Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 I guess I'll start out with some details. We went through a nasty breakup, had a rough time while apart and working things out, but did work things out, and got back together. A couple days before I asked her out again, she lied to me about messaging a guy happy birthday. (Which I knew about through hearing about it from him a little while before hand. Didn't care at all though. I saw that there was no flirting or anything. This guy was someone she liked in the past however.) She had mentioned that she doesn't message many guys on Facebook in casual conversation about the topic. I just asked in response who they are. She didn't mention the guy she had liked. I asked her if she was sure that was all and she said yeah. Give me being away from her for a few minutes, I ask her if she knew *Guys Name*. She said yeah, I asked if she had messaged him. A pause and look of being caught preceded an affirmative. She admitted to lying about it AND deleting it so I wouldn't see it. Her reasoning was so we wouldn't fight. I had known about it since I knew the guy and it was brought up casually and genuinely wasn't bothered until she lied about it. Then, the current issue, Las Vegas. She's know for a few weeks already about this trip and I only found out today because her Mom mentioned it in front of me. When her parents left, I brought it up to her. Same thing. "I didn't want you to be upset about it". Though she said she was going to tell me before she registered. The thing is, she had a similar trip (It's for a conference. The same organization with the same people.) in Austin where she got wasted and was ignoring me most of the time she was there, so she was worried I would be bothered about this trip. Well, I wouldn't have been had she not just kept another thing from me. Yet alone a trip to Vegas this time. I'm not even sure she was going to tell me since I only found out and the registration for it was coming up very soon. Also, all of this stuff (the message and the trip) came up right after a talk about transparency in the relationship. She was always worried I would hide things from her and interrogate me on things often. (She has trust issues due to family stuff, but I've been patient with it.) So she really emphasized how she wants me to be transparent no matter what. Now, the message, at face value to me. So what? No big deal, just happy birthday. But lying and hiding it? Not cool. Vegas while we are stitching to relationship back together? Iffy, but I can deal with it. Hiding it from me? Again, not cool. Now I could handle Vegas otherwise, but she got extremely aggressive and argumentative when I told her that her hiding it from me made me feel really uncomfortable about it. She said she would get wasted again (but later said she only said that cause it was "what I wanted to hear"). She told me she felt like I was controlling her by not wanting her to go. I clarified that "I think Vegas is awesome and everyone should go in their lifetime. You should go." But she just kept at it (she's pretty conflictual). But the fight eventually ended after I kept bringing up the fact that I didn't want to fight and was mostly upset that she 1. Hid it from me and 2. Was so aggressive about it when it was brought up. So that was basically the story. How do you feel about this? Sure, I might be a bit worried if she went to Vegas, but now I feel extremely uncomfortable about her going given that she was hiding it from me. What course of action would you take in this situation? Thanks everyone.
xUnknown Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Also, all of this stuff (the message and the trip) came up right after a talk about transparency in the relationship. She was always worried I would hide things from her and interrogate me on things often. (She has trust issues due to family stuff, but I've been patient with it.) So she really emphasized how she wants me to be transparent no matter what. Now, the message, at face value to me. So what? No big deal, just happy birthday. But lying and hiding it? Not cool. Vegas while we are stitching to relationship back together? Iffy, but I can deal with it. Hiding it from me? Again, not cool. Now I could handle Vegas otherwise,[I] but she got extremely aggressive and argumentative when I told her that her hiding it from me made me feel really uncomfortable about it.[/i] You know, most people that cheat project themselves onto others and start blaming the other person for something they did, to make themselves not look guilty. How long have you two been together for originally? How long broken up? How long have you two been working on things since agreeing to get back together? In my opinion, end it with her. She wants to go to vegas to have fun. She wasn't telling you what you wanted to hear, she told you what she was going to do - which you knew she'd do also. You'll always suspect the worst when she goes on this trip....end it and save yourself the anxiety. Doesn't sound like its working out at this point, so I'd just cut your loss and find another girl that won't lie to you. I bolded that because regardless of how big or how small the lie is, it still hurts. She lied about messaging a guy she had a thing for, she lied about the trip (you even suspect she wouldn't have mentioned it). Sounds like you know what to do but looking for reassurance you'd be making the correct call. --You are. 2
kgcolonel Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 OP, you know without a doubt what she is, a liar. She's holding you to one set of values while she's not doing the same with herself. Is this what you want in a girlfriend? really?? You'll never have the level of trust in her that you'll want due to the fact that....well look at line 1. What more does one need to say here? Would she accept her excuse for lying if the roles were reversed? Ask her that.... 1
Author Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 @xUnknown We've been together for over 2 years including the time broken up which was about 3.5 months. We had decided to work on things maybe 2-4 weeks after the breakup and it was a pretty rough period of time for both of us, but things got better until the Facebook thing. Not long after that we got back together, but thought that and the getting back together, she was still hiding the Vegas trip because she "didn't want me to worry" and "didn't want to argue about it". And this is all after she emphasized how she wants transparency in the relationship. Also, on a side note, the Vegas trip is for some conference she wants to go to that she made friends with on the last one. She said she wants to 1. See her friends she hasn't seen since and 2. See Vegas. Which I totally understand, and while I may be concerned about Vegas, I wouldn't have made any issue of it. But given that she was deliberately keeping it from me, now I'm significantly more concerned.
