Am I in the wrong or should I cut my losses?

[anxiousknight]

Hello, Loveshack.

 

I’m hoping someone can help me out and offer some external perspective, advice or insight. I’m so very confused at the moment, and I have a tendency to word vomit, so I apologize in advance if this is super lengthy.

 

Here we go.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating right around a year. I’m going to refer to her as Michelle for the purpose of this.

 

Initially, everything started out great (as they always do). There were definitely some red flags in the beginning, but I shrugged them off or downplayed them as minimal issues. Probably because I was wearing rose colored glasses.

 

Michelle is an only child. And while she isn’t necessarily high maintenance in terms of wanting the nicest things or demanding I spend a ton of money on her, she has, and still is, definitely been coddled by her parents over the course of her life. I believe my therapist referred to the dynamic as “enmeshed”.

 

We were living in a different city when we first started dating, and she lived in an extremely nice apartment. I knew something was off, because the job she was working was for minimum wage. She did tell me her parents helped her out, but what I would later learn is, “help out” meant completely pay for everything and support her entirely. They still do.

 

Though that would have never flown in my family, I didn’t think too much of it. Her parents were helping her out while she worked a temporary, minimum-wage job while she looked for a career. No big deal, right?

 

About a month into us dating, she quit that job because she was complaining about a neck injury. She said she hurt it a few years ago, and the lifting at her job must have aggravated it.

 

Fast forward another month or two, and she felt her neck was better enough to work again. (Her parents were floating her the entire time). So, she picked up a part-time job for a little more than minimum wage.

 

Another issue Michelle has faced throughout her life is hypothyroidism. She has been on medication since she was 18, but she didn’t start going to an endocrinologist until recently, so her levels had fluctuated over the years.

 

And I know hypothyroidism is a real issue people struggle with, I know plenty of people with it. The first girl I ever dated had it. My step-sister in law has it. They all work, however, because they have to and they don’t have the luxury of someone else picking up the tab.

 

Suddenly, right as she was getting ready to start working again…her fatigue started acting up. She quit the job after a week, saying she was too tired to work.

 

We had only been dating for around three months at this point and I was also still wearing the rose colored glasses, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Although it was starting to bother me just a little bit.

 

I didn’t necessarily not believe her, but I was suspicious that both instances seemed somewhat convenient. (She just started working for basically the first time in our relationship, last week.)

 

Fast forward another three months, and Micelle was still battling her fatigue. I suggested we move to her hometown so that she could have the help of her parents. I didn’t mind, because it’s cheaper to live in that city than where we met, and I wasn’t a fan of where we were living anyways.

 

So we moved.

 

And this is when all of the issues started to happen.

 

The first few weeks were great, but as the excitement of a new city wore off and I began to see just how enmeshed she was with her family, I started to wonder if I had made a mistake. (She is living at home, by the way. I live in my own apartment.)

 

Our life together quickly began to revolve around her and her parents. Instead of doing our own thing, she always wanted to hang out at their house, with her parents there.

 

And our sex life, which was amazing before we moved, turned almost non-existent.

 

I was turned down over and over again.

 

This went on for a solid few months before I finally said something about it, and I tried to go about it in a mature and polite manner.

 

Well, it didn’t go over well. Michelle really struggles with any form of criticism and if it’s not what she wants to here, she classifies it as “rude” or “mean”. She told me she was doing everything she could to make sure I was happy and comfortable in my new home, and that she doesn’t know what else she could do.

 

She convinced me that she was right and I was wrong, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness.

 

I should also mention I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years since I’m about to touch on that.

 

A few months later and I was dealing with an extreme bout of anxiety because of things in my professional/school life. Michelle was trying to help me through it, but she couldn’t really understand what I was going through because she had never experienced something like it. I told her I appreciated her support, but she didn’t understand and I would appreciate it if she would just be there for me, as opposed to tell me what to do.

 

Well, she kept on telling me what to do and eventually I reached my boiling point and snapped on her. I later apologized, but this did end up making me go to the doctor for the first time in my life to take medication for my anxiety. I’ve been on 50 mg of Zoloft for about two months now and it has helped dramatically.

