thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I think that sums up in one phrase a lot about my romantic life. I've posted here before about having Social Anxiety and being a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and how it affects every dating situation. So I've been seeing this guy from POF for a month (about once a week). Over the past 2-3 days or so I probably got a bit more obvious with my interest than I had previously done as I've playing it cool a bit before. He responded in positive ways and replied quickly to texts so I haven't sensed that anything is off. He also sent me some positive messages to wish me luck as I had a test this week (which I ended up failing). I showed my friends the texts and they didn't think I had been too intense or anything. Don't get me wrong - I'm not declaring undying love for him or anything like that - he just knows that I like him and he's told me likewise. I've not offloaded everything onto him or expected him to solve any problems (it's just being more transparent with him). We have texted every day for a couple of weeks interspersed with meeting up. We talked on the phone today. He said he'd call me but he text instead. I was out all day so I let him initiate texting. I replied to a few texts, asked him about his day and said "I'll tell you some more on the phone ;)". Anyway I kind of regret this because he did call me an hour later but just went through arrangements for meeting tomorrow and I said I was feeling really tired and he kind of rushed through the conversation and said goodbye so I couldn't get a word in edgeways. It did sound like he rushed through it and that upset me. Maybe I read too much into this? [btw I have no issue with texting versus phone calls but I find because of my Social Anxiety that texting can be a minefield to me and anxiety-inducing. A previous LTR broke up because the guy never wanted to talk on the phone, it always had to be texting.] I now feel really anxious about seeing him again even though I was looking forward to it because of the way my anxious mind is reading things and just generally how emotional I've been this week. I kind of just want to play it cool and be lighthearted when I see him (I guess back-pedaling isn't possible at this point but I'll try). To give some background, it's been a bad week for me - failing that test and dealing with the death and funeral of a close family member. Then there's a lot on my plate at work and at home. I mean my brain has gone dead. I don't feel like I've been myself. Anyway just hoping for some honest advice from you folks and some tips on how not to be all doom and gloom. I'm worried I kinda killed it with my emotional nature. TL;DR: How do I recover after acting too emotionally around a man I've been casually seeing?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Unless you left something out or I'm very tired and can't read, I have no idea what exactly you're referring to when you say you were too emotional. I don't see a single thing in your post to indicate you were overly-emotional...about anything. Confused here. 7
basil67 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Forgive me, but I can't see where you acted too emotionally towards him. Yes, he rushed a phone call, but that was only because you said you were tired and he didn't want to keep you longer than necessary. Assuming you didn't say anything bad to him about the call, what are you concerned about? 3
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I don't see that what you did was too emotional, unless I am missing something? You chatted to the guy on the phone. He sounded a bit rushed, might have been nervous. I can't see that either of you did anything wrong. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 I get very anxious about this kind of thing. I read too much into EVERYTHING. I'm not kidding. My social anxiety can quite bad. I find it difficult to see wood from the trees basically. I'm not used to being direct with people. In a lot of relationships I've been in, I've not been assertive or very open about anything. So it feels weird to me now. I probably sound like a right weirdo on here but I'm just so anxious. I think I just felt bad because it felt like I'd asked him for the phone call - I didn't want to be all demanding. I just lose it when I'm actually interested in the person. 1
basil67 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Do you see a psychiatrist and psychologist? If your anxiety is affecting your life this much, you could really do with some professional help. 2
basil67 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I'm not used to being direct with people. In a lot of relationships I've been in, I've not been assertive or very open about anything. So it feels weird to me now. I probably sound like a right weirdo on here but I'm just so anxious. I think I just felt bad because it felt like I'd asked him for the phone call - I didn't want to be all demanding. I just lose it when I'm actually interested in the person. One of the reasons my husband dumped the girl before me was because she wasn't assertive. She didn't say what she wanted. He got tired of leading. Being decorative flower with no ability to say what you want is not a good thing. 2
