Mkn1010 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to feeling extremely pessimistic about love/relationships/marriage etc even a couple years after a colossal heartbreak? Background: I'm a 30 yr old female and have had one long term boyfriend, he was my first everything and it ended horribly (I don't care to elaborate save to say that I felt like parts of my soul died then). Anyways that was 2.5 years ago!! You'd think I'd be fine now, right? I took one year off afterwards and was 100% celibate/date-less by choice! I'm a firm believer of working on yourself independently before dating again! I did therapy, lots of life changes etc etc. I then recommenced dating a year ago and I kept attracting dirt bags and emotionally unavailable men, as though it was a self fulfilling prophecy of my pessimism! Despite trying to really put myself out there and really making an effort to be REAL and vulnerable, I just can seem to shake the negativity I have surrounding the whole process and even humanity at large! I've now pulled the pin on dating completely! 2.5 years and I still cry myself to sleep at times, not sure what else I can do that I haven't already tried. I just wonder if anyone can help/share some insight/or just vent ... whatevs 3
Lilyana76 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I'm 40, and divorced. I was married for 20 years, so getting back into the dating scene has been quite daunting. I did OLD, never again. Was just OKStupid. I decided to just do things that were fun and interesting to me to meet new people. I'm a chef, so I got together with a couple friends and we started a "cooking for beginners" class at our local community center. I've met loads of single people my age, going through divorces or breakups. It's been great for my social life. I also started to take care of me more, I love going for long walks, and my friends would sometimes join me. As I lost a lot of weight, we started signing up for 5k and 10k fundraisers. Also, a great way to meet people. My suggestion is just start doing things that interest YOU, where you are having fun, if you meet someone or not doesn't matter. You are enjoying yourself, and it makes people gravitate to you. 8
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I agree with the above post.... I feel that is what is truly missing from your life....good positive people to connect with. It will increase your chances of meeting the right person for sure. 3
KBob Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Yep, OLD sucks. It only made me bitter as well. I took a month off post onlinr dating and I'm ready to go again. Now I'm using Meetup to find people that have similar interests to mine and I'm going to start volunteering at a local animal rescue shelter again. Like Liyana said, meeting people in positive situations where you are having fun will make you shine. 5
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 (edited) Thanks guys, I agree that positive interactions with humans is what I'm missing! Online dating only further skewed my view of humanity (or men) and I find it kind of soul destroying to be honest!!Oh well, we'll see what happens IRL. Knowing me, that'll be zero dates for the next x years haha but I will try meetups! I started life drawing classes and have also seen a few meetups that look interesting, I've just chickened out of going!It's interesting though, I've had a few guys tell me on dates that my present feelings towards marriage children are seriously pessimistic (which essentially are just that having a family and love are not a basic human rights that can be expected, many many people die alone and many don't ever experience love and what one deserves hardly correlates to what one gets. I feel like that's realistic, not pessimistic).So after hearing that a few times, and at the same time being asked by so many people how I'm still single, I started ready the book 'If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?'.... Has anyone read it? It basically puts it down to ambivalence. But what if ambivalence protects me, it would be truly a lot more sad and unbearable if I never experience love again, don't get to have children etc if I get my heart set on it! And funnily the writer says that she was highly committed to the task of finding her man, she went to heaps of singles events, did the online thing, tried every avenue she could think of and she believes this kind of approach is needed. Ironically, though, she met her husband at a dinner organized by a mutual friend. So that just proves my view that it's more likely to happen in an unexpected or natural setting, not by way of forcing yourself to date like there's no tomorrow!! Edited March 6, 2017 by Mkn1010
KBob Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I've had a few guys tell me on dates that my present feelings towards marriage children are seriously pessimistic (which essentially are just that having a family and love are not a basic human rights that can be expected, many many people die alone and many don't ever experience love and what one deserves hardly correlates to what one gets. I feel like that's realistic, not pessimistic). I think that is a very pessimistic viewpoint. Everyone has the right to have love and a family. Not having the right would mean an authority is preventing you from having it. Of course there are exceptions, like the Catholic clergy, but again anyone who joins it gives up the right to wed and have a family. So, we all have the right to find those two things, it's just that some people choose not to. And 100% of the people I've met that have never experienced love are ones who have never made an effort to go look for it. Just make sure you don't fall into that category! Believe in love, it's out there for anyone who wants it!
