Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Information : We've been together two years. Bf is 21 , college student. Lives at home. Im 24, I work full time and take a class or two to finish my degree ( im 3 classes away from an overall useless degree but I want to finish it for my own self fulfillment) I have a very ****ty home life. Cramped apartment in nyc with my extremely autistic 36 year old brother , anger filled 18 year old brother, a bipolar mother. I never had a room. We were all cramped (4 people including my sister who moved out)into one tiny room and we shared beds. After my dad passed I began sharing a bed with my mother. My mother is also not very mentally stable and she curses at me alot. I worry one day she will kick me out . I overheard her saythe only reason she hasnt is because she feels bad about me being homeless. Ive been trying for years to move out but every attempt failed. I even got kicked outta school for low grades and lost my grant. After years and years of trying I finally got a job thatll let me move out in this ****ty city (NYC). Not alone of course but in the poorer part with a roommate. Ive always lived in the ghetto so whatever. Apartments here at $1400 plus a month. I couldnt find a roommate and I just kept reading horror stories from strangers. I didnt want to move in with a stranger. Thats terrifying....then my boyfriend offered to move in with me.. I was over the moon. My bf and I have a fantastic relationship and we are so alike we sometimes even say things at the same time..its freaky. The only arguments we've ever had were to due to video games( light petty ones) We see each other just about everyday. Never getting tired and never a dull moment without laughter. He was my first time and didnt mind waiting or never getting sex. This was very important for me considering my last relationship was the guy pressuring me into sex to the point where it became manipulation and he tried to take advantage of me in a crisis. Anyways i could want nothing more then to move in with the love of my life. The man who says he wants to marry me and will do anything for me. I could finally move out and begin my life. Something I've only dreamed of each night. We began to save 6 months worth of rent + more. We agreed that because he would be applying to nursing school, he could choose to work part time to focus on school ( he was working a partime job and in the process of starting a second part time being paid a decentwage) he also agreed that he wouldnt have much leftover after bills but he was okay with it. We brought pots and pans. We brought supplies. We emailed brokers and even set up an appointment with one to see an apartment. I saved every last penny. We budgeted. I was so excited. Now an important detail. I dont think his parents are crazy about me. They treat me nice enough in person but theyve never let me spend a night and perfer their son drives me home at 2am or in snow or in rain so long as I do not spend the night So the time finally came for him to tell him to tell his parents. They flipped. His mom began to cry saying he was ungrateful and that she didnt want him struggling out there. In the end they said if he were to move out they wouldcut him off completely, including his health insurance. Basically he backed off and tried to helpme find a roommate. He then tried to get his parents to rent me out an empty roomin their huge 3 story house. ( his mother was super on board after learning my situation but his father perfers to have an empty room and work 3 jobs to get by rather then let me in and continue to struggle financially. *******). That didnt work out. At first I kinda understoodbecause I dont have a family and I wouldnt want him to lose his family but as time went on and my back to back failures to find a hpusing situation occured... i kinda began to resent him. Why couldnt he make decision for himself? Why does his family govern his choices? Why couldnt he makechoices for him? How could he leaveme hanging? He lied. Ive kinda taken it out on him repeadly telling him ive lost faith in him and I cant consider him someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. What if he flakes outta paying bills in the future? Where is the commitment to begin with? I keep seeing my former classmates and friends posting about getting married or moving in together and I feel so much jealously its disgusting because I have a boyfriend who couldnt even keep a promise. All he says is that he knows he failed me and will change.... that he will be a man next time or some bull**** but the damage is done and ive lost count of how many times ive expressed the pain and anger. Now im saving up to leave the city to find somewhere affordable out of state and of course he will probably let me go. He says he will catch up to me . Pff yeah whatever. He rather just let me leave then to define mommy and daddy. I dont even know what to do. Sometimes we go back like nothing has happened but I cant let this go. Its not right. Am I wasting my time with someone who wont be commited?
