NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 While I was in graduate school, I was dating my now-husband long distance. Although we became engaged during my second of three years of grad school, I spent my final year of grad school having a relationship with a fellow student. I told myself that it was a last fling sort of thing. I wouldn't have broken off the engagement because my now-husband is a good man and, when I broached the subject, he broke down and pleaded. The wheels were already in motion, the reception planned and paid for. I just couldn't stop it. I married my fiancee and moved back home to his town. I believed that I could go back to being friends with my grad school lover - invited him to our wedding and made him godfather to my daughter. A week ago, my ex-lover got married. His wife learned that we had dated in grad school and refused to let him invite me to the wedding. My husband learned about my grad school involvement and doesn't want my ex-lover in my life although he wasn't surprised because he knew we were close and wasn't that upset. Here's the thing - I talk to my ex-lover almost every day and we e-mail absolutely every day. The month before his wedding, we had a physical trist and then vowed we'd eliminate the sex from our friendship. The sex has never been as good with my ex-lover as with my husband and, at the time we dated in grad school, I think there were things about him that I couldn't live with. I love my husband and children and don't think about him when I'm with them, I presume, he's comfortable with his new wife. Is it possible that I'm just pining for that pre-marriage 20 something free love time in my life? Should I cut ties with the ex-lover?
StillHurtin Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I can relate to what you are going through, however, when I was first M I never thought about my ex-lover in a way that I wanted him back or anything like that. He was my first love and I just couldn't forget about him, but I didn't want him back either. You need to break it off w/ this ex-lover of yours. It's only going to cause problems in your M. My ex-lover contacted me after I had been M about 8 years. He found my name on a HS alumni site and emailed me. I emailed back, to let him know what was going on w/ my life. Told him I was M, children, ect. We emailed and chatted almost on a daily basis. The guilt was getting to me so I told H about it and he was NOT happy. It caused problems. I told my ex-lover we could no longer email or chat as it wasn't good for my M, or his for that matter. I haven't heard from him in 5 years and it's best that way. About 3 years after we made NC my H had an A. He always accussed me of cheating but he ended up doing it. I don't know if me having contact w/ my ex-lover made him feel like he needed to beat me to the A b4 I had one w/ ex-lover, I really don't know but I know he was worried I would meet up w/ him somewhere, sometime. The weird thing about it though is that his nephew is in a SR w/ my niece so I will probably see him at the wedding if they get M. You need to make NC w/ your ex-lover. It is only going to cause problems, trust me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Lets do a cost/benefit analysis of staying with your lover: Benefit: 1. You get to relive old times, through email or while being naked and having sex (unless you are physically unable to ever see each other again I don't think that your 'no sex' rule is going to hold). Cost: 1. You have to hide what you are doing and lie about it. 2. You get to be paranoid about being caught. 3. You could both lose your families. 4. If you are in a state that isn't 'no fault' you could both be sued for monetary damages by each other's BS's for alienation of affection and criminal conversation. 5. After Dday (and you WILL get caught eventually) you will have guilt and anger. 6. Post Dday, you will be living in a nightmare - as you watch the fallout of what amounts to ripping your spouses heart out and stomping on it. It won't be pretty to deal with someone whose heart you have destroyed. 7. You get to experience the joys of triggers for years to come - yours and your spouses. 8. Your children will suffer, as your relationship with your H recovers from this blow (if he doesn't divorce you, of course). 9. You will not only have your own BS to deal with, but your ex's as well - because BS's are encouraged to 'out' the affair to the spouse of the other WS. 10. Your affair will become a known fact to be gossiped about - your children will have to hear it, everyone in the community will hear about it, and you will have fallout to deal with for years over this. 11. You get to be treated like a naughty child who needs 24/7 supervision - because your H will not let you out of his sight, and will not trust you for a LONG time. 12. Lots of money spent on marriage counseling - hours and hours of it, if not months and years. So... are the costs worth it to you? If you are willing to take those risks (and yes, you will get caught eventually) - then stay with your ex lover. If the costs are not worth it, then end all contact with your ex lover and hope that there is not already damage that you don't know about. BS's are very keen at knowing when something is up. Hopefully it isn't too late to put it behind you and begin moving forward. Get individual counseling if you have to, to figure out what it is that is missing that has gotten you to this place.
Author NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 It looks pretty simple, doesn't it. He lives 600 miles away actually. Big time lawyer in D.C., while I am a small town lawyer/mom in the Midwest. I have no reason to see him again. The e-mails will be harder because they are seemingly innocent. How's the running, the writing group I'm in, here's a funny cartoon I found etc. . . things that would be fine if we'd never been involved. But I'd probably be a better lawyer/mom if I focused on that instead of exchanging even innocent e-mails. Time to make a break. Should I tell him or just phase it out?
Debster Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 You have no respect for your husband IMO. You cheat on your fiance. You invite the OM to your wedding. You have the OM as a godfather to your child? You cheat on your husband with the same guy before his wedding. You continue regular correspondence. Neither one of you seem to value commitment or marriage. It's like you not once had your husband's feelings into consideration or his wife's feelings. It's always been about you and this OM. It sounds pretty immature and selfish.
