Frustrated after a few months of dating.

[imherewondering]

Hi LS,

 

I've been dating this guy since last summer. Things started out fun, we were going places/doing new things, honeymoon phase type stuff. He would suggest activities and vice versa. He used to say he was happy he found me, because he felt he was getting too old to be in the dating game (he's 40). Now it seems like he's gotten comfortable (or complacent?) and hasn't been initiating anything other than sex.

 

When I bring up the subject of going out and exploring he always asks me what I want to do, what I want to see, and what I want to eat. Basically he's all too happy to leave all the planning to me with very little input. Lately it seems his only idea of fun is Netflix and chill. I keep telling myself that it's fine, because we're both a bit introverted, but everything is not fine. It has started to build some resentment on my end. When he asks to hang out, I already know the protocol and it doesn't really make me excited to see him. In fact, and as passive as it sounds, I've been doing the typical girl thing where I'm now ignoring him and his texts. I'm usually the type to reply right away.

 

There are some other things bothering me such as he's a boring texter. I can't make conversation out of smilies. He has told me he's not much of a texter, so I don't text him often but I'll still get random emojis every now and then. When he doesn't reply within a day or two, I don't bring it up. But when I'm late with my replies he starts asking why I haven't replied. Things like that.

 

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm wondering if any of this can be salvaged and why I keep putting myself in this position if I am not having fun anymore. How can I approach this subject with him?

[Redhead14]

Hi LS,

 

I've been dating this guy since last summer. Things started out fun, we were going places/doing new things, honeymoon phase type stuff. He would suggest activities and vice versa. He used to say he was happy he found me, because he felt he was getting too old to be in the dating game (he's 40). Now it seems like he's gotten comfortable (or complacent?) and hasn't been initiating anything other than sex.

 

When I bring up the subject of going out and exploring he always asks me what I want to do, what I want to see, and what I want to eat. Basically he's all too happy to leave all the planning to me with very little input. Lately it seems his only idea of fun is Netflix and chill. I keep telling myself that it's fine, because we're both a bit introverted, but everything is not fine. It has started to build some resentment on my end. When he asks to hang out, I already know the protocol and it doesn't really make me excited to see him. In fact, and as passive as it sounds, I've been doing the typical girl thing where I'm now ignoring him and his texts. I'm usually the type to reply right away.

 

There are some other things bothering me such as he's a boring texter. I can't make conversation out of smilies. He has told me he's not much of a texter, so I don't text him often but I'll still get random emojis every now and then. When he doesn't reply within a day or two, I don't bring it up. But when I'm late with my replies he starts asking why I haven't replied. Things like that.

 

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm wondering if any of this can be salvaged and why I keep putting myself in this position if I am not having fun anymore. How can I approach this subject with him?

 

You may be finding that you two simply aren't compatible in terms of lifestyle preferences. However, if he says he's willing to do things with you, show him what you want. Make those plans/suggestions. He's probably gotten tired of being the one who was doing all the planning/initiating. That's kind of what the guys are expected to do in the very beginning but they get tired of doing that too.

 

And, let's face reality, the early days of dating are mostly about excitement/anxiety (where's this gonna go, when am I going to start feeling secure in the relationship, etc.) and at some point a couple settles into a routine and get "comfortable", less insecure, more relaxed. That's the holy grail really. But, if one party is the type who likes to do more during the week and on weekends and the other is more of a homebody, it means that they are on different pages in that regard.

 

If you want to do more things, call your friends, go out once in a while. You don't have to be connected at the hip with your partner either. If he won't go out with you at all, that's a problem. He sounds willing, so make suggestions.

 

From what you said about texting, etc., it sounds to me like you're feeling like the romance is gone and you need/want more attention, etc. Meaning, you're missing that early relationship HIGH. Keep in mind that that does fade and it's unrealistic to think/want that to continue forever. Some people are addicted to that and when things get settled and comfortable, they long for that again.

 

How can I approach this subject with him? -- "You know, Xname, I enjoy spending time with you but lately I feel as though we are in a rut. I'd like it if we did X more often, like we did in the beginning of our relationship. How do you feel about all this?".

 

And, have you two had a conversation about dating goals/expectations, etc.? or have you just being "going with the flow" so to speak?

