lia123 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Dear all, I'm hoping for some good advice on an issue that has been bothering me for a long time now. 11 years ago I met my (now) husband. We became good friends. So 7 years ago I met his best friend (my now husband and I were just friends at that time). I liked him immediately and the feeling was mutual. We ended up fooling around a little, but then my now husband became emotional an apparently he liked me (I had no clue). His best friend told me that that was it for him then, cause he just knew me for a few days and was loyal to his best friend. I understood. After a while my now husband asked me out and we started dating and it turned out that we really hit it off. So now we are in a relationship for about 6 years and its great. We have the same interests, a lot of fun, mutual friends, good sex, etc. Since a year we even have a kid, which I am really happy about. So everything is great except for 1 thing: I still after all those years have feelings for his best friend (who now is also my best friend I guess). We (best friend and I) have had a few drunken conversations about the issue, but the conclusion is always the same: it doesn't really matter what we feel (he also has some kind of feelings, am not really sure how strong they are though... mine are huge however), we can never do anything with it. So we of course never went further then the occasional too long hug. Especially now that we have a kid it is really out of the question. However, I have really had enough of these feelings... I have tried not seeing him for half a year (except for birthdays of mutual friends, but then we stayed away from each other), but that didn't seem to work and was kind of awkward. Now he has moved to a different country so I thought that it'd all be solved - but its not. Since I saw him on a visit I am all over him again and can't stop thinking about him. Its so stupid because I know NOTHING can ever happen and I REALLY don't want to leave my husband (especially because of our kid), but it kind of hurts. My husband knows that we sometimes talk about this stuff and he trusts us and everything but he does start to find it kind of awkward and is a little annoyed. which I understand by the way, but I find it so hard to totally ignore the feelings etc... He does "send" us to the movies with the two of us if he doesn't want to see the movie for instance... and then we are just sitting there and I soooo want to touch him and sometimes we give each other a hug then but thats it and its just frustrating. Long story short: I am married and have feelings for my husbands best friend for 7 years now, nothing will ever happen, how do I get rid of these feelings? Is there anything I can do? all advice is welcome...
NTV Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 No feeling lasts forever. If you would end up with the best friend instead of the husband you would be thinking the same thing about your now husband... it's the forbidden fruit that entices you. But out of sight out of mind.
road Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 You must go NC with your OM, you are having an EA with him. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 ...nothing will ever happen.... OH geez...if I had a nickel for every time nothing will ever happen. Listen, you want to have an affair and so does he. So it's gonna happen eventually unless you pull your head out and decide what kind of person you want to be. You're keeping the whole thing at arms length because it's exciting and you're getting validation from it. Is that how you roll? 2
Mr. Lucky Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 who now is also my best friend I guess Mistake #1 We (best friend and I) have had a few drunken conversations about the issue Mistake #2 lia123, how would you feel if, just outside the orbit of your marriage, your husband had parked a hot "friend" that he had feelings for and discussions about acting on those feelings??? I'd guess you'd think it was inappropriate and a betrayal of the vows and commitment you made to each other. And yet that's where you're at, down to excusing the behavior as hanging with your "best friend". Wrong and ultimately self-destructive, hope you wake up and see what you're doing... Mr. Lucky 2
somanymistakes Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Don't worry, I'm not going to scold you, I'm trying to look for solutions to your problem. How much does your husband know? Can you go to him for support when you're feeling tormented by these things, or do you have to keep it to yourself? Sometimes being able to laugh about the attraction can help to cool it down. Does Mr. Temptation have a partner of his own? Sometimes seeing them with someone else can help slam the door on your own feelings. If not, do you suspect he's holding out because no one compares to you? If you think that, even unconsciously, that would also explain why you're having so much trouble getting over him. What are the chances of your husband being willing to accept a poly relationship? If he actually knows you two are attracted and keeps sending you to movies together, to me that suggests a non-zero probability of him being open to this idea. Would you actually want Mr. Temptation to move in with you and your husband and join the family if it were possible? Since Mr Temptation now lives in another country, can you simply cut off all contact with him? Being completely out of touch for long enough that other interests take over your life is often helpful in cooling down an attraction, though obviously the longer this has been going on the harder it is to do.