Author Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 @kgcolonel I did ask her actually. Twice. First time she was fired up and got more upset at me. Second time, she was calmer and said no she wouldn't like that. Also, in reference to your second sentence, that's relevant in other aspects with her too. Just a few days ago I talked to her about how I might need to delay going to medical school so I can up my MCAT (Basically the SAT for med school) score so I can even get in in the first place. She was upset by that and said "What if we want to get married or even have kids?" I told her people pull it off and that in terms of money, I wouldn't be able to work, but I would be able to get enough in loans and help from my parents to get by relatively comfortable while she works. But she didn't like that idea at all. All the while she wants to take a job out of town and have me go with her. I have missed out on a lot of things (some that I am fine with missing out on though) for her, but she doesn't seem to want to bend for me much. She never MADE me do any of that though. She made her preferences in all that clear and sometimes I bent for her and sometimes I didn't. And while I bend for her more than she does for me, it's by my choice.
kendahke Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 What course of action would you take in this situation? . I'd develop my self discipline and stop dealing with someone I'd had a nasty break up with. There is a reason you two aren't compatible and no amount of fooling yourselves that you are is going to fix this.
Author Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 @kendahke The thing is, as wrong as it sounds from my post, we do get along pretty well and do share many views, passions, and interests. And, while I'm bot trying to divert blame from myself, only being open about the situation, she has anger issues. She has admitted to it. I have taken time to calm her down about many things that even have nothing to do with me while she is yelling at me. Her family has even talked to me about her problem. And her anger stems from her dysfunctional family. I've seen the situation first hand. So while there is alot of temper on her end, I try to make it a point for her to calm down before we talk about anything. So as for compatibility, everything really checks out with the fighting being her anger (she admits to it almost every time once she calms down). And I understand that every relationship has issues, and everyone has disagreements. I have less disagreements with her than any other girlfriend I have ever had, but more fights due to the handling of little things that often blow up on her end and turn into her mad, even if it was something she did wrong, and me trying to just calm her down so we can sort things out respectfully.