[imherewondering]

You may be finding that you two simply aren't compatible in terms of lifestyle preferences. However, if he says he's willing to do things with you, show him what you want. Make those plans/suggestions. He's probably gotten tired of being the one who was doing all the planning/initiating. That's kind of what the guys are expected to do in the very beginning but they get tired of doing that too.

 

Perhaps you're right. I don't want to do ALL of the heavy lifting now. Balance has definitely shifted. Sometimes I'll get excited when he says he'll take me somewhere, but if I never remind him it never gets mentioned again. Even when he has an idea, he basically dumps the details on me. I'm an adult so if I want to go and see things I can do so on my own, but the fun of it is planning together and that seems to be lost.

 

And, let's face reality, the early days of dating are mostly about excitement/anxiety (where's this gonna go, when am I going to start feeling secure in the relationship, etc.) and at some point a couple settles into a routine and get "comfortable", less insecure, more relaxed. That's the holy grail really. But, if one party is the type who likes to do more during the week and on weekends and the other is more of a homebody, it means that they are on different pages in that regard.

 

I see what you're saying. It feels comfortable, but at the same time it feels like he's stopped trying altogether.

 

If you want to do more things, call your friends, go out once in a while. You don't have to be connected at the hip with your partner either. If he won't go out with you at all, that's a problem. He sounds willing, so make suggestions.

 

The thing is we're not connected. We may text a few times a week but don't see each other every day. We don't text all day every day either. It started off seeing each other on the weekends, then every other weekend. We have gone a month without seeing each other, but it has evened out to once every two weeks.

 

From what you said about texting, etc., it sounds to me like you're feeling like the romance is gone and you need/want more attention, etc. Meaning, you're missing that early relationship HIGH. Keep in mind that that does fade and it's unrealistic to think/want that to continue forever. Some people are addicted to that and when things get settled and comfortable, they long for that again.

 

I have friends that I can text on a whim, and it's like our conversations just flow naturally. Even with his minimal amount of texting it feels like I am pulling teeth and have to put all the effort into the conversations and ask all the questions, how he's doing, what's he up to on the weekends, only to get one word responses. For example, one weekend he texted me asking me what I was doing. I didn't have much going on, and same with him. I then asked in a flirty way why he hadn't invited me over then. His reaction was neither positive or negative, just "oh". WTF? He left it at that. It is frustrating.

 

How can I approach this subject with him? -- "You know, Xname, I enjoy spending time with you but lately I feel as though we are in a rut. I'd like it if we did X more often, like we did in the beginning of our relationship. How do you feel about all this?".

 

And, have you two had a conversation about dating goals/expectations, etc.? or have you just being "going with the flow" so to speak?

 

I will have to have this conversation so thank you for helping me find the words to say. I find myself catching glimpses of other happy couples, and instead of looking at him and feeling happy, I just feel sad now. I don't think I'll be much happier continuing on this way.

[Gaeta]

How often do you see each other? If you see each other several times a week there is no need to text. If you crave his text maybe it's time to escalate that relationship a bit and spend more time with each other.

 

If you started dating last summer I assume it's been about 8 months dating now. It's normal after that amount of time a little bit of routine settles.

 

I thought every man was like that, after the initial dating phase they pretty much slow down on making plans and they like leaving it up to us to organize them. The first 12 months of dating my bf organized several weekend trips and it's definitely me taking over that organization now.

[d0nnivain]

With the texting you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Some people don't text.

 

 

As for planning, some people are planners. Others are not. He sounds like he's happy to do what you plan.

 

 

If your needs aren't getting met & you want somebody who is more of a take charge person, he might not be your guy.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just a hunch, but is he older than you are (fairly significantly older, I mean)?

 

It sounds to me like he tried to "score" you by matching your activity level, then once you guys had DTD he figured you were locked in and then his real self could come out...a somewhat slower, not very enthusiastic guy who doesn't really want to do much but have sex and then put on Black is the New Orange.

 

He's not going to be getting any younger, or any more energetic. Not without a self-overhaul that he'd have to want, himself (irrespective of you), which is tricky (and unlikely), and even then...I don't know.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

I'd probably be moving on. I had a situation somewhat similar to this myself when I was 30 (he was 40). The guy had come on with a whole thing about how he needed a younger woman to "keep up with him" (and later commented that I was the OLDEST he "could" ever "possibly" go). Weeks later he was revealing ED, spinal stenosis/arthritis in his back that made it "impossible" for him to drive (all of a sudden) which meant all dates would be me driving to him, an inability to walk around for more than half an hour and like your guy, a fondness for sitting on his...staring at a movie and then reaching over for a feel.

