How do I get over my resentment of my husband's vacations without me?

[angel.eyes]

Those choices are on point. We are both 35. I don't think he's cheating on me. He is always posting photos on Instagram with his buddies. There are a handful of girls that go with them...but I don't feel as if that's what's going on.

 

I find it worrisome that these are co-ed trips from which you're excluded.

 

Many guys do have an annual trip with a small group of close, all male buddies (college roommates, the frat brothers they rushed with, grad school besties, etc.) What your husband is doing is on a completely different level. He's spending a week doing all the planning for each of these trips, and he's averaging two trips a month with a co-ed group that excludes you. Basically, he's either planning a trip or on a trip. When do you actually spend any quality one-on-one time with him?

 

Despite what you might think, given his attitude, the way he's treating you, and where he has chosen to spend his free time, the possibility of cheating should be fairly high on your list. Do a little digging. You may be shocked at what you find. Either way, given the state of your marriage only seven months in, things look pretty dismal. You're going to have some tough decisions to make very soon.

[lilypad10]

I find it worrisome that these are co-ed trips from which you're excluded.

 

Many guys do have an annual trip with a small group of close, all male buddies (college roommates, the frat brothers they rushed with, grad school besties, etc.) What your husband is doing is on a completely different level. He's spending a week doing all the planning for each of these trips, and he's averaging two trips a month with a co-ed group that excludes you. Basically, he's either planning a trip or on a trip. When do you actually spend any quality one-on-one time with him?

 

Despite what you might think, given his attitude, the way he's treating you, and where he has chosen to spend his free time, the possibility of cheating should be fairly high on your list. Do a little digging. You may be shocked at what you find. Either way, given the state of your marriage only seven months in, things look pretty dismal. You're going to have some tough decisions to make very soon.

 

I can definitely see why this raises a red flag and would be cause for concern. I'm absolutely unhappy about the co-ed aspect. But the way he puts it, these are his college friends and they all love skiing and all bought an annual pass to the major ski sites in the country and want to get the best use out of that $800. So his friends' days off work don't coincide with mine, plus I don't ski and he thinks I would be bored on those trips which is why I don't go. Again, I don't think his reasoning is taking my feelings or our relationship into consideration. I think it's the very opposite of being nurturing to our relationship. But this is his side of the story.

[OatsAndHall]

Very true. I never yell but sometimes do come at him in a straightforward manner, "Well, you've been on VRBO looking for a place for you and your friends the past hour but it's been 4 weeks since I've asked you if we can go out of town on April 3 and I can't get a response from you. Clearly you favor your friends over me."

 

I think that approach has NOT been working for me. I'm poor at subtlety. That's something I could work on.

 

I guess I don't see that as an inappropriate response to the situation, given that you have talked to him about it. He has stated that he doesn't favor his friends over your but his actions are quite different.

 

There's no one saying that your husband can't set up vacations with his friends but he had better be fair with his time. You two need vacations that last just as long, if not longer.

[stillafool]

 

The truth is, I don't want to go on monthly vacations with my friends. I got married to have a partner that I can enjoy my life with. If I had wanted to continue traveling with my friends like I did when I was single, I never would have gotten married in the first place.

 

Since other women are going why don't you learn the sport so you can go and spend time with him on these vacations?

[stillafool]

I can definitely see why this raises a red flag and would be cause for concern. I'm absolutely unhappy about the co-ed aspect. But the way he puts it, these are his college friends and they all love skiing and all bought an annual pass to the major ski sites in the country and want to get the best use out of that $800. So his friends' days off work don't coincide with mine, plus I don't ski and he thinks I would be bored on those trips which is why I don't go. Again, I don't think his reasoning is taking my feelings or our relationship into consideration. I think it's the very opposite of being nurturing to our relationship. But this is his side of the story.

 

Well have you told your husband that you would like to learn to ski? What did he say?

[JS84]

Sounds like your husband has his priorities down. You just aren't one of them. The way you describe the dynamics of your marriage sounds dysfunctional. Your husband sounds like he's 35 going on 23. If he wants to act like he's single then he shouldn't have gotten married to begin with. Although I am curious if this has been a pattern throughout your relationship even before marriage, something new, or something that's gotten worse over time?

 

I have to agree with Elaine that this might just come down to the both of you not being compatible at this point in your lives. You want a more present husband or at least a husband who shows interest in doing recreational activities with you (which he doesn't), and he wants to go on vacation and hang out with his friends and it doesn't even sound like he makes any effort to include you.

