Bad Break Up after 2.5 years

February 28, 2017

Hi guys,

I'm glad I found this place, is giving me perspective and make me understand that many of us are going through similar situations.

My ex broke up with me 10 days ago via skype after 2.5 years together..., counting 6 months in a LDR. We had seen only once during the last 6 months. She is an artist and was involved in a very demanding project, both emotionally and physically for 6 weeks. After this project, she was coming to visit me and spend some time together and talk about our future.

Things were not going well for the last 6 weeks as I could see she was distancing from me and then the communication was very limited (under the excuse of needing her space). All this was debunked the day she broke up with me as she said she was avoiding me and she was thinking a lot about as and our future. (she probably got surrounded with the wrong people, that can really make the difference). To give some more context, I told her I was considering moving to her city and already started to get some insights about that option (with little excitement from her side). We were very much in love, we lived together for over 1 year, I've always been supportive and she told me at least twice that she saw me as the father of her kids and wanted to marry me.

Going to the point. The break up was done via Skype over a week ago, and she is now in town, she didn't wait to tell me face to face. Moreover, she was under a lot of stress and pressure when she made the decision. I'm not excusing her just explaining the context. When breaking up she was cold, distant, but also disrespectful (there was more people in the same room when skyping by the end of the conversation, and she even gave a little laugh to one of them while I was still there crying). To me, it didn't make sense the timing, but after this project, she was going to spend some times with friends on holidays in Asia.

I asked her that I couldn't understand the timing, as she was coming in a week to town and we could have talked face to face (like 2 adults). I could feel she wasn't telling me everything. Therefore, I asked her if she had feelings for someone else and she went silent, after asking her a second time she admitted and said yes, my next question was if this person was going to be travelling with her, to what she answered yes (there were 4 or 5 of them).

So basically, she abandoned me (she neglected me in a time of need), broke up with me and betrayed me.

Today is NC for 10 days, including her bday. Now that she is in town, a part of me wants to see her as it would be a chance for me to tell her how I feel and also get a real sense of the circumstances (seeing her face to face may help me move on easier, although it may be painful in the short term). Via skype doesn't feel real at some levels. The only possible scenario I would see her is if she contact me, and insists (meaning she has a different attitude than the break-up day), as otherwise I don't see the point of seeing her. I know NC is the best option to move on, I know this is the end and I don't want her back. But I feel like she has avoided having to confront her responsibility with me and the relationship, and I deserve better than a skype break up.

I can give more insights if needed, but some advice would be appreciated. After all, I just want to do what is best for me.

Thanks

March 3, 2017

Hi guys,

I'm glad I found this place, is giving me perspective and make me understand that many of us are going through similar situations.

My ex broke up with me 10 days ago via skype after 2.5 years together..., counting 6 months in a LDR. We had seen only once during the last 6 months. She is an artist and was involved in a very demanding project, both emotionally and physically for 6 weeks. After this project, she was coming to visit me and spend some time together and talk about our future.

Things were not going well for the last 6 weeks as I could see she was distancing from me and then the communication was very limited (under the excuse of needing her space). All this was debunked the day she broke up with me as she said she was avoiding me and she was thinking a lot about as and our future. (she probably got surrounded with the wrong people, that can really make the difference). To give some more context, I told her I was considering moving to her city and already started to get some insights about that option (with little excitement from her side). We were very much in love, we lived together for over 1 year, I've always been supportive and she told me at least twice that she saw me as the father of her kids and wanted to marry me.

Going to the point. The break up was done via Skype over a week ago, and she is now in town, she didn't wait to tell me face to face. Moreover, she was under a lot of stress and pressure when she made the decision. I'm not excusing her just explaining the context. When breaking up she was cold, distant, but also disrespectful (there was more people in the same room when skyping by the end of the conversation, and she even gave a little laugh to one of them while I was still there crying). To me, it didn't make sense the timing, but after this project, she was going to spend some times with friends on holidays in Asia.
I asked her that I couldn't understand the timing, as she was coming in a week to town and we could have talked face to face (like 2 adults). I could feel she wasn't telling me everything. Therefore, I asked her if she had feelings for someone else and she went silent, after asking her a second time she admitted and said yes, my next question was if this person was going to be travelling with her, to what she answered yes (there were 4 or 5 of them).
So basically, she abandoned me (she neglected me in a time of need), broke up with me and betrayed me.
Today is NC for 10 days, including her bday. Now that she is in town, a part of me wants to see her as it would be a chance for me to tell her how I feel and also get a real sense of the circumstances (seeing her face to face may help me move on easier, although it may be painful in the short term). Via skype doesn't feel real at some levels. The only possible scenario I would see her is if she contact me, and insists (meaning she has a different attitude than the break-up day), as otherwise I don't see the point of seeing her. I know NC is the best option to move on, I know this is the end and I don't want her back. But I feel like she has avoided having to confront her responsibility with me and the relationship, and I deserve better than a skype break up.
I can give more insights if needed, but some advice would be appreciated. After all, I just want to do what is best for me.
Thanks

