How do I have "the talk" without messing things up?

[ercolgemi]

So I've been dating this girl for about a month now. We've only seen each other 4 times because of how busy she is all the time. However, everytime we see each other, we have an amazing time. We've already had sex (+sleepover), which was also great.

 

However, she disappears for long periods of times in between dates, which gives me the feeling that she might not be very serious about this thing that we have going on. Since I'm sick and tired of waiting in limbo and not knowing what is going to happen, I have decided that next time I see her, I am going to ask her where this is going and whether she wants a relationship or not.

 

The problem is, since I like this girl so much, I don't want to mess things up. I've never been very good at initiating "the talk", I've always had it pushed onto me by people I wasn't all that into, and it made me less into them than I already was.

 

How do you bring this up without messing things up? Do I go for the "I have something I want to talk about"? And then what do I do? Some help would be great.

[The_Dork_Lard]

You've been dating her for one month, seen her 4 times, and feel she disappears for long periods of time? How long does she disappear for? Is there any contact during those periods?

 

The best way to approach this is not to have that talk. Just ride it out for a while, let it take its natural course.

 

Pay heed to your own words here:

 

I've never been very good at initiating "the talk", I've always had it pushed onto me by people I wasn't all that into, and it made me less into them than I already was.

Edited March 3, 2017 by The_Dork_Lard

[ercolgemi]

You've been dating her for one month, seen her 4 times, and feel she disappears for long periods of time? How long does she disappear for? Is there any contact during those periods?

 

The best way to approach this is not to have that talk. Just ride it out for a while, let it take its natural course.

 

Pay heed to your own words here:

She stops replying to messages for a few days at a time. Whenever she does, she follows it up with an explanation, and she tells me what she has been busy with, but a disappearance can happen at any time with no prior warning.

 

Very helpful advice, thank you!

[lurker74]

I probably wouldn't have the talk. But it's fine to say, hey...where do you disappear to when we're not together? If she says she's just busy, you either take her at her word or not.

 

Best dating advice I can think of: continue in a relationship until the pain of the other person's actions exceed the joy.

[leogirl876]

I think 4 dates is way too soon to have the exclusivity talk. I would give it a couple of months, like 8-12 dates, but maybe that's just me. It depends on what someone's looking for too. If you're just looking for a girlfriend, then it might not matter, but if you're looking for something really serious that could be really long-term, then I'd wait longer.

[The_Dork_Lard]

She stops replying to messages for a few days at a time. Whenever she does, she follows it up with an explanation, and she tells me what she has been busy with, but a disappearance can happen at any time with no prior warning.

 

Very helpful advice, thank you!

 

My advice, particularly because it's a new relation, is to adapt to her pace if you like her enough. I know it's frustrating because you probably want her all the time. I know that feeling. But in my experience it's better to appear cool, as if you've got a busy life yourself. That, in my opinion, is your best shot.

 

I find with romantic relationships, it's sometimes better to do the opposite of what you want to do gets you results. For example, appear cool if you want their attention. Don't break no contact if you want them to eventually ring you after breakup, etc etc. I believe this is one of those moments.

 

In one respect, you're not even demanding an explanation, yet she volunteers one. So she cares enough to a) contact you, b) tell you what she's been up to. If on the other hand her absences do indicate she isn't too interested in you, you will find out naturally enough whether you have that talk or not. But rest assured, initiating 'that' talk will put some pressure on her, no matter how mild it is.

 

In a nutshell: chill for a bit.

[ercolgemi]

I probably wouldn't have the talk. But it's fine to say, hey...where do you disappear to when we're not together? If she says she's just busy, you either take her at her word or not.

 

Best dating advice I can think of: continue in a relationship until the pain of the other person's actions exceed the joy.

I know where she's been, because she always tells me. Just... a few days late. Usually she writes of her own accord, sometimes I have to gently "remind" her by writing a short unrelated message.

 

That second part of your post is what worries me. The pain already exceeds the joy, which is why I'm thinking of forcing her hand by having the talk, so that I can finally either run it against the wall or take off and fly above it. But I'm worried that "the talk" might be a guaranteed "wall" option.

 

My advice, particularly because it's a new relation, is to adapt to her pace if you like her enough. I know it's frustrating because you probably want her all the time. I know that feeling. But in my experience it's better to appear cool, as if you've got a busy life yourself. That, in my opinion, is your best shot.

 

I find with romantic relationships, it's sometimes better to do the opposite of what you want to do gets you results. For example, appear cool if you want their attention. Don't break no contact if you want them to eventually ring you after breakup, etc etc. I believe this is one of those moments.

 

In one respect, you're not even demanding an explanation, yet she volunteers one. So she cares enough to a) contact you, b) tell you what she's been up to. If on the other hand her absences do indicate she isn't too interested in you, you will find out naturally enough whether you have that talk or not. But rest assured, initiating 'that' talk will put some pressure on her, no matter how mild it is.

