DMVeep Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) I started seeing a woman about a month ago. I wasn't head over heels for her, but I thought things were going well and wanted to keep seeing her. Then, last week she tells me she isn't feeling an emotional spark/strong connection. She then went on to say that I was very physically attractive, funny, and intelligent. She also said that I was fun to hang out with and she feels very comfortable with me. She then stated she wasn't sure if a spark would develop or not and questioned whether we should still see each other, but didn't definitively say we should part ways. She seemed really confused about what she wants. I asked if she wanted a friends with benefits situation but she said no. Fast forward to this Friday, a week later. She still expressed confusion about things and stated she is a very indecisive person. However, the physical aspect of things ratcheted up and we ended up having sex. I'm not opposed to a friends with benefits situation but I also feel like I've been half rejected for some unknown reason. I'm not sure where this spark is supposed to come from if there is physical chemistry, shared laughter, and we generally have fun together. However, I got the impression she still wants to explore other options. I feel very awkward about things. A big part of me wants to still see her but a big part of me also feels like this isn't going anywhere. Regardless of what is going on here, the uncertainty is a huge distraction, even disturbing my sleep. I'm fine with FWB or dating but not indecision. I feel hesitant to contact her at this point. What should I do? Should I wait for her to contact me? Should I break it off? Edited March 5, 2017 by DMVeep
KBob Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 She could be testing you to see if you'll keep pursuing her. What is her relationship history like? What you should do hinges on what you want. If you're OK with keeping her casual and exploring other options yourself, go do that. If you're a monogamous dater, then leave her and move on to find someone that does have a strong connection with you. Her indesciveness shouldn't become your problem, it's OK for you to not want to stay in a situation that might not go anywhere, and it's OK for you to tell her that. If she continues to be indescive and leave you in a grey area, maybe that's a sign that she's not that into you and you need to move on. 1
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 She told you she didn't feel any spark/connection with you so dating is obviously out and she also told you FWB was a no go so what is there here to break off?
Author DMVeep Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 She told you she didn't feel any spark/connection with you so dating is obviously out and she also told you FWB was a no go so what is there here to break off? We hooked up after that though, see the confusion?
Author DMVeep Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 She could be testing you to see if you'll keep pursuing her. What is her relationship history like? She is 30 and has only had one long relationship of 4 years. Other than that, I think nothing more than 6 months.
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 We hooked up after that though, see the confusion? Ok, but is she blowing up your phone and suggesting lots of thing to do together since Friday, or even suggesting another hook up? No, I guess not. You are not exactly Mr Keen either, you slept with the woman and it is now Sunday... You seem pretty luke warm and so does she, so maybe just give it up as a bad job.
The_Dork_Lard Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 She is 30 and has only had one long relationship of 4 years. Other than that, I think nothing more than 6 months. There's your answer. I had a very similar experience to you but with a 43 year old woman that re-emerged 3 years after I had a 3 year relationship with her. I took the bait, thought there was a spark again, and she disappeared faster than a rabbit down a hole saying she didn't know what she wanted (cue some sharp pain on my end). All her relationships, including a marriage in her late 20's, were all about 3 years. See the pattern? Some people just have an expiry date on their relationship lengths. From my cold objective view, I say cut your losses now and move on. This won't get better, the spark won't come.
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Rule of thumb....if you are not getting what you want, you simply move on. 4
KBob Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 There's your answer. I had a very similar experience to you but with a 43 year old woman that re-emerged 3 years after I had a 3 year relationship with her. I took the bait, thought there was a spark again, and she disappeared faster than a rabbit down a hole saying she didn't know what she wanted (cue some sharp pain on my end). All her relationships, including a marriage in her late 20's, were all about 3 years. See the pattern? Some people just have an expiry date on their relationship lengths. From my cold objective view, I say cut your losses now and move on. This won't get better, the spark won't come. I wouldnt say there's anything wrong with her relationship history, it looks fairly normal to me. The cause of breakups before six months could be something to look at but i dont see anything out of the ordinary.
