jimmgupta Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Hi guys, I was hoping to get some advice about a girl I was dating. So I met this girl online and we went on about 4 dates over the course of a month. Anyways for our forth date we went to an art gallery and at first everything was going super well. We were holding hands and were basically all over each other. Where stuff started to go sideways was we basically we found a dark room with a couch that was almost always empty and we kissed. She started saying I was a problem (in a very playful way) and kept saying that for about another 2 hours before she elaborated that I was a problem because she was seeing another guy. She said she thought she was sure about him but after the day we had she was completely unsure about what to do. She then proceeded to to text her best friend openly in front of me asking what she should do about me and the other guy. She even showed me her phone and said that her friend was rooting for me? Anyways I had had enough so I got through the rest of the date without making a big deal about it, and just decided I wasn't going to see her anymore after I got home. It just seemed like a bad situation, like she'd be hanging it over my head if I kept seeing her. Better to be lonely for a few days than have this dragging on for weeks, right? Anyways I basically just started ignoring her texts (yes I know I probably been should have been more transparent to her about this), until she asked about how I felt about the whole situation. I basically replied that I wasn't comfortable with where it was going, and I didn't want to see her anymore to protect myself. She then started saying that it was all my fault for not giving her enough of a sign that I wanted a commitment. Anyways I really liked her and I was pretty sad for the first few days but I'm over her and basically decided to chalk it up as a learning experience. So for future experience how do you guys think I handled this? Did I make the right choice? I can't help but feel if I had kept seeing that just maybe things would have worked out? I'd really appreciate any insight on how I handled this. Thanks!
coolheadal Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Your stuck with a two timer! She loves the other guy and now she cheats on him with you. She'll do the same thing with you soon too. Good job bravo! You made the right choice. You do not want a cheater/player is what she is. Can't trust or respect a women like this. Best you learn the truth now then to get hurt in the end. Move on as you have done! 1
todreaminblue Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 online dating has a defined lack of exclusivity..its like a meat market.multiple dating opportunity .you had only been on four dates so there was no bf gf thing.....there was no talk of exclusivity ......or dating one person at a time....you went on four dates....if you are going to online date i feel you should expect this in the future... she actually came clean and let you know she wasnt exclusive .....and there was another guy she was dating.....she let you know you were a problem because she was seriously considering you...she wanted commitment from you and she messed up by involving her friend as a way to let you know that..so the onus wasnt on her saying you were the guy she liked..you were th eprobblem with datign th eother guy...because the problem is sh ewants to date you.............instead of being upfront that she really liked you she did it by proxy......not so subtle.... you didnt mess up..she should have been upfront with you...do expect behavior like this and multiple dating from women also ...men do it too........when online dating....good luck...deb
Author jimmgupta Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I wasn't under any illusions I always assume someone is seeing other people unless we explicitly decide to be exclusive. I just felt like she was trying to set up some sort of a competition between us for her?
coolheadal Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I wasn't under any illusions I always assume someone is seeing other people unless we explicitly decide to be exclusive. I just felt like she was trying to set up some sort of a competition between us for her? That's correct too.. She uses people this way too.. You learn fast though. Next time you will not even both with women like her ever again. Nothing comes good with her type..
act00 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I think that it's okay to be open about seeing other people and making sure that is on the table. What bothers me is that she focused on it, made it the forefront of the evening, and even went so far as to involve you in this to the point of what? Bidding war? Competition? Who all her friends vote for? It's bothersome that this was some secret "joke" for a majority of the evening. There's something to be said about being discreet. It's one thing to state that you intend to see other people until things progress to exclusivity, and progress maturely, and another thing entirely to give a play-by-play and put the other man in your face. When I first read your post, I was thinking she was being playful about being naughty and you making her naughty , but then it turns out she's tossing this at you like she's cheating on this other guy (is she cheating? Is this other guy long-term?) and makes sure that you are not only well aware of this guy, but hey, let's present a competition right here, right now with my friends! Crass. I think you were right in finishing out the evening with all the class you could muster. Good on you! You sound incredibly well-rounded. After that fiasco, I don't think I would be interested in pursuing this relationship further. It sounds humiliating to have been put in that place you were in. 2
Author jimmgupta Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 No, she started seeing the other guy around the same time she started seeing me. Although she met him from school not online.
todreaminblue Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I wasn't under any illusions I always assume someone is seeing other people unless we explicitly decide to be exclusive. I just felt like she was trying to set up some sort of a competition between us for her? i dont feel that but you could be right.as a woman..i feel she was fishing for exclusivity actually with the wrong fishing style...honesty is always best......when i date i say it straight up...maybe you understand women and online dating better than me......anyhoo...i just gave you a different perspective from conversations i have had with women friends deciding how to bring up the conversation of exclusivity and the plans they think of are quite....complex....and often really dumb... i just tell them...just tell him you like him and dont want to date anyone else...ask him how he feels....they laugh at my advice and keep planning elaborate scenarios while i get sleepy.........shruggin..what can ya do....deb
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I wasn't under any illusions I always assume someone is seeing other people unless we explicitly decide to be exclusive. I just felt like she was trying to set up some sort of a competition between us for her? I agree. The ways she told you and then texted her best friend about it strongly suggests this girl is an attention-seeker and loves the ego-stroke she'd theoretically get from two guys wanting her. You did the right thing. That was a red flag. 1
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