 

In a nutshell: chill for a bit.

Thanks for the advice. I probably will. Yes, I do want her all the time and yes, it is frustrating. I will try to give off that impression more from now on.

[goldway90]

This is exactly what happens when you don't have options, i'm afraid after the talk you'll end up with "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"

 

Why not just enjoy your time with her and stop focusing on the talk and locking her down in a relationship!

[alphamale]

I've never been very good at initiating "the talk",

 

let me get this straight...you've spent around 12 hours with this girl and you want to have "the talk"??

[ercolgemi]

This is exactly what happens when you don't have options, i'm afraid after the talk you'll end up with "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"

 

Why not just enjoy your time with her and stop focusing on the talk and locking her down in a relationship!

Yeah, I'm afraid of that too. The reason why I can't just enjoy my time with her is that I keep thinking that I will lose her when she goes away, like she did since yesterday. The problem probably lies with me, but I don't really know how to fix it. I am trying to chill out, I really am.

 

let me get this straight...you've spent around 12 hours with this girl and you want to have "the talk"??

Point taken. We had more than 12 hours just the time she slept over, so it's more like 24 all in all, but I understand.

[GoldSparkz]

Another thing to consider is what do you envisage the relationship looking like if the two of you became exclusive? Is she going to make herself available to you most of the time or is she going to disappear for long periods like she does now? Have you considered whether your lifestyles are compatible?

 

What seems to be happening is typical - she isn't showing as much interest as you so therefore you are drawn to her more.

 

I would just be realistic about the future of any potential relationship with this woman.

[hercules22]

time goes fast dont think about it to much were already in march 2017 wtf happened in the last 2 months

[ercolgemi]

I think 4 dates is way too soon to have the exclusivity talk. I would give it a couple of months, like 8-12 dates, but maybe that's just me. It depends on what someone's looking for too. If you're just looking for a girlfriend, then it might not matter, but if you're looking for something really serious that could be really long-term, then I'd wait longer.

I had missed this earlier. Yes, I am looking for something serious, which is why you are probably right that I should wait.

 

Another thing to consider is what do you envisage the relationship looking like if the two of you became exclusive? Is she going to make herself available to you most of the time or is she going to disappear for long periods like she does now? Have you considered whether your lifestyles are compatible?

 

That is an extremely good question, and one I do not know the answer to. They might very well not be compatible. More interestingly though, I think the only way to find out is by spending more time with her, which incidentally is exactly why I probably shouldn't have this talk to her right now.

 

I will wait and see what happens. Now, the question is whether she will agree to another meeting anytime soon. If she doesn't within a week, I should probably just forget about the whole thing.

[Versacehottie]

"Forcing her hand". Hmmm, in my experience on either end of it, forcing one's hand is a recipe for failure. Coupled with the fact that it actually has only been 4 dates, which obviously isn't long to her or she'd be trying to move the pace up too. Dork land gives great advice here--you should act a bit cooler and have your own stuff going on. Not cool TOWARD her. Just chill a bit. The way you want to "lock her down" gives a desperate vibe and that is not good. Good luck

[basil67]

Sounds like I'm the only one here who would simply write off a person who frequently went AWOL for days on end. No matter how good the good times are, it would not make up for them being flaky.

[spiderowl]

Disappearing for long periods in between dates suggests to me that either:

 

She's not that into you, or

She's seeing someone else

 

I don't think having the talk would help here. I think the question is more why does she hide most of her life from you.

 

Maybe you should back off a bit and see what happens, see if she starts to be more forthcoming and including you a bit more.

[ercolgemi]

"Forcing her hand". Hmmm, in my experience on either end of it, forcing one's hand is a recipe for failure. Coupled with the fact that it actually has only been 4 dates, which obviously isn't long to her or she'd be trying to move the pace up too. Dork land gives great advice here--you should act a bit cooler and have your own stuff going on. Not cool TOWARD her. Just chill a bit. The way you want to "lock her down" gives a desperate vibe and that is not good. Good luck

Yeah, I'm trying to do just that.

 

She sent me a voice message yesterday after about 1.5 days of being AWOL, telling me about how terrible a time she has been having: how awful spending the day at her mother's wedding was (who is terminally ill and just married an alcoholic), how she took 4h to get home afterwards, though it was supposed to be a 1.5h ride, cause so many trains were delayed, how she had to leave super early for work on Saturday and work the whole day, how she's having trouble breathing because of a broken rib (long story), etc.

 

Soo, not trying to be insensitive, I sent her a message about 5h later saying how much I sympathize with her, how much I understand what she's going through, and that I am "there for her" if I can help with anything - but without asking questions, as I normally do, to keep the conversation going. Just asking her to let me know how she's feeling after she gets out of work today, and saying that tonight, I might record a little thing for her to "keep her company" (I am a musician and she likes me to send her stuff I play from time to time).