O'Malley Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I understand why you're upset with him, but it sounds like he was trying to appease his family and still wanted to help you out. You're both young, housing is ridiculous where you live and there would have been a lot of stress added to your relationship if you had moved in together. People who live with partners have to scramble to find new roommates or crash on a friend's sofa when a breakup occurs. I'm sorry that, in the meantime, you're having to deal with such a stressful home situation. Regardless of what decision you make about your relationship, I'd go forward with your plans to relocate, even if it means finding a roommate. It's not going to be easy, but as the years pass you're going to feel more confident about yourself and your decisions by living independently.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You have to realize your BF didn't think things through on what the consequences would be if he moved out. Now I get his mom emotionally blackmailed him, BUT I get her point too. He's not financially ready to live on his own if he wants to have a solid future. How can he get a decent education if he has to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet? You are desperate to get out of your situation I get it, but it's not his problem...this is all on you. Life is tough yes, but you are in charge of your own destiny. You need to pull up your boot straps and get going looking for a job, and find a place to live. You are 24 years old, you are an adult and shouldn't be dependent on anyone. If you can't afford to live where you are you simply move somewhere else. You are in college? There are plenty of students that are looking for roommates. All is not hopeless. As for your BF, he's not ready or mature enough. When life gets tough, he will run back to mommy leaving you high and dry. You are better to stand on your own two feet. 2
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 You have to realize your BF didn't think things through on what the consequences would be if he moved out. Now I get his mom emotionally blackmailed him, BUT I get her point too. He's not financially ready to live on his own if he wants to have a solid future. How can he get a decent education if he has to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet? You are desperate to get out of your situation I get it, but it's not his problem...this is all on you. Life is tough yes, but you are in charge of your own destiny. You need to pull up your boot straps and get going looking for a job, and find a place to live. You are 24 years old, you are an adult and shouldn't be dependent on anyone. If you can't afford to live where you are you simply move somewhere else. You are in college? There are plenty of students that are looking for roommates. All is not hopeless. As for your BF, he's not ready or mature enough. When life gets tough, he will run back to mommy leaving you high and dry. You are better to stand on your own two feet. Thanks for your advice. Ive been trying for yearsto move out and clearly its my problem untilsomeone promises to move in with me. Then it becomes our problem. Anyways I wish it were as easy as that as people tend to have this notion that getting outta proverty is easy. Alsowe agreed he would work part time. Literally nothing in his life would chance except where his money is going
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I understand why you're upset with him, but it sounds like he was trying to appease his family and still wanted to help you out. You're both young, housing is ridiculous where you live and there would have been a lot of stress added to your relationship if you had moved in together. People who live with partners have to scramble to find new roommates or crash on a friend's sofa when a breakup occurs. I'm sorry that, in the meantime, you're having to deal with such a stressful home situation. Regardless of what decision you make about your relationship, I'd go forward with your plans to relocate, even if it means finding a roommate. It's not going to be easy, but as the years pass you're going to feel more confident about yourself and your decisions by living independently. Thanks for your reply. I wish it were that easy. I cant find a roommate that doesnt wantba **** buddy or isnt a complete strangerand honestly, i dont wanna end up in a mess like people i know whove moved in with strangers. So ill relocate...alone. Yay me
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 If all this has led up to you leaving the city for a cheaper place to live, then it was worth it. A place that forces you to live with family as an adult is not a good place to live. Maybe to visit regularly, though. He is still under his family's wing, and probably for the same reason. He's probably never really been able to get away from them enough to become independent yet. He isn't ready to be a head of a family or a partner in a union until he has some more maturity on him. Move away from New England to a more medium sized place. Before you go, apply for jobs all over the place. Check google to find out what cities are affordable and which ones aren't. Look for current data because for example Dallas was totally affordable two years ago and now it's sky high and unaffordable and awful. So find a job, then move as close to work as you can get. Use roommate.com or some other roommate app to find a good place to live. Think much bigger than in NYC so that you aren't packed in there like rats, though it's fair to say no one has apartments that small anywhere else. Many places homes are less expensive to share than apartments,and much much nicer and roomier. You might be able to afford a garage apartment or small studio apartment of your own, too. This is doable, but it's just scary. So get a job ahead of time. 2