If u feel seeing her face to face will give u closure then do it better be prepared to not hear wat u like and be in pain again and after definatly don't contact her and let her go. Wow woman man always the same story I hear on these boards developing feelings for someone else. S9ery mate to hear woman are cruel and a necessary evil

March 4, 2017

If u feel seeing her face to face will give u closure then do it better be prepared to not hear wat u like and be in pain again and after definatly don't contact her and let her go. Wow woman man always the same story I hear on these boards developing feelings for someone else. S9ery mate to hear woman are cruel and a necessary evil

Not so fast. Just because you encountered a bad experience with a woman does not make them cruel or a necessary evil. That's just ridiculous. There's just as many bad guys out there as girls, probably more honestly.

Guys and girls are no different, they're equal in every sense.

Sorry, OP, I wanted to address that first.

Back to your situation...

Do NOT contact her. Stay no contact. Why would you want to see somebody who broke up with you through Skype and then laughed at you because other people were in the room?! I'm assuming the guy she has feelings for was probably the one laughing..not 100%..but I've seen this happen because I've been that guy before.

March 5, 2017

Thanks for your comments.

I have some updates. After 12 days of NC, she sent me an email, she was coming to town to spend a few days (and somehow also leaving the bubble she was part of). I took me a long full day to think what I wanted to do and that would be the best for me. In her email, I saw the person I dated and she seemed honestly sorry about her actions, so I accepted to see her.

That happened yesterday, and it was really hard to see her (we both cried a lot), and there were no games from any part. I can say it was more positive than negative. It's true seeing her may have hold me a bit back, but I also managed to say things to her face to face that I need to express and we came afterall to better terms.

I think she wanted to meet so she could feel less guilty, and to see me. From my side, I wanted to say how she made me feel and how hard it's been the whole situation for the last few weeks. Also, I still saw the person I felt in love with (bearing in mind she has changed), so somehow was comforting to see that that person still there somehow and she hasn't become someone I had nothing to do with (it also raise me question about how come I could had had feelings towards someone like that). This may make the process of moving on more difficult, as been mad towards someone its the quick and easy way, but I didn't want to be hooked up in the idea and the memory of someone going thru a phase, but rather see the person more clearly.

I think she also wanted to see me so she didnt want to burn the whole bridge, and we could finish in better terms. She told me that her decision is based on her actual challenges and she hasn't come to this decision because of anyone else. I believe her. I can tell she is very conflicted internally, and she is not ready to be in a relationship).

I dont want to extend me too much, but we said that there could be another time to meet up before she heads back to the city she is living now. She said, if you want to meet I would be up for it. So I texted her, so we can meet tomorrow, maybe we can talk a bit about yesterday, add something that may have left unsaid from my side and I'm also going to give her a few belongings I had from her. Tomorrow is not confirmed yet, and she may change her mind. But, this is what I feel like doing.

After that I assume, and I will be ready to go NC for a long period and take the time to focus on me. I don't want to be with anyone else, I want to heal, take care of myself, invest in me and become a great version of myself. Then I will start making decisions about changes in my life and thinking what I want for my love life.

March 16, 2017

Update

It's been almost a month since the breakup. But as I mentioned, I ended up seeing her as mentioned earlier, and then decided to see her one last time to say goodbye, give her some stuff I had of her but most importantly get a better understanding of the reasons that led to the break up (so I can learn from this and get a better perspective). It was a 8 hour and 3-hour meeting respectively, as you can imagine there was a lot said, and I been writing about it as it helps to process.

Before meeting her I decided that I wanted to listen more than to talk, as I was mostly talking during the first meeting. When I asked her if she wanted to add anything to what we talked in our previous meeting, she said that she hadn't much to say. That meant I had to take the initiative again and go around in order to get her to open herself. (communication from her side hasnt been good during the relationship).

She said she didnt want to make it about me or upset me, but after insisting she ended up sharing it with me telling me how frustrated she had been, how she couldn't share some of her views or needs in the relationship. To that, I mentioned that she accepted that she couldnt communicate well, not only with me, but also with other people (as she couldnt deal well with conflict at her previous jobs, leading to high emotional stress situations for her and giving up the jobs). She also mentioned the same commitment regarding getting married and moving forward. I mentioned her that we needed to go thru difficulties and challenges to get to know each other better and then I will start really thinking about such a commitment, I didn't stop telling her how much I loved her and all that things while we were together, also having a LDR while you are 32 shows you are truly committed .

