Revisiting Past Loves?

[NiffyW]

While I was in graduate school, I was dating my now-husband long distance. Although we became engaged during my second of three years of grad school, I spent my final year of grad school having a relationship with a fellow student. I told myself that it was a last fling sort of thing. I wouldn't have broken off the engagement because my now-husband is a good man and, when I broached the subject, he broke down and pleaded. The wheels were already in motion, the reception planned and paid for. I just couldn't stop it. Intellectually, my husband seemed like a better fit, calm, kind, able to absorb my moods, great at sex, but not a sophisticated D.C. lawyer like my grad school friend.

 

I married my fiancee and moved back home to his town. I believed that I could go back to being friends with my grad school lover - invited him to our wedding and made him godfather to my daughter.

 

A week ago, my ex-lover got married. His wife learned that we had dated in grad school and refused to let him invite me to the wedding. My husband learned about my grad school involvement and doesn't want my ex-lover in my life although he wasn't surprised because he knew we were close and wasn't that upset.

 

Here's the thing - I talk to my ex-lover almost every day and we e-mail absolutely every day. The month before his wedding, we had a physical trist and then vowed we'd eliminate the sex from our friendship. I think I was largely pissed off that his fiancee hadn't trusted me (and decided to live down to her expectations) The sex has never been as good with my ex-lover as with my husband and, at the time we dated in grad school, I think there were things about him that I couldn't live with. I love my husband and children and don't think about him when I'm with them, I presume, he's comfortable with his new wife. Is it possible that I'm just pining for that pre-marriage 20 something free love time in my life? Should I cut ties with the ex-lover? If he were an accountant in Des Moines, I think I wouldn't be attracted to him, so maybe I'm revisiting my choice of life rather than my choice of man?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Should I cut ties with the ex-lover?

 

Absolutely. Your marriage and your ex's marriage will never have a real chance if you don't. Sometimes it really is time to put the past behind you.

 

It sounds like you are evaluating your life, your choices and are beginning to see that you have only one life to live: and this is how you chose to live it. Perfectly normal to have a slight panic like that. You start thinking of all the things you won't do with your life now, and it begins to overshadow all of those things that you are are doing with your life.

 

Its like that Aesop's fable: the one with the dog and the steak. He crosses a bridge, and looks down into the water and sees what he thinks is another dog with a bigger steak and opens his mouth to make a grab at it: and loses the steak he has.

 

Your best bet? Keep your head high, and cross this bridge without looking down. If you are happy with your H and your kids, and your life is stable and happy - the last thing you want to do is continually keep looking for that "something else" that will tempt you away from the good things you already have. If you stop looking, you can focus those efforts on moving forward with your life. Temptation doesn't come to those who aren't on some level looking for it.

[NiffyW]

Funny how, as I type my dilemma, the answers seem obvious. Movies shower us with images of the forbidden, but perfect love. My husband actually works to be romantic, supported my job change that more than cut my salary in half, and shoulders at least his half of the childcare. Solid, lasting love doesn't have fireworks all the time, I guess, but even during phases when I don't feel the sparks, my husband is an awesome friend and he makes me laugh. He doesn't have the ivy league degree of my ex-lover or the townhouse in Georgetown, but I think Carly Simon has it right:

 

What if the prince on the horse in your fairytale

Is right here in disguise

And what if the stars you’ve been reaching so high for

Are shining in his eyes

[whichwayisup]

Movie's are not real, but people's feelings are. Sounds like your H and OM's wife are hurt by this friendship you have. Does your husband know that you're in daily contact with him?

 

It's time to move on and say goodbye to this OM. He is taking away some focus that should be with your husband.

 

Good luck and keep posting. Writing thoughts out does help and makes things seem more clear, as you realized while you were posting.

[Bryanp]

What an unbelievably selfish person you are. Here your husband has given you everything and you respond by breaking your marriage vows and screwing your ex-lover before his wedding because you were mad that you were not invited to his wedding. You have been continuing an emotional affair calling and emailing this guy behind your husband's back. How would you feel if your husband had been doing to you what you have been doing to him? Clearly you have very little respect for your husband your marriage. Why not try a new concept called honesty and tell your husband the truth. It is the least he deserves. So your husband does everything for you and your future and you cheat on him emotionally and physically with your ex-lover behind his back. I really feel sorry for your husband. You don't even show any remorse for what you have done. Be truthful with your husband and allow him to decide whether he wishes to be with a wife who apparently could care less about humiliating and disrespecting him as a man and a spouse. Your husband sounds like a great guy and this is the way you repay him? Your husband has my sympathy. Again would you want to be married to a man who would do that to you? Open your eyes because apparently you have a broken moral compass at best.

[NiffyW]

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. Respect is the key. We cannot list every conceivable sentence, phrase, or word that a person could post, and declare whether or not it is acceptable. Our rules prohibit personal attacks (see our guidelines for a definition: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines), but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate.

 

Thanks for your cooperation. For those who want some more clarification about our overall philosophy regarding supportive posts, try this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45...ghlight=posting

[NiffyW]

You know. . .

the flip side is that I spent the first 4 years of our marriage working 60 hours a week at a law firm to support the business he started - then rushing home to deal with nannies for our children. I moved back to the Midwest because he wanted to stay here and then sat back while he played golf 3 times per week. We went through counseling which helped our marriage a lot. He was 14 years older and had been a bachelor for a long time and seemed to forget I was there until we met with a counselor.

 

And I didn't screw my ex-lover before his wedding. we got together, figured out that it didn't feel right, that time had moved on, and went to Au Bon PAin for coffee. Did I almost screw up - yeah, but I stopped. I have never had sex outside my marriage. I think I was trying to see whether I'd chosen the right road by giving up the law firm job in New York City for the Midwest. I don't know the answer, but I know that it's the road I chose.

[Bryanp]

Sorry NiftyW,

 

I just responded to what was written in your original message. You said you had a physical triste with this guy so I assumed it was indeed physical. Certainly there is much more to story based on your second post. I wish you luck.

[NiffyW]

You were right that I have been selfish. I shouldn't have even been tempted. My husband and I are two eternally flawed people working to juggle careers and children - sometimes getting it right. I need to recommit daily to the hard work involved in a marriage. I don't know what would have happened if I'd become a big time litigator in NYC or DC, but the obstacles and temptations wouldn't have been any fewer - just different.

[NiffyW]

I read an Andrew Greeley book many years ago about a Catholic priest who, in the course of the mystery, violates briefly his vow of celibacy and is tempted by his childhood love. In the postscript, Greeley makes the following observation:

 

This particular religious story will be successful if the reader is disconcerted by a tale of committments imperfectly made and imperfectly kept -- but that are still kept. And by the images of a God who draws straight with crooked lines, who easily and quickly forgives, and who wants to love us with the tenderness of a mother.

 

My husband and I have each struggled to support our marriage and, while I don't know about him, I have been tempted by the simple memory of a first love. Maybe he has too, but in the end we've stuck to our vows. The love in the rest of our marriage will be earned - not the simple adulation of youth, but drawing stright with crooked lines.

[Sal Paradise]

Did you do anything at all physical with the ex when you met him? Kissing etc..

 

If so I think you tell your husband since that is cheating to many people (including me). Actually you may of already emotionally cheated (sounds like you have anyway).

 

 

I think if you truly love your husband you need to be completely open with him and cut this ex out of your life completely. No emails, text messages, nothing. If you can't give your husband the respect he deserves then you should leave him so he can find someone who will.