 

I hope this is appropriate, not desperate (since I'm not trying to get her to see me or keep the conversation going - just responding to her having had a bad time).

 

Sounds like I'm the only one here who would simply write off a person who frequently went AWOL for days on end. No matter how good the good times are, it would not make up for them being flaky.

Yeah, I would have tended to agree, which is why I wanted to have this talk with her in the first place, to see what's going on or if she's interested in continuing this at all. However, after starting this thread, people have convinced me to wait and play it cool for a while longer. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I guess I will try.

 

Disappearing for long periods in between dates suggests to me that either:

 

She's not that into you, or

Might be, but I doubt it, because would somebody that is not into me take so much time to talk to me while she does talk? Also, she seems to be having an absolutely amazing time whenever we meet.

 

She's seeing someone else

I have to admit, I have been thinking about this more than I would like to admit. This is coupled with the fact that she's never accepted my facebook friend request. I guess I will have to ask about this, for my own peace of mind, next time I see her - if she didn't accept it on purpose or just because she forgot. I don't know how to initiate that talk either, but I guess that will be an easier one than the other one I was trying to have.

 

I don't think having the talk would help here. I think the question is more why does she hide most of her life from you.

 

Maybe you should back off a bit and see what happens, see if she starts to be more forthcoming and including you a bit more.

I'm trying to do that just now. We shall see how successful I am.

[LookAtThisPOst]

So I've been dating this girl for about a month now. We've only seen each other 4 times because of how busy she is all the time. However, everytime we see each other, we have an amazing time. We've already had sex (+sleepover), which was also great.

 

However, she disappears for long periods of times in between dates, which gives me the feeling that she might not be very serious about this thing that we have going on. Since I'm sick and tired of waiting in limbo and not knowing what is going to happen, I have decided that next time I see her, I am going to ask her where this is going and whether she wants a relationship or not.

 

The problem is, since I like this girl so much, I don't want to mess things up. I've never been very good at initiating "the talk", I've always had it pushed onto me by people I wasn't all that into, and it made me less into them than I already was.

 

How do you bring this up without messing things up? Do I go for the "I have something I want to talk about"? And then what do I do? Some help would be great.

 

I figured you wouldn't need "the talk" if you've been sexually active.

[ercolgemi]

I figured you wouldn't need "the talk" if you've been sexually active.

I figured so too, except she keeps vanishing sometimes, even after the fact.

[GemmaUK]

So, hold on - you said she had gone AWOL - yet she told you she had been at her sick Mum's wedding and sounds like it was a long trip there and back most likely.

Give a long train journey a planned time of 2 hrs and you're pretty much always looking at six hours!

 

She didn't tell you at any point then beforehand that her Mum was sick but also that her Mum was getting married?

If she didn't tell you any of that then that's AWOL (or disappearing - AWOL sounds like she'd need your permission to do something - which at this stage or any stage is ridiculous! Lol!). If she told you this was all going on then she wasn't disappearing at all - she was busy and had other things going on - all perfectly valid.

 

You're only 4 dates in and one month in.

You're only just getting to know each other and you're at a really early stage.

It sounds like you want to lock her down. Why not just take a day at a time, get to know her, see how things pan out. Why the hurry?

[ercolgemi]

[...] She didn't tell you at any point then beforehand that her Mum was sick but also that her Mum was getting married? [...]

 

You're only 4 dates in and one month in.

You're only just getting to know each other and you're at a really early stage.

It sounds like you want to lock her down. Why not just take a day at a time, get to know her, see how things pan out. Why the hurry?

She did tell me both of these things. I do not want to lock her down, I just need more feedback from her in order to know that she likes me and I'm doing the right things for her. Her reluctance to connect with me on social media makes me paranoid that she's hiding something big.

 

The reason why I'm needy is that I've recently recovered from an illness which led to the breakup of my previous relationship and prevented me from dating anyone else for about a year. I have suffered so much because of this, I just wanted everything to work out right away this time. I know this sounds stupid, but for her, we've just met last month. For me, I've been waiting for "her" for such a long time that my patience reserves have run out.

 

You seem to be knowledgeable in her way of thinking. Do you think I should ask her out again or wait for it to come from her, since she's not doing so well right now?

[Miss Spider]

If she's interested in it too, there's no way to mess up th DTR talk. If she isn't, there's no way word it to have it go well. What you're doing is what a lot of people do...pushing a DTR when you see things aren't looking good in that way. See how that's kind of antithetical. Trying to talk onto someone who is pulling away/showing disinterest in having a rship in order to secure them and stop them from leaving you for someone else. You have the DTR talk when things are going great, you are totally into each other, and you feel confident about the relationship, not in a desperate attempt to lock them down as they're pulling away?