Author NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 First of all, I thought this was the other man/other woman thread, not the people doing exactly what they should thread. Secondly, I was 600 miles from my fiance when we were engaged, he was waffling on the getting married thing, and I was friends with my ex-lover for 2 years before anything happened. I hoped that the involvement was an aberration, caused by separation and law school stress, and that we could go back to being friends. I hoped that inviting him to my wedding and making him a godparent would help re-establish a healthy friendship. But looking at what you've written, you're absolutely right. I have been incredibly selfish and immature. What I thought was some romantic fantasy was just yucky and tasteless. If I haven't gotten it right thus far, I 'm going to try now.
Author NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 I guess Bridges of Madison County was not a "how to" guide for marriage.
Debster Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 First of all, I thought this was the other man/other woman thread, not the people doing exactly what they should thread. Huh?? So were you expecting pats on the back - or advice? But looking at what you've written, you're absolutely right. I have been incredibly selfish and immature. What I thought was some romantic fantasy was just yucky and tasteless. If I haven't gotten it right thus far, I 'm going to try now. Good. Start by ending all contact with this 'friend'. Starting now. Start putting your energy into your family.
Author NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 <sigh> Already did that. It's going pretty well. I guess I wanted reinforcement of my own thoughts. The idea of being the big love of someone's life blinded me to the selfishness of my actions. If my husband and I are married for another 50 years, I think that will be a better testament to love than the cheap flattery of a man who never had to live with me.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Time to make a break. Should I tell him or just phase it out? Not just a "break." Since boundaries become hazy and non-existent even with limited contact, nothing will resolve your issues other than absolute finality. Permanent closure. If nostalgia breeds temptation and you haven't the self discipline to apply good judgment and common sense…then you must remove yourself (and your family) from harms way. I would tell your friend that you wish to put full closure on your relationship. And tell him exactly "why." This way, you don't leave any doors open and he won't attempt to contact you again wondering what happened to you. That would be the responsible 'grown-up' thing to do.
Author NiffyW Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 I have already told ex-lover that a permanent break is important to me because I want to honor my marriage and move on with my life. Mutual friends will probably still mention him from time to time although (because we all live around the country) I would never be forced to be in the same place with him. Should I banish his name from my other friendships? Is it okay if someone tells me that he has 6 kids (or whatever ) in a couple of years?
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Yet another potential down-side to fostering affairs within your same social circle. Hard to extract yourself from their orbit as well as nearly impossible to keep secrets under wrap…for long. Among mutual friends, people eventually talk. Everybody knows everybody's business, and you risk having your deeds exposed at some time in the future. Could get sticky for you unless your luck holds out…or you've mastered the art of evasiveness and deception. You see, affairs speak less about 'matters of the heart' and more about substance of character. And integrity isn't what you 'say' or don't say... but it's what you do in the dark when you think no one else is watching…
Debster Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 And integrity isn't what you 'say' or don't say... but it's what you do in the dark when you think no one else is watching… I love that statement. It is so true.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 A week ago, my ex-lover got married… The month before his wedding, we had a physical trist… Then you state: I have never physically cheated on my husband. I've come close, but I walked away and had coffee. So which is it ????
quankanne Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I guess Bridges of Madison County was not a "how to" guide for marriage. uh, no ... look, these are the realities of your situation: you're interested in staying in touch with your ex, though not necessarily for sex if you guys were friends before you were lovers. If he was merely a lover, the advice to "just walk away" would be so easy to dispense, but because of the friendship involved, it gets harder. it's not worth returning to a physical relationship with the guy because, admit it, it will never be as good as it is in your imagination. And you're not the same girl you were years ago when you were in college. Couple that with having a husband you enjoy being with emotionally and physically ... well, it just doesn't compare to boinking your ex. Simply because you're not the same girl now as you were then, and you've been around the block to find that your expectations of love and sex have changed. (If you're like me, it's the reason why you choose to stay with your husband -- for all his faults and idiosyncracies, he's the one you want to face life with, right, and nothing else really can compare?) the friendship part: that's a little bit trickier, but as time passes, your needs change and you find yourself less interested in maintaining that relationship, again because you're not the same person. I sometimes contact an old boyfriend living back home. Not for funny business (eewwwww .... just the idea that I used to do THOSE kinds of things with him gives me the creeps) but because I love his mother dearly. Now that she's in a nursing home, it's been harder to keep track of her because he (typical guy) doesn't know the name of the place or the street address, but he can tell me how to get there from the family house. If I could just do an end run around him for information, life would be ducky, but unfortunately, he's the only one I know how to get hold of to find her. I admit that other than talking to him about his mom, it's strange. I don't mind hearing about his child, who is a very, very sweet girl, but he's annoying as hell anymore. Couple that with the fact that my husband doesn't really care for me stay in touch with the guy (even though he's not said anything) makes it easier to just not seek him out anymore (I do write his mom, though, in hopes of staying in contact with her). not saying this is what you've experienced with your ex, but at some point, I imagine you're just going to start feeling less and less of a need for that relationship with him. Encourage that feeling, especially if you're wanting to "do right" by your marriage. you're not bad, you're not wrong, you're just conflicted. You know what you need to do, but you also just need the encouragement to do it. best of luck to you, quank
quankanne Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Should I banish his name from my other friendships? Is it okay if someone tells me that he has 6 kids (or whatever) in a couple of years? nah. smile, say something like "hey, that's great, I'm glad his life is going so well," then let the subject naturally die down. Because it usually does when people get the idea that he is no longer such a big deal to you!
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