NewfieEd Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Hi, I've been dating a girl for a few months. It has had its ups and downs I've figured a few times it would end. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship early on because she was just out of a 5 year relationship. Anyway, we are still dating, hanging out almost every day and constantly talking and texting. Last night she was at my house and I said I need an honest answer, what is this and where is it going? She looked at me and said "I'm not sure where I am right now, if the girl of your dreams comes along tomorrow then go for her." I said "so this is over and I should put myself back out there?" She responds with "I don't want that, it would crush me to see you with someone else, I really have feelings for you, I'm just not ready to settle down into something serious" I said so do you even want to be with me "she said yes, I do, I just don't want things to change from the way they have been but I feel you are ready to settle down and go on with your life, kids etc." I said so if I call you tomorrow you want to hang out, she said "yes for sure". I just don't know what this means. Is she trying to put me down lightly? Is she confused? I used to be a player and she knows of my reputation, I tell her the past is in the past and she's the one I've been concentrating on. I don't know if she's caught up in that as one night she said to me while drinking "I just don't want to be hurt again". What is really going on here ?
Redhead14 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Hi, I've been dating a girl for a few months. It has had its ups and downs I've figured a few times it would end. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship early on because she was just out of a 5 year relationship. Anyway, we are still dating, hanging out almost every day and constantly talking and texting. Last night she was at my house and I said I need an honest answer, what is this and where is it going? She looked at me and said "I'm not sure where I am right now, if the girl of your dreams comes along tomorrow then go for her." I said "so this is over and I should put myself back out there?" She responds with "I don't want that, it would crush me to see you with someone else, I really have feelings for you, I'm just not ready to settle down into something serious" I said so do you even want to be with me "she said yes, I do, I just don't want things to change from the way they have been but I feel you are ready to settle down and go on with your life, kids etc." I said so if I call you tomorrow you want to hang out, she said "yes for sure". I just don't know what this means. Is she trying to put me down lightly? Is she confused? I used to be a player and she knows of my reputation, I tell her the past is in the past and she's the one I've been concentrating on. I don't know if she's caught up in that as one night she said to me while drinking "I just don't want to be hurt again". What is really going on here ? She doesn't trust you or herself . . . move on.
Purepony Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 It sounds like you're putting this girl on a pedestal, play your cards right move on and keep her on the side if she wants to be there and it sounds like she does maybe she's just used to being on the side who knows in the meantime like she said if the right one comes along go for it if she complains tell her hey you told me to go for
SevenCity Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You got neeedy and desperate and it pushed her away. Trying to lock her down to a commitment she isn't ready for. She told you up front she wasn't ready - you should believe her.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You got neeedy and desperate and it pushed her away. Trying to lock her down to a commitment she isn't ready for. She told you up front she wasn't ready - you should believe her. I agree that she wasn't ready but not at the implication here that he pushed her away. She already wasn't all in. Nothing he did or didn't do was going to change that. He asked a simple, and legitimate, question. Now you have your answer, OP, although technically you already did, as the poster above has stated. She said from the beginning she wasn't ready, which is code for "don't want." The girl of your dreams comment was so throw-away, I'd ditch her, personally, based on that alone. Uncalled for. HOW useless does she really think you are, to say something like that? Move on. There's a great woman out there for you. 1
GoldSparkz Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Sounds like you've met your match. You say that you're used to being a player, so a woman who is not all that committed comes along and now you're the one feeling insecure. I suspect the reason for her pushing and pulling is because she has only recently come out of a long term relationship where she ended up getting hurt. That coupled with your reputation doesn't make for a great start to a relationship. I would just give her some space to get over her past relationship and then work out what she wants to do with her life.
TheBathWater Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 If she keeps coming to you and you guys are regularly sexual/romantic, then that is a good sign. From what you said, I don't have reason to believe she is not interested in you. You've obviously caught feelings for this woman, which is cool, but it feels conflictual if she is not on the same page. Us guys, especially the ones with a player history, are used to being in the power position. You're finding yourself in a relationship where she has the power to hurt you more than her, and that feels scary. The question is: are you okay or not with continuing things as they are without the certainty of what your future with her will look like? If you can find a way to relax a little and shrug off any worries about commitment (I know that's tough) then I can't see things getting worse. If you continue to push for a relationship though, either explicitly or implicitly, she'll feel pressured and I think that will decrease your chances. 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You got neeedy and desperate and it pushed her away. Trying to lock her down to a commitment she isn't ready for. She told you up front she wasn't ready - you should believe her. He didnt get needy or desperate with this..... Its far to ask her such a question at this point...she is behaving like its a relationship and wants all the benefits of companionship but is fearful of committment because of what ever happened in the 5 yr relationship. Given she said what she did---if someone comes along stuff----back off from her and tell her you care for her but you have to move on o someone who actually wants a serious relationship. Personally if I met her and knew she just came out of a 5 yr relationship I wouldnt have persued her. Id give her my number.....when she was ready for a relationship.