 

Anyways, at this point, I was severely questioning our relationship. I had just moved to a new city for this girl, I had been supportive of her while she didn’t work for nearly a year because of her medical issues, and all I got in return was her neglecting our personal relationship and sex life once we moved to her hometown and using my mental health as a scapegoat. On top of that, every time I tried to voice my opinion about something I didn’t like, or wanted to change with us, and I was the meanest, cruelest boyfriend ever.

 

Her go-to move quickly became blaming everything on my anxiety, while at the same time priding herself for “diagnosing me” and helping me get to the doctor to finally start taking medication.

 

Around the same time I began taking Zoloft, I had already really begun to check out. I guess I was starting to feel resentful towards her and taken for granted in a way. Getting turned down for months will do that, I guess.

 

But now, this is where I get confused.

 

Over the past month, she has almost done a complete 180.

She’s almost the same person I fell in love with before we moved – she wants to hang out just us all of the time and she wants to have sex at a much higher rate than when we first moved here and it dropped off.

The thing is, I’m the one doing the rejecting now.

 

You would think I’d be thrilled, but I just can’t find it in me. I don’t know if it’s the Zoloft as I know it can kill your sex drive, or if it’s the fact that I reached the point of no return and checked out for good a few months ago, or a combination of both.

 

I find myself wanting to be single at times, and not even because I want to date other people, but just because I want to be alone.

 

I’ve also been turned off by her family dynamics. Although they are nice people, they are way too involved in her life. She’s almost 26 years old and they still completely support her financially. She didn’t work for 10 months and if she quit tomorrow, they’d be perfectly ok with it.

 

Her mom’s entire world revolves around her – her parents have canceled multiple vacations since we’ve been together because Michelle’s mom wanted to spend time with her.

 

Michelle would also tell me little anecdotes about how her mom would let her stay home from school when she was younger if she didn’t feel like going or “just needed a break”, and that her mom would drive hours and take off work when she lived away from home to take care of her. Michelle’s mom also goes to all of her doctor appointments with her.

 

Before I moved here, I definitely admired her family from a distance, probably because I come from a divorced one myself. However, the more that I see…the more I really question what a future would look like, and the more I feel like her parents are, and maybe already have, ruined her by coddling her throughout her life.

 

I’m not exaggerating when I say in the 12 months or so we’ve been together, she has apparently done nothing wrong. Every single time I have tried to bring up an issue, she has cried and played the victim.

 

Mind you, I have made my mistakes, but I always admit when I do and I work on it.

 

I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy for still being with this girl, or maybe I really am some kind of anxiety-riddled a**. Maybe I’m both.

 

All I know is, I’m confused and I don’t know up from down right now.

 

Please tell me which one you think I am.

 

[todreaminblue]

i think its really nice to be close to family but when it comes to becoming a couple you have to have time that is yours and not about family but your relationship together......

 

i have a few people in my life who never say sorry......for most of them its a control thing, a dominating thing...they compete with me........i let them think they have me under control and sometimes ill apologize and sometimes ill just continue as nothing has been done....because i cant be bothered arguing or holding grudges.....i know whats right and what s wrong...if it is me who is wrong i apologize.....

 

now with one guy friend...its because i dont count enough for a sorry.....he doesnt care so he never has really said sorry...i live with it or i can move on thats his attitude ...he is quick to block and delete.......that actually hurts.....but/...i accept he has issues and i have regardless of his treatment...apologized when i have been wrong because its the right thing to do.....i have let this friend go......if you could call him that..mostly he refused my friendship....even though we could have been quite good friends i feel...i figured out he doesnt need me to be.....he doesnt really care if i live or die......i would still be there if he needed me my friendship or my feelings dont die.....it does get packed away though......my focus go to friends who care for me.....

your girl has some issues.....and she has to let go of her parents hands to hold yours.....parents are meant to be there for advice support encouragement and a helping hand when you fall.and vice versa..but when you become a couple, the dynamic shifts....or should and if it doesnt theres a problem.....her focus should be now you......you maintain close relationships...but the closest should be your partner.....