kidm Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Thanks for your advice. Ive been trying for yearsto move out and clearly its my problem untilsomeone promises to move in with me. Then it becomes our problem. Anyways I wish it were as easy as that as people tend to have this notion that getting outta proverty is easy. Alsowe agreed he would work part time. Literally nothing in his life would chance except where his money is going This would only work if he parents agreed to continue to financially support him which they didn't. I feel for you and your situation and he shouldn't have agreed to something without thinking it through. It's understandable that you really want to get out of your current situation but you can't rely on a 21 year old who lives at home and is still supported by his parents to help you leave a bad situation. What decision did you want him to make? Leave his family behind, get cut off,struggle and possible ruin his future? A part of you can understand his decision? I hope things work out for you. At this point in your life, I think you should be looking out for numero uno (your boyfriend did the same)- your plans to relocate are commendable and I hope things work out for you. Best wishes!
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 If all this has led up to you leaving the city for a cheaper place to live, then it was worth it. A place that forces you to live with family as an adult is not a good place to live. Maybe to visit regularly, though. He is still under his family's wing, and probably for the same reason. He's probably never really been able to get away from them enough to become independent yet. He isn't ready to be a head of a family or a partner in a union until he has some more maturity on him. Move away from New England to a more medium sized place. Before you go, apply for jobs all over the place. Check google to find out what cities are affordable and which ones aren't. Look for current data because for example Dallas was totally affordable two years ago and now it's sky high and unaffordable and awful. So find a job, then move as close to work as you can get. Use roommate.com or some other roommate app to find a good place to live. Think much bigger than in NYC so that you aren't packed in there like rats, though it's fair to say no one has apartments that small anywhere else. Many places homes are less expensive to share than apartments,and much much nicer and roomier. You might be able to afford a garage apartment or small studio apartment of your own, too. This is doable, but it's just scary. So get a job ahead of time. I want to leave this city. I hate it but Ihavent finish scho and although my degree is useless ( psychology) I still wanna finish. Also finding a job wont be as easy outside of here. Im just ignorant to life outside this dump
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 This would only work if he parents agreed to continue to financially support him which they didn't. I feel for you and your situation and he shouldn't have agreed to something without thinking it through. It's understandable that you really want to get out of your current situation but you can't rely on a 21 year old who lives at home and is still supported by his parents to help you leave a bad situation. What decision did you want him to make? Leave his family behind, get cut off,struggle and possible ruin his future? A part of you can understand his decision? I hope things work out for you. At this point in your life, I think you should be looking out for numero uno (your boyfriend did the same)- your plans to relocate are commendable and I hope things work out for you. Best wishes! Hi. We actually made more then enough to support ourselves. We werent asking for money from his parents. Wewerent asking for anything except maybe staying on their healthcare. Money was not the problem. He wouldve worked parttime
TheTraveler Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) Thanks for your reply. I wish it were that easy. I cant find a roommate that doesnt wantba **** buddy or isnt a complete strangerand honestly, i dont wanna end up in a mess like people i know whove moved in with strangers. So ill relocate...alone. Yay me Finish your degree. Even if it's useless it will allow you to get jobs. Maybe not in something you want right off the back, but it will help when you relocate. Continue saving money and prepare for the move. A lot of people who do not like living in the northeast tend to move south i.e. Florida to start their new life. No state income taxes, lots of sunshine(no grey skies every day), cheaper cost of living, etc. Pick a decent size city and hit all the temp agencies. You're young, so why not take a chance? Edited March 2, 2017 by TheTraveler