[GemmaUK]

She did tell me both of these things. I do not want to lock her down, I just need more feedback from her in order to know that she likes me and I'm doing the right things for her. Her reluctance to connect with me on social media makes me paranoid that she's hiding something big.

 

The reason why I'm needy is that I've recently recovered from an illness which led to the breakup of my previous relationship and prevented me from dating anyone else for about a year. I have suffered so much because of this, I just wanted everything to work out right away this time. I know this sounds stupid, but for her, we've just met last month. For me, I've been waiting for "her" for such a long time that my patience reserves have run out.

 

You seem to be knowledgeable in her way of thinking. Do you think I should ask her out again or wait for it to come from her, since she's not doing so well right now?

 

So she wasn't AWOL )nor disappeared) at all - she was just busy and told you about it in advance.

 

4 dates in and I wouldn't add someone on social media even if I was logging onto it. I haven't logged on to FB for a couple of years though and logging in prior to that was rare - it's just not my thing really.

 

Your neediness is down to you and something you need to take a grip on before embarking on dating anyone.

To be honest it sounds like you have her on a pedestal - she'll fall off and already is for not being the perfect woman for you as she doesn't text enough, makes time for a quick call but that isn't long enough.

 

Ask her on another date in a day or so once she has recovered from what sound like a hectic few days - but in the meantime be busy with your own life - see your friends, enjoy your hobbies - have something to talk about when you next see her.

If she is still accepting dates and the dates are as good as you say then there is no real issue and your impatience could just become the end of it.

 

Maybe after your illness you now need to re-build your own life - you have space to do that right now.

[TheBathWater]

I agree with most of the other responses here. Don't have the talk. Give it a couple of more months. Ideally, let her be the one to bring it up. I think if you bring it up now you're not going to like the outcome. As long as she keeps reaching out to see you, she likes you. Let that build until the relationship becomes her idea.

[ercolgemi]

So she wasn't AWOL )nor disappeared) at all - she was just busy and told you about it in advance.

That's right. To be fair, she had broken off contact for a few days right before then, too - but that is irrelevant, as she did later tell me what she had been up to in that time, too.

 

4 dates in and I wouldn't add someone on social media even if I was logging onto it. I haven't logged on to FB for a couple of years though and logging in prior to that was rare - it's just not my thing really.

Unlike you though, she is logging into it quite often. Honestly, I will assume I simply attempted to connect with her on there too early, as it was only one day after our first date. She probably felt that was too early, and never got around to changing that later. I will gently remind her if the mood is right during one of our next dates, but only if I am sure I will manage in a completely non-threatening, no-pressure kind of way.

 

Your neediness is down to you and something you need to take a grip on before embarking on dating anyone. To be honest it sounds like you have her on a pedestal - she'll fall off and already is for not being the perfect woman for you as she doesn't text enough, makes time for a quick call but that isn't long enough.

You are right.

 

Ask her on another date in a day or so once she has recovered from what sound like a hectic few days - but in the meantime be busy with your own life - see your friends, enjoy your hobbies - have something to talk about when you next see her.

All right. I am doing my best to have an active social life, I really am. I've never before reached out to so many people, I've started going to the gym every day, and I've just generally been trying to keep busy in any way I can.

 

The only slight problem is that all days seem to be hectic for her - ever since I met her, I don't think there has ever been one day that she didn't have a million plans on. She is simply that kind of person. Her impressive work ethic and active social life are some of the things I like most about her, actually.

 

I will follow your advice, though, as it really does seem like very good advice.

 

Maybe after your illness you now need to re-build your own life - you have space to do that right now.

I will absolutely do my best to do that. Thank you!

 

I agree with most of the other responses here. Don't have the talk. Give it a couple of more months. Ideally, let her be the one to bring it up. I think if you bring it up now you're not going to like the outcome. As long as she keeps reaching out to see you, she likes you. Let that build until the relationship becomes her idea.

I will do that. Thanks a lot for your input!

 

If she's interested in it too, there's no way to mess up th DTR talk. If she isn't, there's no way word it to have it go well. What you're doing is what a lot of people do...pushing a DTR when you see things aren't looking good in that way. See how that's kind of antithetical. Trying to talk onto someone who is pulling away/showing disinterest in having a rship in order to secure them and stop them from leaving you for someone else. You have the DTR talk when things are going great, you are totally into each other, and you feel confident about the relationship, not in a desperate attempt to lock them down as they're pulling away?

I don't know what DTR means, but that makes total sense. Reading other people's messages though, especially those of GemmaUK, I'm starting to think maybe things aren't going badly at all and this is all just in my head. If this is the case, making this thread might have saved me from making a big mistake right before it was too late.

Edited March 5, 2017 by ercolgemi