 

No thanks.

[imherewondering]

How often do you see each other? If you see each other several times a week there is no need to text. If you crave his text maybe it's time to escalate that relationship a bit and spend more time with each other.

 

If you started dating last summer I assume it's been about 8 months dating now. It's normal after that amount of time a little bit of routine settles.

 

I thought every man was like that, after the initial dating phase they pretty much slow down on making plans and they like leaving it up to us to organize them. The first 12 months of dating my bf organized several weekend trips and it's definitely me taking over that organization now.

 

I answered this in a previous reply but it had to go through mod first...

 

"The thing is we're not connected (at the hip). We may text a few times a week but don't see each other every day. We don't text all day every day either. It started off seeing each other on the weekends, then every other weekend. We have gone a month without seeing each other, but it has evened out to once every two weeks."

 

"For example, one weekend he texted me asking me what I was doing. I didn't have much going on, and same with him. I then asked in a flirty way why he hadn't invited me over then. His reaction was neither positive or negative, just "oh". WTF? He left it at that. It is frustrating."

 

When he leaves those plans up to you, is it followed by any positive reinforcement? Like he tells you he enjoys the things you plan and they are always fun and he looks forward to them? Something like... appreciation?

[hippychick3]

Sounds like a very unsatisfying and unfulfilling "relationship." Seeing each other once every 2 weeks and you're not long distance? It sounds like the two of you have no connection at all.

 

It's only been a few months and if he's this complacent now, it's only going to get worse. I wouldn't even hesitate to move on.

[imherewondering]

With the texting you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Some people don't text.

 

 

As for planning, some people are planners. Others are not. He sounds like he's happy to do what you plan.

 

 

If your needs aren't getting met & you want somebody who is more of a take charge person, he might not be your guy.

 

I know he's not a big texter so I don't bombard him. I will text on 2 occasions 1) to double check on plans 2) ask how he's doing if we haven't spoken in a few days. That's it. None of this "I'm bored so entertain me" stuff. That's venting left for friends. He's the one texting me emojis thinking that will spark something. I'm not 12, ask me something, anything!

[imherewondering]

Just a hunch, but is he older than you are (fairly significantly older, I mean)?

 

It sounds to me like he tried to "score" you by matching your activity level, then once you guys had DTD he figured you were locked in and then his real self could come out...a somewhat slower, not very enthusiastic guy who doesn't really want to do much but have sex and then put on Black is the New Orange.

 

He's not going to be getting any younger, or any more energetic. Not without a self-overhaul that he'd have to want, himself (irrespective of you), which is tricky (and unlikely), and even then...I don't know.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

Yes, he's 11 years older. In the beginning he told me he liked to travel. Since we have been dating we have not gone on any trips. He talks about it all the time though, but nothing has come to fruition. You're right. I want to nudge him into going for it, but he has to want it too. He also told me he was a bit of a procrastinator... boy, am I seeing that now more than ever.

 

I'd probably be moving on. I had a situation somewhat similar to this myself when I was 30 (he was 40). The guy had come on with a whole thing about how he needed a younger woman to "keep up with him" (and later commented that I was the OLDEST he "could" ever "possibly" go). Weeks later he was revealing ED, spinal stenosis/arthritis in his back that made it "impossible" for him to drive (all of a sudden) which meant all dates would be me driving to him, an inability to walk around for more than half an hour and like your guy, a fondness for sitting on his...staring at a movie and then reaching over for a feel.

 

No thanks.

 

He initiates sex most of the time... Holds my hands. All other times he's got body aches.

[imherewondering]

Sounds like a very unsatisfying and unfulfilling "relationship." Seeing each other once every 2 weeks and you're not long distance? It sounds like the two of you have no connection at all.

 

It's only been a few months and if he's this complacent now, it's only going to get worse. I wouldn't even hesitate to move on.

 

We're very intimate when we're with each other...at home. It's the outside of the bedroom things I'm speaking of. But no, we're no LD. Although sometimes it feels an awful lot like we are.

[CaliforniaGirl]

How often do you see each other? If you see each other several times a week there is no need to text. If you crave his text maybe it's time to escalate that relationship a bit and spend more time with each other.

 

If you started dating last summer I assume it's been about 8 months dating now. It's normal after that amount of time a little bit of routine settles.

