How do you cope with not being loved anymore?

[coresnet]

My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me in December. The reason - she did not love me anymore, she wasn't feeling as she used to and it was my fault (mostly). No need to tell you I made ALL the classic mistakes - begging, pleading, texting, sending gifts etc. All that for more than a month I feel better now but it is still too hard to understand and accept it. I really feel not worthy of being loved, I feel like garbage, I feel like I am the worst person in the world and I will be forever alone I took a massive hit to my self-esteem and self-confidence. How do you deal with such situation?? My mind just doesn't realize how can someone fall out of love

[LitTunnel]

Classic mistakes so don't feel alone and too bad. Yes, easier said than done. The feelings as you described that followed are all universal. I did the same as well, mainly due to the fact that I never felt this strong towards a girl before so when I lost my edge I panicked and made a total fool of myself by begging, pleading, texting etc. See, we all makes these mistakes. It's a terrible feeling leaving us with regret, hopelessness, sorrow, depression, anxiety, worry, fear, and especially the need to want to "do something." But don't! Don't do ANYTHING! Just sit back and let the pain run its course. Don't fight it dude.

 

You will be suffering for a while man, healing timeline, of course, varies from one person to another. But what you should definitely do is go completely 100% NC from here on out. Just remember, you reaching out to her from this time forth will cause further damage so refrain yourself at all cost if you ever want to stand a small chance of reconciliation. Your inner temptations to reach out to her will definitely creep up, more so in the begging stages and this is normal but do NOT follow through. Again, you will only dig yourself a deeper and deeper hole dude. It simply doesn't work. Trust us. Don't believe any idea you come up with because it's been tried, tested and failed in almost every case. Not saying it's never worked out before but just saying the chances are extremely, extremely low, especially after begging and pleading cases. They simply need their space. GIVE IT TO THEM!

 

Meanwhile, work on being a better version of you. Do a lot of introspection. This, of course, will come naturally because your mind is going to want answers. Read books, articles, videos, forums, whatever helps you to cope. Just as long as you stay on the path to enlightenment. If she never reaches out then you've done your next lover the biggest service man because you're going to go into your next relationship with that much more confidence and wisdom then EVER before. This could potentially be a beautiful thing for you but you just don't know it. All you're going to feel is suffering but remember, you don't know what you don't know so give this failed relationship some credit.

 

You WILL get through this my friend, it's inevitable:)

[coresnet]

Thanks for the kind words! I've read a lot of information since I made all these mistakes and realized some things as you say. I really made fool of myself after breakup but I was desperate and somehow "crazy". I am in NC for two weeks now and intend to keep it forever, as hard as it will be Still, I've got a little bit of hope for reconciliation some day, although she doesn't love me anymore and I can't do anything about it.

[basil67]

Don't be hard on yourself for begging after the dumping. It's not really as rare as some might believe. Yes, with retrospect, your begging may have caused you a hit on your self esteem, but the relationship was over by then, so it's not like you did any further damage to it.

 

When you look back at the relationship, did you know she was unhappy? Or did she not say anything to you? Could it be that you did nothing wrong but the two of you simply weren't suited to each other?

 

Be kind to yourself.

[mikeylo]

Well you see, the things that you call mistakes , every time you make and they are not resolved, without anyone wanting, takes away a part of what they feel. Just owning up mistakes doesn't bring back love. Resolving them and keeping them up , does.

[Bromeo]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I chased mine for several months. I would have loved to hear "fallen out of love", "didn't feel the same", etc at the time of the breakup, it would have made things way, way easier for me. Although it hurts like hell, you are fortunate in that she was clear with you. I didn't even get that.

 

The chasing doesn't do any real damage, you can't be anymore broken up. Plus it indicates you are willing to fight to save something you love.

[coresnet]

I knew she was not happy for the last month before the breakup (she told me that) but I just couldn't manage to do something about it or I just did not pay attention to her words There were frequent fights between us, especially for the last year so I am mostly responsible for that part... Maybe chasing can't do more damage (as I am broken up) and I was really fighting for her but I know it just doesn't happen like that. You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you "fight", I knew it back then but I was desperate to do something. I still hope some kind of mirracle happens but I know it's just unrealistic...

[mikeylo]

I knew she was not happy for the last month before the breakup (she told me that) but I just couldn't manage to do something about it or I just did not pay attention to her words There were frequent fights between us, especially for the last year so I am mostly responsible for that part... Maybe chasing can't do more damage (as I am broken up) and I was really fighting for her but I know it just doesn't happen like that. You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you "fight", I knew it back then but I was desperate to do something. I still hope some kind of mirracle happens but I know it's just unrealistic...

 

When you knew she wasn't happy , what changed did you make ? In your own words , you didn't do anything. Dude, what choice did you leave her with ?

[Mackem23]

She will definitely still love you 100% but maybes you fxxked up to badly give her time. No contact her start gym start buying new clothes for your sell start going on sunbeds the make sure bump into her somewhere you know where she will be and just give her a smile and wave and don't talk to her bet she comes back hammer the gym

[coresnet]

When you knew she wasn't happy , what changed did you make ? In your own words , you didn't do anything. Dude, what choice did you leave her with ?

