Need s on what action I should take next with ex girlfriend

[calebsheets11]

So me and my ex were together for 5 years. Up until 2 weeks before we broke up we were talking about marriage and moving in together. Then a week later she said she needs a break and a week after that she wanted a break up. She gave her reasons but I don't know which ones to believe. We've been apart for 3 months now so I know it wasn't another guy. For the first month I sent 2 long messages apologizing and telling her I've changed. She said she needed time to think about it. I was never bad for her but I took her for granted in some ways as is common in a long relationship.

I was very deseperare during that time and made a tinder account. I used it for a few weeks but haven't used it in about 2 months. Last time we talked was a month ago and I told her I'd respect the space that she wants. She told me she was very thankful for that. Anyways, 2 weeks ago she found out that I had a tinder account so she created one herself to try and get back at me I guess. I'm afraid that she was really hurt by that and might think I never really loved her. I've stuck with no contact despite the guilt I've felt. But I don't know whether I should explain why I made a tinder account and that it isn't at all who I am or whether I should just stick NC and never reach out again unless she contacts me.

Please help

[calebsheets11]

I want her to have the perception that I am much better than how acted during the time I created a tinder account and put an unfair amount of pressure on her. I have grown a whole bunch since then and I want her to know that. But I also don't want to come across as weak. I strongly feel that I might not ever hear from her again at this point

[d0nnivain]

Is age a factor here? Being together for 5 years starting in your mid 20s this is a huge issue. It probably means she doesn't want to move forward. If you got together in your teens & you are both about to graduate so that living together & talks of marriage are real for the 1st time could have scared her.

 

 

The stark reality is that not matter the stage in life, 5 years is a long time to be together. However 3 months apart also indicates that the break up is permanent.

 

 

Question becomes what can you do to self soothe & heal?

[calebsheets11]

I'm 22 and she is 20. I feel that no contact is necessary. We had a nearly perfect relationship for probably 90% of our time together. I know of lots of couples who were together for a long time at an early age, broke up for 6 months-year and then got back together and married. I feel we absolutely needed time apart as the relationship got too routine. But it's eats me up to leave a good perception. Do you think the tinder thing is that big a deal that I should explain it or should I just stick no contact?

[calebsheets11]

I feel that I never gave her much of a chance to miss me the first two months So that's why I'm definitely have decided to do no contact. But creating a tinder account so soon after we broke might make her hate me

[d0nnivain]

NC is a healing tool. It's how you get over her.

 

 

Whatever you do on Tinder, this soon after the end of a relationship is a REBOUND. Whether she hates you or not is irrelevant. You two are broken up. Her opinion no longer counts.

 

 

Sadly given your ages, yours is but one of hundreds of thousands of relationships that didn't survive the transition from being a teenager to being a true adult. I'm truly sorry for your pain but it's time to let go of childhood.

[calebsheets11]

Yea I quickly recognized talking to girls on tinder that soon was not the healthy thing for me to do. I wanted to leave a good impression with her just in case for the future. But I really don't want to initiate contact again. It's been 3 months and it just feels awkward to reach out to her.

[calebsheets11]

It's so hard when you commit to someone and they are such a huge part of your life and they suddenly turn. I certainly had no warning of it. It's ate at me every day for 3 months now. But I've at least had enough self control for the past month to not make things worse I guess.

[mourinho]

Yes, it's trully hard. I'm facing this day by day and it's seven months now.

Same as you - we were one step before moving together and marriage.

 

Don't worry about Tinder. This is not the real problem that your girlfriend has. Even if your are boiling inside please try to come down and look for possible reasons. Read about personalities, have a brighter view on her childhood and behavior. I will be better for you to understand that it's not only you who is guilty in this BU.

Taking a girl for granted is also the mistake I made. But how could you avoid it when you know that you are loved and that you trully love, and the relationship is 90% of happines? Sometimes problems outside the relationship make us blind. Sometimes we just feel lost.

Going NC is easier when you know that she gone to another guy, or cheated on you. How to let go when you know that she still love's you, but is stubborn in her decision?

I fighted 5 months. I have no power now. Days are passing and i lost somehow the sense of my young life.

You gave me little hope when writing that you know a lot of couples who got back together after such a long time. But even if i still dont think things are going to change.

And i have Tinder too. 14 matches but didnt write to them. I'm not ready. Not yet.

Take care.