Dis Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Hey girl! I dont see where you were too emotional either I think you're just building this up in your mind The reason why he rushed the phone call is probably because you told him you were tired, which is totally fine I think you need to take some time to decompress. I'm in nursing school, I know first hand how stressful exams are...and to lose a family member ontop of it??? I'm so sorry for your loss crucible Even if you were a little emotional, the right guy would understand that considering what you're going through Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can And with this guy, I think you're doing just fine. Just try to reign in the overthinking a little. Breathe 2
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Another vote for - I don't think you were overly emotional in what you texted this guy. I can appreciate that you are very anxious and sensitive about communication when dating, but I don't think you've done anything "wrong." I would say, it's ok to tell this guy that you have had a difficult and stressful week. Don't unburden your stress on him, but you can let him know how you are feeling. And, definitely seek support from a counsellor for your anxiety, if you haven't already. Hugs to you, my dear. Take care. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Do you see a psychiatrist and psychologist? If your anxiety is affecting your life this much, you could really do with some professional help. It comes and goes. I've seen a psychologist in the past and had CBT before. I know it will always be there in some way, which is something I accept. It's part of my personality in a way. It was a lot worse before I have to say. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 We talked on the phone today. He said he'd call me but he text instead. I was out all day so I let him initiate texting. I replied to a few texts, asked him about his day and said "I'll tell you some more on the phone ;)". Anyway I kind of regret this because he did call me an hour later but just went through arrangements for meeting tomorrow and I said I was feeling really tired and he kind of rushed through the conversation and said goodbye so I couldn't get a word in edgeways. It did sound like he rushed through it and that upset me. Maybe I read too much into this? I see why you'd be feeling a little off. You did tell him that you were tired and he probably felt that you didn't want to be on the phone with him at that moment. He was rushing b/c he was respecting your time and his perception that you wanted to get off the phone and take a break. I think that is okay. Have you communicated with him since? Text? How does he sound? For now, take it easy. As others have said, let him know that you were tired and apologize if you gave off a vibe that made him think you were not interested in any way. You were tired, but didn't intend for the conversation (or lack thereof) to be so rushed. Explain it to him and simply enjoy one another.
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 One of the reasons my husband dumped the girl before me was because she wasn't assertive. She didn't say what she wanted. He got tired of leading. Being decorative flower with no ability to say what you want is not a good thing. It's taken me a while to learn assertiveness. It's not that I'm not assertive in my soul haha...hm hard to describe but my first romantic relationship was very dysfunctional and the guy was abusive and it created a fixed quality of relationships for me. It can be really hard to suddenly be assertive with men when you're used to a guy overreacting every time you do or suggest something he doesn't like. This guy would basically get violent/abusive when I tried to show affection in ways he didn't like (unless it was sexual basically). I can say what I want now. I'm not a wallflower about basic everyday things like expressing what I do/don't like, where I do/don't want to go etc. I don't let the guy do everything - makes me feel guilty. I do say what I like and plan some stuff myself. But being emotionally open and vulnerable in a more serious way is difficult especially if it's expressing anything in any way negative (I'm afraid if I do, the guy will go running). I tend to try and put on a face and feel guilty if I feel sad/negative about anything in my life because I've not had a lot of people in my life I've felt comfortable being sad around. It's also hard for me to say what I want because I feel demanding (again based on that abuse dynamic in a previous relationship I mentioned earlier). That was 10 years ago and in many ways I'm over it but certain stuff has an impact for a long time. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Hey girl! I dont see where you were too emotional either I think you're just building this up in your mind The reason why he rushed the phone call is probably because you told him you were tired, which is totally fine I think you need to take some time to decompress. I'm in nursing school, I know first hand how stressful exams are...and to lose a family member ontop of it??? I'm so sorry for your loss crucible Even if you were a little emotional, the right guy would understand that considering what you're going through Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can And with this guy, I think you're doing just fine. Just try to reign in the overthinking a little. Breathe Thank you Dis I really appreciate your post. I definitely need a bit of a break. Aw I hope the right guy would understand. I'm just used to guys I date jumping ship as soon as I start acting like a multi-dimensional being who's not calm all the time and I feel I have to put on a face a lot/act like I don't care around men. But before when I did that, it turned some guys off 'cause they found me a bit too impenetrable (mentally not literally haha). It's hard to get the balance. I've always been really hard on myself and I try not to overthink but I always do it in some way.
