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Does my boyfriend just have poor communication skills, or is it something else?

Free2be89

By Free2be89
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Free2be89 Member

Free2be89

Posted
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Let me just start by saying that my boyfriend of 2 1/2 months has always been a little bit of an odd duck. He's attractive, funny, likes to have a good time, and is social; but can be a bit of a recluse (playing video games after long hours of work, needing time to himself, watching movies alone etc.) He expressed to me when we first started seeing each other that he had very little experience with dating, and that he had not had very much luck with women in the past, but did not know why. This comment seemed a little odd to me... but alas I was smitten and continued on anyway.

 

When we first started dating, communication was every day. We sent morning texts, good night messages, flirted heavily, he was VERY attentive; all the typical stuff that happens in the early stages. HE was actually the one that initiated the label of boyfriend/girlfriend and requested that we make it official online a few weeks ago. I still consider the relationship to be in its early stages, but things have changed, and his communication has gone a completely different way. He goes through hot and cold periods where we won't speak regularly for days at a time even to say good morning, or to brief each other on how our day went. He works long hours at his new job, and I go to school full time and work part time, and we only get to see each other about once or twice a week because of our schedules.

 

Now, I know communication is a two way street and I have tried to hint to him that its important to me by initiating messages myself; only to be met sometimes with one word responses. He will constantly send me private snapchats throughout each day (often of him doing absolutely nothing) and always views mine, however does not always respond back to my messages even if its literally seconds after sending me one. When it's convenient for him, he will pop back and want talk/see me non stop for a few days... then the cycle continues.

 

I've been told things like "Guys need their space." or "They need to miss you sometimes." But at what point am I allowed to be bothered or hurt? I know I should say something to him, but I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding confrontational. Do I wait for his next contact, or do I bring it up myself?

enddeck Established Member

enddeck

Posted
Posted

We teach people how to treat us and your boyfriend needs a few lessons in basic manners.He is capable of treating you better because he did it at the start of your relationship.This is why no woman has ever stayed with him he is lazy and rude and if he will not change for you then break up.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

if he did it at the start of the relationship he can do it again

 

 

sit down with him explain to him how you really appreciated his attentivenes at the start you understand he needs space his down time...tell him you arent really happy going on with the communication the way it is...tell him how you feel .....be open and honest and ask him if he is willing to work on the communication with you....tell him you want to be open and honest with him when you feel there are problems so you can work on them together.tell him some of the things you love ro things that hav ehappened that have been really good...and where you have had some fun together..(incentives).. so it isnt all just bad news.......ask him if he is happy and is there anything that he feels he would like to talk about...good or bad.....see if you can work on some compromises.....good luck...deb

Edited by todreaminblue
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

He did all that love bombing to get you and now he feels he has you, he doesn't need to do that.

I guess this is now the real him, and you, like all the other women he has dated, do not like it.

He gave you the impression he was one kind of man, but in reality he is a guy who prefers to be alone and who doesn't feel the need to communicate regularly.

He is happy with the hot/cold approach as he knows he will be back in touch in a few days, but it leaves you hanging wondering if he will ever get in touch again. It throws you off balance and it is hell.

(He may have another woman, so essentially goes awol to be with her...)

 

Of course he maybe is just a guy who gets bored easily and once the thrill of the chase is gone, he is just not interested. Instead of breaking it off, he acts badly and so he eventually gets dumped which suits him fine.

 

Be careful here.

Protect your heart and mental health.

Being with guys like this can literally drive you crazy.

Hot/cold can be addictive, as the lows are so low and the highs so high.

  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

You may be able to kick him back into doing it. But it will fade again because you're now seeing who he really is.

 

You're now seeing why he's had poor dating success in the past.

  • Like 4
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

It's not going to go back up to the early levels but it can improve from where it is now.

 

 

Tell him you noticed a change in the pattern but you liked the earlier contact more & could he please step back up.

 

 

I don't see him sliding as far back as you do but then again I would have been running for the hills & feelings smothered at the initial love bombing.

 

 

The communication problem here is actually more yours because as of yet you have not clearly told him what you want.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Let me just start by saying that my boyfriend of 2 1/2 months has always been a little bit of an odd duck. He's attractive, funny, likes to have a good time, and is social; but can be a bit of a recluse (playing video games after long hours of work, needing time to himself, watching movies alone etc.) He expressed to me when we first started seeing each other that he had very little experience with dating, and that he had not had very much luck with women in the past, but did not know why. This comment seemed a little odd to me... but alas I was smitten and continued on anyway.