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Are you asking her how she feels about you or is this information she has volunteered? If you are asking her questions, then I feel one month's dating is a bit early for someone to know for sure how they are feeling. She obviously likes a lot about you but maybe isn't feeling that 'in love' state yet. Feelings have a life of their own, they form, they sometimes take time to clarify. Maybe you are asking too soon. If she is keeping in touch with you, responding and still wants to see you, then she might feel more connected after sex. If you like her, let her know, especially after sex, because otherwise she will think you just wanted a night of passion but not more. I think one month is a bit early to expect clarity. However, if you are feeling rejected, maybe wait and see if this improves before throwing in the towel. She may not have intended to sound rejecting but was being honest about her feelings. Feelings can creep up on you and things could change on that front. 1
Author DMVeep Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) Are you asking her how she feels about you or is this information she has volunteered? If you are asking her questions, then I feel one month's dating is a bit early for someone to know for sure how they are feeling. She obviously likes a lot about you but maybe isn't feeling that 'in love' state yet. Feelings have a life of their own, they form, they sometimes take time to clarify. Maybe you are asking too soon. If she is keeping in touch with you, responding and still wants to see you, then she might feel more connected after sex. If you like her, let her know, especially after sex, because otherwise she will think you just wanted a night of passion but not more. I think one month is a bit early to expect clarity. However, if you are feeling rejected, maybe wait and see if this improves before throwing in the towel. She may not have intended to sound rejecting but was being honest about her feelings. Feelings can creep up on you and things could change on that front. She was the one who started that conversation. I think she was trying to be honest, but its just silly for her to bother making those remarks unless she wanted to act on them one way or another. She just didn't need to open that can of worms for no reason. I actually just ended up hanging out with her today. She seemed pretty cold compared to the last time we hung out. We went to a park and kissed a few times, but nothing heavy. She declined coming to my place after leaving the park, stating she had errands to run. She just didn't seem the same. It seems like she is willing to hang out with me only when its convenient for her. I am curious if she will still reach out to me if I stop contacting her. I was hoping things would be clarified today, but they only muddled things further. The hot and cold behavior is a huge turn off. I wish I didn't feel so disappointed in this situation. In the mean time, I've started looking at other options myself. If she reaches out to me, I will hang out with her but not go out of my way to do so. Does this seem reasonable? Edited March 5, 2017 by DMVeep
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 It sounds like she has cooled off for whatever reason. Yes, I think withdraw a bit and see how she responds. If she is cool with you, that is not a good sign. It is best to consider others. I see no harm in continuing to see her if you want to, but maybe lower your expectations of this relationship. Having said that, anything can happen, as feelings have a way of interfering just when we think we are in control of things.
Author DMVeep Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 I feel the ship probably can't be righted at this point. After a month, I'd expect a little more at this point. Does that seem reasonable?
Simple Logic Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 She not interested in a FWB because your lack of true interest already makes her feel she is only in a FWB. 1
lionlover1973 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I wasn't head over heels for her, but I thought things were going well and wanted to keep seeing her. Then, last week she tells me she isn't feeling an emotional spark/strong connection. If you're not 'head over heels for her', and neither is she at this juncture, you're both in the same boat emotionally, no? If so, then what exactly is the problem?
Author DMVeep Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 She not interested in a FWB because your lack of true interest already makes her feel she is only in a FWB. That's not actually true. Its really coming from her end. I actually really like everything about her, but getting a lukewarm reception on her end causes my interest to waver. I have treated her well the whole time. No reason to feel there is a lack of interest on my end. I'm quite the catch but she's just not feeling it is my assessment.
coolheadal Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 You got to hand to these women with short term lifestyles when the going gets tough the time to quit out of relationship comes up short at best. So here you have a woman with all sorts of mental unstable behavioral attitude and now your trying to figure her out. No one can and neither can her! Cut her lose if you don't the mad hatter her will never let you have the pie and key to her heart, you'll be sorry sooner than later.
Author DMVeep Posted March 6, 2017 Author Posted March 6, 2017 It sounds like she has cooled off for whatever reason. Yes, I think withdraw a bit and see how she responds. If she is cool with you, that is not a good sign. It is best to consider others. I see no harm in continuing to see her if you want to, but maybe lower your expectations of this relationship. Having said that, anything can happen, as feelings have a way of interfering just when we think we are in control of things. Do you think this could be some sort of elaborate "play hard to get scheme"? I feel like I'm too old for this ****.
act00 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 She might be feeling awkward after sleeping with you after she threw out the indecisiveness. Also, men tend to run away after they get sex, so this might be adding to her worry. I also think one month in is too soon to be requiring anyone to know where this will lead. You seem a bit apprehensive yourself. Personally, I think that if you want to give this a little more time and see where it goes, you should. Aside from recently, everything seemed to go rather well. Certainly keep your expectations low and your options open.