act00 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 So in the past you were a player. You meet this great girl, and suddenly you're thinking about marriage, family, a house with a white picket fence, the whole 9 yards? Or commitment? And she's not ready for that. Are you ready for that? Are you REALLY ready for that? Because if you are, it's time to move on and find someone who is in the same mindset as you. If you're not, you and she may enjoy your time together as it is...maybe until she's ready...or maybe you (or her) will feel the need to move on. Are you insecure because she isn't fawning and devoted to you while you do your own thing, as other girls have been in your player days? I think TunaInTheBrine is spot on. 1
Simple Logic Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 You say you have dared a few months, which I interp as 3-6 months. You are pushing things a little fast with someone just out of a 5 yr deal.
TheBathWater Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Given she said what she did---if someone comes along stuff----back off from her and tell her you care for her but you have to move on o someone who actually wants a serious relationship. I wouldn't rush him to leave her, but I would suggest he take a couple of weeks to feel out whether or not he wants to stay in the situation he's in. I've seen people stick around and things work out, so there's that chance it could if he is able to tolerate that phase of uncertainty for however long it lasts. But then I guess he'd still be feeling in the one-down position. OP, this might sound like a stretch, but is there any chance you could date other women while still seeing her?
Mkn1010 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I think this is a bit of a no-win situation. If you date other women or step back a little, there is the possibility that any doubts/anxieties/trust issues in her will just be triggered more so and she'll be LESS inclined to open up to being vulnerable with you given her breakup. That's personally how I felt trying to date again after my 5 year LTR ended. Any uncertainty I gauged from the other person's actions and I'd be too stressed to even think of investing. But everybody is different and there is no right approach with this one depending on 'how you play it'. That puts too much responsibility on your shoulders and YOU will feel like you blew it, were too pushy etc etc, if it doesn't work out. When really this is ALL on her. My honest opinion is that, if you really like her, you need to end it by telling her very clearly why. That leaves the regretful feelings (if any) all on her shoulders. If she wants you, she will be back.
anzhoulau Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 OP, I think the girl is interested in you but clearly has hesitations to get into a serious relationship, for whatever reason, her past long rs, or your past reputation. Given the current situation, I guess there are only 2 options for you: 1. Tolerant with her uncertainty and give her space. If she wants a relationship with you, she will, but maybe months after; 2. If you want a relationship right now, clearly tell her and move on find another one who wants a relationship now. If it's the case of me, I would give her two more months (or whatever timeline you think is appropriate), during which I take initiatives, make plans, and tell her how I feel being together with her and try to prove that you are ended with player history and now is capable of a serious relationship. After that two month mark, if she still has hesitation, then clearly she has her own problems to sort out and that's not what you can help with, and it's time to move on. 1
Author NewfieEd Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 Not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not. I stopped writing her yesterday and we haven't talked or texted. I figure if she's interested in still talking, I'll put the ball in her court to write me.
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) If she's had bad relationships in the past, she is less likely to launch herself into a new one. She is more likely to see how it goes and see if you maintain the loving and interested approach. If she has any experience with guys, she will probably think that as an ex-player you would lose interest in her if you thought she was vested in you. That's what players do - chase and catch then move on to the next one. If you really mean you want this girl, then it will take time to convince her. Or, she may simply not trust anyone to want to stay with her and is protecting herself from getting too involved emotionally. If you were a player, she has good reason to protect herself. She has said she would be upset if you went but she is giving you the freedom to do that. It is hard to know whether that is because she does not feel enough for you or if she is defending herself in advance against you suddenly deciding you are bored with her and moving on. I can understand how you feel. If it is the 3-6 month stage, then she may not be ready for any serious commitment. You can expect her to be exclusive with you if you are sleeping with her, but huge emotional commitment at this point might be a step too far. She may not be sure whether she can trust you with her heart and so is giving you chance to leave her if you want to. You can show her by your actions you want to be with her and that you value her. You don't have to be overly soppy, just be there for her - support her when she has problems, help her out, take her out and treat her as special (this doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful) - but don't swamp her either. She needs space to miss your company sometimes and the special times with you. I think if you can cope with this uncertainty for a month or so longer, you might find she trusts you more and is willing to become more involved. I can well understand you feeling anxious and wanting something definite though. Edited March 4, 2017 by spiderowl
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