mrtini1325 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I've been spending a lot of time with a coworker outside of work. We hang out 3-4 nights a week, one on one. I told her I was interested in dating her and like her. She said she had a bad experience dating a coworker before, but didn't flat out say no. So we kept hanging out, a lot. I asked her out again, she's still concerned about us being coworkers. The next day while on facebook, I saw that there is a guy whose relationship status says he's dating her. Why hasn't she said flat out said she doesn't want to date me, cause I told her I would ask again. And why hasn't she once mentioned her boyfriend, I mean why isn't he spending time with her. I mean we've been spending a ton of time together. I haven't tried to make too big of a move on her because we are coworkers. I'm wondering if I should just kiss her.
VeveCakes Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You're the work husband. Friend zoned. All the relationship baggage without the sex. She hasn't told you because you might not give her the same attention. Don't kiss her, she has a bf. Find someone single. 2
zeeohsixer Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 She wants you, if you play it cool and assure her you wont cause drama you will become her fwb. If you start asking for a relationship or even questioning her about it you will be friendzoned or thrown under the bus.
Author mrtini1325 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I want to have an honest conversation with her. What are her feelings? Does she have a boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell me no to dating if she had a boyfriend? I don't want to think she was just leading me on.
VeveCakes Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I want to have an honest conversation with her. What are her feelings? Does she have a boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell me no to dating if she had a boyfriend? I don't want to think she was just leading me on. Well a lot of the time the truth makes us uncomfortable. Either ask her out on a DATE or leave her alone. My advice is move on. Dating and the work place is a recipe for disaster. 1
Shanex Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Don't dip your pen, this has been repeated numerous time here. Friend zoned probably but the fact she didn't flat out reject you and leaving the door open is a sketchy behavior if she's actually in some relationship. I'd move on.
Jet8419 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I was in a similar situation as you some time ago, except I'm the girl and he asked me out while he had a gf whom he never mentioned about until I found out on FB. In my case, he was together with that gf for a few months and realised they weren't going to work out, so he had the intention to break up with her anyway and didn't feel the need to disclose his existing relationship then. Eventually I declined to go out with him while he was still attached. So I reckon, your co-worker is unsure about her current bf. While she's still with him, it's her duty to stay committed to him, that's why she can't date you yet, though she could be open to the idea should they break up later. Chances are she won't last long with her current bf if she's not even telling people she's attached (from what I've seen before). But in the meantime, you are better off steering clear from asking her out and just remain friends first, as you don't want things to get awkward at work.
OnlyHonesty Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 And why hasn't she once mentioned her boyfriend...I'm wondering if I should just kiss her. Ive highlighted the faulty logic. This is where your desires, hormones and lust get in the way of logical thinking, thereby resulting in drama, problems and the beginning of all sorts of unknown issues. Think with your brain, it will keep your life a lot simpler.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 The only thing I can think of is that they are long distance....so by hanging out, you are just being filler. 1
JustGettingBy Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Dating a co-worker and dating someone already in a relationship are both extremely risky. Doing both at once...you'd be asking for trouble. Luckily you can back out now before any long term damage is done. 1
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I would casually ask her if she's dating anyone. If she says no, I'd ask her on a real date. If she has something going with him, it could be as someone suggested long-distance -- or he could consider her his girlfriend but to her he's a friend. Who knows. Ask are you dating anyone and see what she says.
5x5 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Dating and the work place is a recipe for disaster. Or it can be a recipe for a happy long term sexual relationship. In my case it has been ongoing for close to 21 years, with almost 18 of those being married. 1
goldway90 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 We hang out 3-4 nights a week, one on one No kiss after 4 nights/dates!! well looks like you earned an orbiter spot. Now after finding out she has a bf you're wondering if you should kiss her? It's time to move on and find single women. 1
dumbass2 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I want to have an honest conversation with her. What are her feelings? Does she have a boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell me no to dating if she had a boyfriend? I don't want to think she was just leading me on. I would not go and hang out with her again unless you have the talk with her. You don't want to invest any more in this since you work together and don't want things to get drama filled at work. I suggest you do not date her any ways because you work together, but that's your can of worms to open if you are able to go there. You want a relationship with her. You want to date her. Don't allow her to string you along with "I'll think about". She's thinking about because she probably, as it appears, has a boyfriend. Even if she breaks up with him right now, you only stand a good chance of being a rebound and probably still having him around in the picture. Ex's never go away that easily. A lot for you to think about, but you should have the conversation. She appears to have baggage anyway you look at it and that includes the baggage of dating a co-worker.
Purepony Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Or it can be a recipe for a happy long term sexual relationship. In my case it has been ongoing for close to 21 years, with almost 18 of those being married. That's what I was thinking ...! Hahaha I would just make it a fwb and keep it there But that's just me
5x5 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Dating a co-worker and dating someone already in a relationship are both extremely risky. Doing both at once...you'd be asking for trouble. I did that with my now wife albeit inadvertently, she was a recent STEM graduate who had started working in the media where I worked. When after a short while she asked me out on a date. It wasn't until after our second date (evening) on the same day as the first (lunch), that I found out she was in a relationship with another guy. I told her that had to end, so she then dumped him the following day. Close to 21 years later we're still together. At work she lasted around 8 months before she moved on to the public sector. During our time in the same office, we only talked to each other for work related purposes, and didn't tell our colleagues we are an item, until after she put in her notice. On the other hand a few years before, I dated another woman from work (Army) who I asked out. After spending the night with her, my flatmate who was in my unit told everyone that I didn't come home. She was then hassled for it and consequently accused me of telling everyone (which I didn't), so she then told me we were done. Incidentally not long before I started dating my now wife, I had dated her again for a short while.
