Ex starting to reach out, want to see her but distance...

[Murmillo]

Hi all,

 

I was dumped by my ex one year ago.

 

This was completely my fault. I had always been complacent and despite the fact that she is an absolute perfect girl. I just was not mature enough to meet her emotional needs, took her for granted and did nothing to help our relationship forward. In the end we also became LDR and I got very depressed (found out later this was due to underlying health issues) and she started to lose feelings.

 

I responded very bad to this and pushed her away and we went from 'let's see how it goes, I hope it works out' to 'maybe in the future but probably not'. I pestered her for around 2 months and then did a month of NC and we decided to stay friends. This was stupid obviously because in a way I was still chasing her because I initiated most of the contact, trying to force a (re)connection and I think she felt this as well.

 

Around October last year I had enough of it and I decided to not contact her anymore.

 

Recently she is starting to reach out to me again. Even texted me when I did not reply to her on facebook.

 

I would really want to see her but she lives in the UK and I live in Belgium at the moment. I know her and I also know that she would never take the initiative to ask for a meet up. If we are to ever meet again I know it has to be my initiative... She NEVER takes risks.

 

The things is... I know she is super busy at the moment so I can not ask her to come here... I would be ok with flying to the UK to meet her (flights are very cheap at the moment and I would love to see the city where she lives anyway).... But I obviously do not want to tell her 'yeah I will hop on a plane just for you'.

 

She knows I travel a lot within Europe so would it maybe better to 'lie' and say something along the lines of 'Hey I will probably be in your country soon, let's meet (...)'.

 

What do you guys think? What would be the best way of telling her I would like to meet given these circumstances?

 

Thanks a lot!

[LitTunnel]

Hi all,

 

I was dumped by my ex one year ago.

 

This was completely my fault. I had always been complacent and despite the fact that she is an absolute perfect girl. I just was not mature enough to meet her emotional needs, took her for granted and did nothing to help our relationship forward. In the end we also became LDR and I got very depressed (found out later this was due to underlying health issues) and she started to lose feelings.

 

I responded very bad to this and pushed her away and we went from 'let's see how it goes, I hope it works out' to 'maybe in the future but probably not'. I pestered her for around 2 months and then did a month of NC and we decided to stay friends. This was stupid obviously because in a way I was still chasing her because I initiated most of the contact, trying to force a (re)connection and I think she felt this as well.

 

Around October last year I had enough of it and I decided to not contact her anymore.

 

Recently she is starting to reach out to me again. Even texted me when I did not reply to her on facebook.

 

I would really want to see her but she lives in the UK and I live in Belgium at the moment. I know her and I also know that she would never take the initiative to ask for a meet up. If we are to ever meet again I know it has to be my initiative... She NEVER takes risks.

 

The things is... I know she is super busy at the moment so I can not ask her to come here... I would be ok with flying to the UK to meet her (flights are very cheap at the moment and I would love to see the city where she lives anyway).... But I obviously do not want to tell her 'yeah I will hop on a plane just for you'.

 

She knows I travel a lot within Europe so would it maybe better to 'lie' and say something along the lines of 'Hey I will probably be in your country soon, let's meet (...)'.

 

What do you guys think? What would be the best way of telling her I would like to meet given these circumstances?

 

Thanks a lot!

 

If she's reaching out to you that means she's interested in you again. So congrats! If you are looking to getting back with her it is incredibly important for you to practice patience. If you move to fast and hard you'll scare her away. Build up her attraction level first by having fun banter talk. NO TALKING OF YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP!!! Keep conversations light, funny and just show her you're not the old you. Don't stay in the phone longer than 10-15min MAX!!! And make sure you hang up first. Once she starts calling you more often and I mean like one or twice a day then you know you have her on full swing. At that point she'll probably ask YOU to come and see her:)

 

Grats dude. Wish you two nothing but the best.

[marky00]

define what u mean by reaching out.

 

 

if its stuff like:

 

 

how are you?

how have you been?

I hope you are doing well?

I miss you.

I miss the things we used to do.

I feel bad about what happened.

 

 

ETC

 

 

Then, you will be disappointed when you try to re-connect.

[Murmillo]

If she's reaching out to you that means she's interested in you again. So congrats! If you are looking to getting back with her it is incredibly important for you to practice patience. If you move to fast and hard you'll scare her away. Build up her attraction level first by having fun banter talk. NO TALKING OF YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP!!! Keep conversations light, funny and just show her you're not the old you. Don't stay in the phone longer than 10-15min MAX!!! And make sure you hang up first. Once she starts calling you more often and I mean like one or twice a day then you know you have her on full swing. At that point she'll probably ask YOU to come and see her:)

 

Grats dude. Wish you two nothing but the best.

