What do you think really happened?

[monolithic]

I apologize for the long post. This is a strange one…

 

I'm 45 - single dad of a 5-year old boy. Was dating a 39-year old divorced single-mom or an 11-year old boy. She had been divorced or around 5 years. Her ex lives in a different state and she has her son 100% of the time.

 

We were dating for almost 4 months and it had it's ups and downs. A few things of note:

 

1. She invited me over to her place all of the time and I would stay all night all of the time, but I she didn't want her 11-year old to know that I slept in her bed, so we would always get up before he did, I'd get ready for work, leave, etc.

 

2. Her son slept in her bed on the weekends. So when she invited me over on the weekend, I did not spend the night but would leave late or whatever.

 

3. We split up 2-3 times. The last time she said she wanted to take this slow this time around. Didn't want to call it a relationship, just wanted to take it day by day. Wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, wasn't dating anyone else, didn't want to, but just wanted to go slow. I agreed.

 

4. We'd hang out 1-2 times a week and about 90% of the time it was me coming to her house, hanging out with her and her son, going to dinner, etc.

 

5. We were in a romantic, sexual relationship and intimacy was constant.

 

6. She talks to a "Life Coach" every Sunday on the phone and takes this woman's advice seriously.

 

About two weeks ago we had a date night, her parent's watched her son, she came over to my place, we went shopping, she wanted me to pick out clothes for her that I liked on her, which I did. She was excited, smiling, beaming, affectionate, etc. We went to a bar afterwards and had drinks for several hours, she was kissing me, affectionate, taking selfies of us and wanting me to take them as well, leaning on me all night, etc. We went back to my place, she stayed all night, we had sex that night and the following morning and everything seemed as good as it had been with her and I.

 

Over the next few days though, (we talked / texted every day), there were several occasions where she would text me and ask me if everything was ok. I found it odd because there was absolutely nothing different in my behavior to make her think that. I asked her why she had asked me that several times and she said she just wanted to make sure everything was ok between us. I assured her it was. She said good because everything was ok on her end as well. But it felt weird - almost like she was asking me that because she had a guilty conscience of something and was afraid I might have found out or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions there.

 

Anyway, the Tuesday after our Saturday date night, she asked me to come over. I did and she and I and her son hung out, had fun, we watched TV. She put him to bed and was laying on me while we were watching TV. She was tired so we went to bed. No sex, but she was affectionate and cuddling me all night.

 

The next morning seemed fine, she asked me if I wanted coffee and she made me coffee, I got ready for work, kissed her and left.

 

But during that week I noticed that texting from her during the day was less frequent and replies from her would day longer. Same thing during the evening. I felt distance between us from her end. Finally I asked her around Thursday if everything was ok and she said yes. I mentioned that we didn't seem to be talking much. She said she hadn't realized it. I asked her what her weekend plans were and she said "You know me, I'm always last-minute. i don't have any plans." I asked if she wanted to hang out on Saturday and she said yes immediately. Fast-forward to Saturday and we were going to go to a restaurant that had an arcade and bar in it that was kid-friendly. As the evening approached she said to me "About tonight - are you going to be ok with coming over and hanging out and then leaving afterward? You know <her son> sleeps with me on the weekends." and that put me off guard. I had assumed that because of the wonderful weekend and date night we had and her asking me to pick out clothes for her that I liked and her worrying about if our relationship was ok, that she was wanting to progress forward. So when she mentioned me not staying the night, it threw me for a loop. Also, since we only see each other once or twice a week, we only have few chances for intimacy. It felt frustrated. I said to her in the past that hanging out once a week was ok at first but it wouldn't be enough down the road. She had agreed. So when she mentioned me not staying that night I said "You know what, let's just hang out again on a night I can stay over. That's a lot of driving for me at night." (She lives 30 minute drive away). She responded with "ok" and I didn't hear from her for several hours. Around 7 I texted to see what she was doing and said I had a change of heart and wanted to hang out with them. She made a comment about "I thought you didn't want to hang out unless you could spend the night?" I told her I changed my mind and that I enjoyed out time together and was just frustrated. So she had me meet her and her son at the bar / arcade. I arrived, she said hi and then didn't make eye contact with me for like 7 minutes while standing in line waiting to be seated (it was packed). Finally I made a comment to her about it and she seemed to loosen up. The evening was uneventful but you could tell she was distant. However as we were walking out, she told her son to go ahead to the car and she stood there for a second hugged me, kissed me and told me she'd text me as soon as she got home. I said ok. She texted me that she got home ok and that she was going to bed. I said ok - it was good seeing you, I missed you. She said "I missed you too." I said "Promise?" and she said "Why does it have to be a promise?" and I said "What do you ask me when I would say that?" and she said "I guess I've asked you that before." or something close to that. I said Ok, goodnight. She said goodnight.