 

I think your problem is deeper than him simply going on vacations without you. The way he's behaving is not how a spouse, man or woman, should behave in a marriage. You don't just repeatedly take vacations with friends without informing your spouse simply because you can. Then on top of that, not try to include the spouse and then disrespectfully blow them off when they try to address the issue.

 

You don't need to get over your resentment of what your husband is doing. You should be resentful. Hell you should be angry. However, you've made your feelings about it clear to him and it sounds like he threw you a very small bone in response (besides when he's blown you off).

 

What you're going to have to ask yourself is how long you're willing to put up with this. Because it doesn't sound like your husband has any interest in changing his behaviors. What are you prepared to do if he never does?

[lilypad10]

Well have you told your husband that you would like to learn to ski? What did he say?

 

I'm not interested in having all of the same interests as him. I don't find it obligatory to learn. It's important for us to do things separately -- just not 30 vacation days with his friends versus 7 with me in a 5 month time span.

[lilypad10]

Sounds like your husband has his priorities down. You just aren't one of them. The way you describe the dynamics of your marriage sounds dysfunctional. Your husband sounds like he's 35 going on 23. If he wants to act like he's single then he shouldn't have gotten married to begin with. Although I am curious if this has been a pattern throughout your relationship even before marriage, something new, or something that's gotten worse over time?

 

I have to agree with Elaine that this might just come down to the both of you not being compatible at this point in your lives. You want a more present husband or at least a husband who shows interest in doing recreational activities with you (which he doesn't), and he wants to go on vacation and hang out with his friends and it doesn't even sound like he makes any effort to include you.

 

I think your problem is deeper than him simply going on vacations without you. The way he's behaving is not how a spouse, man or woman, should behave in a marriage. You don't just repeatedly take vacations with friends without informing your spouse simply because you can. Then on top of that, not try to include the spouse and then disrespectfully blow them off when they try to address the issue.

 

You don't need to get over your resentment of what your husband is doing. You should be resentful. Hell you should be angry. However, you've made your feelings about it clear to him and it sounds like he threw you a very small bone in response (besides when he's blown you off).

 

What you're going to have to ask yourself is how long you're willing to put up with this. Because it doesn't sound like your husband has any interest in changing his behaviors. What are you prepared to do if he never does?

 

I completely agree with the immaturity factor. One thing I hadn't mentioned before -- he got divorced the year before we met. The way he tells me the story, she "forced" him to give up his friends and spend all of his free time with her and her friends. Now he is dedicating his life to the pursuit of his interests, likely as vindication from his perceived oppression in that previous marriage. Now I'm paying for it.

 

What am I prepared to do? If he can't even feign interest in our next vacation together, I'm out. I am due for a job promotion which will involve a move to a different state. He does not need to take that next step with me.

[sandylee1]

Since other women are going why don't you learn the sport so you can go and spend time with him on these vacations?

Or go and enjoy the cosiness of the log cabin.

 

I think the truth is that he doesn't want you to go with him, but it could be fun learning to ski. Give it a go. If you're interested, you can take lessons before you get there on indoor ski centres.

 

Are any of his other friends married?

If so do you know their wives or partners?

 

I'd try and get closer to the group and you might be able to find out a lot more than you know.

 

The problem here is he has a hobby, that takes up a good deal of his time and he has no intention of stopping.

 

Even if you choose to stay, you'll become very resentful and bitter towards him, and that will create more problems.

 

It seems strange that he's ramped up his hobby and going away after marriage.

 

 

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, because I'm quite independent and would just make my own plans and pin him down to dates for 'our vacation'.

 

Finances permitting I'd go on even more trips away than him and I'd actively make sure I had a sport or hobby of my own.

 

Maybe I'm too cynical, but his attitude towards you on this topic, suggests he gains more enjoyment from it (the people on it), and than he does from you, despite what he says.

 

Action speaks louder than words. There's nothing stopping him posting a few instagram pics and sharing the nights with one of the girls on the trip.

 

I saw a thread elsewhere from an OW, who was able to spend a lot of time with the MM as a result of their shared sporting hobby. She even befriended the wife who didn't suspect a thing, until dday happened.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I would just get my gfs together and go on 2 and 3 week vacations too. He is not going to stop and has made that clear to you.