 

Wow that is some positivism you don't see here a lot! Thanks for the message.

 

define what u mean by reaching out.

 

 

if its stuff like:

 

 

how are you?

how have you been?

I hope you are doing well?

I miss you.

I miss the things we used to do.

I feel bad about what happened.

 

 

ETC

 

 

Then, you will be disappointed when you try to re-connect.

 

Why is that?

 

It is some innocent banter. How is my family, how is my job, still living in Berlin, if I did not read her previous message, why I am not on facebook so much anymore, what I am up to etc...

[elaine567]

People often want to reconnect with people they dumped for all sorts of reasons, some good, some not so good, but it is usually not because they want to get back into a relationship again and that is what you are up against here.

 

BUT faint heart never won fair lady so if a trip to the UK is no big deal for you then why not?

But don't get your hopes too far up for a reconciliation and if she seems not too keen on the idea or presents lots of excuses, then do not press it.

Bad relationships resulting in break ups, can stick in the throat for a long time, and some although quite happy to be friends, NEVER want to go back there again.

 

Good luck.

[Murmillo]

People often want to reconnect with people they dumped for all sorts of reasons, some good, some not so good, but it is usually not because they want to get back into a relationship again and that is what you are up against here.

 

BUT faint heart never won fair lady so if a trip to the UK is no big deal for you then why not?

But don't get your hopes too far up for a reconciliation and if she seems not too keen on the idea or presents lots of excuses, then do not press it.

Bad relationships resulting in break ups, can stick in the throat for a long time, and some although quite happy to be friends, NEVER want to go back there again.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for elaborating.

 

By the way my ex has never been someone to play games and she is one of the most honest people I know. I guess all is possible...

 

- She is just trying to be nice

- She just wants to see if I am still there

- She is lonely

- She wants to reconnect as friends

- She wants to reconnect as (...)

 

 

All of them are possible, I have no clue. Hell, she might even be dating someone else, no idea.

 

I guess you are right, I have nothing to lose. It is either getting rejected and never seeing her again or it is doing nothing and never seeing her again.

 

The only thing that I would like some more input on is how to frame that I want to come see her. Tell her I am in the area, tell her I want to meet... I don't know...

[marky00]

Wow that is some positivism you don't see here a lot! Thanks for the message.

 

 

 

Why is that?

 

It is some innocent banter. How is my family, how is my job, still living in Berlin, if I did not read her previous message, why I am not on facebook so much anymore, what I am up to etc...

 

 

 

Those messages are just breadcrumbs.

 

 

I have every right to not be positive. I am 2 years down the line from you. I am just being honest.

 

 

Main reasons a dumper reconnects are:

 

 

1) ease guilt.

2) ego stroke.

3/ see if a friendship is possible (they don't really want a friendship but it's nice to know that you haven't totally ruled that out).

4) see if you still hate them.

5) get a rise out of you, which can help them ease their guilt.

Edited March 4, 2017 by marky00

[marky00]

People often want to reconnect with people they dumped for all sorts of reasons, some good, some not so good, .

 

The only good reasons would be asking for a reconciliation or maybe finally giving a post-mortem of why they kicked you to the curb (in an honest and respectful way).

 

 

I'm yet to see such a thing occurring or being reported on LoveShack ever.

[marky00]

The only thing that I would like some more input on is how to frame that I want to come see her. Tell her I am in the area, tell her I want to meet... I don't know...

 

If it was me, and yes I have done this before. I was in a LDR for many years.

 

 

You have two options.

 

 

Tell her you are planning on having a holiday soon, and her country is one of the ones you are visiting. You are passing though and just giving her a heads up of when that roughly is going to be.

 

 

Other option is just rock up unannounced and call her, notifying your only there for a couple of days before you move on to the next destination.

 

 

The second option is more risky as it might make her more uncomfortable. However, it will give you the best insight as to where she is at. You will get her natural reaction because she won't be prepared.

 

 

First option, she can just ACT for a few days before you head off to the next destination.

[spiderowl]

She could just be wondering how you are and not thinking in terms of resurrecting the relationship. However, if you are really keen to try again with her - and feel you have genuinely changed - then if it does not cost you too much, why not?

 

Running a long-distance relationship is difficult at the best of times and with the best relationships, so have you thought how you would manage this if you got another chance?