 

Normally she texts me by 10 am every morning or vice versa. We take turns. Well I didn't hear from her that Sunday morning so I texted and it was kind of odd. I could tell she was distant. I asked her if we could hang out later that day (Sunday) and she said she had a lot of work to do, but to be honest it was more about she was having doubts about our relationship. It floored me. We had an incredible date night a week before and she was asking me if everything was ok, because she wanted to make sure things were ok between us, etc. Now she's saying she doesn't think the relationship has a future and she can't see a future with me.

 

I was floored. We talked about it on Facetime and she said she didn't like the feeling when she mentioned I wouldn't be able to stay all night that Saturday and how I reacted. (Which all I said was "Let's just wait for a night that I can stay over.")

 

So I asked her how why she was texting me the previous week after date night wanting to make sure everything was ok with us, if she had been having doubts about our relationship and future. Her reply was "Because you didn't seem to be talking as much and that wasn't like you." Which didn't really answer my question. Why would she care if I wasn't talking as much if she was already having doubts about us?

 

I also asked her about Date Night, the selfies, her buying clothes that I told her I liked, etc. She said "having fun with someone and going out with someone and wanting to work towards are future with them are two different things." She said she didn't feel any pressure that weekend and was having fun. She said that later in the week when I mentioned working towards a relationship, it made her realize she didn't see a future with me and she didn't see herself wanting to work towards are relationship with me.

 

I was floored. When I asked her specifics she said "you're trying to figure this out logically and I can't tell you because it's just the way I feel." I asked her if there was someone else or if she liked someone or wasn't sure if she liked someone or wanted to get to know someone and she said there is literally nothing like that at all. i just don't see a future with you or a relationship that would lead to marriage. She never gave me specifics.

 

She had done something similar in the past but I had waited a week and texted her and she had wanted to hang out again. This time I only waited a couple of days and texted her again to see if she had a change of heart and she said she did not. She felt it was the right thing to do.

 

That was yesterday.

 

What do you think really happened? Was she just wanting "someone" because she was lonely? Do you think there was someone else?

 

I mean the Date Night weekend was PERFECT and she kept texting me the following week wanting to make sure everything was ok between us. I don't understand this at all.

 

Thoughts? Advice?

[VeveCakes]

It sounds like she is moping because she didn't get her way initially. So she is her way or the highway?

 

Immature response on her part. She is saying she isn't interested in anything serious with you. I would just cut your losses and avoid the games...tell her you wish her the best and go NC.

[preraph]

I think she has been able to tell you were tense for some time now and that's why she kept asking if everything was okay. You know, just because you don't say something doesn't mean people can't see it all over your face and feel your energy. Something has been off for awhile.

 

You're focused on how many sex opportunities you have a week. She's focused on raising her kid and just having a fun light time with no pressure.

 

You are not a match.

[monolithic]

I was absolutely not tense at all following the Date Night weekend. I was very happy because it was such a great night and I felt things were starting to progress. She seemed very, very happy as well. There was nothing coming from my end that would cause her to ask me those questions. Like I said, I was happy, texting her as always, etc. Also, if she had been feeling like there was no future for us, why would she say "I just wanted to make sure everything was ok with us." and when I replied back "Everything is fine honey, I promise." She said "Good, everything is fine on my end too."

 

As for the love life - yes, I was frustrated that since we had limited opportunities to see each other, our intimacy suffered. But I didn't bring that up. We had a talk about it once a couple of weeks before and that was it. It was a good talk.

 

None of this makes sense to me.

[enddeck]

I think she is all over the place emotionally and is overthinking every single aspect of your relationship.I don't see any immediate future for you with her,maybe in a few years if you wait long enough.It would be impossible to put up with her long term as things stand,she twists everything and believes the worst.Also an eleven year old boy should not be sleeping with his mother,he will soon be entering puberty and this will cause problems for any man involved with her.

[smackie9]

My money is on that life coach. Probably telling her to be more independent, or she can do better things with her life rather than being tied down, possibly explore more options.

