JanieQP Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 There's someone I've known for about 18 months, who I'd previously guaged as maybe-out-of-my-league. (Based on professional status and arts engagement. There are other grounds on which he could have judged me as out of his league.) Until yesterday, we'd only seen each other in group situations (there are a couple of social overlaps) or by coincidence on the street. Yesterday we had brunch, which took more finagling on my part. I haven't come straight out and asked him to do anything, but I'm doing all the work here. Basically I haven't seen him take much of a risk at all. The little things that might be positive signs could very well be just me grasping at straws. Last winter, he once suggested coffee, but made no concrete suggestions. I attended one of his concerts (classical) with a date, and when we said hello afterward, he initiated a hug - previously it had been just handshakes. When I suggested coffee on the weekend, he shifted it to brunch. He was surprised that I'd paid (while he was at the toilet) and he said he'd cover the next time. That could all be just politeness ... As we parted yesterday, he gave me a really nice hug, said he'd enjoyed brunch and that I have his number and e-mail address. (WTF? He has mine, too!) I'm not thinking "life partner" or "man of my dreams" here. I like him lots, have since I met him, but have no desire to settle down. What I'd like with him is a very-good-friends-plus situation. He's calm and quiet and low-key. And dam= does he smell good! I'm a hunter, and he's made me work really bloody hard just to get to brunch. But I don't want to be the one who forced anything on a boy who acquiesced out of mere politeness ... he won't value anything handed to him on a plate, either. On Tuesday night, we'll both be at another group thing ... I don't know whether to tell him straight out that I'd like to see him again but I'm not going to initiate further contact, or what.
loony Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 As we parted yesterday, he gave me a really nice hug, said he'd enjoyed brunch and that I have his number and e-mail address. (WTF? He has mine, too!) Let's assume he is interested in you, then I would say: "What a lazy boy....". You can say this to friends of the same sex, but if you're seriously interested in someone you should really show a little bit more motivation. I'm really not eager to play games with people, but if a guy who as supposedly interested in me gave me that line he would be out (I think even if I was already head over heels for him) This attitude is really such a turn off "you can have me, when you try hard enough". -- Huh??? People with that attitude unfortunately never have that much to offer and it would cool my infatuation down very fast. What you call being laid-back I see as a clue for a serious mental laziness. Or the other case is, he is not interested in you and he's telling you indirectly that he doesn't want to call you in order to arrange another date. Um, I might give this line to someone I find nice, but am not interested in dating. I wouldn't say that I will call him, because if I did I would be showing him actively that I was interested in him when I'm not. Originally posted by JanieQP When I suggested coffee on the weekend, he shifted it to brunch. He was surprised that I'd paid (while he was at the toilet) and he said he'd cover the next time. Well, he likes you probably, but it seems to me that he's more interested in you as a friend (or he's lazy, as I mentioned before). I guess, I would call him once to have the chance to get to know him better. If after this there are no better signs that would indicate some romantic interest on his part, I would assume that he was only interested in me as a friend or is way too shy or lazy to be of any interest for me. P.S. Why do you mention in your title that he's a non-alpha guy? What does it matter?
Author JanieQP Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by loony P.S. Why do you mention in your title that he's a non-alpha guy? What does it matter? If he were an alpha guy, his behavior would indicate absolute NON-interest. I know how to deal with alpha guys. But he's not. I know several really nice guys who just never take that first step until they're =really= sure they won't be rejected. These are truly nice guys, often to their own detriment. They're often sensitive, not that ambitious (despite advanced degrees and good jobs), and don't really know how to deal with women too well. Right now that's more my speed. And I'm at a stage in which I need some 'comfort' action (with all due respects to the abstinence crowd ) and don't really care for a wild time (with all due respects to the BDSM crowd ).
