ironpony Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I was told before to never tell a woman this while dating her and that I should just keep it a secret. I can see what people mean as it's very hard for women to want to date a guy if they find that out about them. However, I find that in my past experiences, a lot of women may have found out the hard way with me and then feel possible cheated after, where as maybe things would have gone better if I had been more upfront about earlier, sometimes I feel. What do you think? 1
basil67 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Mother of an autistic son here. If you can get past the first few dates and all is going well, tell her after that. Make sure to explain how it effects your social interactions. If she knows you and likes you already, it shouldn't stop her dating you further....and the knowledge would help explain anything you do which she may not understand. 4
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 How does your autism affect you and the women you date?
Author ironpony Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Well I think that a lot of times, the women can tell that something is off, as the dating doesn't often seem to last long, so I felt that maybe if I told them sooner, they wouldn't feel that something is off perhaps. I also asked a couple of other people's opinions on it, and one of them said that if it were her in that situation, she would feel mislead or duped, and I should be upfront about it right away. But that was just one opinion so far...
Timshel Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Agree with basil, my son isn't old enough to date yet but I will advise him the same. It's part of who he is and he's awesome. A woman getting to know him should know if he wants to tell her. Otherwise, she wouldn't really know him very well at all. Best ironpony 2
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 From what little I know about autism it's a spectrum from high functioning to non-functioning. Since you are here on LS & dating you are on the high end. It's a tough Q. I'm leaning toward not initially disclose. You wouldn't immediately tell somebody you had high blood pressure or diabetes, would you? Upon meeting somebody I don't initially tell them I have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety. Some things like medical conditions can be private. I do disclose after I have known the person for quite a while & grown to trust them or if something happens & I have to tell them. I do remember that I went on an OLD date. The guy turned out to be 50 pounds heavier & 10 years older than his profile. He also walked with a walker because it turned out that he had I think it was MS. I felt bad that he was sick but I also felt deceived that he didn't tell me. Still I recognized that it's not a disclosure one can casually bring up in the initial getting to know you before meeting phone calls that are part of OLD. I would not announce your diagnosis but maybe on date 2-3 start probing to find out what, if anything, your date knows about autism. Give her some info then gently break it to her. You want her liking you & seeing you as a whole person before some diagnosis colors her entire opinion about you.
Tribble Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I wouldn't keep it secret, but I wouldn't mention it on the first couple of dates either. I think the important thing is to not make it a really big deal. This is who you are and you are more than an autistic person. When you do mention it, try and make it a natural conversation, something more about you. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, first time meeting him. After about 20 minutes he told me he had ADHD and had just been diagnosed. That in itself doesn't bother me and I wouldn't be put off dating someone with ADHD. But it was the way he told me. Straight away and he phrased it like it was a bad thing, something that is a negative to dating him and he went into a lot of detail about his diagnosis. (He also mentioned a few other 'bad things about me' that, if brought up in the right way, I would not have seen as bad at all). During our conversation, he also kept bringing it up. 'Sorry I'm asking so many questions, it's my ADHD'. I didn't see anything different in our interactions or the amount of questions he was asking. To me, it felt like it was such a big deal to him dating, that it was a bad thing and he was using it as an excuse for things that didn't need excusing. That he had ADHD didn't bother me, it was how he chose to tell me if that makes sense. 2
kassy Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I think for me I'd understand someone not disclosing it straight away, but if we were still seeing each other after 5 dates I'd like him to tell me he was high functioning Autistic and explain how it impacts life and how we could manage it best in terms of our communication etc etc nothing too deep but just a heads up. If I liked him, I'd respect he told me and probably let things play out with my eyes wide open. I would not appreciate them keeping it a secret for a long period of time
CptInsano Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Tell her during the first few dates. It is an important part of who you are, and if you keep it a secret for too long she will wonder what else you are not telling her.
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I think it all depends on the degree of the "disability" and how it affects the normal dating process, as to how early it is brought up. If the "disability" whatever it is, affects dating from the get go, then it needs to be explained pretty early on, as the wrong impression could be gained and people who may be very understanding otherwise, may be put off completely. I also agree with Tribble, someone who is continually apologising for their "condition", or assigning anything and everything to their "condition" is not very attractive. I guess that poor chap who was recently diagnosed with ADHD had that fact uppermost in his mind all the time, so he ended up communicating that to Tribble. 1
Author ironpony Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 Yeah okay, I don't apologize for it, or at least I don't think I do. I have only told two women. One was my long term ex-gf, and I told her about maybe four months into the relationship. But she said she could tell and new the whole time, and that she was okay with that. The other time was not with a gf, but with a woman I just had a short casual sex type fling with. I told when I first met her but it was part of the flirty humor, when trying to seduce her. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember telling her and she was fine with it, and still hooked up with me. So maybe if I tell a woman again in the future, I could wait till after a few dates, if that's best.
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