Friskyone4u Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 You need to tell your husband everything you have posted here and that will solve your problem. Your husband, if he has any sense at all, will be shocked as hell, and your days of going to the movies alone with your fantasy man will be over for good. Now if you say your husband knows exactly what you have posted and still sends you two off together, then quite frankly he deserves whatever happens. If you do not confess and be honest, I am sure on one of these visits you two will consummate your little secret and then your trouble will just begin. 2
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) Maybe I'm a little naive, but to me it's just about being a responsible adult and having the ability to make a decision and commit to that decision. By that, I mean simply telling yourself this man is your husband's best friend, thus off-limits to you, and moving on with your life. I mean really - I love chocolate, and I want chocolate, all the time. But, as an adult I have the ability to say to myself "you can't have that cholocate just because you want it because you know there will be some not so good consequences if you eat chocolate all the time..." And if I can't have chocolate in the home without eating it, I don't keep it in my home. As an adult, we understand that you can't always get what you want... You have made your choice. Move on and focus on your husband and child. And if you can't be around this man, then you can't be around this man... What you are doing now, talking about your feelings and enjoying long hugs, is not a wise thing to do. You know that. Edited March 2, 2017 by BaileyB 1
Author lia123 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Thank you all for your replies. It's good to hear some other people's opinions.the summary of the reactions seems to be that I should stop contact with the best friend totally. Probably you guys are right. It's just that that is emotionally (really really don't want to) but mostly practically quite hard. He is my husbands best friend and the godfather of our child. Right now he lives really far away so we see him only 2 times a year, but the problem doesn't seem to go away... and I still think of him A LOT. And what will happen when he moves back here? We have a lot of the same friends and it'll be so hard to just entirely stay away from him.... I am going to try... but if anyone has advice on how to get rid of the feelings, that would be by far the best solution... @ntv: hope you are right... the feeling lasts for about 7 years now.. Will be so glad heen it fades away! @ Road: not sure what you are saying with all the abbreviations, but I think that I should stop contact because this is an emotional affair? I guess it might be a little bit like that. Only pretty much everything is out in the open, the secret part is the feelings that are involved... @trustedthenbusted: ouch. I think there is too much truth in what you are saying to ignore it.... I do enjoy the attention and the thrill of looking in his eyes and seeing him look back, the butterflies, etc. I really don't think anything will happen (could have so easily so many times...) but that is not a guarantee of course and what is going on is probably wrong already. @mr lucky: I do indeed feel bad. Not as bad as you portray me, because I have told my husband about the feelings and the talks and stuff but probably I am actually as bad as you say. It is betrayal and I'd hate it if the roles were turned around... @somanymistakes: I don't even know what I want anymore... the best friend has no relationship and has never had one. I really hope (rationally) that he'll get a partner anytime soon (think it'll be painful emotionally but would make the problem less bad). I don't think I really want a poly relationship and am probably too traditional for that. Am sure my husband wouldn't be into that. Don't think the best friend would. So that's not really an option :-) @friskyone4u: he knows that there is some stuff going I but he kind of disregards it. I don't think he is aware of the intensity of the feelings. He thinks we should just 'act normal' and that it all has taken long enough... I am afraid that telling him will only hurt him and that it's better just to not do anything with the feelings. I can't help the feelings but have actions under control (for now). Or do you think I need to tell him? Wouldn't that unnecessary hurt him? @baileyb: i can definitely constrain myself from eating the chocolate. I just can't help that I'm craving it all the time. That is the problem I'm trying to solve...
carhill Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 If you can learn to prioritize your M and enjoy the moment and leave it, you can make this work. I've dealt with this stuff and still do to a certain extent, as a 'second husband', over the decades and it's pretty easy if no expectations are involved and boundaries are firm. It falls along the 'I'm married but not dead' path that many marrieds follow to one extent or another but of course you won't hear them talk about it openly. Tip: Husbands are often more amenable if your 'affair' is with a woman. Territorial thing. A lesbian is less threatening than another man, evidently. I've steered a couple in this manner and it seems to work pretty well. Still, accept the moment, no expectations, keep those boundaries firm. Oh, and please don't titillate the poor best friend sexually. I hate that. Thanks. If you find your M to be unsatisfying, get out. No indignity in making the choice to leave. If you do, you'll probably find the best friend thing to fade away. That's been my experience anyway. The fruit isn't as enticing as when forbidden. Good luck with your M and welcome to LS.
stillafool Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You should not be alone with your husband's best friend knowing you have these feelings for him. Stop going to the movies with him or anywhere else you two can be alone. He is not YOUR best friend but your husbands. Get a female friend to be your best friend and hang out with her. Who knows if you get a friend attractive enough maybe your husbands best friend and her will fall in love. Back off, stop looking in his eyes and try to be a good wife.