[fromheart]

She broke up with you, so you started to look at other girls. And? So what? Did she expect you to go celibate for life in honor of her memory? If she wanted you to herself you gave her plenty of opportunity for that, but she turned it down.

 

You are now a single man, and will be looking after yourself. Meeting women online or in person makes you happy. When you are saying 'I was very desperate,' when you made the tinder account it sounds like you're apologizing. Don't apologize and feel guilty because you feel you have to be loyal to a woman who dumped you!

 

You're really demonstrating subservient behavior to her, when you are telling her you've changed and then waiting while she thinks about it. You are not meeting her on your terms and you will definitely not re attract her or any woman like this.

 

You state what you want, and if she doesn't feel the same you walk away with NC as any self respecting man would. It might seem like the painful path, but its the quickest path to your own happiness.

[calebsheets11]

Thanks SO MUCH for your alls opinions. I think it really helps talking on here. Yea I'm certainly not the only guilty one. And we needed time apart. Regardless of if we get back together or not. My best friend and his girlfriend were together for 4 years, took 9 months apart, and realized they were what each other wanted and they got married 6months later. I guess what you gotta do is focus on your own life and know that whatever is meant to be will be. It's hard cause when you still love her so much but it happens to almost all young couples that I know. I know 5 or 6 that got back together after a long period of time and know a few that didn't. It just depends

[calebsheets11]

I guess why the tinder account bothers me is I wanted to leave a good impression and have no animosity on her side. Just in case she changed her mind. What do you all think a woman's point of view is? Do you think it's better for them to think you're out dating other women or that you are respecting their space and being patient? Which is more attractive I guess is what I'm asking. That would determine whether I contacted her or not

[calebsheets11]

I'm 99% sure I'll just stick no contact. I think you gotta remove yourself from their life and make them think you aren't interested anymore for you to have any shot at them missing you

[coolheadal]

Sounds complicated to me your doing the right think you know...

[calebsheets11]

Thanks man. If I could go back I wouldn't have sent the long messages I did to her and I wouldn't have made a tinder account. But all I can do is make decisions based on the present. And texting her in any way at this point would not be beneficial I don't think. She either reaches out to me or we never talk again. I think that's how it's got to be. It's hard as hell but I'm not making myself look weak to her ever again.

[Maldives]

Thanks man. If I could go back I wouldn't have sent the long messages I did to her and I wouldn't have made a tinder account. But all I can do is make decisions based on the present. And texting her in any way at this point would not be beneficial I don't think. She either reaches out to me or we never talk again. I think that's how it's got to be. It's hard as hell but I'm not making myself look weak to her ever again.

 

It's funny hwo we oscillate over the smallest things and this happens wen we get dumped oh shld i do this was happens if they see this or that well how bout they ripped ur heart out wen they broke up think about that. It's happenned if u feel it'll give u some peace telling her whyou u did it then do it but ask ureself will she believe u anyway if u tell her? That's only a question u know the answer to my ex's never believed me wen I tried to explain or prove to them a point about anything it's like they doubted me even more even tho I was telling the truth it appeared I was lying the more I tried to prove it. I use to get feedback from my partners that that's what they've read the more u try to prove something chances are ur lying. I use to get so frustrated with them over this beam cause I was telling the truth go figure. So sometimes by trying to explain it because the action has happened creating the tinder account it the actions u did won't add add up to the explanation ur trying to give so it makes no difference. Ever hear the expression actions speak louder than words? So I think it in this case it's very appropriate it probably won't make any difference if u try and explain to her why u did it it may however she has to have truth in it and it to make sense to her so if it doesn't don't bother u just made a mistake. But I kno wat ur thinking she's thinking ur constantly on Tinder. That can either drive a person away or make them jealous and chase wen my ex broke it off wth me her going 1 on 1 wth guy work colleagues has done nothing more but push me away not to want her more if that makes sense but she dumped. Anyway God bless and hope it works out for you

[calebsheets11]

You're pretty much dead on man. But I have decided I won't contact her ever again unless she contacts me. I think it would result in her not believing me and making things worse. Or it would make me look weak and unattractive. It's so hard when you love the girl and aren't actually on tinder or hooking up with other girls. But I know she thinks I am. Unless someone has a really good reason why I shouldn't, I think keeping no contact is my best choice.

[calebsheets11]

The tinder thing has really bothered me the last 3 weeks. It's good for her to know I'm not waiting on her, but I don't know if her thinking I'm hooking up with girls on tinder is good. Still think no contact and her contacting me is only chance there is.