Author Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 @lolablue17 It's for some womens entrepeneurship conference. She wanted to spend time with her friends from the previous conference. I asked her before things blew up about me going and she just got upset about me asking.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 @kendahke The thing is, as wrong as it sounds from my post, we do get along pretty well and do share many views, passions, and interests. And, while I'm bot trying to divert blame from myself, only being open about the situation, she has anger issues. She has admitted to it. I have taken time to calm her down about many things that even have nothing to do with me while she is yelling at me. Her family has even talked to me about her problem. And her anger stems from her dysfunctional family. I've seen the situation first hand. So while there is alot of temper on her end, I try to make it a point for her to calm down before we talk about anything. So as for compatibility, everything really checks out with the fighting being her anger (she admits to it almost every time once she calms down). And I understand that every relationship has issues, and everyone has disagreements. I have less disagreements with her than any other girlfriend I have ever had, but more fights due to the handling of little things that often blow up on her end and turn into her mad, even if it was something she did wrong, and me trying to just calm her down so we can sort things out respectfully. Wow, you post, like so many others, with an issue that deep troubles you, but make excuses for your gf. She has anger issues....but.....We fight, but.....I bend more, but....Do want to hear what total strangers have to say regardless of whether it is positive or to your liking or not? 1. Your gf does not practice what she preaches 2. She has anger issues and her own family has warned you about them (I would SERIOUSLY not dismiss what her OWN family has to say) 3. She drinks to get wasted. You? She's still a party girl at heart. I'd be worried about what she would do in Vegas, frankly. I think part of the reason may be b/c she was going to go partying (and this 'conference') 4. Medical school is no picnic for the person in it and the person waiting, but she clearly has little or no intention of waiting. This bodes poorly. From what I can tell, she won't be around feeling like she supporting you while doing something she doesn't like/want to do. You have quite a few things to consider. One thing for certain, your breaking-up and getting back together business paints a picture of two people who don't have things together in the first place. Did you two resolve the problems that resulted in the breakup(s)? 1
Author Mrromantic Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 @simpleNfit The main thing that caused the downall leading to the breakup was her tendency to fight. I typically would not just back down but not step up at all and would allow her to run her anger at me while I remain sympathetic. I eventually started telling her to stop using me as a punching bag. That's where things went south. So as it is, it seems like I can go back to being soft and let her do her thing or she can work on her anger, which she says she's doing, but I honestly can't tell any difference. And as for party girl, she rarely goes out. And that's by her own preference. She doesn't care for clubs and all, but when her friends want to, she basically follows along with what they want. She doesn't have a strong base since she has trouble forming and keeping friendships (though it's not that she does anything mean to them. Her friends just kind of distance themselves from her sometimes), so she likes to follow others so she can I guess fit in. But she doesn't necessarily prefer to get wasted, but she also doesn't like to limit herself to what she knows her limit is.
Author Mrromantic Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Welp, she is still handling it terribly and being extremely disrespectful while yelling. Her mentality is that despite her lying and hiding things, I should just trust her and have no right to be worried about this after everything.
lolablue17 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I don't like this situation in which you lecture her what she should or shouldn't do, or you ask her to do things and she gets upset. It's like you beg her to do thing "for you". I don't like the equation. You might want to change that. Well, Vegas is a nice place, I wish you a great time there. No more fighting, no more I ask you to do this or that, no more i'm upset because you're lying to me. I give you my blessing, please go and don't come back. I'm going to find a gf who loves me. Bye bye.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 This is dysfunctional all the way around. You broke up for a reason. You didn't address any of those reasons but got back together without working on what tore you apart the first time. She went to a different conference before with the same group, got wasted & ignored you, which you didn't like. This was a source of friction in your relationship. Probably another thing you didn't address when you made up. You asked about her talking to other men via social media while you two were broken up. The fact that who she wished Happy Birthday to while she was single is an issue to you is a problem. You have no trust in this woman. Now she's being sneaky, evasive & defensive about another work trip. I can understand her not mentioning it but once you found out, after she said she kept if from you because she knew you'd get upset, she needed to sit down with you & address the issue, especially after how much friction the previous conference in Austin caused. There is a right way & a wrong way to interact with your SO. You two have it all wrong on both sides. Stop trying to force your relationship. Neither of you care enough about the other to put the other's concerns first.
enddeck Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Ok let me get this straight.Your girlfriend lies to you whenever she feels like it and then tells you it's for your own good.When you catch her in a direct lie she tells you that you should trust her.Her answer to when she is caught lying is to get defensive and aggressive. Has your girlfriend a golden vagina or something because the way she is treating you is disgraceful, and you are equally to blame for putting up with it. Don't walk away from her,run and never look back. 2
BluesPower Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 No enddeck, i am pretty sure that it is mink lined... That is the only reason that he would put up with this stuff. Let's say that she is not cheating on you. Lets just say. And let's just say that on her last trip, when she got wasted that she did not hook up with anyone at the hotel bar or what have you. Further, let's just say the she has no intention of hooking up with someone at Vegas, And surely she would not be hooking up with the same guy that goes to all of these conferences or is affiliated with the conference. Even if nothing like the above ever happened, you still have enough issues to dump her yesterday and never look back. Unless of course it actually is mink lined... 1
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