Author lia123 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Thanks carhill, your post is quite helpful. A question: what do you mean with your first paragraph? 'Learn to prioritize your M and enjoy the moment and leave it'. What moment do you mean? As for titillating the poor best friend sexually: I think I have been guilty to that and you are rightF that is really horrible actually, especially with such inexperienced guy. I think I've been insanely selfish that way. It's hard for me to say this but I have to: won't do it again. Thanks again, also for the welcome :-)
BluesPower Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 lia123, it is not "LIKE" an emotional affair, it actually is an Emotional Affair. End of story. When you talked to your husband about this, did you actually tell him everything? Did you tell him that you are in love with the OM? Did you tell him that you are just really tempted to sleep with him and that there is a real possibility that you may sleep with him in the future??? I am guessing you did not. You have to go complete NC NOW. No emails or texts nothing. When he comes to visit 2 times a year. You cannot see him, arrange to be gone. Or tell your husband the truth and he will arrange for you to be gone. And can I just say, with all respect dear, you really need to grow up about this. Either divorce your husband and go with your OM, or knock this silliness off and focus on being a better wife. Those are really the only two options. Good luck... 3
TrustedthenBusted Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 @trustedthenbusted: ouch. I think there is too much truth in what you are saying to ignore it.... I do enjoy the attention and the thrill of looking in his eyes and seeing him look back, the butterflies, etc. I really don't think anything will happen (could have so easily so many times...) but that is not a guarantee of course and what is going on is probably wrong already. Glad I got your attention. And you nailed it. it's wrong already. it's good that you can admit that to yourself, and to the panel of experts here, lol. I think you are here because you WANT to do the right thing. So do it. And in moment of weakness when your hubb is pissing you off, and you are tempted to talk to the OM ( because that's what he is ) and have him blather on about how perfect you are.... don't do that. Come here, and tell us instead. Then eventually you wont even need that. That's the hope.
Author lia123 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 lia123, it is not "LIKE" an emotional affair, it actually is an Emotional Affair. End of story. When you talked to your husband about this, did you actually tell him everything? Did you tell him that you are in love with the OM? Did you tell him that you are just really tempted to sleep with him and that there is a real possibility that you may sleep with him in the future??? I am guessing you did not. You have to go complete NC NOW. No emails or texts nothing. When he comes to visit 2 times a year. You cannot see him, arrange to be gone. Or tell your husband the truth and he will arrange for you to be gone. And can I just say, with all respect dear, you really need to grow up about this. Either divorce your husband and go with your OM, or knock this silliness off and focus on being a better wife. Those are really the only two options. Good luck... I posted my story here for 2 reasons: 1) advice on how to stop being having these feelings 2) to hear opinions on how bad it really is what I am doing, as an eyeopener And your post (and many more) really work well for reason 2. I feel a lot worse about what I was doing than first so that really is an eyeopener. I do have a question. The texts and chats me and the best friend (or OM, as you like it) share are not romantic at all. My husband has full access to my phone and email at all times. i often show him something from the conversations, or we even converse in a threewaychatgroup. Is this still an EA just because I feel more for the guy or is this kind of contact okay? I really am wondering how people think. I myself am not certain what to think anymore... Also, I'm not sure whether I really want to have sex with him - that is not really something I fantasise about. That is usually more of a romantic nature (maybe I'm just weird). Also: of course you can say I should grow up, guess you are right. I won't divorce my husband, especially now that we have a child. So then I just have to suck it up I think!
BluesPower Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 It is not that it is romantic or not... You are having an emotional affair with a man that you love other than your husband. Contact with that person (Friend, OM, whatever) keeps the feelings alive that you are trying to let dissipate. Because you both have feeling for each other, anything that you say in any form is keeping the emotional affair going. The only way to get over the feelings that you have is to go No Contact with the person that you are having an affair. If you want some horror stories about how this stuff can ruin a marriage browse the infidelity forum for a while. And I was wondering if you were going to answer the other questions that I asked. You don't have to, I think I know the answers. But think about why you did not tell your husband the truth about your real feelings toward the OM. You can do this. If you truly love your husband and your family, you can get over this...