 

No, I did not do anything and as I said - it's mostly my fault. I did not take things seriously although I was wondering what's wrong with me and what should I do? I knew she wanted to pay her more attention, to be more kind and passionate, to cuddle and kiss her more, to show her affection... But honestly, I am not such type of person. I really loved her but I am just not the type of guy that makes these types of things. I am calm, sometimes even indifferent, more conservative and so on. She is a passionate and positive person, artistic type if I can say. Maybe we see "love" differently, I don't know The only thing I know is I screwed everything up and now I feel bad and lonely, miss her, think I am not worthy of anything and so on...

[mikeylo]

Man, you cope being unloved by her exactly the same way she has been coping all the time when feeling unloved by you. She had been feeling what you are feeling now.

 

Love is give and take. You probably took too much but didn't give back equally. If you want her to love you then you have to love her more than she loves you , if not equal.

 

She probably learnt your love language ( not everybody does that !) and gave you exactly what you needed and wanted but you didn't reciprocate.

[coresnet]

Sounds correct! I guess I really didn't give her enough love while she gave me all of hers. I certainly wasn't in a relationship with her to "kill" time or something like that, I really loved her but it was not enough it seems or I couldn't/didn't show her that That is one of the things I regret about the situation as I didn't manage to make her feel loved as she wished... I was a sh***y boyfriend and I pay the price now. Can I hope for some "good" outcome in the future?

[preraph]

By loving yourself. I've known a couple of people who had less than perfect childhoods and didn't feel loved and valued and I would tell them to do extra nice things for themself. I'd tell them if there was a trait in someone they admired, instead of longing for the person, work on taking on that trait. I would tell them to mother themselves and pamper themselves and give themselves all the things they needed but didn't get. Then I'd tell them to take a parenting class before having a child since their modeling wasn't very good.

[mikeylo]

Good outcome ?

 

Only way I see is : give , give and give. Give some extra. Without her asking. Just the way she did.

 

What seemed normal for you to feel loved by her , was a lot of effort on her part that you couldn't see and probably she didn't even make you realize. That's how you need to do.

 

All we need is love. If you need then so does she.

[coresnet]

Well, i guess I love myself, even more that I should do as I've been thinking about myself (mostly) and didn't give my ex-gf the love and appreciation she needs/deserves. I was selfish and eventually took her for granted as she was always doing her best for me. "Give, give and give" - OK. But who do I give to She is long gone now, not loving me, not wanting to have anything in common with me, enjoying her single life and having new goals in life to pursue...

[la74219]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I chased mine for several months. I would have loved to hear "fallen out of love", "didn't feel the same", etc at the time of the breakup, it would have made things way, way easier for me. Although it hurts like hell, you are fortunate in that she was clear with you. I didn't even get that.

 

The chasing doesn't do any real damage, you can't be anymore broken up. Plus it indicates you are willing to fight to save something you love.

 

Bromeo is spot on with this. In my situation we weren't officially together, but right when I told her how I felt, she needed space. Several months later, after constant back and forth with her telling me she likes me and cares about me but doesn't know what she wants, I get the inevitable...she's been getting close with some other guy for the past few months after she denied it when I asked her about it. All of a sudden..she's never liked me, she's never been happy with me, this guy is the best thing that's ever happened to her, and I need to stay out of her business and life. Done deal..I'm out and never want to hear from her again even as friends.

 

Moral of the story..I would've loved to hear that she didn't feel the same way about me a lot sooner instead of dragging it on for several months. The constant back and forth was the biggest waste of time especially with some other guy being in the picture the entire time. Do yourself a favor and completely go no contact. Best wishes my friend..you are not alone.

[coresnet]

Thanks! I appreciate that. But your story is somewhat different. I've also had unrequitted love in the past. But it hurts much more to not be loved anymore if you've been for several years, I just don't get it

[la74219]

Thanks! I appreciate that. But your story is somewhat different. I've also had unrequitted love in the past. But it hurts much more to not be loved anymore if you've been for several years, I just don't get it

 

Yup different situation, but outcome should be the same..no contact! Unrequited love, fallen out of love, been in love than realized it wasn't love, etc...sadly enough I've experienced it all. No contact is the correct action. What happens after that varies in every situation. Maybe you hear from them again, maybe you don't. But more importantly, you will heal. The faster you go no contact, the faster you will heal. I know..easier said than done. Trust me I know. But do your best, and hang in there. Things will get better. Keep posting if it helps!

[mikeylo]

Thanks! I appreciate that. But your story is somewhat different. I've also had unrequitted love in the past. But it hurts much more to not be loved anymore if you've been for several years, I just don't get it

 

Wasn't she in your shoes just before you broke up ? Feeling unloved by you ? Waiting for you to step up when you admittedly didn't ?

 

She is the one having gone through unrequited love.

 

Now, whom to give ? You may have to find another girl who understands you as this one did and then give to her. Aren't as easy as I wrote it! Or talk to her and get her back.

 

And yeah, you can't be indifferent in a relationship. Not even for a split second. You have to nurture it everyday , every second.

