CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So I've been dating this guy I met online for a month now. Every date that we've had (it's going to be 5 tomorrow) I have planned and initiated. How do I talk to him about this (that it bothers me) without seeming insecure or clingy? I'm still getting to know him so I don't know if he's just laid back like this in general with everything (from what I'm seeing, I'm going to say yes) or if he's not really that into me. 2
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Just let him initiate and plan the next date. Just don't do it yourself. If he is interested, he will make an effort. You don't need to talk to him about it - that is taking action - he should be the one taking action. 7
lurker74 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Lol... If there is one piece of advice I could give guys looking for dating success, it would be to make plans for the dates... It says you aviary from other guys generally. So is advise the carrot... Let him know how pleased you'd be.
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 Just let him initiate and plan the next date. Just don't do it yourself. If he is interested, he will make an effort. You don't need to talk to him about it - that is taking action - he should be the one taking action. He might not even realize he's not being proactive, though. Basically this whole time he has left everything up to me -- "whatever you want" is what he says to me. He hasn't said no to me yet, and he enjoys seeing me, but I would also like him to put in an effort as well. He seems like the type who needs things spelled out for him.
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 Lol... If there is one piece of advice I could give guys looking for dating success, it would be to make plans for the dates... It says you aviary from other guys generally. So is advise the carrot... Let him know how pleased you'd be. So I should tell him?
basil67 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 If you really want to say something to him, then try "I've planned the last few dates. It's your turn now" 2
gorf Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So I've been dating this guy I met online for a month now. Every date that we've had (it's going to be 5 tomorrow) I have planned and initiated. How do I talk to him about this (that it bothers me) without seeming insecure or clingy? I'm still getting to know him so I don't know if he's just laid back like this in general with everything (from what I'm seeing, I'm going to say yes) or if he's not really that into me. whats his dating history like? You didnt mention. Dated a lot? Had multiple girlfriends? Long term, short term, etc? Guys for 1 are not known for being great planners of dates. Not always true. But more often than not a girl will have no problem creating a 5 course date in 10 minutes, where as the guy will have to spend 2 days googling crap. Maybe hes just not experienced in dating or putting together dates. Not to mention, its only been 5 sofar so maybe he doesnt really know what you like? So there is an anxiety of spending time effort and money on a night out with a girl only to find out she has completely different expectations
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 whats his dating history like? You didnt mention. Dated a lot? Had multiple girlfriends? Long term, short term, etc? Guys for 1 are not known for being great planners of dates. Not always true. But more often than not a girl will have no problem creating a 5 course date in 10 minutes, where as the guy will have to spend 2 days googling crap. Maybe hes just not experienced in dating or putting together dates. Not to mention, its only been 5 sofar so maybe he doesnt really know what you like? So there is an anxiety of spending time effort and money on a night out with a girl only to find out she has completely different expectations His last serious girlfriend was 2-3 years ago. I haven't asked but I'm assuming since that it's just been short term dating. So should I still keep initiating?
basil67 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 So should I still keep initiating? If you're OK with doing all the initiating, then continue as you are. One question: If he's just not the planning type, can you accept it? I mean, you can ask him to make plans more often and he probably will for a short time. But then he will go back to being his old self. Make sure that you have in the back of your mind the fact that communication of issues doesn't necessarily result in fixing those said issues.
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I get the feeling you are someone who will always take the initiative. You want to initiate the dates, plan them, initiate talking to him about it, initiate spelling things out. He, meanwhile, sits back and lets you. You may well be ideally suited to each other if you like to be in charge and he is rather passive. If you want him to be more active, you need to sit back and let him start things rather than nudge him into it. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I get the feeling you are someone who will always take the initiative. You want to initiate the dates, plan them, initiate talking to him about it, initiate spelling things out. He, meanwhile, sits back and lets you. You may well be ideally suited to each other if you like to be in charge and he is rather passive. If you want him to be more active, you need to sit back and let him start things rather than nudge him into it. I agree. You can mention it once in a light way. Otherwise I think you will get more by "doing" or in this case "not doing" anything. Let him plan the next one. I have to say that if he's "letting" you do this he is probably either not that into you OR very passive, especially if it's happening in first five dates. So I think you need to either make peace with the fact that you are the organizer and more proactive one OR let this guy go. or at least step back and test if he's into you. Be prepared for a bit of a wait, since you have already set a pattern where you do all the planning. Lastly, how do you get dates 1-5 by being that aggressive and proactive?? Maybe you just need to be honest with yourself about who you really are. If that is just your character, not a bad thing, but just be ok with it. Some guys like this. Good luck
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 I get the feeling you are someone who will always take the initiative. You want to initiate the dates, plan them, initiate talking to him about it, initiate spelling things out. He, meanwhile, sits back and lets you. You may well be ideally suited to each other if you like to be in charge and he is rather passive. If you want him to be more active, you need to sit back and let him start things rather than nudge him into it. I am definitely a planner. I don't have too much experience with men but I guess I have mostly been the one to take the lead? At least with planning dates and such. Honestly, I don't mind. I enjoy planning, setting things up, etc. I guess in this case it's bothering me because I'm wondering if he really just isn't that into me. If he's just a passive person in general I'm OK with that. But if he's not taking initiative because he's not feeling me, then I have an issue.