TheBathWater Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I was just going to say I can relate to the way you feel, and then I realized you contributed to my thread a couple of weeks ago, so I hope I can 'give back' a little to you now. There's no real time frame on grief and loss, or healing from relationship trauma. Some people break up from a 20 year marriage and are over it only months after they separate. Others date someone for just a few weeks and are devastated for years. I hope you will be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel as you do, even though I know you're tired of it already and would just like to get on with life and love. You said your boyfriend was "your everything," so when you lost him, I imagine that it felt equivalent to losing everything, including yourself. Even if he deceived you or betrayed you, your emotions still remember the parts of the relationship that were good - the hopes you had for a shared future, for example. Relationship trauma not only takes that away, it shatters the basic assumptions we have about the benevolence of people in the world. How could someone do to us what they did? Can we ever trust again? As someone who has had their heart stomped on more times than I'd imagined I would experience, including very recently, I have to say that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. It's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it still, but things can and do eventually evolve. I've also had more love in my life than I would have ever imagined. I don't know how my or your story will ultimately end in terms of love, but I do know that this is life, we are so lucky to have been born statistically speaking, and we're only here for a small period of time to observe and experience life. I try to practice love every day for myself by being realistic and thinking that it could be my last day alive, you never know. How will I talk to the barista at the coffee shop? How will I acknowledge strangers on the train? How will I spend my time at the gym? How will I move on the salsa dance floor when I go out? How will I talk to that cute girl across the room? When I acknowledge that this could be the last day of my life every day, it shows me what truly matters in the world - what is worth celebrating, and what is worth letting go. Those who are the most insightful also tend to be the most wounded. I can tell you're really intuitive, and you probably only gained that as a result of your experiences. My hope for you is that although you may have a hurting heart, you can appreciate the gift that resides in your wounds and contribute that gift to the world somehow. For me, your response to my last thread I started was the gift I needed that day. I won't forget the effect that had on me. Hang in there, and please be kind to yourself. I hope you encounter the love and kindness in someone else that you obviously give to others already. You deserve it. 3
TheBathWater Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 (edited) Yep, OLD sucks. It only made me bitter as well. I took a month off post onlinr dating and I'm ready to go again. Now I'm using Meetup to find people that have similar interests to mine and I'm going to start volunteering at a local animal rescue shelter again. Like Liyana said, meeting people in positive situations where you are having fun will make you shine. I would emphasize that if you use OLD, only use the paid sites. Not that you won't encounter some idiot guys there too, but you will find more people who are at least more intentional about commitment. Doing volunteer work is also a good idea. Meetups can be hit or miss, I think, but for some people it works. For a woman, I think the best thing you can do is to put yourself around people you would like to ultimately date, and demonstrate you are receptive to men. Of course, this is also a tough thing, because there are some unhealthy men who will pick up on your desire for connection and take advantage of it...so you really have to learn to screen men properly, pace things appropriately, and remain objective during the initial months of dating until you see who someone really is. OP, as a side note, I really think you should look up Ross Rosenberg's work on the Human Magnet Syndrome. He has a ton of free videos up on YouTube and an inexpensive book somewhere on Amazon. I have a feeling you will like his work and feel empowered by it. Edited March 6, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine 2
Raena Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 I tend to think that your viewpoint is realistic as well and not pessimistic. Anyone can desire to be in love and in a healthy happy relationship but that doesn't mean it is guaranteed to happen. I find myself saying this a lot about myself... I'm not dating material plain and simple.. but I get told quite regularly that this isn't realistic, that it's pessimistic. I feel like stating the facts is just being real, not negative... the facts themselves may be negative but that doesn't change that fact that they are true. I don't personally see myself dating anytime soon. I refuse to do OLD, I have very little spare time to meet anyone and I just can't do meetups. So yeah, I desire to be in a relationship but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. More than likely it won't because I'm not able to put myself in a position to meet someone and even if I did, that doesn't mean I'll meet someone who'll like and accept me for who I am. I'm just being realistic. Others call it pessimistic. I don't think it matters what you call it, the facts are the facts. 1
coolheadal Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Too much worry about your life and what's going on. Prior relationships doesn't matter now your living in the NOW, not the past! What you do from now on what counts. Saying all that is you have to approach things different today. Online Dating is one way to break the ice. Do your homework see if your interest is met and see if you can communicate effectively. Try not to bring up the past and comparing. These two will kill any newer hope in a relationship. Everyone is pretty much in the same shoes today. If you can get something work try to hold on to it and try to make sure this time around it works out for you and him. Not easy if you're not sure what to do, but there is a lot of help here on LS to guide you in the right direction to love and happiness. 1
