SoThatHappened Posted March 6, 2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Best way to cope in my experience: - Exercise your a$$ off
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Best way to cope in my experience: - Exercise your a$$ off STH! sup? OP, listen to me. It doesn't matter that you were a crappy boyfriend or the greatest one in the world. A lot of times all that does is change HOW LONG they stick around. It doesn't change the end. How bad could you have been for her to stick with you for 3.5 years? You probably got complacent, stopped trying, and to tell you the truth, that's what you're supposed to do. You can't live your life trying to impress someone. At some point, you have to be yourself, warts and all, and they have to love you enough to look past the crappy things we all do from time to time. Also, you didn't act like that, whatever "that" is, in a vacuum. You were reacting to her too. You two had a dynamic, a way of relating to each other. Whatever your relationship was like, that's what you two really are to each other. It didn't work out because it is not naturally good. You got comfortable, and whether you know it or not, it was uncomfortable to you, so you started to act out. You didn't act crappy because you were totally happy in a state of bliss. You're lying to yourself. You were dissatisfied in some ways. So don't sweat it. Just learn about yourself, and if you find parts of you you're not proud of, then fix them. It's all you can do, and the next one that comes along will appreciate the effort you put in now. 1
Author coresnet Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Well, I will try to explain the situation in more details. I was introduced to her by a friend of mine and we started some kind of "dating" for a couple of weeks but nothing happened as she'd arranged a work for the summer and she had to leave town. We didn't see/hear from each other for an year when I sent her FB friend request and a couple of months later we started dating again. The first year and a half was mostly "good" for our relationship with some little fights but nothing worrying. Then she managed to realize her dream - have her own flower shop, she is a florist and loves her work! She had to work for 12 hrs every day (except on Sunday, then "just" 5-6) in order to develop this business and I know she had to do it but i was becoming more and more dissatisfied. Maybe I was selfish and did not support her in her dream work but I felt more and more distant. She hardly had time for me, we were seeing each other 1 or 2 times a week. I don't deny the fact she did all she could to see me but I just wanted more time for us. I wanted to go on holidays, to travel somewhere in the countryside for a couple of days and things like that. No need to tell you it was not possible! As time went by I just got used to and was feeling indifferent. I felt love for her but I had become a "ghost" of myself, maybe even felt depressed sometimes. I did not give her appreciation, intimacy, I was not interested in going out anymore, I felt a total lack of motivation. We were even separated for a month when I could not withstand all this s**t anymore but she made me get back. Well, half an year later she broke it up and that's it...
SoThatHappened Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 STH! sup? Good, mighty! Glad to see you back, man. Just learn about yourself, and if you find parts of you you're not proud of, then fix them. It's all you can do, and the next one that comes along will appreciate the effort you put in now. This^^ We all get a little comfortable and complacent as the honeymoon period wears off, and then you find out if they truly care about you (warts and all). But, you also have to put in some effort the next time around so you don't do this again: I did not give her appreciation, intimacy, I was not interested in going out anymore, I felt a total lack of motivation.