[coresnet]

Yup different situation, but outcome should be the same..no contact! Unrequited love, fallen out of love, been in love than realized it wasn't love, etc...sadly enough I've experienced it all. No contact is the correct action. What happens after that varies in every situation. Maybe you hear from them again, maybe you don't. But more importantly, you will heal. The faster you go no contact, the faster you will heal. I know..easier said than done. Trust me I know. But do your best, and hang in there. Things will get better. Keep posting if it helps!

Thanks again! I am in NC now, after I chased her for almost 2 months with texting, begging, sending gifts and all that pathetic kind of stuff (I feel stupid now when I remember that ). I have to say I managed to take her out for a dinner once and we had good time, but it was too hard for me as she was indifferent and I still loved her... I stopped reaching out two weeks ago, when I met her for some "questions" from myself to her and the relationship as a whole. A week later she messaged me wishing health and prosperity for me and my family as there was a big holiday in my country (it celebrates spring coming) but I didn't reply at all - didn't want to continue hurting myself, although I had some doubts if I would be "rude" not responding... I feel mostly OK now, excluding some small periods of time when I remember about all the good things we've been through, but it gets better. I still have some little hope for the future, but I know it is not a realistic thing

[coresnet]

Wasn't she in your shoes just before you broke up ? Feeling unloved by you ? Waiting for you to step up when you admittedly didn't ?

 

She is the one having gone through unrequited love.

 

Now, whom to give ? You may have to find another girl who understands you as this one did and then give to her. Aren't as easy as I wrote it! Or talk to her and get her back.

 

And yeah, you can't be indifferent in a relationship. Not even for a split second. You have to nurture it everyday , every second.

 

Yeah, I ADMIT it I've been a sh***y boyfriend (not the whole time of course ) but I really loved her. If I didn't I would be the first one to break things up. I really DIDN'T think she feels her love unrequitted or I was just too ignorant (that was my longest relationship, the only previous two being 4 months and an year respectively). So as you correctly say - I was indifferent, lazy somehow if you wish and didn't SHOW her my love, although it was there for her... Now I don't want to find another girl whom to give my love but talking to my ex won't do anything. I tried everything and she knows how I feel but she just doesn't love me. I can do nothing about it, although I wish I could...

[mikeylo]

You are wrong again.

 

She DOESNT know how you feel! That is your entire issue

 

I guess it's more about misunderstanding and you taking her for granted. If it was me , I would play something around and clear this mess up and not let her go and reignite everything.

 

It seems easier to find someone who literally 'gets' you. Seems like this girl got you and honestly , no offense, you will be a fool to let her go.

[coresnet]

You are wrong again.

 

She DOESNT know how you feel! That is your entire issue

 

I guess it's more about misunderstanding and you taking her for granted. If it was me , I would play something around and clear this mess up and not let her go and reignite everything.

 

It seems easier to find someone who literally 'gets' you. Seems like this girl got you and honestly , no offense, you will be a fool to let her go.

 

I wish I was wrong! She knows how I feel as after the breakup I poured my heart over her. Begged, pleaded, even cried before her Asked her tens of times to let me have another chance, sent her flowers a couple of times, even decorated her flower shop window with colourful hearts one evening (WTF??). I tried everything possible and she is hard as a rock - "I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be with you, I want each one of us to take its own path in life, I want to be free" etc. etc. I respect your opinion for me being a fool to let her go but I just don't have any options. It is not in my control, I cannot make somebody love me no matter how hard I wish I could

[dumbass2]

I wish I was wrong! She knows how I feel as after the breakup I poured my heart over her. Begged, pleaded, even cried before her Asked her tens of times to let me have another chance, sent her flowers a couple of times, even decorated her flower shop window with colourful hearts one evening (WTF??). I tried everything possible and she is hard as a rock - "I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be with you, I want each one of us to take its own path in life, I want to be free" etc. etc. I respect your opinion for me being a fool to let her go but I just don't have any options. It is not in my control, I cannot make somebody love me no matter how hard I wish I could

 

This is huge for you. The fact that you understand this. You can't force love. You can't force your ex back with you. You now only control you. you and her need plenty of time away from what just happened, but don't hang onto hope for her in the future. There is plenty of hope for your next relationship.

 

Don't beat yourself up too bad for being a "****ty" boyfriend. I felt the same way after a break up, but guess what? I finally accepted that that is just where I was at that time. Nothing would have changed if we stayed together. Once it was over and I had time to look back, I saw a lot of good I did and things I need to get better at. You work on those things so you improve your chances of a healthy relationship with the next person you date. You learn from mistakes when you feel the consequences, which you have. You feel the loss.

 

By the way, your ex does still have love for you, she is just not "in love" with you any more. Remember that she was in love with you and did care about you in the relationship (until the "in love" faded away). You guys had some great times together and I'm sure she will remember those as well. It was a chapter in both your lives. That chapter has closed and on to creating the next.

[coresnet]

Yes, everything you said is true! Very wise words! I try to move on and I feel better every day, but I still have that little hope for reconciliation in the future and it certainly helps me. I will "release" that hope when I'm ready and I believe that moment will be soon.