[spiderowl]

I think she wasn't as invested as you but was having fun. When you were displeased at not being able to stay overnight (quite understandably), she probably thought you were only interested in sex and did not care about her family situation. When you enquired about a future with her, she probably saw that as pressure too. You were in a lose-lose situation really because you were bound to want more and she was keeping things as they were or managing your expectations down.

 

It could be that she doesn't feel the same about you as you do for her, but it could also be that she felt things were getting too intense and feeling pressured and so is backing off sharply. I would tell her that you like her a lot but are not going to pressure her. Let her know that as she is not comfortable with the way things are, you can't just wait around and perhaps it is best you are both free to see others. Then leave her to think about it. She may miss you a lot and start to be more positive about the relationship. However, I would not want to give you false hope because it could easily go the other way.

Edited March 4, 2017 by spiderowl

[OatsAndHall]

It sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants out of a relationship a this point... The points of contention that you described don't show any major breakdowns in communication, irrationality or red flags that would have driven her off. They seem fairly common and minor, as a matter of fact.

 

IMO, people really need to know what they're looking for when they start dating, especially when you hit your mid to late thirties. Some folks are looking to date, have fun and enjoy companionship and there is nothing wrong with that. However, people that are middle aged are probably looking for a committed relationship that is going somewhere. It sounds she has gotten herself in an exclusive relationship but now doesn't know if she's actually looking for a commitment or simply companionship.

 

I would just give her time and space and then try to sort things out. Ask her if she still feels like the relationship has no future. If she says yes or can't can you a straight answer, then it's time to move on.

[Poutrew]

That 'life coach' represents a third party in your relationship. Just like a sports team, she gets her running orders from the coach, who probably poisoned her view of you , for whatever reason. Seriously, you can't win with this one - you are being double teamed. I'd just cheerfully thank her for the fun times up till now, and then go on my merry way. This girl isn't for you. Next time find someone who likes being independent.

[monolithic]

I truly appreciate all of the responses.

 

The one thing that doesn't make sense to me is the seemingly quick turn-about in regards to her feelings.

 

As I mentioned, after the great weekend, she was texting me wanting to make sure our relationship was ok and said everything was ok with us on her end.

 

Then a week later she's saying she doesn't see a future with me, doesn't see her ever changing her mind about wanting to work towards a future with me, etc.

 

I don't understand the hot and cold. Why would you be texting someone wanting to make sure everything was ok with "us" if you were having feelings of not seeing a future with them?

 

What could that possibly be?

 

I will state that the last time she broke up with me (this was about a month ago), she said something similar "My mind is made up and I'm not going to change it." I then texted her a week later and we started dating again. When I referred back to her statement of "my mind is made up and i'm not changing it" she sheepishly smiled and said "It was then. That's how I felt then."

[act00]

It may be time to consider this one a bust.

 

My personal timeline is that somewhere around three months of dating is when you hit the reality of whether or not this is something that can move forward.

 

When you first start dating, everything is fun and hot and exciting, and everyone is on their best behavior. No one farts. As you get to know each other, the barriers come down and people's "true selves" emerge, life drama, personality clashes, etc. Things start to get real. People fart.

 

This is when some people cut bait and some people think, "I'd like to see where this goes," and of course some people hit it off so well, they blow through this phase without even noticing.

 

I think you (and she) are in this phase, and she's not really sure what she wants, and I think you have some reservations as well. You've hit a very natural milestone of dating.

 

You don't really mention your child at all. It seems your child isn't really part of the picture?

[Purepony]

Stop over analyzing the same question over and over

 

This is pretty much done!

I'd say move on but if you want to save face just disappear , don't text her don't call her and ignore her calls...

 

That's what I would do because there's no sense in playing games with her

[monolithic]

I have my 5-year old son 50/50. We've done things as a 4-some on a few occasions. My little one is very energetic and she made a comment one time about dating someone with a child that young. She said "It's not insurmountable, but it's just not something I'm used to."

 

She liked me son.

 

However, it had been a couple of weeks since she last was around him and there was nothing related to my son in any recent conversation or this discussion.

 

Again, totally at a loss.

[GoldSparkz]

You said "we only have few chances for intimacy. It felt frustrated". You also said "Which all I said was "Let's just wait for a night that I can stay over.""

 

 

Could it be that the real reason you are frustrated is due to the lack of sex? I suspect that things were going fine up to the point where she didn't let you sleep over because her son was sleeping in her bed that weekend and then you got frustrated. You practically told her that you only wanted to see her if you could sleep over! Why do you think she stopped sleeping with you? You immediately gave her the impression that sex was more important...plus you seem to keep mentioning sex in your initial post.