Author Mkn1010 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 I was just going to say I can relate to the way you feel, and then I realized you contributed to my thread a couple of weeks ago, so I hope I can 'give back' a little to you now. There's no real time frame on grief and loss, or healing from relationship trauma. Some people break up from a 20 year marriage and are over it only months after they separate. Others date someone for just a few weeks and are devastated for years. I hope you will be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel as you do, even though I know you're tired of it already and would just like to get on with life and love. You said your boyfriend was "your everything," so when you lost him, I imagine that it felt equivalent to losing everything, including yourself. Even if he deceived you or betrayed you, your emotions still remember the parts of the relationship that were good - the hopes you had for a shared future, for example. Relationship trauma not only takes that away, it shatters the basic assumptions we have about the benevolence of people in the world. How could someone do to us what they did? Can we ever trust again? As someone who has had their heart stomped on more times than I'd imagined I would experience, including very recently, I have to say that it was worth it and I wouldn't change it. It's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it still, but things can and do eventually evolve. I've also had more love in my life than I would have ever imagined. I don't know how my or your story will ultimately end in terms of love, but I do know that this is life, we are so lucky to have been born statistically speaking, and we're only here for a small period of time to observe and experience life. I try to practice love every day for myself by being realistic and thinking that it could be my last day alive, you never know. How will I talk to the barista at the coffee shop? How will I acknowledge strangers on the train? How will I spend my time at the gym? How will I move on the salsa dance floor when I go out? How will I talk to that cute girl across the room? When I acknowledge that this could be the last day of my life every day, it shows me what truly matters in the world - what is worth celebrating, and what is worth letting go. Those who are the most insightful also tend to be the most wounded. I can tell you're really intuitive, and you probably only gained that as a result of your experiences. My hope for you is that although you may have a hurting heart, you can appreciate the gift that resides in your wounds and contribute that gift to the world somehow. For me, your response to my last thread I started was the gift I needed that day. I won't forget the effect that had on me. Hang in there, and please be kind to yourself. I hope you encounter the love and kindness in someone else that you obviously give to others already. You deserve it. Thank you kindly Tuna I definitely already do appreciate the personal growth and introspection that comes from being profoundly hurt! Sometimes, I feel like an 80 year old in a 30 year old's body though! I don't think I will ever be able to love in that innocent/free/naive way like I did the first time around. I guess I find that sad, but also necessary. I really wish that, in life, good people connected with other good people and those that 'deserved love' (like you), were good at finding it!! But your post shows me that even strangers on the internet can show an enormous kindness for one another. I'm glad I could help you, and you have in turn helped me
bluefeather Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 You bring up some interesting perspective, so thank you for sharing. What stood out most to me was this section: Despite trying to really put myself out there and really making an effort to be REAL and vulnerable, I just can seem to shake the negativity I have surrounding the whole process and even humanity at large! I've now pulled the pin on dating completely! 2.5 years and I still cry myself to sleep at times, not sure what else I can do that I haven't already tried. I don't really know what you did to "really" put yourself out there and make an effort to be "real and vulnerable." Maybe, just maybe, there's something else to do? Like when you mentioned "self fulfilling prophecy of my pessimism," maybe the next thing you could try is changing your attitude. Just trying to think of more ideas to help. Also, you have been trying for what, 1.5 years? Because you said 2.5 years since the break-up and 1 year of nothing. Hmm, I don't know about you, but I can put this kind of thinking with my experience and I get this: After my long-term relationship, I jumped into multiple relationships in much less than 1.5 years. And where am I now? Single again. lol. so, obviously, getting into one sooner than 1.5 years doesn't necessarily mean better than not getting into one within that time-frame. So now I gotta ask you, and also myself, how much of our patience is true love worth? Hmm... I will be positive and continue searching Oh, and don't bash all the people of OLD because there are some noobies like me just dipping our toes into the water lol 2
basil67 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 It's not all bad. You're actually in a very fortunate placedto have feedback from the guys who felt you weren't right for them. So many people go about wondering for so long why they can't connect....but you know that your pessimism is an issue. This means you can work on it. I always try to have a positive outlook when I'm talking with others because I know how draining a pessimist outlook can be. And I totally agree with you on meeting people in real life first. My husband and I were also the result of a set up. But had we both been online dating, I probably wouldn't have given his profile a second glance. It's too ruthless.
CloudyHead Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 You need to love yourself and change your perception. You need to love yourself. Don't depend on someone else to make you happy or to fulfill you. You have to do that for yourself. You will always be unhappy and disappointed if you depend on others for love and happiness. With respect to dating and meeting people, change your perception. Look at dating as an adventure and a way of meeting people. Keep your expectations low. Be aware of toxic people and keep them out of your life. I got depressed about dating but, once I changed my view on it, then I sat back and enjoyed it. It is a chance to meet new people and have new experiences. I never viewed a person as a potential partner after the first or even second date. 1
Merriweather Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I also feel very negative about dating, it's something that runs in the background even though I'm in a pretty good relationship right now. I still have old doubts & scars from old wounds, which keeps me from fully engaging in a fun relationship without worrying that it could end tomorrow. Mentally always preparing myself for the fall when I get let down again. I try to keep the doom & gloom to myself with him but it seems like it's just a part of me now, to expect the worst.
flashed Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 When you hold yourself in high regard, then you are ready to date. Online dating can be great with a little screening and not being outcome oriented. If someone isnt a good fit, no big deal. Enjoy your hobbies and friends til you find someone worth taking time to meet. I've met great women online. Dating one now as a matter of fact. On a free site too! Hell must have froze over right? And don't get piss face about previous disaster OLD experiences. They make great stories. Think about that next time you're on one. 1
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