killacozzy Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. Originally, I lived in Michigan, and I moved down to Florida, abandoning friends and family, to be with her (we began as a long-distance couple). She's attached to her family, specifically her sister, who lives nearby, and her parents, who come down here for the winter and stay with us in our home. Most people find these things to be unbearable, but I'm an easy-going fellow, and these things didn't phase me. They still don't. For I love her wholeheartedly! The trouble comes in later: I'm going through horrible withdrawals in terms of friends. My people up in MI are awesome, and I recently visited for 2 weeks to stand in my best friend's wedding. I miss being able to hang out with them. Moreso, since my girlfriend doesn't really want to be around my friends, I end up making these trips to MI by myself. I desperately want for her to hang out with my group. Because I love her. I bring this fact up to her, but she insists that she's uncomfortable around my people. I respond by citing how willing I was to live with her parents for half the year... how willing I am to live with her 5 dogs, although I'm allergic... how willing I am to be separated from my people up north if she'd just visit them with me.... but she tells me I'm selfish for expecting that of her. But I still love her. She missed my friend's wedding. But she decided a week later that we should head up to MI together to hang out with her parents. I kindly asked why we should visit people who we spend half the year with.... and suggested she come hang out with my family and friends.... she'd surely have a great time.... but she only responded with the idea that I should go be with them while she hangs out with her parents and a high school friend that doesn't like me, thus making it impossible for me to be there. It's a touchy subject, but... I love her regardless. Another problem is our different relationship philosophies... Although we're both non-religious folks (although spiritual), I still understand the universal sanctity of marriage. She doesn't seem to want to make that type of wholehearted commitment, instead preferring to be able to end the relationship at whatever point. I want to get married and have children at some point, but I get the idea that she sees these things as outdated. And yet, I love her. It comes down to this: We're both going through stressful times. I'm struggling to improve my financial situation despite my lack of higher education, while she struggles at a job where she's underpaid and severely overworked. She claims that she's miserable, having no friends and only family to rely upon, but when I try to offer myself as an alternative or suggest we go out and try and make friends down here together, she merely belittles my efforts. If her family doesn't make the plans or offer the advice (i.e. if I do so instead), it's immediately inferior. Additionally, she resents that I'm not in a better financial situation to support her were she to quit her job. I'm trying my best here, but I don't know what to do. I love her. I want to help her.... but it's getting to the point where nothing can be done. She won't help herself. Aside from her woes, I'm going stir crazy. I want to be able to improve my situation at my own pace. I want to be able to hang out with friends and family I haven't really seen in 3 years (aside from vacations). Mostly, I want her to share in my life like I have in hers. I love her family, without a doubt. I love being here in Florida. I'd want to hang out with her friends, had she any. I go out with her and her sister all the time. I don't hate it at all. What I hate is that she expects this of me, but when I ask her to do these same things for me (and only on vacations, at that!), I'm unreasonable.... I love her. I can't stand the idea of being without her. I wish I could marry this girl. But I've begun to question whether we're right for each other anymore. Anyone got any advice??? Or you could just slap me around for making my first post on this site a novella....!
loony Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by killacozzy Anyone got any advice??? Or you could just slap me around for making my first post on this site a novella....! Well, I won't slap you for writing such a long post, but I would slap you for whining and wallowing in self-pity. For I love her wholeheartedly! Yes... Because I love her. Yes... But I still love her. Yes... I love her regardless. Yes... And yet, I love her. Yes... On a sidenote, I really hate this literary style when it comes with self-pity. You're not a martyr, ok? Do not carry your love for her like a trophy for the world to see, as a sign of your selfless devotion to another human being. It's great if you love her, but that's it, there's nothing to be proud about staying in a relationship, suffer and not managing to get one's needs met. You're not happy in this relationship, go and change it. I love her. I want to help her.... but it's getting to the point where nothing can be done. She won't help herself. That's too bad for her... I'm unreasonable.... No, but you should stop acting like a doormat and tell her really nicely that her behavior is not acceptable. She is selfish, inconsiderate, obviously a bit lazy, not very ambitious, lacking respect for you - what does this tell about you if you stay with her? It is clear that she treats you like this, because you allow her to do so. Nothing that you said is unreasonable.
TheBarnacle Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I love her. I can't stand the idea of being without her. I wish I could marry this girl. But I've begun to question whether we're right for each other anymore. yah, i'd wonder too. though, i agree with loony, drop the martyrdom first then make a clearer decision based on facts: what you want vs. what she's giving you. it doesn't sound like she's giving you much (in terms of what YOU want which is to get some time with her AND your friends, etc.).
flsgirl Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 This isn't what love is. People who love you don't treat you like crap and take advantage of you. This is all about needing someone. You've been with her for three years, that's a long time. It's completely frightening to think that a person that you have been with for that long may not be there. I was in a similar situation two years ago. My ex followed me across the country. When we discussed moving, he seemed excited about it. It was a beneficial move for both of us. We both landed amazing jobs but were stuggling with money because of the cost of living was higher where we moved to. As the year went on, he became homesick. He never once told me he was unhappy. As a result he went back to our town for a wedding and I met him three weeks later for another wedding and he just told me he was moving back. He never asked me to come or anything. We had a messy breakup. I thought I was going to DIE! We loved each other very much but that wasn't enough. We had different goals, ideas and beliefs. I respected his decision to move back. You have to do what makes you happy. You only live once. I was in therapy for about a year after the breakup and it helped immensely. What I learned from her is if the relationship feels more bad than good, then you need to get out of it. Also I learned the difference of loving and needing someone. I had such a fear of being alone I couldn't fathom having to do it. It's been two years and I have become a completely different and stronger person. I have a great job, friends and some amazing experiences that I would not have had otherwise. My point of all this rambling is that you need to do what is best for YOU! This girl is toxic to you. You sound like you have a great support system in Michigan. Go back there. It's where you want to be anyway. Plus, you'll probably meet someone who really will love you and have all the same goals and ideas as you. Good luck...
Author killacozzy Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Yeah, sorry bout the martyrdom and whatnot... It's just that when asking my friends for advice, I would only indicate the bad stuff, and I don't want to come across like I'm miserable.... I'm just frustrated. Life'll be great with her for a while, but it seems to be about every 6 months or so lately when I just get to a breaking point. Thanks for the advice.... and if anyone else has some perspective to lend, I'm all ears!
country gal Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 i would lay it all out there for her. its obvious that there are a number of things missing for you that are extremely important in terms of your overall happiness. you need to spell it out for her what it is that you need from the person you choose to be with and if she is not willing to compromise and try her absolute best to make you happy, then you best start looking for another person who will appreciate all your great love. relationships are give and take .... and you've done your share of give
sadgirlRN Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 a relationship is about give and take and it sounds like she is very good at taking. she seems really selfish and if she really loves you she would want you to be happy. talk to her see how it goes, but i think that if you have to ask if things will work out, you already know the answer but are just too scared to do something about it. good luck
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