Friskyone4u Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 @friskyone4u: he knows that there is some stuff going I but he kind of disregards it. I don't think he is aware of the intensity of the feelings. He thinks we should just 'act normal' and that it all has taken long enough... I am afraid that telling him will only hurt him and that it's better just to not do anything with the feelings. I can't help the feelings but have actions under control (for now). Or do you think I need to tell him? Wouldn't that unnecessary hurt him? Lia Not telling him because you do not want to hurt him is an EXCUSE . Not trying to be mean, but that is a very common statement from cheating spouses and as the truth comes out from being caught or some other reason, the lack of honesty is worse that the act. You are not telling your husband everything for two reasons (1) you are scared of the consequences and anger he is going to have (2) more importantly, if you tell your husband you ARE going to go total NC in all likelihood in order to save your marriage, and then when your OM moves back, you will not have the option to act on anything without also ending your marriage. Your husband right now is clueless and not threatened because this guy is far away, but you are continuing to have this emotional affair, and you are going to act on it. It is just a matter of time. If you tell your husband every single thing you have written here, and he does not blow this relationship of yours out of the water, then he needs some therapist work. I cannot remember if this other guy is married or not, but if he is your husband should start by telling the other spouse or partner what has been going on so that there are two sets of eyes on you. You really want to know how to stop.??? You will be amazed at how quickly the fog lifts when you are staring down the barrel of a divorce if you do not stop. Right now, you have no consequences at all. It therefore will take a long time or will not stop until you make a disaster for yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I do have a question. The texts and chats me and the best friend (or OM, as you like it) share are not romantic at all. My husband has full access to my phone and email at all times. i often show him something from the conversations, or we even converse in a threewaychatgroup. Is this still an EA just because I feel more for the guy or is this kind of contact okay? I really am wondering how people think. I myself am not certain what to think anymore... lia123, this is just like asking if, since a bar can be a social scene where people gather to talk, watch games, etc, is it OK for an alcoholic to hang out there? The obvious answer is "no", since the alcoholic's presence has implications beyond the social factors. Given your feelings, you should treat this friendship the same way. The dangers are clear and present... Mr. Lucky
somanymistakes Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 As far as I'm aware, the definition of an emotional affair requires: - that you are sharing feelings and information on a deep level with someone who is not your acknowledged partner - that you are keeping secrets about that relationship from your acknowledged partner If you just have a crush that you don't tell the other party about and your husband knows all about it, it is not an EA, because you are not letting that connection flow and there is no secret. A crush can still be damaging to a marriage but I think it's important to not call it an affair because that cheapens the concept and makes real affairs sound not so bad. You can't necessarily help having little feelings from time to time, but you can choose how you act on them. If you have a crush but you're hiding the extent of it from your husband, then you're getting into mildly dangerous territory even if you never speak to Mr. Temptation at all. It's still not an affair if there is no mutual action taking place, but it's a crack in the marital bond that can widen over time. If you feel you have to keep something from your husband because it might hurt/upset him, that starts to chip away at the trust you have in him, and him in you. If you have feelings for Mr Temptation, and your husband doesn't know the full extent but Mr. Temptation does and you're talking about it secretly, then you are falling into the EA zone. "I don't want to hurt him by telling him things that aren't important" can all too easily turn into "Well, as long as he doesn't know we're sleeping together, he won't be hurt by it..." 2
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) Lia, I will say, I have always been very attracted to one of my friend's husband. We all went to university together and I have always thought he was a really nice guy, really cute... When did my "attraction" for this man end - the moment that I found out that he was dating my friend! To put it simply, I value my friendship and I don't want to lose it by pursuing any kind of relationship with the man who is now, her husband. I still see him often - he's still really nice and really cute - but he is my friend's husband... which means that we don't have conversations or spend time together when we are not in her presence because that would not be appropriate. So, my question for you is - do you value your relationship with your husband and your family more than you value the attention and excitement that you get from this "flirtation" with your husband's best friend? Because if you do, it shouldn't be that hard to ignore the "attraction" you have for your husband's friend. And, if you are doing/saying things to this man that you would not be comfortable doing in the presence of your husband, then that is inappropriate. This is more than a crush... It's becoming more of an emotional affair. And, you will likely always feel the attraction (every time I see my friends husband, I think to myself - "What a great guy. She is so lucky to have him."). However, if you can't be in his presence without behaving inappropriately, then you should only be in his presence when your husband is present. And considering that you only see this man twice a year, it shouldn't actually be that hard. Edited March 2, 2017 by BaileyB 1
road Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I posted my story here for 2 reasons: 1) advice on how to stop being having these feelings 2) to hear opinions on how bad it really is what I am doing, as an eyeopener And your post (and many more) really work well for reason 2. I feel a lot worse about what I was doing than first so that really is an eyeopener. I do have a question. The texts and chats me and the best friend (or OM, as you like it) share are not romantic at all. My husband has full access to my phone and email at all times. i often show him something from the conversations, or we even converse in a threewaychatgroup. Is this still an EA just because I feel more for the guy or is this kind of contact okay? I really am wondering how people think. I myself am not certain what to think anymore... Also, I'm not sure whether I really want to have sex with him - that is not really something I fantasise about. That is usually more of a romantic nature (maybe I'm just weird). Also: of course you can say I should grow up, guess you are right. I won't divorce my husband, especially now that we have a child. So then I just have to suck it up I think! No the reason you are here is to find a way to 1) not call it an affair 2) get people to tell you that you do not need to bother with having NC. You are on the slippery slope to having your EA turn into a PA and want justification to continue with your current bad, inappropriate behavior. This is why you ignore the proper advice on how to behave. End of Story
road Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Lia, I will say, I have always been very attracted to one of my friend's husband. We all went to university together and I have always thought he was a really nice guy, really cute... When did my "attraction" for this man end - the moment that I found out that he was dating my friend! To put it simply, I value my friendship and I don't want to lose it by pursuing any kind of relationship with the man who is now, her husband. I still see him often - he's still really nice and really cute - but he is my friend's husband... which means that we don't have conversations or spend time together when we are not in her presence because that would not be appropriate. So, my question for you is - do you value your relationship with your husband and your family more than you value the attention and excitement that you get from this "flirtation" with your husband's best friend? Because if you do, it shouldn't be that hard to ignore the "attraction" you have for your husband's friend. And, if you are doing/saying things to this man that you would not be comfortable doing in the presence of your husband, then that is inappropriate. This is more than a crush... It's becoming more of an emotional affair. And, you will likely always feel the attraction (every time I see my friends husband, I think to myself - "What a great guy. She is so lucky to have him."). However, if you can't be in his presence without behaving inappropriately, then you should only be in his presence when your husband is present. And considering that you only see this man twice a year, it shouldn't actually be that hard. OP values how she likes contact with the OM more then having her husband, marriage, family.
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 OP values how she likes contact with the OM more then having her husband, marriage, family. Well, that's what I think too... or she wouldn't be asking the question. It doesn't seem like it should be a difficult problem to solve. 1
Author lia123 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 You guys are harsher than I expected! But that's good, apparently what I was doing was really not okay. I really did not see it as that much not okay, so this has been useful. So, I talked to my husband about it. About that it's not only like a game and that I really do have feelings for his friend and that it has been going on for years. I wasn't aware that he really had disregarded everything I have said about this over the years as just me being weird. Also, he didn't know that years ago we had agreed to not see each other for half a year to make the feelings go away. So altogether I guess I have been less honest with him then I thought (also I think he just didn't know that it was real, we joke around a lot so I think that's why he just disregarded a lot of it that way). My husband still thinks it's overreacting to not be in touch with the best friend anymore. But I just can't have fun with the two of them and not have these feelings. So I have stopped all contact now. I have two more questions to you (am prepared for your harshness now...): - do I tell the friend about this or do I just ignore him forever now? That feels weird I guess because he is still part of 'our' (my family, my friends, my child) life but telling him also seems weird - how do I get over the totally irrational anger I'm feeling towards my husband which makes it pretty hard to just have a good time and be a 'loving' wife? I know he did nothing wrong, but it hurts that I can't talk to the friend (even though my husband didn't say I can't or anything).
Noideanow Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 Ohh man!!!! Is that the life that you want? Its up to you How you want to live, why live in pain? Why stay with you h when your in love with somebody Else? What Are your dreams for the future? More kids with h? Or with the friend"? Or is it all because your scared friend" doesnt love you enough? Offcourse He doesnt love a woman with a husband, a woman who doesnt know what she wants:( sorry If im too harsh, but dont think your "friend ever trusted you because you were friends a that time with your Now husband:o
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