All this conversation was happening in a sofa at the corner of a pub, and we cried a lot together and hug each other as we still care. At some point, she said to me that I was the only person that truly knew her,

This two meetings, helped me in some ways for the long term, although I had to admit that it opened the wound and I felt very emotional and sad the days after.

It's been 10 days now. We agreed that we would not get in touch for a while, and that we will give space to each other. Although she said that if I needed to talk to her I can contact her to afterwards say that if she felt the same way she will get in touch. I can see she is really scared of not having me in her life at any level, she also said that she knew we will meet at some point again (when I said this was very hard, and this was a goodbye). I havent check her FB or Instagram at all since the break up, I'm about to delete this now, as it was the last link we had together, and I didn't feel ready till now that I found the courage (by telling myself I will do it today for the last 2 days) and the need to completely disconnect from her, but also not letting her know about what's going on with my life. (I will also delete her family from FB).

Thanks for reading, any advice would be appreciated. We ended up having a friendly break up, but I won't forget what she made me go thru in the last two months and the way she broke up with me. I know I deserve better, but she also has been the person I had loved the most in my entire life.

With this, I'm closing a chapter, to open another one that will be to focus on the things that didn't work between us and see the silver linings and problems we had, and why this didn't work and what I want and I look for in a girl. In this relationship, I was the caretaker and she was always supported in me. I need/want someone I can rely on and grow up together. Because after all I feel used, as went things went wrong for me is when she left me.

March 18, 2017

I read this today like I feel like sharing with you,

"Relationships don't last because of the good times; they last because the hard times were handled with love and care"

May 6, 2017

Today it's 2 months of NC!! I still think about her everyday to a different extend.

I have been strong in that sense as I havent check absolutely anything, altough a part of me sometimes would like to hear from her (not that I would respond). We are 10,000 km away and somehow it makes thing easier but also more difficult.

I've been reading a lot and done lot of personal work and I can to some conclusions that help me understand that I was part of a relationship that left me empty and brought me down. No more fixing or care taking, no more putting other's people priorities first, time for boundaries, time to date woman no girls (once I'm ready). I believe I was the fixer-upper dater in a relationship with someone who has some if not full, codependency.

I can pass some references if anyone is interested. I'm actually gathering my notes from videos, articles and books. I was thinking of sharing them with you guys if interested.

At the moment, I'm not in the game, altough I miss having some intimacy as due to my work and times I can be feel isolated. I dont want any external validations or rebounds, (I'm better than that) I just want to be truly happy by myself. Once I achieve that I will put my energy on other things.

May 6, 2017

Thanks for your story, my ex was living with me was going through a lot of stress since she was in the process of losing her job.. They gave her a year to find one and if not she would lose her job. I tried to reassure her things would be ok but she pushed me away and made everyone else a priority but me. She lost all emotions it seemed for me and everything else. It hurt when she moved out but with every text I knew he emotions were gone, she doesn't feel anything especially for me. I broke the NC and I regret it not because she said anything hurtful just that she was not taking care of herself and putting herself first! I am heartbroken but your story gives me hope thanks a ton for sharing it.

I wish she would of said goodbye or I am breaking up with you instead of I mostly moved out and its for the better you will be better off. =/.

May 7, 2017

Today it's 2 months of NC!! I still think about her everyday to a different extend.

I have been strong in that sense as I havent check absolutely anything, altough a part of me sometimes would like to hear from her (not that I would respond). We are 10,000 km away and somehow it makes thing easier but also more difficult.

I've been reading a lot and done lot of personal work and I can to some conclusions that help me understand that I was part of a relationship that left me empty and brought me down. No more fixing or care taking, no more putting other's people priorities first, time for boundaries, time to date woman no girls (once I'm ready). I believe I was the fixer-upper dater in a relationship with someone who has some if not full, codependency.

I can pass some references if anyone is interested. I'm actually gathering my notes from videos, articles and books. I was thinking of sharing them with you guys if interested.

At the moment, I'm not in the game, altough I miss having some intimacy as due to my work and times I can be feel isolated. I dont want any external validations or rebounds, (I'm better than that) I just want to be truly happy by myself. Once I achieve that I will put my energy on other things.