 

If the relationship was going so well then maybe you should gone at a pace that she was comfortable with instead of placing demands on the relationship so early on.

[basil67]

The glaring red flag to me is that you'd already split up 2-3 times. What was that all about?

[elaine567]

I guess at best she was lukewarm about you and it didn't improve.

YOU thought the "date night" was perfect but I guess you projected your feelings about it onto her.

YOU had a 5 yo which she wasn't that keen on.

YOU seem to be mostly about the sex and I guess that is not something she put high on her list of potential "father material" qualities.

"Let's not bother hanging out unless sex is on the table" was a very bad move on your part. She won't have forgotten that one in a hurry.

 

All in all she did not see a future with you and although she reneged on that decision before, I guess things really didn't get better for her and now she is done.

 

There is little confusing here.

People change their minds about people all the time especially in the early stages of dating. One minute madly in "love", the next, after the wrong thing said or done, or some incompatibility raises its head, or reality hits, minds get changed and it is time to say "Next".

 

Dating is supposed to be easy and fun, at only 4 months you were supposed to be in hearts and flowers, head over heels territory not trying to patch things up all the time.

Move on.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with Goldsparkz and Elaine in that the 'let's hang out when I can stay over' comment was a very bad move.

 

I don't have a child but even so there's times when responsibilities mean that a date night won't always include a sleepover and sex.

 

If I were still weighing a guy up, taking it slow and getting to know a guy then that kind of comment along with the other things I wasn't so sure about (things she said she wasn't sure about) would be a nail in the coffin type of comment for me.

 

Maybe next time date someone closer if a 30 min drive is too much for you at night.

[introverted1]

My money is on that life coach. Probably telling her to be more independent, or she can do better things with her life rather than being tied down, possibly explore more options.

 

Yea.

 

Or maybe the life coach pointed out the inappropriateness of you spending the night when her 11yo is there.

 

(Also find it weird that she lets her 11yo son sleep in her bed. What's up with that?)

[phineas]

Yea.

 

Or maybe the life coach pointed out the inappropriateness of you spending the night when her 11yo is there.

 

(Also find it weird that she lets her 11yo son sleep in her bed. What's up with that?)

 

This. All of it.

 

Plus I don't think she was all that into him or she met someone else.

when women get hot/cold i go full cold and start moving on.

If they bother to find out why i tell them they are being hot & cold and i don't like it.

 

it's a major turn-off to me.

Just forget about her OP.

[monolithic]

I agree, my wording with "Let's hang out when I can stay all night" was poor.

 

I did text her back and go out to dinner with them, though and I have hung out with them before w/o staying over. I guess I never saw it like "He just wants to come over when he can get laid." I was frustrated that night because I felt like the relationship had a great weekend previously and then it was taking a step backwards.

 

The issue wasn't just a frustration with our love live - it was that because she has two dogs, full-time custody of her son and lives 30 minutes away, I was always driving to her place and hanging out until late at night. Whenever she would do an overnight or a full-day activity, she would have to board her dogs.

 

She was at my place maybe 3-4x max over the course of this relationship.

 

We spent NYE together, she introduced me to one of her best friends, the weekend of Date Night she initially asked me to go to her parent's for a BBQ and then out later that night with her friends (until I stupidly made a comment about 'Oh yeah? Isn't that what relationship couples do?) and her reply was something to the effect of "I didn't see it as any big deal". She ended up saying "Let's just do you original plans." I guess I spooked her and made some bad moves.

[elaine567]

You have to start thinking of the implications before you speak/text/email/call whatever..

There is often no second chance.

 

People tend to see those "slips", as signifying your true feelings and once heard they cannot be unheard.

 

YOU told her basically you did not want a "relationship" with her on NYE and then - you are not going to bother coming over, if there is no hope of sex.

Is it any wonder she can see no future with you?

 

The logistical problems interfered with this relationship.

Best to find a woman who has a less complicated life or learn to let those things not bother you so much, so that you don't fire off barbed comments that end up ruining things.

[introverted1]

You have to start thinking of the implications before you speak/text/email/call whatever..

There is often no second chance.

 

People tend to see those "slips", as signifying your true feelings and once heard they cannot be unheard.

 

YOU told her basically you did not want a "relationship" with her on NYE and then - you are not going to bother coming over, if there is no hope of sex.