 

 

I woiuld do this, only not with girlfriends. I would book a trip somewhere tropical and awesome BY MYSELF, and not say a word about it. Maybe text him from the airport letting him know I'll ba back from Jamaica in a week.

 

Let him stew on that for a week, and THEN talk it over.

 

Some people need to be hit over the head with their own medicine.

[camillalev]

I'm always the one to end the arguments by acknowledging his side, backing off, and giving him a hug or some reconciliatory gesture. He usually acts especially nice to me for 2-3 days after.

 

Please stop letting him walk all over you like this.

 

 

I missed this until other posters pointed this out, but he averages 2 of these trips a month and they're coed?? Hmm...

 

Sounds like he doesn't care about you, but likes having the stability of marriage and knowing the wife is tucked away at home, while also being able to act like a single man with no one to consider but himself.

 

Also,in my experience when men complain about exes(esp multiple exes) in this way more often then not they were the problem not the women.

[camillalev]

I woiuld do this, only not with girlfriends. I would book a trip somewhere tropical and awesome BY MYSELF, and not say a word about it. Maybe text him from the airport letting him know I'll ba back from Jamaica in a week.

 

Let him stew on that for a week, and THEN talk it over.

 

Some people need to be hit over the head with their own medicine.

 

I fully endorse this. When is your next vacation day? Do it. Even if its just for a long weekend.

[lilypad10]

Please stop letting him walk all over you like this.

 

 

I missed this until other posters pointed this out, but he averages 2 of these trips a month and they're coed?? Hmm...

 

Sounds like he doesn't care about you, but likes having the stability of marriage and knowing the wife is tucked away at home, while also being able to act like a single man with no one to consider but himself.

 

Also,in my experience when men complain about exes(esp multiple exes) in this way more often then not they were the problem not the women.

 

I totally buy that. Having a woman at home for stability. AND the fact that this woman happens to make three times as much as he does is also a good thing.

[JS84]

I completely agree with the immaturity factor. One thing I hadn't mentioned before -- he got divorced the year before we met. The way he tells me the story, she "forced" him to give up his friends and spend all of his free time with her and her friends. Now he is dedicating his life to the pursuit of his interests, likely as vindication from his perceived oppression in that previous marriage. Now I'm paying for it.

 

Do you think it's possible that he got divorced because he did the exact same thing in his previous marriage that he's doing now? I mean imagine if you divorced him for the reasons that you've put forth in this thread, what do you think he would tell his next potential partner the reason was based on what you know about him and his behavior? He doesn't sound like he's the type to admit any fault.

[lilypad10]

Do you think it's possible that he got divorced because he did the exact same thing in his previous marriage that he's doing now? I mean imagine if you divorced him for the reasons that you've put forth in this thread, what do you think he would tell his next potential partner the reason was based on what you know about him and his behavior? He doesn't sound like he's the type to admit any fault.

 

Although he says that the reason he got divorced from his first wife was that she pressured him to leave all of his friends to spend time with her, I have a feeling it was probably the same issue. His mother tells me that he did not show that wife the attention that she thought she deserved. Perhaps in the beginning he caved and spent the appropriate amount of time with a wife that other men do, then felt like he was losing is independence and the pendulum swung so far the other way that she left him. Which is what I'm about to do.

 

He will NEVER admit fault. You are absolutely right about that.

[BaileyB]

One thing I hadn't mentioned before -- he got divorced the year before we met. The way he tells me the story, she "forced" him to give up his friends and spend all of his free time with her and her friends. Now he is dedicating his life to the pursuit of his interests, likely as vindication from his perceived oppression in that previous marriage. Now I'm paying for it.

 

Bingo! This is a man who thinks he wants to be married and enjoy the comforts of married life, while still enjoying the single life of hobbies and travel with his mates.

 

And while I believe that it's healthy to maintain separate hobbies and friends, even do the occasional separate trip with friends, this kind of behavior would not be ok with me. I would hope that when he made the decision to commit his life to someone, he would WANT to share his time and his interests with his partner - to have experiences together and share in the fun.

 

There should be a little more commitment and compromise on his part... but that will be difficult to do if he has a very selfish and immature belief that marriage restricts your freedom and he is rebelling against that. He needs to learn that there can be freedom within a relationship, but is comes with some commitment and sacrifice.

 

I would argue that going on one or two trips with his friends instead of five would be a reasonable sacrifice. While, I would suggest that planning a trip with his wife should not be seen as a sacrifice...

Edited March 4, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

I would not be surprised if there is not sex somewhere in the mix here.

