs to change and change you will. Like I said, it's inevitable. Hopefully, in due time, once the rose colored glasses slowly start to slip on your ex'es face, due to your silence, she will start to think of you more and more; silence raises intrigue. And no, she hasn't lost those feelings for you. You guys have 4 children together and have shared many amazing memories together so there is no way she'll just forget all that in a short period of time despite your crumbled relationship. You can say those feelings are in hiatus. Hopefully by this time you've done a lot of work on yourself. Doing so will convey to your ex, consciously or sub-consciously, that you've changed for the better. This, of course, if you feel the relationship was definitely worth salvaging. But typically when a relationship falls apart and suddenly the dumper seems to have vanished without any trace it's usually the dumper who has worked up to this moment over a long period of time leaving the dumpee with the sudden feeling of shock and abandonment. So, reflect back as much as you can and ask yourself "what could I have done to avoided this situation?" If you deeply and truthfully felt you could have done more, or less, then great! Now, work on being a better version of you. But if you feel that you did your very best and she just simply wasn't appreciative, loving and understanding then that means she wasn't for you. Now you can take your new found wisdom and apply it to your next great love. Btw, in my strong and honest opinion, there is no such thing as "soulmate." Again, just my opinion, because by stating this will only pigeon hole you into thinking there is no other lover out there other than your ex that can satisfy you and that's simply not true. There are plenty of millions and millions of women out there that would love to be with you and you with them. You just have to at least understand this on a conscious level so that you can at least give yourself the best shot at moving on in a much shorter timeline if you feel that perhaps you don't want your ex anymore. Good luck man and keep moving forward. It does get better:) Edited March 5, 2017 by LitTunnel
Author D1978 Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Thanks for the reply There are so many key points in your answer. I think one point your reply highlights is "could I have done better". The answer to that is yes, with me working the hours and endless days I did I became just a provider for the family when I should have been a father and a supportive partner to my ex. I spent far to long away from my family at work when I should have been at home. I simply got my priorities wrong. I thought I was doing right by providing a nice home, nice cars and money in the bank when all the time all my family wanted was me.
LitTunnel Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Thanks for the reply There are so many key points in your answer. I think one point your reply highlights is "could I have done better". The answer to that is yes, with me working the hours and endless days I did I became just a provider for the family when I should have been a father and a supportive partner to my ex. I spent far to long away from my family at work when I should have been at home. I simply got my priorities wrong. I thought I was doing right by providing a nice home, nice cars and money in the bank when all the time all my family wanted was me. Well then there you go. You're on your path now. Just work on being a better version of yourself is all you can do now. Let your ex live her life without you. Nothing you can do or say at this moment to bring her back. She must come back on her own accord if anything was to happen. Otherwise live your life as best as you can. You will go through hell but something great can potentially come out of your situation so don't count that out, even though it looks bleak.
preraph Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 There's been a couple of things done that can't be undone. One is arguing in front of the kids. The other is the disrespect you showed her when she asked for some space, as if her needs were NOTHING to you, and your needs were all that mattered. You being sorry can't undo that. Whatever was causing the problems that were already existing, that just was the icing on the cake, the proof to her that it was useless to try to work it out when you can't even respect her.
Bromeo Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Wait a sec, op is asking for support, not a butt kicking or tongue lashing. 1. Through chasing, you demonstrated that you care enough to fight for something you love. However, there is a thin line between chasing and stalking. When she says stop, you stop. 2. Relationships are 100/100. If you had to work, and even work a double, that's just your schedule. Don't beat yourself up over that. 3. She knows you love her, now back off a bit. Let her miss you. I was the king of chasing and I had to learn to chill. 4. Don't, and it's hard as hell, let guilt consume you. Neither you or her are perfect. Let the emotions drain a bit, and try to chill and distract yourself. She won't forget, and you need to center yourself. Feeling guilty is natural, hell I got a counseling from my roommate like ten minutes prior. And lastly, read some threads here. Hell read mine, or plts, or jamilis, or markys for how wrong things can go. Vent as much as you need to. We are here. Dave
Author D1978 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 Thanks for the replies. Your support and words of advice are greatly appreciated. I've got a few spare hours today so I'll take a look through some of your threads. I was once told that I should never give up hope of her still having feelings for me and an eventually reconciling but I'm starting to think that was bad advice.
LitTunnel Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 (edited) Thanks for the replies. Your support and words of advice are greatly appreciated. I've got a few spare hours today so I'll take a look through some of your threads. I was once told that I should never give up hope of her still having feelings for me and an eventually reconciling but I'm starting to think that was bad advice. Reconciling is possible bro. Don't listen to people who say it can't happen. It's simply not true. The thing is for it to successfully happen both parties need to be on the same page otherwise you're both likely to be doomed. So, as you take time to reflect on your ex relationship, be honest with yourself, truly honest. Next, learn from your mistakes and better yourself from it, right here, right now. Make that promise to yourself. This means you live your life as-if she's never going to come back. The common feelings of hanging on to our exes is totally natural and might last for a while but just try your best to move past this. It won't be easy, by any stretch. Heck, it's been months for me but I'm slowly but surely coming around dude. So yes, it can happen. But meanwhile, like I said, work on being a better version of yourself. You don't know what the future holds for you my friend. You can do it!!! Edited March 6, 2017 by LitTunnel 1
Author D1978 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 Thanks again for the advice. I noticed no one commented on how to deal with her new relationship. Any advice on how to deal with it. As I said as far as I know they've been together for around 3 months but I only learned of it a week ago through the kids. I have asked to meet him as he is with my kids but he refuses to do so
Recommended Posts