nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I met a (I think?) great guy on an online dating website. We went out a bunch and had a great time. His job requires him to travel and he is traveling for 2 months. He invited me to come visit over the last weekend so I went. Previously he had sent me a sweet card telling me how he had enjoyed getting to meet me and hoping I'd come visit etc. So I was feeling really good going into this relationship. Soooooo I went to visit. He leaves for work at 4:45 am and returns various times but anywhere from 3-6 pm. I was fine entertaining myself and even cooked him dinner the last night I was there because I knew how tired he'd be. So I thought we had a good time. I left a card with a note telling him how great of a time I had and enjoyed spending time with him and looked forward to seeing him when he came home. So he texted me in the morning to make sure I got to the airport safely. Then he texted me in the evening to make sure I landed okay. I sent him a text asking if he had gotten rest etc. and he said he was just beat. Here's my problem. I have no idea if he's still interested in me. I know I look psychotic sending him a text "so you still interested or what?" Rather than just letting it play out and see what happens. I should mention all of my past relationships end abruptly with me wondering what happened and what I did. So I do have that baggage in the back of my head. My gut is telling me he's going to ghost away leaving me to wonder what went wrong. I can't stop analyzing and overthinking and I don't know what to think...thoughts?
CptInsano Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You have been ghosted before, so of course your gut is going to tell you that you're going to be ditched. The real problem is his work situation, meaning that you are not able to spend any meaningful amount of time with him for the next two months, and won't find out if you two are truly a fit until then. Is that uncertainty something that you can live with?
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You are your own worst enemy. Unless there's something you're not telling us, he has done nothing but all the right things. He checked on you to see you got home alright and everything. If you are just fearful because of things have happened in the past, then you need to control yourself and not let your insecurity run him off, because that is what will happen and you will be at fault. He has done nothing to merit you writing a desperate text or email saying "Are you still interested?" Do you know how pathetic that is? I'm sorry if you feel like that, but you cannot act like you feel like that or he will know you are a bottomless pit of insecurity, and no one wants to be with that. So get yourself in hand and control your actions. 4
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I'm not going to text him that as I know I would look crazy. However it's just the lack of anything that's making me crazy. Like a "glad you came" anything to let me know he enjoyed me being there an is still interested. I understand my past will haunt me and I need to get it under control but you don't think it's a bit unusual to just say something like I had fun while you were here? Anything?
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I know I know. I just want some sort of validation like he enjoyed me being there. Something. Anything. I don't think that's unrealistic.
CptInsano Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I know I know. I just want some sort of validation like he enjoyed me being there. Something. Anything. I don't think that's unrealistic. That depends on his communication style. For some men asking whether you made it home safely is overly sentimental. I'm not much of a texter myself, and I would simply call him to see how he is doing. I learn a lot more from how somebody talks to me.
RecentChange Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Ever hear the term actions speak louder than words? Did he seem like he enjoyed your company? Has he been warm or cold towards you? It sounds like you may not be very good at reading people. Either he has quite a poker face, or you aren't reading him. 1
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I did think he was having a good time. I did ask him when he got tired how he behaved and he said he got quiet. So I wasn't sure if that was what felt off to me. Perhaps you're right, maybe I'm terrible at reading people and I thought things were going well and they weren't.
RecentChange Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Or maybe things are going just fine, and your anxiety is painting a different picture in your head. But I do think having a history of relationships ending abruptly without you understanding what happened may point to a pattern of not reading people well. There are usually indicators that someone is pulling away, or that things aren't going well.
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 But I do think having a history of relationships ending abruptly without you understanding what happened may point to a pattern of not reading people well. There are usually indicators that someone is pulling away, or that things aren't going well. It could be true but the last relationship my BF was texting me about a BBQ the next day and then called me that morning and said he couldn't do it. He had also planned a vacation the following weekend. So perhaps I don't have my radar up as much as i should but that was kind of out of the blue. I don't know. My gut is saying he's not interested and my heart/head needs to listen this time. I'm crushed. I really thought he was different and really liked me.
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I'm not going to text him that as I know I would look crazy. However it's just the lack of anything that's making me crazy. Like a "glad you came" anything to let me know he enjoyed me being there an is still interested. I understand my past will haunt me and I need to get it under control but you don't think it's a bit unusual to just say something like I had fun while you were here? Anything? To a man, checking to see you got home is protecting you and that alone says he likes you. Do not expect men to be all mushy and say mushy things, and even if they do, it could all be them just playing you for sex. This man's polite follow up shows respect and isn't over the top or angling for anything. He seems nice. Don't blow it. If you need to go to a therapist and get some anxiety meds, do it.
