LostOnWhatIsWrong Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Hi all, Thanks for being such an amazing community. I spent around half an hour just reading topics to see what kind of behavior/commenting I should expect before committing to an account. So, long story short about 8 months ago I met this really cool chick and we hung out for a few weeks before I hooking up in the back of her vehicle. We continued to perform oral on each other for a few weeks before she 'gave it up'. Soon after, I was spending practically every night with her. Learned lots about her past including relationships - all purely FWB with no actual value. Some one night stands, some short term flings, etc. but nothing lasting. She was in a 3some in middle school, I'm assuming hooked up throughout HS, had a 'teacher' a decade older than her while still in HS, etc. Claims she never liked the sex and that guys used her so she 'built up walls'. Obviously, upon learning all of that I was insulted because it took months to have sex with her. More importantly, despite me asking her not to be treated differently from the get-go, I was. About 4 months in, she told her best friend she wouldn't have sex with me until I 'committed' to be exclusive BF/GF. Which explained what seemed to be a 2+ week drought before that and was clearly manipulative. Whenever we do hookup, it's basically me pestering her to do it because she won't initiate, ever. The only time I recall her initiating was right after our first hookup where she sent nudes and invited me to her place. That's it. And that was during the 'oral only' phase. She tells me all the time she doesn't care whether she ever has sex again, that she could go without it for the rest of her life, and that makes me feel like crap obviously. Because, about a week ago I found out that during her sexually charged youth, she was not only driving to other guys' place (and back home drunk sometimes) but she used Plan B on multiple occasions, yet when I asked her to use it she told me point blank she'd never use it again. Obviously, it wasn't a chemical reaction as she used them repeatedly... At the same time, a few weeks ago she broke down crying because she thought I was breaking up with her. And while I know the main reason is because I'm the "first guy to see her for who she is", I also know she couldn't sustain herself financially alone and would have to move back in with a parent or roommate. And she even said so after calming down "I was thinking, where am I going to live?"... Other than that, she's an amazing girlfriend who does everything and more to make me feel cherished. All her family and friends love me, she makes memories of the good times, she forgives almost instantly for some pretty brutal behavior (on VERY few occasions), etc. But I can't get over the fact that "she doesn't like sex and never has" yet was sneaking out of the home during HS to go to boys' homes, getting wasted at parties and hooking up, etc. Am I just a chump who's dealing with damaged goods?
preraph Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 She probably knew something was going on with her and was exploring to find out if it was her or if there was a guy with whom she would enjoy sex. She may be lesbian, she may have some abuse in her background. I'm going with the latter, just guessing. If I were in a conversation with her, I'd ask her if she can get herself off and if she does get herself off. If so, she can enjoy sex and something is preventing her from enjoying it with a partner. She probably did the "waiting" thing with you because people probably told her after she ran through all those that she needed to start not doing it right away. However, it is completely silly to not count oral as sex. Completely deluded. It's more intimate than actual intercourse is. 1
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 She was searching for love and attention, and she finally realised that those guys were just after sex and did not love her. Now she has love and attention, she doesn't need the sex. Probably neglected or abused as a child. 5
Author LostOnWhatIsWrong Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) If I were in a conversation with her, I'd ask her if she can get herself off and if she does get herself off. If so, she can enjoy sex and something is preventing her from enjoying it with a partner. She has absolutely ZERO desire to masturbate, too. Said she used to when she was younger, but not anymore. She was searching for love and attention, and she finally realised that those guys were just after sex and did not love her. Now she has love and attention, she doesn't need the sex. Probably neglected or abused as a child. She was neglected greatly as a child. Parents fought and threatened divorce around all major holidays, dad was constantly paranoid mom was cheating and took the kids to 'stake outs', mother sometimes behaves like the daughter and she's the grown up, etc. Why does she not need the sex, though? EDIT: She also constantly puts her self down physically (body image issues) and wants nothing more than implants. Edited March 3, 2017 by LostOnWhatIsWrong
spiderowl Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 It sounds like she was looking for affection in the past and got sex and basically used a lot of the time. When she met you, it seems you were expecting lots of sex from her too and she wants it to be more than that. I can see your frustration and that you feel it is unfair as she was liberal with others. Are you treating her as a girlfriend or as someone you basically just want to hook up with? Something to think about perhaps. She sounds confused and unhappy. She probably needs therapy of some kind to help her to find the kind of life she needs - whatever that is.
