Recently married but close to starting an affair with MM how do I stop it?

[Guest101]

I'm in a situation and I don't know what to do. I am recently married and close to starting an affair with MM. I don't want to be in a affair, but I'm doubtful I'm going to be strong enough to stop it. I'm in a fairly unique situation, but don't want to give to many details because it is so unique and I don't want anybody who knows me to stumble onto this. The important elements are that my husband and I are travelling with MM and his wife, so we are together CONSTANTLY, like 24/7. I know this makes it worse that I know his wife. I've known MM for about 3 years, and have always been attracted to him. Our friendship has grown over the last year and we now have a strong desire for each other. There have been physical acts, but not sex, all followed after a few drinks. Neither spouse suspects anything.

 

 

I know this is wrong. I don't want to be in an affair, but how do I stop it? We are together constantly, and the desire is so great and growing. I don't know what to do. We've talked about it and are both of the same confused opinion. We know what's at risk, and neither of us want to leave our spouses and only see this as a fling. Neither of us knows what to do. I know we SHOULD be able to control our desires, but we are failing miserably.

 

 

The current excuse we are using is that we aren't getting what we need sexually from our respective spouses. This is true, but we verbally acknowledged that this was an excuse, and it's nobody's fault but our own. There is more about how my husband and I are connected to this couple that makes the story even more complicated, but again, I'm leaving out the details. But the crux of the details is that it will be impossible to limit contact with them until about 10 months from now. I've read lots of the advice and it all seems to involve distancing yourself from the MM. What if that's not an option???

 

 

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I do love my husband. Maybe we aren't sexually compatible, but other than that our relationship is good, and I don't want to risk it. I guess what I'm saying is that I need more advice than, "Don't do it!!" I know that's what I should do, I'm just trying to be realistic and figure out a way to be able to resist. After each of the physical acts, I tell myself, that was the last time. It's not going to happen again. It's not working. I need some help!

[Owl]

Bluntly, you need to tell your husband what's wrong in your marriage, you need to confess to him what's started between you and MM, and you need to end this travel with MM and his wife. It's the only way...otherwise this is just going to continue because neither of you are going to be able to resist the temptation. Telling your husband sets the stage for honesty and open communication in your marriage...and it also gets what's going on out in the open and should keep it from happening again.

 

If you can't do that...then you should consider divorce or annulment. Just my thoughts.

[SoleMate]

If you want to avoid infidelity, you absolutely MUST end contact with the MM AND start rebuilding your marriage. Google for "marriage builders" and learn how to meet your H's needs, and vice versa. Also please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

it will be impossible to limit contact with [MM] until about 10 months from now. I've read lots of the advice and it all seems to involve distancing yourself from the MM. What if that's not an option???

Sorry, I don't buy this. You just need to get your priorities straight. If your marriage is your #1 priority in life, then go NC. AND tell your H you've been tempted. AND work on your marriage. What is this compelling reason why you must stay so near the lion's den? Is it money? Or social awkwardness? Or promises? Or inertia? Or "professional reasons"? Those only trump the sanctity of your marriage if you let them.

[mopar crazy]

I agree w/ the replies you have gotten so far. You need to get away from this situation.

 

This thread reminds me of the days my H played on a men's softball team. There was a very good looking younger guy that played ball w/ H two to three times a week. He was a really sweet, funny guy. I thought he was attractive and yes, if I was single I would of wanted to go out w/ him. He would flirt a lot. I remember him asking me to hold his shirt when he changed into his uniform. It smelled great. I commented to one of the other W there how good it smelled. He heard me and said "If you weren't married..." and walked off. My M wasn't very good, in fact it was pretty much on the rocks and I had thought about getting a D a few times. I bet I could of had an A w/ this guy and got what I was missing out of my M from him, BUT I was M and I wasn't going to do something as stupid as having an A. It would of caused A LOT more problems than b4. It's not worth it.

[quankanne]

I don't want to be in a affair, but I'm doubtful I'm going to be strong enough to stop it.

 

yes, you are. However, you keep reinforcing doubt by telling yourself these kinds of things, and you're leaving yourself wide open to a future you know you don't want.

 

the answer is simple: either work to change the situation, or indulge in something that probably will be less than fulfulling for one of you because your true commitments (i.e., your marriages) will be just over your shoulder. Having an affair doesn't really sound like something that will simplify your life or rectify the underlying problem.

 

you know what you need to do: Focus on the relationship with your husband. As hard as it can be to try to keep an open line of communication because someone's feelings are bound to be hurt because it's such a personal issue, it's important that you do talk to your husband about what your relationship lacks or needs. I guarantee, were the shoe on the other foot, you would have wanted a fighting chance to make things work with your husband, and not just let him wander off.

 

guest, you're heart is in the right place when what you say points to your wanting to keep your marriage intact, but those chemical impulses are doing their best to bedevil you. Do your best by your marriage, because if that doesn't work out for some reason, you will know that you fought for it, and not some flash in the pan booty call.

[Guest101]

Thanks for all of your advice. It is really good to be able to get different perspectives.

 

Solemate- I get your point about it not being actually impossible, but it's extremely close. The reasons are in fact money (for all 4 of us), even to the point of losing our homes. And promises, some verbal, some legally contracted. It's complicated, but right now we are all gaining quite a bit of financial benefits. We will only be traveling in such close quarters for a couple more weeks, but there will be times over the next 10 months where we will be in the same amount of extreme close contact.

 

There was definitely a common theme for you all to focus on my marriage. This is definitely great advice. It's funny how easy it is to look for the quick "fix", even when I know the quick fix is the most destructive option. Uggghhhh...

I did the google search and there is definitely tons of stuff out there.

 

 

I'm planning on talking to my husband about what is lacking. I need to get my thoughts straight and figure out how best to have this conversation. And I assume he'll have some things that I'm not doing as well. I know that this conversation won't involve me confessing though. I'm not 100% sure my husband would leave me, but I'm not interested in finding out. On the other hand, MM's wife is quite a hothead, and jealous. MM is convinced if she found out what has happened between us she'd leave. I'm pretty sure he's right. Neither of us want to loose our spouses.

 

quankanne- Thank you for your kind words, they seem very wise. You are right, I'm offering myself an excuse by saying, I'm weak, I can't do this anyway, why try? Seems quite clear. I had another discussion with MM, and we broke down the times when temptation would be the highest, and said, if we can get through those without making the wrong decision, we will be able to make it. Even though we know those times will be hard, it was really good to make them seem like discreet incidents to have to get through, rather then one continuous temptation. I know that the temptation hasn't really changed, but I believe changing my attitude toward the temptation will be better. I can do this. I will not give myself the exuse of resigning myself to failure.

 

Thank you all again for your advice. It really is helpful.