Reflecting on an old relationship, and not realizing how toxic it really was

[xplosiv]

Hi guys,

 

so I don't really visit this forum all too often, in fact last time I came was over a year ago to express my happiness at how far over the breakup that brought me here was. Quick rundown - I got broken up with, for an unknown reason (GIGS maybe, if you believe in that), and after being distraught for almost a year I finally got over it.

 

I am happy to say that over the past year or so, I have realized that it was a relationship that was going to hold me back forever, if it didn't end already. I was so trapped in a box of being a certain way around my ex-girlfriend, that I thought that was who I was. I had no real direction for myself, and I think that is partially why the breakup happened. Of course, she had to "find herself" too, which really meant getting a rebound guy which just cut me even deeper. But now I couldn't be happier, my life is really going great. I started a business, got in shape, and got extremely passionate about something which has completely changed my outlook on life.

 

I read an interesting article the other day about how hormones like oxytocin and serotonin play a role in this attachment, and how severing a social tie can be devastating. We are literally fighting our own instincts at the time!

 

So someone who has gone through this process knows that you come out feeling 10x better, especially if you get proactive about your putting yourself first. It's safe to say, that I am almost at the point where I am ready to start dating again. Its been a long time, and I've met some great people along the way, but it's all been so worth it. Just wanted to put this out there

Edited March 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Telemachus]

Thanks for posting a positve reflection on something that you've come to see differently from your initial view of the end of that relationship.

 

I hadn't thought of it as being that long, but after reading your posting I realize that it really did take me about a year to pick myself up and completely move forward after the end of my first marriage.

 

My good wishes to you on a bold and brilliant future. She really did you a favor by moving on, giving you a chance for a new and better start. I meant my marriage vows and wouldn't have left or told her to leave, but the relationship was not a good one, and she had the strength to end it, much to my eventual benefit.

[duncsvoice]

Really great to hear. I'm just over a year out of a toxic, abusive relationship and I couldn't be happier

 

The scars are still there. I unfortunately had an out of the blue run in with my ex this weekend which rattled me, so the scars are there and run deep, but when I think about how much happier I am now I'm out of it, all I can do is smile.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[Mr_Fox]

Xplosiv - Good for you. Move onwards and upwards.

 

Life is for living, so don't let it pass you by!

[preraph]

This is the outcome we all need from a bad breakup, to learn a lesson that makes us smarter and stronger. I personally don't believe the oxytocin thing. I think it's more complex psychological need facts at work.

[Redhead14]

Everything we experience in life should be a learning experience - the good, the bad and the ugly

 

There is a saying that people use when times have been bad: "This too shall pass" and as negative as this may sound . . . that statement applies to when things have been good. My point is, that there is an ebb and flow to life. Expect it and accept. People need to enjoy what they have when they have it and when they aren't enjoying what they have, they should leave it behind, learn from it and turn it into a positive. Holly Go Lightly that I am -- The bad times have helped me appreciate the good times.

[missnaive]

I too had a toxic relationship for 2 years with someone that was super selfish and mentally abusive to me. Now I am trying to stay his friend at a distance. i don't like to have enemies as this can take a lot of energy (ignoring calls, blocking them, avoiding them etc.) I am truly happy as well and I have even found a new love after I picked up and moved to start over. He treats me like a queen and I am also more into the hobbies that make me happy. Self reflection does wonders!