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Given your post, it sounds like he enjoys your company when you offer it but otherwise doesn't go out of his way to seek it out for himself. Someone who happily accepts your affection, but won't necessarily return it in kind. Everyone is different though, so... I have his number and e-mail address. Maybe you could drop him an email or give him a call? I know it stings knowing that he isn't the one doing it, but at the very least, with more interaction maybe you can figure out what his deal is now that you and he have actually had a 'one on one' date. I wouldn't go so far as to ask him on a date, but see if after a few interactions, he asks you. If he doesn't, then I guess you could continue setting up things for you two to do and hope that it can develop into something else. It sounds horrible to say, but don't pin all your romantic hopes on this guy. Its sounding more like 'friends' to start off with. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a friendship though.
loony Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by JanieQP But he's not. I know several really nice guys who just never take that first step until they're =really= sure they won't be rejected. These are truly nice guys, often to their own detriment. They're often sensitive, not that ambitious (despite advanced degrees and good jobs), and don't really know how to deal with women too well. Well, I also know a lot of nice guys and some never really ask me out even when I know that they are interested. One of my friend who really helped me with my computer and always takes a lot of time to explain me things never really makes a move to set up a date or anything with me and I do know that he likes me (hopefully not too much though... ). I've invited him for this and that, because he helped me so much, but we haven't managed to set up anything yet... it's a bit weird. Anyway, I do not believe this is the rule though. If they do like you, they will manage to gather some courage and ask you out, even if it's via email. A guy who likes you a bit more than as a friend, but doesn't manage to do anything is really rare. And telling you to call him back, well, hmmmmmm... Being that passive is indicating a real lack of self-confidence or interest.
Cecelius Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Any one who tries to be an "alpha" is most certainly not. This guy may be the most alpha man on the planet. Aside from that, chances are that he may like you, he may be interested but whatever is there is not enough for him to make a move. You may need to be more seductive, or assuming there is attraction, you may need to be more challenging. From personal experience, women who pursue me I am not likely to view as a main event (even for sex alone). On the other hand, if he is a truly nice guy, then you're not going to make progress.
alphamale Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 he likes you but he is shy. you need to take the lead and show him the path to sexual enlightenment
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I too am having alot of "patience" with a new guy. He seems interested but also works alot. He knows about my last bf who also worked alot and made comments that I need a '9-5' guy, and that is bullcrap! I bought the book yesterday, and it says "Busy is another word for A-hole. A-hole is another word for the guy u r dating". I don't know what it is with these guys. It seems they're the same ones who complain that they can't find a date or that the woman they like isn't calling them. The book says that if he's into you, he will call you. If he's into you, he won't let his laziness get in the way. I'm not sure I agree with the whole book though. Guys want to know if a girl is into them too, right? Why would I make myself unavailable if I'm AVAILABLE? ugh. men.
Author JanieQP Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale he likes you but he is shy. you need to take the lead and show him the path to sexual enlightenment Right. I didn't know you were on the board, so I PM'd you. Sorry for the double-dose.
Author JanieQP Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius You may need to be more seductive, or assuming there is attraction, you may need to be more challenging. Challenging, my schedule takes care of for me, and I've been pretty formal with him. Seductive, ehm, not sure what you mean by that. He generally sees me when I'm dressed pretty well, and yesterday I was casual but made a bit of effort to look nice. Originally posted by Cecelius From personal experience, women who pursue me I am not likely to view as a main event (even for sex alone). That's what I worry about here. Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 He seems interested but also works alot. This one basically laid himself wide open when I asked about meeting, said he was very flexible and could meet any time. We were in a writing class together (how bad is it that I started writing short stories in a non-native language just to take this class w/ him??) and at then end, when I asked about participants meeting on their own to continue developing the texts, non-Alpha said if no one else was interested, he and I could have our own mini-group. At some point he e-mailed me all of his contact info, even though he'd given it to me months ago. When I suggested coffee (b/c I don't have time now to review writing stuff as we'd discussed) he suggested meeting at my place or his place or driving somewhere, and I ignored that and suggested a couple of cafes. He then chose a brunch time and locale. This was all by e-mail. He =ha my number, dammit! The saddest thing is that there are about half a dozen 'attractive' guys to whom I could go for guaranteed action, and I'm not interested in any of them. I just want this dorky tentative older guy who's probably just tolerating me.
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