CollegeKid101 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Hi. We actually made more then enough to support ourselves. We werent asking for money from his parents. Wewerent asking for anything except maybe staying on their healthcare. Money was not the problem. He wouldve worked parttime Why would they agree to that? Money is most certainly the problem. If it were not and he really loved you, then I do not see how they could see this as a potential problem for his future. You are asking A LOT from a 21 year old who is in college. Why should he get a part time job to appease you? His future is more important at this time to him, you need to understand that. Also I can't help but comment on your username, it's like you want people to feel bad for you. I'm not going to comment on the poverty thing, my mother slept in a room with just a mattress for four years when she came to this country..she's now one of the best individuals in her field AFTER she went years of being at the bottom..it's called hard work. Life is tough, go finish your degree, and start your career. Stop relying on a 21 year old who lives at home with his parents. Be rational. If I were him and you told me that you cannot trust me or have faith in my because my parents, who are my financial support, are not allowing me to move in with you without cutting off financial support, I would kick you to the curb in all honesty. This all sounds extremely petty and almost a cry for help because of your background. I'm assuming you have never been able to depend on anybody before him, stop putting all this pressure on him. He will break up with you if you continue with all this. Best of luck. 4
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Why would they agree to that? Money is most certainly the problem. If it were not and he really loved you, then I do not see how they could see this as a potential problem for his future. You are asking A LOT from a 21 year old who is in college. Why should he get a part time job to appease you? His future is more important at this time to him, you need to understand that. Also I can't help but comment on your username, it's like you want people to feel bad for you. I'm not going to comment on the poverty thing, my mother slept in a room with just a mattress for four years when she came to this country..she's now one of the best individuals in her field AFTER she went years of being at the bottom..it's called hard work. Life is tough, go finish your degree, and start your career. Stop relying on a 21 year old who lives at home with his parents. Be rational. If I were him and you told me that you cannot trust me or have faith in my because my parents, who are my financial support, are not allowing me to move in with you without cutting off financial support, I would kick you to the curb in all honesty. This all sounds extremely petty and almost a cry for help because of your background. I'm assuming you have never been able to depend on anybody before him, stop putting all this pressure on him. He will break up with you if you continue with all this. Best of luck. Thanks for the reply. He already works part time and is looking for a fulltime job. Money was not the problem as we budgeted so he could work full time. If anything I guess the fear of losing his parents or something along the lines. Anyways i never asked anythimg to him. He offered and then pulled back and even now he still wants me to move in with him cuz he knows what he did was wrong but I dont want to anymore. I cant trust him to be an adult. And its very easy for someone to say that to someone. To get their life together. Have I not been trying? Do you know my struggles? No. So you can go ahead and comment thay but it does noting for me as ive been trying to move out since the age of 18. If i could, do you think I would?
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Finish your degree. Even if it's useless it will allow you to get jobs. Maybe not in something you want right off the back, but it will help when you relocate. Continue saving money and prepare for the move. A lot of people who do not like living in the northeast tend to move south i.e. Florida to start their new life. No state income taxes, lots of sunshine(no grey skies every day), cheaper cost of living, etc. Pick a decent size city and hit all the temp agencies. You're young, so why not take a chance? Im trying but college is expensive and its 1 k per class. Its really cutting into my savings I need in order to move away. Also i know the job market is different in other places. I do plan to move away I just dontknow where my skill set will allow me to work. I work in IT but only have one cert and a year worth of experience. I dont know what thats worth outside of nyc
CollegeKid101 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Thanks for the reply. He already works part time and is looking for a fulltime job. Money was not the problem as we budgeted so he could work full time. If anything I guess the fear of losing his parents or something along the lines. Anyways i never asked anythimg to him. He offered and then pulled back and even now he still wants me to move in with him cuz he knows what he did was wrong but I dont want to anymore. I cant trust him to be an adult. And its very easy for someone to say that to someone. To get their life together. Have I not been trying? Do you know my struggles? No. So you can go ahead and comment thay but it does noting for me as ive been trying to move out since the age of 18. If i could, do you think I would? So he's looking for a full time job, but is going to nursing school? Doesn't add up. Just because somebody offered something does not mean you can't trust them, especially given the circumstances. You are being incredibly irrational. He didn't do anything wrong! You've made him feel this way. I'm guessing he feels trapped between you and his parents, you're not going to win that battle, sorry. To say what? To start your career and begin to progress? If you can't trust him to be an adult, end it and move on. I'm not sure what answers you're looking for on here. I'm not sure if you're trying, to be honest. I would say you're complaining more than anything, stop feeling so bad for yourself. Listen I'm not trying to be the "bad guy" on this thread; I'm trying to give you another perspective that you do not seem to understand. EDIT: When is your boyfriend graduating?