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 I agree. You can mention it once in a light way. Otherwise I think you will get more by "doing" or in this case "not doing" anything. Let him plan the next one. I have to say that if he's "letting" you do this he is probably either not that into you OR very passive, especially if it's happening in first five dates. So I think you need to either make peace with the fact that you are the organizer and more proactive one OR let this guy go. or at least step back and test if he's into you. Be prepared for a bit of a wait, since you have already set a pattern where you do all the planning. Lastly, how do you get dates 1-5 by being that aggressive and proactive?? Maybe you just need to be honest with yourself about who you really are. If that is just your character, not a bad thing, but just be ok with it. Some guys like this. Good luck I don't understand. Are you saying I was being too aggressive by planning all the dates?
preraph Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Look, just stop doing that entirely and wait for him to make a move. If he waits til the last minute, tell him sorry, but you are busy but that if he'd asked a day or so ago, you'd have gone (so he knows you did want to do something). If he never does anything, you don't want to drag him around the rest of your life, right?
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Look, just stop doing that entirely and wait for him to make a move. If he waits til the last minute, tell him sorry, but you are busy but that if he'd asked a day or so ago, you'd have gone (so he knows you did want to do something). If he never does anything, you don't want to drag him around the rest of your life, right? So I shouldn't bring it up and just wait for him to do it? He's a pretty honest and direct person, as am I. I think I should bring it up.
Zahara Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 If he's just a passive person in general I'm OK with that. But if he's not taking initiative because he's not feeling me, then I have an issue. Don't be okay with that. You don't need to settle with "passive". It can get old pretty quickly. A month and you're already complaining about it. Step back and let him take the lead. Stop doing all the heavy lifting. And you don't need to tell/talk to someone about something as simple as planning dates. It's the basics of dating! If they're interested, they will. If you have to guide, coax or teach something as simple as that -- it's not a good sign.
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Don't be okay with that. You don't need to settle with "passive". It can get old pretty quickly. A month and you're already complaining about it. Step back and let him take the lead. Stop doing all the heavy lifting. And you don't need to tell/talk to someone about something as simple as planning dates. It's the basics of dating! If they're interested, they will. If you have to guide, coax or teach something as simple as that -- it's not a good sign. Yes, you're right. But again, I don't mind taking the initiative. I've been on the other end where the guy was always asking me out, making plans, etc and it got to be too much and annoying. So for now, I'm fine taking the lead. I guess my concern is that if I'm doing all the "work" for someone who is not really interested in me.
Zahara Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Yes, you're right. But again, I don't mind taking the initiative. I've been on the other end where the guy was always asking me out, making plans, etc and it got to be too much and annoying. So for now, I'm fine taking the lead. I guess my concern is that if I'm doing all the "work" for someone who is not really interested in me. It's one thing that you do not mind taking the initiative but you want the person you are dating to show some effort. Yes, go ahead and plan but find balance. There is none on his part and it's only been a month. You were on one extreme in the past and you're on another extreme now. When someone is interested in you, they'll show you. The more you lean on "I don't mind" the more you enable laziness and the sooner you become resentful. You don't want "passive" in your life. Step back and let him come to you. If he doesn't come forward, you have your answer. Maybe you keep carrying the weight because deep down you are fearful of the outcome. 1
dumbass2 Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 Let's forget about the fact he's not planning dates for a second. How is everything else? Is he affectionate? Does he communicate? Do you have to initiate everything? 1
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 Maybe you keep carrying the weight because deep down you are fearful of the outcome. Ouch. Quite possible. Let's forget about the fact he's not planning dates for a second. How is everything else? Is he affectionate? Does he communicate? Do you have to initiate everything? I am still getting to know him but we have good conversations. He really opened up to me regarding his ex-fiance. She really hurt him and I think that's still haunting him. He's definitely very guarded. Is he affectionate? Again, still getting to know how him and how he's like. We always cuddle after sex and we were cuddling on the couch watching tv last time. He's not the best texter, but he does initiate sometimes and we chat.
preraph Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 So I shouldn't bring it up and just wait for him to do it? He's a pretty honest and direct person, as am I. I think I should bring it up. My feeling is that if you have to tell him everything to do, you're still the parent. Don't you want to find out if left to his own, whether he will ever step up?