 

Have you got a friend in her town you could arrange to visit? I think letting her know you are going over to visit a friend in April/May/whatever (be vague about dates), would be a way to start up a conversation about possibly meeting. If you haven't got a friend there, perhaps you could find an event or course or something nearby to give you an excuse to be there. Or, your idea of just visiting the UK for a holiday and passing through her area sounds fine to me.

 

Good luck!

[elaine567]

The only good reasons would be asking for a reconciliation or maybe finally giving a post-mortem of why they kicked you to the curb (in an honest and respectful way).

 

Not necessarily.

Not everyone hates their ex for ever and ever

Some have a genuine concern for their ex and just want to know they are OK and how they are getting along.

Not everyone has an evil agenda as regards their ex.

 

[marky00]

Not necessarily.

Not everyone hates their ex for ever and ever

 

The dumper doesn't hate.

 

 

They just don't care, it's as simple as that.

 

 

And when they try to be caring post BU, things just get way more ugly.

 

 

I have many acquaintances. I don't need another one, especially if they once kicked me to the curb.

[elaine567]

The dumper doesn't hate.

They just don't care, it's as simple as that.

Not necessarily, some dumpers care a lot but they also realise that the relationship will just not work out well, hence they initiate the break up.

 

And when they try to be caring post BU, things just get way more ugly.

 

Only if the dumpee is of the mindset to make it more ugly surely?

[marky00]

 

 

Only if the dumpee is of the mindset to make it more ugly surely?

 

No, its because the dumpers reach out due to guilt but they fail to realise that there is nothing they can do about the past.

 

 

It's just insulting to the dumpee that they even try.

 

 

If the dumper cares and respects the dumpee, they should be so fricken scared to talk to them, they should never contact them again.

[Murmillo]

Those messages are just breadcrumbs.

 

 

I have every right to not be positive. I am 2 years down the line from you. I am just being honest.

 

 

Main reasons a dumper reconnects are:

 

 

1) ease guilt.

2) ego stroke.

3/ see if a friendship is possible (they don't really want a friendship but it's nice to know that you haven't totally ruled that out).

4) see if you still hate them.

5) get a rise out of you, which can help them ease their guilt.

 

Hmm I am pretty sure I can exclude 1,2 and 5...

[Murmillo]

Well, today will be the day.

 

Any last tips?

[Murmillo]

Update:

 

We chatted a bit about what we have been up to for the past days. It seems like she is still single and very busy, just like me. I told her I will be in the country soon where she is living now and asked her to meet...Unfortunately she will be going back to her family for a while in her home country. She then asked me when I specifically wanted to come. This is still undetermined for me so I told her to get back at her

She did mention that she wants to come to the city where I live some day which I guess is a positive thing.

 

I will put the ball in her court by telling her to tell me when she is back in the UK again and when she then is available. If she does not want to make definiate plans then I will redraw the offer and go back to NC.

[Murmillo]

Update:

 

We are both not completely sure on our schedules but she seemed to be open to the idea of meeting. I guess it will happen somewhere next month. My fears of her already seeing someone else apparantly were false.

[jamili]

Good luck but if She contacted you at all and it wasnt about reconciliation specifically, and you are responding to her and exchanging "banter" than im sorry to say this looks like breadcrumbs and shes stringing you along. Why are you chitchatting with someone who dumped you? You are going to get friendzoned imo, you should not have broken NC of you wanted her back.

[Murmillo]

Good luck but if She contacted you at all and it wasnt about reconciliation specifically, and you are responding to her and exchanging "banter" than im sorry to say this looks like breadcrumbs and shes stringing you along. Why are you chitchatting with someone who dumped you? You are going to get friendzoned imo, you should not have broken NC of you wanted her back.

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Even if my ex would think about me 24/7 and reconciliation with me would be the one thing she would desire the most in life she would never tell me this directly. She is very careful in what she says and in the 3,5 years that I know her I don't recall ONE moment where she said something impulsive.

 

My ex is also not the type of person the leave breadcrumbs. A few months after the break up I asked her why she was so cold and she even told me literally 'I just don't want to give you false hope by continuing to talk like we used to'.

 

Why am I chit chatting with someone who dumped me? Because I am the one that is 100% responsible for this break up. She was the one that said the words but I forced her lips. I sabotaged this relationship despite her efforts to make it work for a long long time. I never had the feeling that she 'discarded me like trash' or something like that. She had every right to break up with me.

[jamili]

Thank you for your response.