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I thought there are plenty of job opportunities in Middletown and a way cheaper place to live.
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 So he's looking for a full time job, but is going to nursing school? Doesn't add up. Just because somebody offered something does not mean you can't trust them, especially given the circumstances. You are being incredibly irrational. He didn't do anything wrong! You've made him feel this way. I'm guessing he feels trapped between you and his parents, you're not going to win that battle, sorry. To say what? To start your career and begin to progress? If you can't trust him to be an adult, end it and move on. I'm not sure what answers you're looking for on here. I'm not sure if you're trying, to be honest. I would say you're complaining more than anything, stop feeling so bad for yourself. Listen I'm not trying to be the "bad guy" on this thread; I'm trying to give you another perspective that you do not seem to understand. EDIT: When is your boyfriend graduating? I cant control what he does with his life. If hebwants to work fulltime then let him work full time. Ill leave you with that but thanks for the advice.
O'Malley Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Just do your research, look for job opportunities in communities where you could afford a studio apt. or an apt. with a roommate and take the big step. Take your boyfriend completely out of the equation and focus on what's best for you. It's going to be hard, the reality is that hard work and education unfortunately doesn't guarantee security in the economy of this era, but you're going to have more regrets the longer you stay in a situation where you're clearly unhappy and your own residency is uncertain.
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Just do your research, look for job opportunities in communities where you could afford a studio apt. or an apt. with a roommate and take the big step. Take your boyfriend completely out of the equation and focus on what's best for you. It's going to be hard, the reality is that hard work and education unfortunately doesn't guarantee security in the economy of this era, but you're going to have more regrets the longer you stay in a situation where you're clearly unhappy and your own residency is uncertain. Thanksfor the advice. Thats the plan for now . As for the bf , I dont even know if I should stay or not after this. I mean I did come here for relationship advice although thatsnot exactly what im getting lol
CollegeKid101 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Thanksfor the advice. Thats the plan for now . As for the bf , I dont even know if I should stay or not after this. I mean I did come here for relationship advice although thatsnot exactly what im getting lol Relationship advice: Break up & Move on. This won't last.
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Relationship advice: Break up & Move on. This won't last. Thanks for the advice!
Purepony Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Yeah I mean he's an adult and I'm sure he knows that It is risky but if things are going as well as you say they are I don't see why he would have said no or go back on his word I understand your resentment by the way NYC is beautiful I was there last month .. amazing !!! I'd say move to Arizona or Los Angeles because I've heard a lot of demand for it there
Author Your average loser Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Yeah I mean he's an adult and I'm sure he knows that It is risky but if things are going as well as you say they are I don't see why he would have said no or go back on his word I understand your resentment by the way NYC is beautiful I was there last month .. amazing !!! I'd say move to Arizona or Los Angeles because I've heard a lot of demand for it there According to him he says he was scared but that he made a stupid mistake. But still that "stupid mistake" caused be 6 months of my life and a whole lotta shame.... He shouldve just never promised if he couldnt do it
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