Zahara Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I am still getting to know him but we have good conversations. He really opened up to me regarding his ex-fiance. She really hurt him and I think that's still haunting him. He's definitely very guarded. Is he affectionate? Again, still getting to know how him and how he's like. We always cuddle after sex and we were cuddling on the couch watching tv last time. He's not the best texter, but he does initiate sometimes and we chat. I just realized that you've been the one to initiate all dates as well. And as you mentioned above, I don't think this is boding well for you. He's still affected by his past/ex. I have a feeling he's not fully into this because a part of him is still somewhere else. You're still getting to know him but you've already had sex with him (clouding the brain). He's not the best texter so I take that he doesn't even call you? Seems like very little effort on his part. He gets to have sex, text sometimes and have sex/cuddles. Pretty good deal. Again, step back and let him come to you. You'll have your answer -- interest. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 5, 2017 Posted March 5, 2017 I don't understand. Are you saying I was being too aggressive by planning all the dates? I don't know the right word & don't necessarily mean it with a negative connotation. I mean if you are being "forward" dates 1-5 but actually wish he was pursuing you, you have a problem on your hands (since wanting something to happen with him took precedence over HOW you want to feel cherished, etc in the relationship). By kinda pushing or moving things forward solely yourself, you are in a quandary where you don't have a good idea of his level of true interest and stuck in a role or a pattern within the relationship that you don't really want 100%. And there is the generalization but pretty true: if he was into you, he'd be pursuing you. On one hand, you may have never given him the chance (pushing it forward/trying to, yourself). On the other hand, he may be agreeing because he is passive (which is not 100% attractive to you truthfully or you wouldn't be resentful now) or lazy or not into you that much. The only real thing you can do now is pull back and see if he steps up. You can give him a small nudge by telling him verbally in a lighthearted way, but that is auxiliary to pulling back. Idk, IMO I would solve this more with action (non-action in your case) and some patience. (5 dates in is not long & guys don't like lectures). Bottom line is unless you want this "role" it's time critical to change things now. If you get a "boyfriend" but things aren't really satisfying (like you feel undervalued, or not attracted), you are really just wasting your own time. Sort it out now. One without the other is no good, i.e. a relationship that is unsatisfying is not better than no relationship. BTW, how does he treat you on the dates, in between the dates? Maybe you are picking up on a general feeling overall and pinpointing this as the problem when really it is just more of the same: such as, you trying much harder than him. And thinking that if you were not making all the effort, he would probably not step up. Is that possible?
Author CarbonCopy Posted March 5, 2017 Author Posted March 5, 2017 I don't know the right word & don't necessarily mean it with a negative connotation. I mean if you are being "forward" dates 1-5 but actually wish he was pursuing you, you have a problem on your hands (since wanting something to happen with him took precedence over HOW you want to feel cherished, etc in the relationship). By kinda pushing or moving things forward solely yourself, you are in a quandary where you don't have a good idea of his level of true interest and stuck in a role or a pattern within the relationship that you don't really want 100%. And there is the generalization but pretty true: if he was into you, he'd be pursuing you. On one hand, you may have never given him the chance (pushing it forward/trying to, yourself). On the other hand, he may be agreeing because he is passive (which is not 100% attractive to you truthfully or you wouldn't be resentful now) or lazy or not into you that much. The only real thing you can do now is pull back and see if he steps up. You can give him a small nudge by telling him verbally in a lighthearted way, but that is auxiliary to pulling back. Idk, IMO I would solve this more with action (non-action in your case) and some patience. (5 dates in is not long & guys don't like lectures). Bottom line is unless you want this "role" it's time critical to change things now. If you get a "boyfriend" but things aren't really satisfying (like you feel undervalued, or not attracted), you are really just wasting your own time. Sort it out now. One without the other is no good, i.e. a relationship that is unsatisfying is not better than no relationship. BTW, how does he treat you on the dates, in between the dates? Maybe you are picking up on a general feeling overall and pinpointing this as the problem when really it is just more of the same: such as, you trying much harder than him. And thinking that if you were not making all the effort, he would probably not step up. Is that possible? Ah, ok, I got it. Makes sense. If he is into me, I never really gave him a chance to show it by always taking the lead. So I agree that I need to back off and see what happens. If I don't hear from him at all then I have my answer -- he's just not into me. All our dates have been great except for one. Things got a little awkward but he was very apologetic and sweet afterwards. Since I'm seeing him tomorrow, how do I address this in a "lighthearted" way?
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