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I think she has fear of abandonment/ getting too attached. That's why she won't let herself get emotionally close though sex. She even said she puts up walls. Hopefully you will find a way to get her into some counseling to sort herself out.
VeveCakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You are sexually incompatible. There is no point in continuing this relationship as you will never be sexually satisfied. She wants to stay with you so she has a place to live. Is that what you want from a gf? 3
preraph Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 She has absolutely ZERO desire to masturbate, too. Said she used to when she was younger, but not anymore. She was neglected greatly as a child. Parents fought and threatened divorce around all major holidays, dad was constantly paranoid mom was cheating and took the kids to 'stake outs', mother sometimes behaves like the daughter and she's the grown up, etc. Why does she not need the sex, though? EDIT: She also constantly puts her self down physically (body image issues) and wants nothing more than implants. Well, she just has a bunch of problems and intimacy is one of them. Not everyone "needs" sex. Most women I know love sex, but if they are between guys, it's not an urgent need, and they can and do take care of it themselves. It's probably some childhood abuse, but of course it could be hormone deficit. These are all things she can go to doctors and find out, like going to the gyn and asking for a hormone panel. I hope she's not on some meds that made her lose her sex drive. Seems like she'd have mentioned that. You can't hope for her to like sex with you if she doesn't like it with herself. Most women get off best just doing it to themselves anyway. Even if she went to therapy because of abuse, there's no guarantee her sex drive would come back. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You are sexually incompatible. There is no point in continuing this relationship as you will never be sexually satisfied. She wants to stay with you so she has a place to live. Is that what you want from a gf? OP, she has some issues that she needs to work out. You will only become frustrated after a while and likely seek someone who is more pro-active and accepting of your sexual appetite.
Author LostOnWhatIsWrong Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 And I realize I'm probably trying to rationalize incompatibilities, but outside of the sex she meets literally all criteria. As an aspiring bodybuilder - and all that comes with it "supplementation" wise - I have nightmares often and she nurtures me. She hates, but accepts, the decisions I make in that regard. She frequently spoils me with gifts, she teaches me etiquette as my childhood has more trauma than could be mentioned in one day, she cleans the house, introduces me to new people/things, etc. Sometimes, when we're having sex she IS open-minded to trying new things (I bought a Rabbit, a butt plug, etc) and will request to try them, but it's far and few between. As for orgasms, she definitely cums repeatedly from oral as she's soaked bed sheets, the living room carpet, the bathroom floor, etc. Like, I joke with her that I'd love to take it all in a water bottle to work amount...no joke. It's just that her drive is absolutely null. She was on BC before but isn't in the past...year or so when her parent took her off health insurance. I believe it was YAZ or whatever which has been shown to cause cancer I think. But coming off it, could that have messed with her hormones to the point her drive is (almost) nill?
bluefeather Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Am I just a chump who's dealing with damaged goods? Well, I definitely think you're a chump. If she's damaged goods, you're taking advantage of it.