 

I thought every man was like that, after the initial dating phase they pretty much slow down on making plans and they like leaving it up to us to organize them. The first 12 months of dating my bf organized several weekend trips and it's definitely me taking over that organization now.

 

^ That hasn't been my experience. Overall, the guys I've been with have wanted to go out once in a while just like I did, and were glad to make plans or suggest places to go, and follow through. They already had the desire to go out and do something.

[Gaeta]

You are seeing each other only once each 2 weeks? Why so little?

 

This is not a relationship. No wonder you are frustrated at his little text communication. Sounds like your relationship turned into a bi-monthly hook up.

[Miss Peach]

If you're only seeing each other once every two weeks and there's not a good reason for it (plus little communication) then I would suspect the guy downgraded me into FWB territory - especially if all he wanted to do was Netflix and chill dates. I wouldn't be in a relationship and be that far in and be hoping for a future.

[hippychick3]

We're very intimate when we're with each other...at home. It's the outside of the bedroom things I'm speaking of. But no, we're no LD. Although sometimes it feels an awful lot like we are.

 

Well, of course. He likes the sex. He's not a boyfriend. He is not even a FWB as that would entail actually being a FRIEND. Sorry, OP, but he is nothing more than a FB right now. Set your standards higher and move on.

[imherewondering]

^ That hasn't been my experience. Overall, the guys I've been with have wanted to go out once in a while just like I did, and were glad to make plans or suggest places to go, and follow through. They already had the desire to go out and do something.

 

That's why I always thought too. Even among friends, this is how it's supposed to be.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hi LS,

 

I've been dating this guy since last summer. Things started out fun, we were going places/doing new things, honeymoon phase type stuff. He would suggest activities and vice versa. He used to say he was happy he found me, because he felt he was getting too old to be in the dating game (he's 40). Now it seems like he's gotten comfortable (or complacent?) and hasn't been initiating anything other than sex.

 

When I bring up the subject of going out and exploring he always asks me what I want to do, what I want to see, and what I want to eat. Basically he's all too happy to leave all the planning to me with very little input. Lately it seems his only idea of fun is Netflix and chill. I keep telling myself that it's fine, because we're both a bit introverted, but everything is not fine. It has started to build some resentment on my end. When he asks to hang out, I already know the protocol and it doesn't really make me excited to see him. In fact, and as passive as it sounds, I've been doing the typical girl thing where I'm now ignoring him and his texts. I'm usually the type to reply right away.

 

There are some other things bothering me such as he's a boring texter. I can't make conversation out of smilies. He has told me he's not much of a texter, so I don't text him often but I'll still get random emojis every now and then. When he doesn't reply within a day or two, I don't bring it up. But when I'm late with my replies he starts asking why I haven't replied. Things like that.

 

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm wondering if any of this can be salvaged and why I keep putting myself in this position if I am not having fun anymore. How can I approach this subject with him?

 

You left out the part on what you actually suggested. I think it's a good idea that he's asking what YOU want, because if he just did what HE wanted...that would be kind of uncool.

 

He's rather being unselfish by asking you, because he's thinking of you.

 

Besides, he's done a lot of the planning initially, so it's a back-and-forth thing. Typical of a relationship.

[imherewondering]

If you're only seeing each other once every two weeks and there's not a good reason for it (plus little communication) then I would suspect the guy downgraded me into FWB territory - especially if all he wanted to do was Netflix and chill dates. I wouldn't be in a relationship and be that far in and be hoping for a future.

 

It may sound contrary to what I've already written, but if it has now turned in FWB territory, I don't think I'd want to plan anything with him then. And none of this texting conversation either because it then starts blurring the lines and then one party (me) starts questioning everything.

[Redhead14]

Perhaps you're right. I don't want to do ALL of the heavy lifting now. Balance has definitely shifted. Sometimes I'll get excited when he says he'll take me somewhere, but if I never remind him it never gets mentioned again. Even when he has an idea, he basically dumps the details on me. I'm an adult so if I want to go and see things I can do so on my own, but the fun of it is planning together and that seems to be lost.

 

 

 

I see what you're saying. It feels comfortable, but at the same time it feels like he's stopped trying altogether.

 

 

 

The thing is we're not connected. We may text a few times a week but don't see each other every day. We don't text all day every day either. It started off seeing each other on the weekends, then every other weekend. We have gone a month without seeing each other, but it has evened out to once every two weeks.