 

When we first started dating, communication was every day. We sent morning texts, good night messages, flirted heavily, he was VERY attentive; all the typical stuff that happens in the early stages. HE was actually the one that initiated the label of boyfriend/girlfriend and requested that we make it official online a few weeks ago. I still consider the relationship to be in its early stages, but things have changed, and his communication has gone a completely different way. He goes through hot and cold periods where we won't speak regularly for days at a time even to say good morning, or to brief each other on how our day went. He works long hours at his new job, and I go to school full time and work part time, and we only get to see each other about once or twice a week because of our schedules.

 

Now, I know communication is a two way street and I have tried to hint to him that its important to me by initiating messages myself; only to be met sometimes with one word responses. He will constantly send me private snapchats throughout each day (often of him doing absolutely nothing) and always views mine, however does not always respond back to my messages even if its literally seconds after sending me one. When it's convenient for him, he will pop back and want talk/see me non stop for a few days... then the cycle continues.

 

I've been told things like "Guys need their space." or "They need to miss you sometimes." But at what point am I allowed to be bothered or hurt? I know I should say something to him, but I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding confrontational. Do I wait for his next contact, or do I bring it up myself?

 

He expressed to me when we first started seeing each other that he had very little experience with dating, and that he had not had very much luck with women in the past, BUT DID NOT KNOW WHY

 

but can be a bit of a recluse (playing video games after long hours of work, needing time to himself, watching movies alone etc

 

only to be met sometimes with one word responses

 

He's not very insightful is he . . .

 

Do I wait for his next contact - Yes and for as long as it takes. During that time, you reflect on how that's making you feel.

 

do I bring it up myself You've said that you "hinted" about this already. You can a) bring it up more directly or b) accept that he is showing you who he is already.

 

At two months, you are still in the evaluation stage whereby you are observing whether a dating partner is meeting your early dating needs and able to meet them "organically" without coaching, etc.

 

If you decide to bring it up, you say something like -- "I've been enjoying the time we been spending together so far, but I like more communication between dates and when you disappear for periods of time, I feel left out". And, then, let him talk. If he dismisses your feelings/needs or makes excuses, etc., you tell him that you are moving on because you aren't on the same page in terms of communication needs and wish him well.

 

But at what point am I allowed to be bothered or hurt? -- It bothers you when it bothers you. I wouldn't be "hurt" though. It's just the way he is and that either works for you or it doesn't. He isn't the way he is because of YOU, it's just the way he is and he's told you that.

 

Wait for him to reach out and gauge your feelings at that time. You've been feeling left out and under appreciated now, I don't think it will change.

  • Like 2
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted (edited)

When I was young and in college, someone wise once told me that there are basically 3 things going on in the life of the average college student:

 

1. School (full time)

2. Work

3. Social life/extra-curriculars

 

You can and will do all 3, BUT you can only be really good at 2 of them. Only two. There are just not enough hours in the day.

So you may be a great student and a great boyfriend, but you lose your job. Or you'll be a good student and good on your job, but your a crappy boyfriend. Or you'll be a good boyfriend and good on your job, but you F-up in school.

 

You can only be really good at 2.

 

This has proven to be true in my years of observation (in my 40's) and in my own life. Well, unless you're observing Tom Brady-Mr. Perfect or something,lol.

 

So this is probably what's going on with this guy. He's struggling with balancing his life properly. And you should be too, to be quite honest. Cut him some slack and refocus yourself.

Edited by Popsicle
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Now you know why he's bad at relationships.

 

It's all nice and dandy at first because it's exciting but when the newness feeling is gone he goes back to his bubble and doesn't care anymore. By nature we go toward what is the most rewarding to us, in your case he finds his games and movies more rewarding than being with you or talking to you.

 

He is too emotionally immature to develop a real connection.

 

He probably has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

 

Dump and move on.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You saw the best of him when he was doing his best to attract a girlfriend. Now he has nothing left to give.

 

His ideal is to keep being the little boy playing video games and watching movies by himself and then have you come over when he wants sex.

 

This is him. I don't recommend it. BORRRING.

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