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) Time to get this girl to counselling. She does NOT have a healthy attitude toward sex and/or relationships. She has clearly had some sexual experiences that have caused some harm... whether she was trying to find attention/attachment/love through sex or whether she was hypersexual because she has suffered some form of abuse - something is not right. It is not normal to have a threesome in middle school... And, since when does sending nude pictures of yourself mean a woman is "initiating" sex. I mean, no disrespect to women in healthy committed relationships who chose to send a photo to her partner but this is messed up... Edited March 4, 2017 by BaileyB
act00 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 This woman has a bizarre sexual history and she feels used. It seems like sex got her accepted into groups as a "friend," and got her attention and "love." Even in your early stages of dating, it was all about the sex, though oral, she did attempt a boundary. It seems to me, she really cares about you, but her history has put up some barriers in the sex arena. My thought is she needs to seek counselling and work through whatever her issues are and what put her in the position of seeking and participating in sexual acts in the manner she has. A threesome in middle school? That's some crazy. The issue goes deeper than sex. Something happened. I suspect that if she works through her personal demons with some therapy, possibly meds, she can work her way to a good, healthy sexual attitude and enjoy it. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing if this will be with you, or if you will be able to stay the long haul. I don't think it's an issue of not liking sex with YOU. She just doesn't like sex at all. It seems like it's a tool she uses when she needs to, and this is a purely subconscious act.
RecentChange Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) who's dealing with damaged goods? To put it bluntly. Yes. She sounds quite damaged. She had a troubled youth, has made many bad choices, and now she is the result of those. This is a "fixer project" but you can't fix her, she has to want that for herself and go through the hard work and anguish addressing all of these issues will take. Two things I want to point out though. Plan B is no walk in the park. It's EMERGENCY contraceptive for a reason. I (knock on wood) have never had to take it, but from the women who I have talked to that have, it sounds pretty damn miserable. WHY did you ask her to take it? Are you having unprotected sex? Dude, is this really someone you want to be tied to for the next 18 years? Also, she forgave you for some "pretty brutal treatment" - what? Am I reading through the lines that you take steroids, and she has to put up with the side affects? Including the occasional roid rage? This sounds unhealthy all around. She isn't healthy. Her history and her current state make it near impossible for her to actually have a healthy relationship - and I question your judgement as well. Cut your losses. Hopefully she will get help. This sounds like a bad situation all around. Edited March 4, 2017 by RecentChange 2
basil67 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I agree that your girlfriend needs therapy. But just a couple of points on your own attitude here... I really don't think it's wise to be on the juice and subjecting an already damaged individual to the resulting behaviours you're experiencing. Why not do your body building clean? And it's NOT manipulative for her to want to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship before having sex. It's actually a very sensible decision for a person who wants to avoid being yet again used and discarded. I'm glad that she's learned this. 3
Lorenza Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 Posters: "So your girlfriend might be needing therapy due to her traumatic childhood and teenage years" OP: "But...what about sex?" It's ok to want a fulfilling relationship, OP, but you got to start treating her a bit more like a human being. You got to know about her troublesome years in HS and the only concern it woke in you was "Why can't I get sex from her just as easily?". Have you thought what those experiences could have done to a young girl's self-esteem? Break up with her if you're unhappy, but if you stay then stop objectifying her and give some emotional support. She clearly needs help. 2
CptInsano Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I agree on the need for professional help, and it is great that the OP is giving her a place to stay. As far as emotional support is concerned, I think the OP would be way over his head, in fact he is already in way over his head. Whether she lives at his place is one thing. But the OP seems just way beyond what he can handle from an emotional perspective. I've tried to "fix somebody" once, it's near impossible and a relationship does not necessarily help. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't support somebody, but certain things just need to be sorted out before an attempt at a relationship.
mikeylo Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I don't even like the term ' damaged goods ' ! Duh Everyone has issues. Some more , some less. People are not ' goods ' Duh 3
CptInsano Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I don't even like the term ' damaged goods ' ! Duh Everyone has issues. Some more , some less. People are not ' goods ' Duh I don't like the term either. But at the end of the day you have to evaluate if a relationship is possible. I have recently dated a woman who had some serious issues in the past. At first it seemed like she was over it, and me just knowing her sensibilities was sufficient. I was happy because she was a great person, and seemed very self-aware. But then things started to slide, and her anxieties took over. It was painful to see her becoming a recluse again. Yet I had no illusion that I was able to address in a relationship what years of therapy couldn't resolve. In other terms, everybody has issues, and so do I. But I don't need a relationship to control them or deal with them. 1
Popsicle Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I think you both need help and you both are partly at fault here. 2
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