Is it any wonder she can see no future with you?

 

The logistical problems interfered with this relationship.

Best to find a woman who has a less complicated life or learn to let those things not bother you so much, so that you don't fire off barbed comments that end up ruining things.

 

I think she was the one who didn't want to call it a relationship. My take is he was teasing her a bit about the couples-y activity she selected and then she reacted poorly to his comment.

 

OP, I honestly think you've dodged a bullet here. She sounds like a mess. More than you I am guessing her child will pay the price.

[monolithic]

You have to start thinking of the implications before you speak/text/email/call whatever..

There is often no second chance.

 

People tend to see those "slips", as signifying your true feelings and once heard they cannot be unheard.

 

YOU told her basically you did not want a "relationship" with her on NYE and then - you are not going to bother coming over, if there is no hope of sex.

Is it any wonder she can see no future with you?

 

The logistical problems interfered with this relationship.

Best to find a woman who has a less complicated life or learn to let those things not bother you so much, so that you don't fire off barbed comments that end up ruining things.

 

I'm thinking you misread my message(s)? I never told her on NYE I didn't want a relationship. My message to her had been "I really like you and would like to date you exclusively." and I told her that on several occasions.

 

My 'barbed-comment' was because I was frustrated we were only hanging out once a week after almost 4 months of dating - which limited a variety of things, intimacy only being one of them - and that she seemed to want to do activities that couples do (meet her friends, meet my friends, hang out with her kid, hang out with my kid, etc). It was confusing to me because I had no idea how to handle situations. After date night, I thought things were improving and her frequent texts of "Is everything OK between us?" meant to me that she cared about the relationship and wanted to move forward.

 

I think she was the one who didn't want to call it a relationship. My take is he was teasing her a bit about the couples-y activity she selected and then she reacted poorly to his comment.

 

OP, I honestly think you've dodged a bullet here. She sounds like a mess. More than you I am guessing her child will pay the price.

 

You hit the nail on the head - I was being playful with her about her wanting me to meet her parents and friends. That comment either spooked her or something because she decided to just do our plans (go out to dinner, go to a club, stay over my place.)

 

The last time she called things off, when I contacted her again after a week, she said several times during the weeks after that "There is definitely SOMETHING with us." - meaning she acknowledged we had strong feelings for one another.

 

I just can't figure this out.

[SunnySide0418]

I can't believe I am the first one to say this but OP you seem like a whiny high maintenance guy. That was very rude for you to originally say you didn't want to come over and hang out with them unless you could spend the night. That would have turned me off also. You will never come first her son will always come first and you just seem like a whiny pouty baby. Just because you had one great weekend together does not mean that things can't change you haven't been dating all that long. Plus you already broke up two or three times in this short period of time? Move on you aren't the right fit.

[monolithic]

I can't believe I am the first one to say this but OP you seem like a whiny high maintenance guy. That was very rude for you to originally say you didn't want to come over and hang out with them unless you could spend the night. That would have turned me off also. You will never come first her son will always come first and you just seem like a whiny pouty baby. Just because you had one great weekend together does not mean that things can't change you haven't been dating all that long. Plus you already broke up two or three times in this short period of time? Move on you aren't the right fit.

 

I think you're misunderstanding my reaction to her saying I couldn't stay over - I thought I explained it decently in previous posts:

 

It might have been 'rude' the way I worded it, but she also expected me to drive 30 minutes to her place, stay until late / early in the morning and then drive home. Also, as I mentioned before, I did about 80-90% of the driving to her place. She was at my place maybe 3-4x in 4 months. Additionally, I was frustrated because we had such a great date night and it felt like she was backing off for no reason leading up to this moment.

 

The entire point of this thread was hopefully to get some advice on what happened in the week leading up to this incident. She just started pulling away for no reason that I could tell.

 

Like I said, date night was great and she was acting as close to me and affectionate as she had in a long time. Then Sun-Tues after date night, she was texting me saying "Is everything ok? Just wanted to make sure things were ok between us. Things are ok on my end." Then Wednesday, she started getting progressively more distant from me over the rest of that week leading up to the conversation on Sunday about 8 days after date night, that she didn't see a future with me, etc, etc. There didn't seem to be any trigger that I can tell.

 

I realize I could have / should have handled the incident that Saturday (the night before the breakup) better. But she had already been pulling away that week and acting distant 3-4 days before that and I can't figure out what happened. It was a complete flip-flop from how she had been acting on date night and Sunday-Tuesday.