how do I stop building her up in my mind?

[ChuckDee33]

I guess I want to know how can you tell if you really miss your ex or is it just the idea of them? My ex left me about a year ago and I still have demons to deal with today. I did the rebound thing, went out with one other girl a couple of times and that's it. All I can think about is all the memories I have with her...there are SO many. They just wash over me all the time and I can't help but start to feel down. I want my memories erased like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind''. Seriously.

 

We've been in limited email/phone contact...but I think she just wants to know I still care and will be around when she wants me to. I wish I knew for sure if I've just been building her up in my mind for nothing. I feel like my thoughts and feelings for her have kept me from getting out there and meeting someone else. I feel stuck in this place and it sucks. I used to cry constantly but i haven't shed a tear in like 4 months or so. Trust me, I've improved greatly from the beginning. But after a year I still am not over her by far.

 

We both made mistakes in the relationship but I know I could have been a better boyfriend at times. It was my first real relationship and we were each other's first true loves. I'm telling you it was very passionate the first year but trailed off the last 6 or 7 months after that. She just turned 21, I'm 25. I know I can't blame myself for her decision. There are so many underlying reasons why we aren't together now.

 

We haven't seen each other in over 3 months. I can't shake it how much I miss this girl. I know I should remind myself of the bad parts of the relationship but my mind just wants to remember the good parts. I dunno...how can I get over her for real? I try and tell myself over and over that I just have to take her off the pedestal I've put her on. She is a great girl and I love her very much. She wasn't mean or hurtful to me. I have no reason to hate her...except for breaking my heart when she left me. But I can't really hate her for doing that. How can I get her off this pedestal in my mind???

 

I tried NC several times but then she emailed or called....and always got me to respond when she felt she was losing me for real. It's a vicious cycle really. Like she can't let me go but only holds on enough to keep me in her life while she's started life in another relationship. (that's a whole different story).

 

I wish she would just tell me how she really feels. I know if we saw each other something physical would happen. That's why we haven't seen each other in so long because we don't want to "jeopardize each other's situations". I would literally jump at the opportunity to see her even though I'm uncertain of the consequences.

 

I suppose many will suggest start strict NC again and don't answer when she tries to get in touch. I guess that's the only way to know for sure how she feels. I did STRICT NC for nearly a month until she emailed me. That was right around the time I moved an hour away. That was two months ago. She roped me in and let me go again after I said she could call me. It's like she was practically begging that we could still talk and so I say OK let's still talk. I haven't got an email or call from her since then. WTF!? It's a slap in the face, it makes me feel stupid! If I only had stuck with it...the situation would probably be the same on her side (ie still with the new bf) but at least I wouldn't have let that happen.

 

I'm not a religious person but dammit I pray every day for SOMEHOW, SOME WAY the strength to get through this comes my way. I can't help but miss her but wow I gotta get this monkey off my back once and for all! Lay it on me people, please.

[Oddone]

Hey;

 

First of all, even though it feels like it, it's not as bad as it seems. As an older guy who has been through one or two breakups, I know how these things can linger and overcome you. I have found that the best strategy to deal with the emotional roller coaster is to indulge the downs with the ups. The body and mind have a way of moving us through stages in life and allows your spirit to mend if you let it.

 

Once the waves are past, you can reflect on these periods of life and feel good about getting through them and being in a better place. Trust me, there will be a better place if you don't allow yourself to be consumed by the moment (wether its a week, a month or a year even, believe me it will seem like a moment it the context of your whole life and experiences when you reflect on it).

 

One thing does sound odd and that is that your ex seems to controlling the circumstances by maintaining a level of contact with you which clearly makes you uneasy and prolongs your agony. I think some brutal honest talk is needed. She needs to know what this does to you and how it makes you feel. You need to be honest with yourself and see this for what it is. It seems she enjoys a certain level of control over your emotions. Perhaps it strokes her ego to know that she can make you jump with a simple email or phone call. This is not right.

 

My fiance has a friend who had fallen in love with a young man early on in her life but it did not work out as he could not committ to her. They have maintained contact over the years and you can tell from the conversations my fiance has with her that she still longs for him in many ways and perhaps is waiting for the day he finally walks back into her life and fulfills her dreams. She now approaches her mid 30's and this has been going on since her 20's! She has met some men in between but soemhow these relationships don't work out and the sporadic emails and phone calls from this "first love" keep coming. I don't think she can think clearly in this environment and she has to free herself of it.

 

You might be in the same place. Don't let her control you. Take charge of the situation. Stop returning the calls and emails, cold turkey, or atleast place conditions on them whereby both parties reveal and know where they stand. Maybe she just wants to be friends and doesn't realize you still harbor strong feelings for her? Once you both know where you stand, you can move on.

 

I wish you luck. You are not alone. These things do get better with time (forever it seems I know). For now, ride the waves. Cry if you want to cry, but don't forget to laugh and enjoy the fun parts in between. Good time to indulge some of your goals in life. Learn to sail, write a book, change your hairstyle...whatever. Do something for yourself and get your mind off the negatives.

 

You'll be fine.

[ChuckDee33]

Thanks Odd. It's probably true about her controlling my emotions like that. I don't think she means to do it but she's just in the easy position for it to happen so it does.

 

Trust me, she definitely knows I still harbor romantic feelings for her. She knows we can't be just friends. I don't believe the feelings have gone away from her completely either. That's part of the reason why we can't see each other. It's like she's in this safety zone now with her new bf and me...probably gets what she needs from both of us without having to deal with the stuff I do.

 

I'm tempted to say All or Nothing to her. But then again I'm tempted to just keep my mouth shut from now on.

[Drivetildriven]

Wow Chuck, that's the closest story to my own I've read yet. I don't know what to do either.