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I'm sorry that you have had a negative experience in the past. It sounds like you have learned a lot from this experience and worked hard to move past it. Well done. I think many of us struggle to be assertive and say what we want in a relationship. A good guy, will encourage you and help you to feel comfortable being vulnerable in this way. (Although, one month is a little early to get a sense for this). Don't be too hard on yourself and keep working to develop these emotional self management skills, communication and relationship skills. You'll get there... And let us know how things go with this guy. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 I see why you'd be feeling a little off. You did tell him that you were tired and he probably felt that you didn't want to be on the phone with him at that moment. He was rushing b/c he was respecting your time and his perception that you wanted to get off the phone and take a break. I think that is okay. Have you communicated with him since? Text? How does he sound? For now, take it easy. As others have said, let him know that you were tired and apologize if you gave off a vibe that made him think you were not interested in any way. You were tired, but didn't intend for the conversation (or lack thereof) to be so rushed. Explain it to him and simply enjoy one another. Thanks for the advice. I'm not worried about coming across as uninterested myself. I'm more worried because I tried to talk a bit in the phone and he was really quick with it like he'd rehearsed what he was going to say and just did it all in one breath. So it felt rushed and impersonal. I actually thought he wasn't interested. I haven't text him since because we made final arrangements for tomorrow and he said "you rest up and get some sleep" or something along those lines. I maybe caught him in the middle of doing something. I won't ask him to call me again because I'd rather there was a phone call which felt easy and natural than something rushed out of some sense of obligation. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 I'm sorry that you have had a negative experience in the past. It sounds like you have learned a lot from this experience and worked hard to move past it. Well done. I think many of us struggle to be assertive and say what we want in a relationship. A good guy, will encourage you and help you to feel comfortable being vulnerable in this way. (Although, one month is a little early to get a sense for this). Don't be too hard on yourself and keep working to develop these emotional self management skills, communication and relationship skills. You'll get there... And let us know how things go with this guy. Thank you. I've been working on the emotional self-management skills for a while. It's hard and has taken a lot of work. I'm a lot better than I was 10 years ago - back then I was full on depressed and had a couple of nervous breakdowns between 17 and 21. I know I've made progress because it's not a strong part of my identity and I don't tell people about it who didn't know me back then. But emotions flare up from time to time and I have to actively work to nip it in the bud. It sucks when people are abusive in relationships because the abusive person just moves on like nothing ever happened and other people don't know what they're really like. You have to deal with the emotional side effects for a long time. For context - he's the guy from another thread I made recently.
basil67 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 It comes and goes. I've seen a psychologist in the past and had CBT before. I know it will always be there in some way, which is something I accept. It's part of my personality in a way. It was a lot worse before I have to say. Glad to hear you're being proactive and making progress. Well done you. 3
Dis Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Thank you Dis I really appreciate your post. I definitely need a bit of a break. Aw I hope the right guy would understand. I'm just used to guys I date jumping ship as soon as I start acting like a multi-dimensional being who's not calm all the time and I feel I have to put on a face a lot/act like I don't care around men. But before when I did that, it turned some guys off 'cause they found me a bit too impenetrable (mentally not literally haha). It's hard to get the balance. I've always been really hard on myself and I try not to overthink but I always do it in some way. I always overthink things too. Its so hard not too. But, when your with the right person, the overthinking is at a minimum so keep that in mind I'm so sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship. I know how abuse can shape a person and cause problems later on. I was abused by two family members growing up and its impacted the decisions I've made with men in my adult life. I know you have some issues dealing with your emotions, I did too for a very long time All I can say about overcoming these issues is that it takes time and work....I'm certainly not done yet. I do think we learn as we go. Trial and error. I look back on the men I was with years ago, and even a year ago and I've learned so much since then. You're a smart girl and you're working on improving....that is all you can do girly Please know that hard work will pay off. It probably already has...you're just not giving yourself enough credit As for not being yourself around guys because of your past experiences.... I think the sooner you can start to allow yourself to be human again the better. These guys (even the good ones) wont be able to like you, or even love you for who you are if you cant be yourself. I know it will take time to work on that and I commend you for the work you've already done... just know that there are men out there who will value you for everything, even your messiest moods, your overreactions etc. If you being you scares them off....they werent meant for you anyway Keep your chin up crucible. Sending lots of love and healing energies 2