 

Even if my ex would think about me 24/7 and reconciliation with me would be the one thing she would desire the most in life she would never tell me this directly. She is very careful in what she says and in the 3,5 years that I know her I don't recall ONE moment where she said something impulsive.

 

My ex is also not the type of person the leave breadcrumbs. A few months after the break up I asked her why she was so cold and she even told me literally 'I just don't want to give you false hope by continuing to talk like we used to'.

 

Why am I chit chatting with someone who dumped me? Because I am the one that is 100% responsible for this break up. She was the one that said the words but I forced her lips. I sabotaged this relationship despite her efforts to make it work for a long long time. I never had the feeling that she 'discarded me like trash' or something like that. She had every right to break up with me.

 

Well, just be careful. I understand what you are saying about you causing the breakup 100%. I cant relate myself, since i was in a "kicked to the curb" situation, falsely accused of lying, etc, so i wouldnt chit chat with mine without an apology. But yours seems different if you are right about that, and you know her better than us.

 

We warn becsuse 9/10 its a recurring theme on here where a dumper will send breadcrumbs to an ex, and get to talking to them, and because the dumpee is chatting with them they lose alll respect for the dumpee and see him as weak, with bad boundaries. The longer thet communicate, the more and more the attraction fades, and eventually the dumpee ends up friendzoned hard.

 

In situations like yours its usually best to get clarity to make sure you arent being strung along... but idk, it could scare her off like LitTunnel said.

 

Tread carefully. Ive never seen what you are doing end in a reconciliation, but ill cross my fingers for you

[Murmillo]

Well, just be careful. I understand what you are saying about you causing the breakup 100%. I cant relate myself, since i was in a "kicked to the curb" situation, falsely accused of lying, etc, so i wouldnt chit chat with mine without an apology. But yours seems different if you are right about that, and you know her better than us.

 

We warn becsuse 9/10 its a recurring theme on here where a dumper will send breadcrumbs to an ex, and get to talking to them, and because the dumpee is chatting with them they lose alll respect for the dumpee and see him as weak, with bad boundaries. The longer thet communicate, the more and more the attraction fades, and eventually the dumpee ends up friendzoned hard.

 

In situations like yours its usually best to get clarity to make sure you arent being strung along... but idk, it could scare her off like LitTunnel said.

 

Tread carefully. Ive never seen what you are doing end in a reconciliation, but ill cross my fingers for you

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation...

 

I am aware that I am far, very very far away from a reconciliation.

 

The topic of reconciliation has obviously been a big topic of interest during this last year of my life, and if there is one thing that I have learned is that there is no one size fits all rule on how to reconcile with an ex.

 

There seem to be a few groups of reconciliations based upon how long the time apart was.

1) Short term reconciliations

These break ups usually only last for a few days, weeks, months. Usually the dumper comes back to the dumpee just because of the familiarity, the single life was not what they expected to be, 'the other guy/women' turned out to be an A-hole etc.

Pros: reconnecting only takes a short time

Cons: issues that led to the break up are often not resolved

 

- This one was absolutely not going to happen for me because for the first 3 months I made every post break up mistake in the book imaginable and the familiarity was already gone for a great part because of physical distance

2) Long term reconciliations

Happen if exes stayed in touch with only short periods of NC, or if they (after a very long time) run into each other and sparks fly again. Recociliation happens because two parties never really stopped loving each other and both are convinced that they are the best option for each other or because they just fall in love with each other again, as two new people.

Pros: both parties had time to work on their own issues, have grown as individuals, potential break up resentments have faded.

Cons: every month that passes could also mean that it is not just the bad memories that fade...

 

- Since me and my ex are not going to run into each other, staying in LC with her was my only option...

 

We broke up in february of 2016 and I pestered her till April. Then came a month of NC and then I sent her a letter to clear the air a bit which seemed to work. Around may/june I started talking to her again but I was trying too hard to force a (re)connection which I noticed pusher her away. Around semtember we got into a small argument (when I got the 'I don't want to give you false hope speach'), and after that I was done... Done with the hurt, done with her lack of initiative, and done with my lack of moving on.

 

I never reached out to her anymore after that. Two months later she started to reach out bit by bit (one a month max) and I noticed that she did more her best to keep the conversation going... Even texted me if everything was ok when I did not respond to her on messenger. When she said she wanted to visit the city where I am living in at the moment when she has time, it felt like a sign for me to slowly also increase my initiative a bit more again, and that is why I asked her to meet.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Murmillo