mtp Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 My ex bf and I were really close friends for a while before we started dating. I was hesitant about starting a relationship at first bc we were about to go study abroad in different countries for 2 months, but he pushed for it saying that we'd make it work. And we did, but I think my initial reluctance & the fact that I don't show a lot of affection made him insecure because he often asked me where the relationship was going, what he meant to me, etc. Then after 8 months he wanted a break bc he felt like his feelings were one-sided, I only saw him as a friend, maybe we wanted different things in a relationship & some time apart would be good. I agreed but decided after 2 weeks that an indefinite break could get too messy, so we broke up. He pushed for us to remain friends like before (he hoped that we could hang out & he could come over to my place bc he still enjoyed my company). But then 1 week later he said to cut contact. So I deleted him from all my social media shortly after, also partly because we have A LOT of mutual friends so he kept popping up & I needed space. 1 month later, we bumped into each other at a mutual friend's party. I knew that he was watching me throughout the night but pretended not to see because I wasn't ready to face him yet. At the end of the night, he kept calling my name to get my attention even when I tried to ignore him to make sure I had a safe ride home. Which I honestly didn't expect since I thought he wanted nothing to do w/ me. 2 more months passed & now we see each other every week because we're part of an event planning committee. I broke the silence first after one meeting. We grabbed dinner, caught up, joked around, teased each other just like old times. He even video snapchat us (lots of our mutual friends knew about us & called the relationship way before we started dating & no one expected us to break up, so the snapchat was somewhat of a statement. Some friends even texted me when they saw the snapchat). Anyway, he was still emotionally open & unguarded with me the whole time. I told him that i was planning a trip to Asia & he said to reach out to him if I had questions because he did it before. Then we ran into some of my friends & hung out w/ them for a while & he made it obvious to them that we had a history. When he dropped me off, he told me it was nice talking to me again, asked if I were doing ok (I told him yes), and said that we should catch up again, I got nervous & just said "uh" so he backpedaled & said "oh maybe not". But I felt bad so I fb messaged him 2 weeks later to see if we could meet up & cause i had questions about the trip but he didn't reply. But then at the next meeting a week later, he came up to me & asked how the trip planning was & talked to me about it. I'm confused. Like he wanted to cut contact but then showed he still cared then showed off to our friends that we were close/on good terms but ignored my msgs but talked to me in person. My friends tell me to let him initiate so I don't seem needy/clingy. But I feel like I upset/hurt him a lot in our relationship so I should reach out first to make peace. I want to give the relationship a second chance because I think the connection is still there, and I think I'll be able to express my feelings & affection better this time around. I'm just scared that he's not interested or doesn't care.
springy Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 For 8 months he says you didn't show him any affection and the relationship was one-sided. Why do you think this was the case? Maybe it's true that you only see him as a friend? Why do you want him back?
basil67 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Ummm...he's not putting out mixed messages. You are putting out mixed messages and he's reacting in a completely understandable way. If I were in his shoes, I would only be seeing that you're still keeping him at arm's length. You were the one who didn't show affection when you were together. You pretended not to see him at the party. When you contacted him about Asie, it was only to pick his brain for information. When he suggested you catch up again, you said "uh". If you want another chance, you need to kick yourself up the rear end and learn what it is to put yourself out there. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 its hard to"just" put yourself otu there....especially if you have a fear of rejection...i do .....and i still put myself out there....and it takes a lot of self analysis for me to do it....i am bold when i dont feel like it...when my insides are shaking and i feel liek i want to pass out...i just stand up straighter.....if i am going to fall i might as well fall hard......being vulnerable si the most courageous thing a person can do ...is allow vulnerability to be seen and felt.....cant be forgotten easily by either person..... you need to be that vulnerable if you truly care for him......you have to show him it isnt one sided or let him be......love is a risk for anyone....take that risk....jumping ...is scary...not jumping so much worse.....be honest and open and then most of the time...they allow themselves to be vulnerable back....they dont let you jump on your own not if they truly care for you........good luck.....no mixed messages no uhs...be open...be honest......deb.
Author mtp Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 I grew up in a environment where displays of affections or compliments were rare. My parents used subtle ways to show that they cared, so I'm not used to being so upfront about my affection. And like todreaminblue said, it makes me feel a little vulnerable. But it's something that I've been working on. I'm usually a pretty confident person, just not when it comes to romantic relationships. I ignored him at the party because it hurt me a lot when he wanted to cut contacts & stop talking, so by actively ignoring him I felt like I was more in control of the situation. Like if I don't try to talk to him, I would have no expectations & wouldn't have to worry about him not responding. Even now I'm still scared to approach him because I'm scared that he'd tell me to stop talking to him again.
basil67 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) I grew up in a environment where displays of affections or compliments were rare. My parents used subtle ways to show that they cared, so I'm not used to being so upfront about my affection. And like todreaminblue said, it makes me feel a little vulnerable. But it's something that I've been working on. I'm usually a pretty confident person, just not when it comes to romantic relationships. I ignored him at the party because it hurt me a lot when he wanted to cut contacts & stop talking, so by actively ignoring him I felt like I was more in control of the situation. Like if I don't try to talk to him, I would have no expectations & wouldn't have to worry about him not responding. Even now I'm still scared to approach him because I'm scared that he'd tell me to stop talking to him again. So, tell this to your ex. He only sees your mixed messages - and if you want him back, you need to fix it. Edited March 4, 2017 by basil67
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