TheBarnacle Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 well, i've decided i'm clueless. about women and perhaps myself. i was dating a pretty cool woman, had a lot going for her: sexy, smart...well, at least those two things. though, there were certainly red flags and questions about our compatibility. anyway, i wanted to go slow, get to know her better, etc. before making any judgement. she wanted to push things fast. always ratcheting up the intensity ("are we dating?", "are you my boyfriend?", "should we buy that house?"). now mind you, it's only been about 7 weeks. and this started right away. i told her i was coming OUT of a relationship and needed/wanted to go slower. if that wasn't ok with her, then we should stop. i got the "no no no it's fine" answer. erratic i would say. anyway, i finally ended it b/c i decided to go with my gut, which was telling me she's simply not for me AND i was quite tired, honestly, of the pressure. now i understand that as grown-ups, people who want to be married and get on with their lives WITH someone can move pretty quickly. but this just seemed so fast. am i wrong? why can't we go slower? a few months rather than a few weeks to get to know someone seems a little more reasonable, eh? anyway... as a "part II" to my ramble. i wonder why i'm such a wuss about it. why can't i stick to my decision? i KNOW i'm emotionally not ready to move on from previous relationships, i KNOW this woman isn't "right" for me. yet....i did enjoy her company and she wasn't an evil person. i need to get some stones and stick with it. any thoughts on how better to do that??
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by TheBarnacle i KNOW this woman isn't "right" for me. yet....i did enjoy her company and she wasn't an evil person. You're just not into her. And that's alright. That's what dating is about -- the process of finding true love. But since you have taken up her time, you at least owe her the respect of telling her in person that while you've enjoyed her company, and are glad to have known her, you don't feel the connection that you are looking for and that you both deserve to have that in your life. As a side note... if you're really "into" a girl, then you wouldn't feel the need to "go slow". You would look forward to the daily phone call, seeing her several times a week, and talking about your future together. You would be happy, if not proud, to be called her boyfriend.
simon_uk Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken You're just not into her. Jen! I really think you need to lose this book! Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken As a side note... if you're really "into" a girl, then you wouldn't feel the need to "go slow". You would look forward to the daily phone call, seeing her several times a week, and talking about your future together. You would be happy, if not proud, to be called her boyfriend. It has been seven weeks!!!!!!! Of course she is moving too fast, there is no question. You don't discuss your future together or moving in together after seven weeks!!!! Barnacle has just come out of a relationship and he wants to start dating again. he meets a woman and he likes her so they spend time together. If she is discussing moving in together after seven weeks I am not surprised he is a little apprehensive. It would scare anybody away. Barnacle, if you like the woman, just date her and take things really slow and maybe after 6 months or so you can start talking about a future.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by TheBarnacle anyway, i finally ended it b/c i decided to go with my gut, which was telling me she's simply not for me AND i was quite tired, honestly, of the pressure. If she's not for you, she's not for you. It's as simple as that. I hope, as Jen says, that you were polite and kind in communicating this. Simon is right though. Experience has taught me to distrust women who are too quick to rush into commitment. By the same token, they tend to be quick to rush out of it.
Horse Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 tic toc... tic toc... tic toc. She could be in a hurry to settle down and have a family. If she doesn't have kids, and wants to have them, then she may feel like she doesn't have a lot of time to waste (being 30 something). She may feel like she has to move along fairly quickly if she ever wants a family.
Author TheBarnacle Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 thanks to each of you. good advice all for sure! yes, i understand the desire for somen women (30-somethings in particular...but this one is younger 30's so...wtf really?) to move forward with their lives -- tick tock, etc. some don't want or need much "get to know you" time. i recognize that and respect their needs. if what they want is to move quickly, so be it. but 6 weeks? just a little too much too fast. frankly, i often felt like all she knew/liked about me was my X chromosome and that just wasn't cool -- ok, that may be a bit of an exageration. but i do disagree that if you're "in to" someone, you'll want to move quickly. or rather, that if you DON'T move quickly, that automatically means you're NOT in to them. i like her. she's fun to spend time with. but i just wanted to take it at a bit more easy pace. and by easy, i don't mean "casual" or "friends with benefits" thing. i genuinely want to get to know someone first, then progress. it just seemed the cart was way out ahead of the horse on this one. and yes, we had frank and honest talk about it all. civil, polite, etc. thanks again, all. good stuff!!! now i just need to stick to my decision....i'm not good at that part.
immizunderstood Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I think the girl sounds like a whack job to me. Why would any woman who is just dating want to move in with someone after seven weeks. Why? BECAUSE SHE IS PSYCHO. (DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO TWILIGHT ZONE). You need to make sure if you do still date her WRAP IT UP B/C DUDE YOU ARE GOING TO GET TRAPPED!!! My advice to you is leave her alone. You did nothing wrong. You gave her the benefit of telling her what you want now and she responded with "no, no, no its fine" (that was a lie) she wants more you don't. Move on and date. There will always be another woman who you would enjoy there company. Have fun, don't feel sorry for your self or her you did what you had to do; adjust and move toward your real destiny.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 After 7 weeks it's not too soon to talk about taking a weekend holiday together, or meeting each others friends, but it is definitely too soon to be discussing moving in together. I'm of the opinion that talks about cohabitation shouldn't come until after a marriage proposal.
Author TheBarnacle Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 well, i do appreciate the responses. and i recognize that 30-something women walk a fine line b/w "wasting time" and pushing too hard too fast. it's a tough task no doubt. in this case, it just seemed like it was too much. i had no problem with the end goal being a true commited relationship, but needed/wanted/asked to move at a slower pace and get to know one another better. truth is, i feel better about my decision each day. and, having been in long-term relationships for the past 15 years, it was a good re-introduction to dating in the 2-thou. no regrets, live and learn, etc.
shamen Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Hey Barnacle, I don't think that all women in their 30s have a clock going. I'm 36 and feel none of that whatsoever. Just something to keep in mind. While it would be nice, I definitely don't push anything. Take my time dating, if it happens, great, if not, time to move on. I tend to be a serial monogamist... not interested in marriage, or kids! I've had a similar experience with a guy in his 30s. He wanted way more than I did and way too fast. He was telling me 2 and 1/2 weeks into it that he was looking for a life partner! What?! Needless to say, he's not around anymore. Just MHO.
alphamale Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by TheBarnacle am i wrong? no, you did the right thing THEBARNACLE...
clandestinidad Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Yeah, somethings really wrong w/ her. Good for you for dropping her. On a side note, I dont think its only women in their 30's. I know LOTS of women in their 20's who are this way too. I think its just one of those things people have....like some are blonde, brunette, fat, bony, etc....some just reeeeaaally want to get married. And theyre absolutely clueless about how crappy it can be. They love the idea of it, but have no idea what it really is. I am 24, and considering dating men closer to 30. Not to get married, but because most of them have been around the block and know how a relationship works...what people should/shouldnt do. But I really cant make that generalization b/c some of them have huge issues....just like you cant make the generalization about women in their 30's.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Because their clocks are ticking... You're d@mn right! My ovaries are already looking like dried up prunes. I say cut to the chase! Fish or cut bait. Don't waste any of my precious time.
Blackfrost Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 I say cut to the chase! Fish or cut bait. Don't waste any of my precious time. That's exactly the way I felt about sleeping with women in my early 20's.......... Women called us men insensitive a**holes and numerous other names for wanting to get some so badly. I think it's god's great joke that he flips the gender sex drive around
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by Blackfrost I think it's god's great joke that he flips the gender sex drive around Or maybe that's just my cue that I should find a younger man.
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