 

you need to have a serious discussion with her and you need to think seriously about how invested are you in you and her.....i wish you well.....deb

[anxiousknight]

i think its really nice to be close to family but when it comes to becoming a couple you have to have time that is yours and not about family but your relationship together......

 

i have a few people in my life who never say sorry......for most of them its a control thing, a dominating thing...they compete with me........i let them think they have me under control and sometimes ill apologize and sometimes ill just continue as nothing has been done....because i cant be bothered arguing or holding grudges.....i know whats right and what s wrong...if it is me who is wrong i apologize.....

 

now with one guy friend...its because i dont count enough for a sorry.....he doesnt care so he never has really said sorry...i live with it or i can move on thats his attitude ...he is quick to block and delete.......that actually hurts.....but/...i accept he has issues and i have regardless of his treatment...apologized when i have been wrong because its the right thing to do.....i have let this friend go......if you could call him that..mostly he refused my friendship....even though we could have been quite good friends i feel...i figured out he doesnt need me to be.....he doesnt really care if i live or die......i would still be there if he needed me my friendship or my feelings dont die.....it does get packed away though......my focus go to friends who care for me.....

your girl has some issues.....and she has to let go of her parents hands to hold yours.....parents are meant to be there for advice support encouragement and a helping hand when you fall.and vice versa..but when you become a couple, the dynamic shifts....or should and if it doesnt theres a problem.....her focus should be now you......you maintain close relationships...but the closest should be your partner.....

 

you need to have a serious discussion with her and you need to think seriously about how invested are you in you and her.....i wish you well.....deb

 

Thank you for the response. That is my fear, that their family is so enmeshed that her parents will always come before her relationship and eventually marriage. And that there won't be healthy boundaries. The problem is, I don't know how to talk with her about this without her getting extremely upset and offended.

[preraph]

Very interesting. First things first. It's worth a talk with the doctor to see if Zoloft is dampening your sex drive. There are other meds out there. Depression can certainly dampen your sex drive, as well as overwork and stress.

 

But you are right about her. She has never been held accountable or anything expected of her, and you cannot change that. If you did ride her to change it, you would end up her father figure and she would lose all desire for you because having one person in the relationship having to parent is an instant sex killer.

 

Now, it may be that because you are feeling a bit like her parent, that that is what is killing your desire for this daughter.

 

Her health issues may affect her, but they are not the root of her issues. That is her upbringing, being able to do anything she wants, having no responsibility. This is not a good mother for your future children because she is always going to be childish, most likely.

 

I see no reason for you to stick around for this. I know you will miss her and feel bad leaving, but she certainly has a place to go, doesn't she? She'll be fine as long as her parents are alive and after if they leave her enough money, and she may find a rich man who doesn't care if she's spoiled who is maybe spoiled himself.

[anxiousknight]

Very interesting. First things first. It's worth a talk with the doctor to see if Zoloft is dampening your sex drive. There are other meds out there. Depression can certainly dampen your sex drive, as well as overwork and stress.

 

But you are right about her. She has never been held accountable or anything expected of her, and you cannot change that. If you did ride her to change it, you would end up her father figure and she would lose all desire for you because having one person in the relationship having to parent is an instant sex killer.

 

Now, it may be that because you are feeling a bit like her parent, that that is what is killing your desire for this daughter.

 

Her health issues may affect her, but they are not the root of her issues. That is her upbringing, being able to do anything she wants, having no responsibility. This is not a good mother for your future children because she is always going to be childish, most likely.

 

I see no reason for you to stick around for this. I know you will miss her and feel bad leaving, but she certainly has a place to go, doesn't she? She'll be fine as long as her parents are alive and after if they leave her enough money, and she may find a rich man who doesn't care if she's spoiled who is maybe spoiled himself.

 

Yeah, I know you are right. I just wish she would stop this 180 and make it easier for me to end things.