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Do you think this could be some sort of elaborate "play hard to get scheme"? I feel like I'm too old for this ****. If this is the Spanish girl then you need to have a long chat about what she expects in a relationship. How she expects to behave and how she wants you to behave. Seems to me the Spanish courtship (and this is a generalisation) does involve some complicated games.
Author DMVeep Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) She might be feeling awkward after sleeping with you after she threw out the indecisiveness. Also, men tend to run away after they get sex, so this might be adding to her worry. I also think one month in is too soon to be requiring anyone to know where this will lead. You seem a bit apprehensive yourself. Personally, I think that if you want to give this a little more time and see where it goes, you should. Aside from recently, everything seemed to go rather well. Certainly keep your expectations low and your options open. I'm not sure what to do here. After our last date at the park on Sunday, neither of referenced getting together again as I was certainly feeling some frustration. She sent me a quick text after the date regarding something we joked about and I replied on Sunday. However, since I don't know where I stand still really, I decided to wait and see if she would reach out to me Monday. She did not. We had been in contact pretty much every day since the first date. I kind of wanted to leave the ball in her court to see if she would initiate any further contact or dates. Is this a bad strategy? I don't want to seem desperate mainly because I'm not. However, I can't deny I was very excited about her initially. Edited March 7, 2017 by DMVeep
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 You got to hand to these women with short term lifestyles when the going gets tough the time to quit out of relationship comes up short at best. So here you have a woman with all sorts of mental unstable behavioral attitude and now your trying to figure her out. No one can and neither can her! Cut her lose if you don't the mad hatter her will never let you have the pie and key to her heart, you'll be sorry sooner than later. It's not a short term lifestyle. It's the OLD culture. The problem is, when you meet someone through friends/work, you already know something about them, you already have people in common, you already know if there are major dealbreakers and you already know if you are attracted. Doing OLD is like a shot in the dark. Majority of people I have met on there tell major lies,some you only uncover after few months of dating. Anybody can go on there and pretend to be whoever they want. The in person chemistry is also difficult to asses. If she is like me and doesn't feel attracted to complete strangers then she gives in time to see if it will develop etc... I personally don't see anyting wrong with her dating history. She just wasn't into OP and it seems like he felt the same. He only decided he was interested after she rejected him. 2
Popsicle Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 She is missing an emotional connection with you. My friend was just regaling to me today about this guy who she is crazily sexually attracted to (they have sex all day long for days) but they don't talk about much else. Maybe she can't relate to you and feels you can't relate to her. Maybe she can't open up to you and feels you don't open up to her. Sex and going places together is easy.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 (edited) She is missing an emotional connection with you. My friend was just regaling to me today about this guy who she is crazily sexually attracted to (they have sex all day long for days) but they don't talk about much else. Maybe she can't relate to you and feels you can't relate to her. Maybe she can't open up to you and feels you don't open up to her. Sex and going places together is easy. Yeah, that's how I felt about my ex ex. I gave it 8 months beause sex/physical attraction was great. He was also a decent guy with almost no baggage. But our conversations never progressed deeper than small talk. I just felt like he wasn't opening up to me and even when I tried, I wasn't given back much. That was missing and kept me from falling for him. I thought in time he may open up but it never really happened. My ex on the other hand, we could talk about anything for hours on end. We never ran out of deep conversation and physical attraction was definetly there. But he was also a liar, functional alcoholic, broke, irresponsible and had truckloads of baggage from all sides. So no go either. Edited March 8, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine 1
Author DMVeep Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 She is missing an emotional connection with you. My friend was just regaling to me today about this guy who she is crazily sexually attracted to (they have sex all day long for days) but they don't talk about much else. Maybe she can't relate to you and feels you can't relate to her. Maybe she can't open up to you and feels you don't open up to her. Sex and going places together is easy. If this is the case, is there a way to fix it? I thought I was being pretty open about things but maybe not. What types of things should I discuss to get things to a deeper level if she feels it's lacking?
Recommended Posts