Author thecrucible Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 As for not being yourself around guys because of your past experiences.... I think the sooner you can start to allow yourself to be human again the better. These guys (even the good ones) wont be able to like you, or even love you for who you are if you cant be yourself. I know it will take time to work on that and I commend you for the work you've already done... just know that there are men out there who will value you for everything, even your messiest moods, your overreactions etc. If you being you scares them off....they werent meant for you anyway Keep your chin up crucible. Sending lots of love and healing energies Thank you. I read this before I met with him yesterday and it really helped. After that emotional turn, I got myself into a positive mindset before the date, which went well. It turns out that he seemed short on the phone because he was cooking something and didn't want to burn his food. He was actually worried he'd disturbed me when he called me because I was about to go to sleep. He was slightly late yesterday but I didn't complain or look like I noticed it, which was a good way to react. Because then he opened his car boot and produced a bouquet of roses for me. I wasn't sure before about how serious he was but then he told me now he's deleted dating profiles so I have gone and done the same. I think he has a sensitive side, kind of like me. Maybe that won't be a bad thing because he could relate to certain things that I do or be more forgiving if I'm emotional or whatever. I've been very attracted to hyper-masculine men in the past but there is a downside to that. He takes the lead with me in a good way. He also seems to like it when I'm direct about what I'm thinking/feeling. 4
Dis Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Thank you. I read this before I met with him yesterday and it really helped. After that emotional turn, I got myself into a positive mindset before the date, which went well. It turns out that he seemed short on the phone because he was cooking something and didn't want to burn his food. He was actually worried he'd disturbed me when he called me because I was about to go to sleep. He was slightly late yesterday but I didn't complain or look like I noticed it, which was a good way to react. Because then he opened his car boot and produced a bouquet of roses for me. I wasn't sure before about how serious he was but then he told me now he's deleted dating profiles so I have gone and done the same. I think he has a sensitive side, kind of like me. Maybe that won't be a bad thing because he could relate to certain things that I do or be more forgiving if I'm emotional or whatever. I've been very attracted to hyper-masculine men in the past but there is a downside to that. He takes the lead with me in a good way. He also seems to like it when I'm direct about what I'm thinking/feeling. Omg yayyyy!!! I'm so glad everything is going so well girl! You just motivated me to respond to this guy on OLD, hes not super masculine but...where has that gotten me? lol He brought you roses??? What a cutie! Plssss enjoy this! Enjoy the newness and excitement! Dont overthink because whatever happens, you can deal with it. Just have fun! Keep us posted! Xoxo 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 Omg yayyyy!!! I'm so glad everything is going so well girl! You just motivated me to respond to this guy on OLD, hes not super masculine but...where has that gotten me? lol He brought you roses??? What a cutie! Plssss enjoy this! Enjoy the newness and excitement! Dont overthink because whatever happens, you can deal with it. Just have fun! Keep us posted! Xoxo Thanks Disillusionment. I've only just gone back on here. I've been so busy with work and then dating him. The roses were lovely. He brought me flowers a couple of days ago as well when I last went to see him. He asked me to be his gf not long ago. At the weekend he is taking me to meet some friends of his and enjoy a short break. I have to admit that I'm feeling slightly nervous about this but I couldn't say no. I've been trying not to overthink. He seems to have a more logical brain than me and he doesn't overreact really if I tell him sensitive stuff. He knows some more about my past and doesn't seem to care or get jealous about guys in my past or anything like that. He hasn't judged me on it either. The one thing I'm not sure of is his tendency not to ask me much about my life. If I tell him things, he tends to just tell a story from his life rather than ask follow-up questions about mine. But at the same time he listens and I can tell he remembers details about me later on. I find it's just a block to emotional intimacy for me though. I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up so he knows I'm being serious but doesn't feel like I'm critiquing him. Hope your interactions with the OLD guy went well
basil67 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 The one thing I'm not sure of is his tendency not to ask me much about my life. If I tell him things, he tends to just tell a story from his life rather than ask follow-up questions about mine. But at the same time he listens and I can tell he remembers details about me later on. I find it's just a block to emotional intimacy for me though. I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up so he knows I'm being serious but doesn't feel like I'm critiquing him. When you talk, he listens. When he talks, you listen. If you're offering up adequate information, he probably doesn't need to ask questions. This actually sounds pretty normal to me. In my experience, this is the conversational style of most men. If all else is going well with him, I'd suggest that you're asking a bit too much.
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