 

 

 

I have friends that I can text on a whim, and it's like our conversations just flow naturally. Even with his minimal amount of texting it feels like I am pulling teeth and have to put all the effort into the conversations and ask all the questions, how he's doing, what's he up to on the weekends, only to get one word responses. For example, one weekend he texted me asking me what I was doing. I didn't have much going on, and same with him. I then asked in a flirty way why he hadn't invited me over then. His reaction was neither positive or negative, just "oh". WTF? He left it at that. It is frustrating.

 

 

I will have to have this conversation so thank you for helping me find the words to say. I find myself catching glimpses of other happy couples, and instead of looking at him and feeling happy, I just feel sad now. I don't think I'll be much happier continuing on this way.

 

 

You see each other once every two weeks???? -- That isn't a dating scenario/relationship -- It's FWB.

 

Like I asked earlier, have you two had any conversations about what you each are looking for out of your dating journey's?

[imherewondering]

You left out the part on what you actually suggested. I think it's a good idea that he's asking what YOU want, because if he just did what HE wanted...that would be kind of uncool.

 

He's rather being unselfish by asking you, because he's thinking of you.

 

Besides, he's done a lot of the planning initially, so it's a back-and-forth thing. Typical of a relationship.

 

I understand he wants to make me happy, and he is asking me for input. That's a good thing, and I'm not using that against him. It's the lack of planning for ALL of the events. I'm glad he asks me, but when he says "I will take you out for Christmas" and Christmas comes and goes and nothing happened, does that mean I will have to always plan where and when this stuff happens? Even surprises? I WANT him to have input too. Isn't that a partnership?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Just a hunch, but is he older than you are (fairly significantly older, I mean)?

 

It sounds to me like he tried to "score" you by matching your activity level, then once you guys had DTD he figured you were locked in and then his real self could come out...a somewhat slower, not very enthusiastic guy who doesn't really want to do much but have sex and then put on Black is the New Orange.

 

He's not going to be getting any younger, or any more energetic. Not without a self-overhaul that he'd have to want, himself (irrespective of you), which is tricky (and unlikely), and even then...I don't know.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them.

 

I'd probably be moving on. I had a situation somewhat similar to this myself when I was 30 (he was 40). The guy had come on with a whole thing about how he needed a younger woman to "keep up with him" (and later commented that I was the OLDEST he "could" ever "possibly" go). Weeks later he was revealing ED, spinal stenosis/arthritis in his back that made it "impossible" for him to drive (all of a sudden) which meant all dates would be me driving to him, an inability to walk around for more than half an hour and like your guy, a fondness for sitting on his...staring at a movie and then reaching over for a feel.

 

No thanks.

 

Funny, he had spinal stenosis/arthritis and had ED, but when he was 'in the mood", he could probably leap easily to the bedroom, yes? lol.

 

Although, 40 is kind of young to suffer what he's suffering and probably had nothing to do with old age. ED can start at 40? I thought it was a 50-something thing?

 

Something don't add up.

[stillafool]

I'm wondering if any of this can be salvaged and why I keep putting myself in this position if I am not having fun anymore. How can I approach this subject with him?

 

It can't be salvaged if you don't tell him what you've told us. Why haven't you had this conversation with him instead of ignoring it?

[imherewondering]

It can't be salvaged if you don't tell him what you've told us. Why haven't you had this conversation with him instead of ignoring it?

 

I am going to have a talk with him. I don't think he really wants to talk about anything "serious" though. He has told me he doesn't like receiving "bad" news unless it's over text. This isn't text-type conversation and I refuse to discuss important topics over text, so I'm trying to find the right words to say while still being true to myself.

[stillafool]

I am going to have a talk with him. I don't think he really wants to talk about anything "serious" though. He has told me he doesn't like receiving "bad" news unless it's over text. This isn't text-type conversation and I refuse to discuss important topics over text, so I'm trying to find the right words to say while still being true to myself.

 

I wouldn't worry about the "right words". Just tell him how you feel. You have to do what is right for you. He's a big boy and should be able to handle a conversation where you are stating your needs. If he can't at least handle that you don't need him. You can't constantly walk on eggshells to please him when your needs are being met. If it's that difficult for him he is not for you.

[Gaeta]

Asking again: Why do you see each other only each 2 weeks?