Author coresnet Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 Yeah, I know I had to put some effort yet I didn't do it I am responsible for this s**t
allybaba789 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I can only speak for myself, but over time feelings do unfortunately change. I'm going to keep this very general, this is my theory. I think people are always unconsciously weighing up the pros and cons of a relationship in their head - when the pros outweigh the cons, you are happy and stay together, when the cons become too much you are unhappy and you end the relationship. Over time you get to know someone better and better. When you are in a romantic relationship you really get to know the depths of someone: how they react in certain situations, how they treat people, their likes and dislikes, their political views, their personal habits, their daily routine etc. I think over time you continuously consider all these things and it makes you feel a certain way. For instance, having strong feelings plus having loads in common, enjoying each other's company, enjoying the company of their friends and family, naturally fitting into each others daily schedules etc. can make you fall in love. Over time things change. After 6 months-1 year (depending how much time you spend together) you have likely seen most of the worst of your other half. This could be annoying habits, differing views (there could be one thing you disagree on that could keep coming up), life changes impacting your typical routine (i.e. someone changing job), starting to bicker etc and these things create friction in a relationship. People always remember how they feel when a situation occurs. Sometimes nothing happens as such, couples just stop making an effort, and the lack of moments of happiness turn to apathy. You could start to realise you have more fun with your friends than your partner. Maybe seeing your partner becomes less exciting and you become indifferent whether you even see them or not. So my point is I think relationships are a constant cost-benefit analysis that you do in your head and you can fall out of love with someone when, for some reason, the circumstances are not to your liking. People don't just fall out of love - something triggers it. Sometimes its the other persons fault, sometimes it isnt. Sorry I'm an accountant so I see everything black and white but this is my view! I don't know what happened in your relationship, but something made her fall out of love with you. Maybe she had clear reasons (but these wouldn't mean there is anything wrong with you, she just decided its something that she doesn't personally want in a life partner) or maybe she just became ungrateful/lazy/focused on other things. The one thing I will advise is you need to communicate with her, it's good to talk x
Author coresnet Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 Thanks for the comprehensive answer! Well, I communicated with her many times after the breakup. She told me the things that killed her love for me was me being indifferent, fighting with her about her job and appearance, not being romantic/tender/gentle with her, not appreciating her enough, not supporting her, not kissing/hugging enough...
whatnot Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 (edited) My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me in December. The reason - she did not love me anymore, she wasn't feeling as she used to and it was my fault (mostly). No need to tell you I made ALL the classic mistakes - begging, pleading, texting, sending gifts etc. All that for more than a month Only a month? I did that for the last 3 years......of a 7.... year relationship. Edited March 8, 2017 by whatnot
Author coresnet Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Well, 3 years certainly is a lot of time, I don't think I will be strong enough to chase her for that long, it is really exhausting and at some point - you realize it's useless. I understood you can't force someone to like/love you. I knew it back then too, of course, but I was just in "panic" mode and thought if I beg, plead, try to rationalize things, send gifts, show I've changed etc. she will take me back. There is no point, really. Women don't "work" that way... They are emotional creatures and once she's checked out (months before the final "sentence") - there is no going back. The damage is done and it is almost irrepairable. What happened to your relationship?
allybaba789 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Thanks for the comprehensive answer! Well, I communicated with her many times after the breakup. She told me the things that killed her love for me was me being indifferent, fighting with her about her job and appearance, not being romantic/tender/gentle with her, not appreciating her enough, not supporting her, not kissing/hugging enough... Unfortunately for you these are all very clear reasons. Unless you feel you can meet her needs in these areas, the reason she fell out of love was due to incompatability. If being indifferent means having no opinion on things, maybe you need to think about whether you try to please people too much by staying neutral, when actually people close to you want to hear your view and it can be annoying if you don't give it Not being romantic is easy to fix and not a deal-breaker for most women. This could just be doing one nice thing a week for her like cooking her a meal, giving her a massage, getting her flowers/chocolates. It really is the little things that count. I could go on with all these points but you really do just sound incompatabile. They are all very strong points. Find someone who suits you better
Author coresnet Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Yes, she honestly gave me these very clear reasons and I accept them and knew them even back then. I just didn't do anything to change them, like I was totally uninterested, bored and accustomed to the state of our relationship. By being indifferent I mean all these things - not so excited to call her, to make an arrangement to go out somewhere, taking her for granted, bored sometimes etc. I certainly don't try to please people and I am not being neutral - in fact the total opposite! I am always honest and even harsh sometimes and my communication with her was not an exception. When I didn't like she was negligent of her appearance - I told her (in fact there were constant fights about that). When I didn't like her work taking her whole time - I told her (there were fights about that too). I was even selfish doing these things but I just didn't like these things and was telling my point of view. Our relationship developed very bad as she was always trying to please me and making compromises. She has even asked me several times things like "You are not going to leave me, are you?", "Do you love me?" and such kind of stuff after some fights which I now understand is some kind of needy behaviour? I myself am selfish and egoistic person, narrow-minded sometimes and that behaviour of hers just gave me power to take her for granted, not respect her points of view, crush her... I am an a-hole and got what I deserved. Lesson learned (I hope so).
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