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 But I do think having a history of relationships ending abruptly without you understanding what happened may point to a pattern of not reading people well. There are usually indicators that someone is pulling away, or that things aren't going well. It could be true but the last relationship my BF was texting me about a BBQ the next day and then called me that morning and said he couldn't do it. He had also planned a vacation the following weekend. So perhaps I don't have my radar up as much as i should but that was kind of out of the blue. I don't know. My gut is saying he's not interested and my heart/head needs to listen this time. I'm crushed. I really thought he was different and really liked me. You need help. He has done NOTHING to merit you thinking this about him. 1
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You went out on one date, then you hop on a plane to play house with a guy you only met once, and know very little about? I really can't fathom how you expect some big romance coming out of that. IMO you are just setting yourself up as a FWB. You want a man to pursue you in the right way, it's not what you can do for him, but what he can do for you. All you got out of him was a brunch.....you hop on a plane and cook him dinner...say what? you crazy, that's something you do for your BF, not some guy you just met. Let him chase you for awhile, and stop being so available to men....
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 You went out on one date, then you hop on a plane to play house with a guy you only met once, and know very little about? I really can't fathom how you expect some big romance coming out of that. IMO you are just setting yourself up as a FWB. You want a man to pursue you in the right way, it's not what you can do for him, but what he can do for you. All you got out of him was a brunch.....you hop on a plane and cook him dinner...say what? you crazy, that's something you do for your BF, not some guy you just met. Let him chase you for awhile, and stop being so available to men.... That's actually not the situation at all. We had been dating for months before he left. He will be gone for 2 months so the only way to see each other was for me to fly down there. He invited me down so I figured why not go on the adventure. Perhaps you're correct but I thought it was a chance to take since we had been having so much fun together.
Author nasc88 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 You need help. He has done NOTHING to merit you thinking this about him. I don't think it's right to insult people by saying I need help. I'm on here because it's been helpful in the past to have people who are not biased towards me give me feedback. I'm trying to figure out if I'm over reacting (WHICH I said I do) or if it sounds like he isn't interested. I'm just looking for advice not insults.
CloudyHead Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I agree that actions speak louder than words. Based on your post, he seems like a nice guy and did check on you. Just relax and enjoy having him in your life.
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I don't think it's right to insult people by saying I need help. I'm on here because it's been helpful in the past to have people who are not biased towards me give me feedback. I'm trying to figure out if I'm over reacting (WHICH I said I do) or if it sounds like he isn't interested. I'm just looking for advice not insults. Why I got blunt with you is because in spite of what everyone has said and advised, it's like you aren't even reading it and just keep saying the same thing over and over. You have this irrational script going, and if you don't make it stop, you're going to create what you fear most. These kind of unfounded accusations and need to be constantly reassured and then you still don't listen to them will run just about any man off. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Yes, you are over-reacting. I don't see why you're assuming he's not into you. There is nothing in your post to indicate he's lost interest. Your past should not be tainting your present to this degree, but if you're letting it, you might want to reconsider dating until you get your emotional stuff settled. That's not meant as a criticism, but an honest suggestion. You'll never make it past the first few dates if you're this anxious. Don't sabotage this.
anzhoulau Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 OP, I am sorry that you have this feeling. But to me you are a bit over reacting. A man who goes on a 2-month trip invites you over, to me that means he likes you and wants to meet you. A man who checks on whether you got home safe means he cares about you. I understand sometimes we just need a "word" to assure everything is fine, but in most cases, no "word" does not mean everything is not fine. From your description, the guy sounds nice and caring. Just relax and enjoy it. 1
Emaize3 Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I just want you to know that I totally understand how you feel. I've had many men just ghost me when I thought things were great. Read my most recent post- dating for 6 months- happy- I expressed a simple need from him and ghosted, just like that. I'm completely ruined from how these men treated me. So many people don't understand me when I go into panic mode, so I just want you to know that I understand you 100%. Now - I'm sure everything is fine if nothing unusual happened but it's hard to just relax sometimes. Hugs!
TheTraveler Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 That's actually not the situation at all. We had been dating for months before he left. He will be gone for 2 months so the only way to see each other was for me to fly down there. He invited me down so I figured why not go on the adventure. Perhaps you're correct but I thought it was a chance to take since we had been having so much fun together. So send him a text? Schedule a phone call when you both are free to chat? Write an email? Do something?
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