I would guess either one of the "handful of girls" is his OW and she may have been there all through his first marriage too, or he is living life as a single man on vacation picking up girls in bars and clubs. I do not know where he is going skiing to, but most resorts have lots of apres-ski venues & events where alcohol flows freely and singles abound...

[lilypad10]

I would not be surprised if there is not sex somewhere in the mix here.

I would guess either one of the "handful of girls" is his OW and she may have been there all through his first marriage too, or he is living life as a single man on vacation picking up girls in bars and clubs. I do not know where he is going skiing to, but most resorts have lots of apres-ski venues & events where alcohol flows freely and singles abound...

 

Could be, I suppose. I do know that all of the girls on the trip that he's on right now brought their boyfriends.

[BluesPower]

I would not be surprised if there is not sex somewhere in the mix here.

I would guess either one of the "handful of girls" is his OW and she may have been there all through his first marriage too, or he is living life as a single man on vacation picking up girls in bars and clubs. I do not know where he is going skiing to, but most resorts have lots of apres-ski venues & events where alcohol flows freely and singles abound...

 

Elaine, there you go again, assuming that the guy is sleeping around. LOL.

 

Of course you are completely correct. He is.

 

OP, this guy has no business being married to you or any other woman. You seriously need to dump him ASAP, he is not marriage material...

[elaine567]

Elaine, there you go again, assuming that the guy is sleeping around. LOL.

 

Of course you are completely correct. He is.

LS has taught me a lot.

I used to think all men were completely faithful...

 

I just think here there seems to be almost a desperation to have as many holidays as possible in a very short period of time, with his wife firmly excluded. Whilst that drive may come from an obsession with skiing it just seems to be more likely to come from a more basic instinct.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure men are more or less faithful that women.

 

I wonder what the stats on that actually are?

 

 

I don't think either sex is faithful all the time. It seems to be the human condition...

[sandylee1]

Aaaaahhhh, it's all clear from your update about his divorce.

 

He was the same in his first marriage and hasn't changed. He deliberately didn't show you this side of himself being fanatical, because you wouldn't have married him.

 

No kids, you earn three times what he does! I'd be long gone and leave him to ski and bike till his hearts content.

 

This man married to have home comfort and a wife to pay her way, allowing him to afford these numerous vacations.

 

Without you, he'd be unlikely to afford these vacations.

 

I think your promotion and move are a good time to cut loose, unless he is prepared to change

[stillafool]

I completely agree with the immaturity factor. One thing I hadn't mentioned before -- he got divorced the year before we met. The way he tells me the story, she "forced" him to give up his friends and spend all of his free time with her and her friends. Now he is dedicating his life to the pursuit of his interests, likely as vindication from his perceived oppression in that previous marriage. Now I'm paying for it.

 

.

 

This should have been a red flag to you if you wanted a lot of together time with him because by his statement that wasn't going to happen. Did he go away with friends when you were dating?

[BettyDraper]

You're teaching your husband that he can take advantage of you.

There's no reason why a married man should be taking frequent co-ed vacations!

 

Being unable to admit fault is childish. Your husband is not mature enough for marriage; he wants to live like a frat boy while having a wife at home who will look after him. Life events such as marriage and children change social lives.

 

It doesn't sound like this marriage can be saved. Since your husband is unwilling to admit that he is wrong and refuses to respect your reasonable boundaries, continuing this marriage would only result in more aggravation for both of you.

[EZNona]

Aaaaahhhh, it's all clear from your update about his divorce.

 

He was the same in his first marriage and hasn't changed. He deliberately didn't show you this side of himself being fanatical, because you wouldn't have married him.

 

No kids, you earn three times what he does! I'd be long gone and leave him to ski and bike till his hearts content.

 

This man married to have home comfort and a wife to pay her way, allowing him to afford these numerous vacations.

 

Without you, he'd be unlikely to afford these vacations.

 

I think your promotion and move are a good time to cut loose, unless he is prepared to change

 

 

All this wrapped up in a bow!

 

What kind of job does he have that allows him to be on vacation so much??

Either he is philandering around, not into women, or just looking for someone to pay his way. Probably at least 2 out of 3 if you ask me.

 

But it sounds like you may have no issue with walking away from this guy. Doesn't seem to be a fulfilling relationship for you if he's gone all the time making plans and memories that don't involved YOU.

 

Selfish to the core.

 

Get your promotion and keep it moving!!