[d0nnivain]

A committed LTR -- especially something like marriage -- means you have to deal with the whole family all the time. The minute this woman has a husband to support her, I suspect the 1st Nat'l Bank of Mom & Dad will close forever, leaving you as the sole support for her unearned lifestyle.

 

 

Proceed with extreme caution.

[CptInsano]

A committed LTR -- especially something like marriage -- means you have to deal with the whole family all the time. The minute this woman has a husband to support her, I suspect the 1st Nat'l Bank of Mom & Dad will close forever, leaving you as the sole support for her unearned lifestyle.

 

Agreed.

 

Proceed with extreme caution.

 

I would consider that an understatement.

[KBob]

Agreed.

 

 

 

I would consider that an understatement.

 

Agreed. Imagine how your children are going to be raised. Good luck having your opinion count. You'll likely be the financial supporter and nothing more.

[preraph]

Agreed. Imagine how your children are going to be raised. Good luck having your opinion count. You'll likely be the financial supporter and nothing more.

 

I wonder which way it would go. Either she will just be another child and not parent them and just be their playmate, or she will get mad at anything she has to do to take care of them and be mean to them if they cause her any inconvenience. It isn't a pretty thought, her being a mom.

[GoldSparkz]

I’m not exaggerating when I say in the 12 months or so we’ve been together, she has apparently done nothing wrong. Every single time I have tried to bring up an issue, she has cried and played the victim.

tell me which one you think I am.

 

It sounds like you're dating a classic narcissist who coupled with being a spoilt only child, is a dangerous combination. Think about it, anytime you try to bring up a discussion about her actions in the relationship - you are the one who ends up apologising. She manipulates you into thinking that your anxiety and depression is the reason for the problems in the relationship. Then she withholds sex and only allows you sex on her terms.

 

For the sake of your mental health, I would suggest focussing on yourself and your wellbeing. It doesn't sound like you are in any position to be in a relationship, let alone being with someone who doesn't put your emotional needs first.

[CollegeKid101]

I feel for you man. You're not in the wrong whatsoever. You seem like a great guy and a great boyfriend. I would cut ties with her, she's just causing more stress and anxiety in your life. Especially since she can do no wrong, I'm assuming she acquired this trait from being her mother's world.

 

I hope things turn around and you meet an awesome girl down the line who is mature and respects your feelings.

 

Cheers!

[act00]

Honestly, I think the Zoloft is doing its job. Depression and anxiety can have you worrying about the smallest of things. I think that it's kicked in, and you're not worrying so much about the smaller stuff, and that makes the big stuff really obvious. This relationship isn't working. Nothing will change. Imagine how this will be many years from now when you have 2 kids and a wife who won't work, let alone keep house and will she likewise coddle the children while she blows through your paycheck and runs up debt? Her parents will also be a continued issue, only I doubt they'll be supporting her, but they will certainly think you're horrible that you don't have endless supplies of cash and their baby girl is sad. The kids will be brats because you'll constantly be the mean daddy (discipline) while she's the fun mommy and you'll have no support.

 

You're not doing anything wrong. You're finally seeing the light. Her fear of losing you has her behaving differently, but she'll revert. It won't be easy, but I think it's time to cut your losses. If counseling isn't part of your routine, you might want to look into it, so you don't slip backwards.

[lurker74]

Classic push pull relationship. You should look it up because the interwebs can explain it better than I can. Suffice it to say, I lived in one for years and it nearly literally killed me. I am not and never have been depressed and have never exhibited suicidal ideations but I reached a point where I would have been fine with being dead (just not willing to carry it out).

 

Figure out what push pull is and how to communicate. In all likelihood, she will not be able to adapt so you may have to end the relationship. I hope not but understand that it is likely that as she gets what she wants, she will withdraw again.

[smackie9]

Now that the rose colored glasses have come off and the honeymoon period is over, you see there are too many issues between you two. She's obviously hasn't got her %^&$ together to life a happy financially stable life. Her issues are not yours to try and fix. This relationship has fallen flat on it's face. Stop your struggles and simply move on.