5x5 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I told her I was interested in dating her and like her. That is so passive! If you want to date someone, ask them out on a date. Unless you want to be left out in the cold, don't tap dance indecisively at the edges. She said she had a bad experience dating a coworker before, but didn't flat out say no. What on earth could she flat out say no to? if you asked her in a roundabout way with a get out clause of deniability (I'm interested but I'm not actually asking), you haven't asked. I asked her out again, she's still concerned about us being coworkers. Well presuming you haven't just rehashed you might be interested, perhaps she just isn't interested. I'm wondering if I should just kiss her. Well if you want to find out if she is or isn't interested, you could try exactly that.
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Or it can be a recipe for a happy long term sexual relationship. In my case it has been ongoing for close to 21 years, with almost 18 of those being married. Yes I have seen successful coworker relationships/marriages....but I would never recommend it. The disastrous outcomes, out weigh the success stories IMO. In some case it's not worth losing your job over.
Author mrtini1325 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I know I just want this to work out in where we end up together so I'm looking for any hope. But it looks like this guy lives near by, so not a long distance relationship. She has only one picture of the tow of them together from 5 months ago. When we were out to dinner the other night, the waiter thought we were a couple. But after she said we weren't, he asked her if she was single, and she said yes. Can I trust that answer? We've shared a lot more of our past secrets with each other that I don't understand why she would lie there.
angel.eyes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 All that answer tells you is she doesn't care to delve into her personal life with a complete stranger, the waiter. She's there to chat with her friend (you), not to socialize with the waiter. How would you feel if she focused her attention on the waiter and ignored her dinner companion? That would be rude.
Author mrtini1325 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 I guess I should have mentioned he was a gay waiter and asked both of us if we were single.
angel.eyes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Not sure what that has to do with anything. Gay or straight, he's a stranger. Shouldn't he be taking your orders, rather than inserting himself in your dinner conversation?
VeveCakes Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Or it can be a recipe for a happy long term sexual relationship. In my case it has been ongoing for close to 21 years, with almost 18 of those being married. Exception not the rule. "He's just not that into you"
Author mrtini1325 Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 Let me start by saying that I'm new to dating and never dated too much. I haven't been actually attracted to a anybody in a few years. I just don't meet many girls. Any insight into my relationship and helpful advice will be appreciated. Also, please don't post "don't date a coworker." I've already heard it, I don't meet many girls I like, and am willing and wanting to make this work. This girl started working for my company 6 months ago. We were friendly but I didn't give her much thought. After 3 months we started hanging out after work. Quickly this turned into 3-5 nights week we would go to a bar or get dinner and end up talking for hours. We have great chemistry and get along really well. After a month of this, I asked if she'd like to go on a date. She said she had to think about it. Trying to give her space, I didn't call her. She called 2 days later to get dinner. And for the next month we continued to hang out 3-5 times a week. After a month I brought up dating again. She mentioned that she dated a coworker before and didn't go well and she was still thinking about it. Trying to give her space again, I didn't call her. But she actually called later that night and we talked for 2 hrs. And so we continued to get together for another month. During all this time some of the things that stood out to me as being more than just friends were: we went to a restaurant specifically for sharing a desert, went hot tubing, she would feed me tastes of her dinner from her fork, late night phone calls that would go past midnight on a work night, being mistaken for a couple a few times, and more stuff I can't remember. I didn't try and physical advances because we are coworkers and didn't want to push it. Also, because I'm shy and not that familiar to dating. After a month I wanted to have a more serious conversation about what this was. She told me she broke up with her long term boyfriend 6 months ago. Right now she had planned on focusing on her and her new job. She wants to be friends for now but maybe in the future. She believes she came to my company for a reason, and it could possibly be me. Since than we've gotten dinner a few times and talked on the phone late into the night. But the flirty chemistry still hasn't changed. I guess I'm still confused. I think her actions say she's interested in me even though she says she wants to be friends. I think she is interested in me, but is scared of being hurt like her last boyfriend and also she wasn't expecting to find someone she likes this quick. She had planned on focusing on her new career. Any insight into how she might feel or what I can do to help this work would be appreciated. I'll add any details I think of later. Let me know if you have any questions.
Telemachus Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 You've heard it, but you haven't listened. Some people learn that fire is hot by hearing or reading about it. Others learn it by seeing its destructive force. Still others can learn it only by putting their own hands into the fire. You place yourself into that last category. My most helpful advice is that you shouldn't trust advice from anyone who thinks, as you do, that it's a good idea to date this or any co-worker. There's nothing in your posting to indicate that you're inclined to act in your own or her best interests. 1
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