Wat i would suggest is don't try to be the complete opposite of wat u were in the next relationship wat that tells me is u haven't completly unravelled the baggage that came aftrr this relationship ended. This is key because I've done exactly wat ur thinking of dong and people are different. Any success in a relationship requires both of u to be vulnerable and open. No walls around the heart. Once u start putting up a wall the other person can't get in and vice versa. Having said that it's hard to know wat the next ones going to be like so watch for red flags and try and hav an idea of wat ur looking for in a girl before dating again that way ur not going in blind and u hav some sort of idea wats important to u and good luck work on that baggage first tho u know there's no baggage wen u stop saying thingsomething like i wont be like that again in a relationship u got it back to front there that's ur baggage and fear talking which cld possibly sabotage the next relationship

May 8, 2017

Thanks for your story, my ex was living with me was going through a lot of stress since she was in the process of losing her job.. They gave her a year to find one and if not she would lose her job. I tried to reassure her things would be ok but she pushed me away and made everyone else a priority but me. She lost all emotions it seemed for me and everything else. It hurt when she moved out but with every text I knew he emotions were gone, she doesn't feel anything especially for me. I broke the NC and I regret it not because she said anything hurtful just that she was not taking care of herself and putting herself first! I am heartbroken but your story gives me hope thanks a ton for sharing it.

I wish she would have said goodbye or I am breaking up with you instead of I mostly moved out and its for the better you will be better off. =/.

I'm glad to hear that sharing my story helps you.

The easy part of the relationships are when things are going well, and the most important parts are how your partner behaves when things are difficult. If someone can not rely on you or find problems instead of solutions, in the long run, it's going to be a bumpy road.

In my case, I tried it to make it work and did what was in my part and I have no regrets in what I did and behave. I think that probably she will feel guilty for her actions (I would be very disappointed with myself if I was her, because of how she dealt with the last weeks of the relationship and the break up).

In the future, I will be able to forgive but I won't forget. Sometimes you can see the real person when they are under difficulties and how they deal with others. What I truly believe it helps to start moving on its to internalise the idea that you/we deserve someone next to use that want to be with us and want to fight for the relationship.

May 10, 2017

Wat i would suggest is don't try to be the complete opposite of wat u were in the next relationship wat that tells me is u haven't completly unravelled the baggage that came aftrr this relationship ended. This is key because I've done exactly wat ur thinking of dong and people are different. Any success in a relationship requires both of u to be vulnerable and open. No walls around the heart. Once u start putting up a wall the other person can't get in and vice versa. Having said that it's hard to know wat the next ones going to be like so watch for red flags and try and hav an idea of wat ur looking for in a girl before dating again that way ur not going in blind and u hav some sort of idea wats important to u and good luck work on that baggage first tho u know there's no baggage wen u stop saying thingsomething like i wont be like that again in a relationship u got it back to front there that's ur baggage and fear talking which cld possibly sabotage the next relationship

Thanks for the good advice Goodguy05. I could see some patterns in my previous relationships so I'm doing some important and changing personal work. That won't mean I will want to change how I understand relationships to the full extent, but I would, for example, focus more in nurturing than caretaking, I will be able to set more boundaries and see some red flags earlier. I want someone mature and able to be there for me, as well, a person that want to grow up thru personal work and by supporting each other (rather than supporting in each other). Move from an idea similar to codependency to interdependency.

I lost myself and identity in my previous relationship because I didn't put myself first, and my ex was in a better place and I actually needed support she wasnt there for her. Its keen to be yourself but at the same time dont make the same mistakes

Edited May 10, 2017 by BG1

May 15, 2017

Heading very shortly into my 3rd month since the break up with a better mental state and with some big changes. I still have days in which I can't stop thinking about her but the last couple of weeks its been mostly about the dreaming about her... I'm not in the market and not even considering to start looking, this will take time. It's true that a part of me thinks, she dumped me you don't own her anything. But I think I'm a complex person and need to overcome things before considering putting myself out there.

I don't know why, the last 2 days I have this feeling that she is really wanting to get in touch with me, that she is struggling with that. It's the first time I feel so, but it clearly makes me think when and how the NC will be broken, if it's going to be in 2 months, 6 months or in 2 days... I saw her cousin from the bus to work. She told me to contact her when ready, and that she wanted to have a friendship with me. I don't think dumpees should be the ones reaching out even when ready. Keeping strong and holding the NC 2 firmly. For my own sake and mind.

By the way, I shared this break-up manual, very very useful. Please do check it out, I wanted to be in this forum but went to general discussion.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/623784-getting-over-break-up-manual

May 31, 2017

Almost 3 months with no contact. I'm doing much better but still think about her everyday.

I came to a realisation recently. She was in love with me but she didn't love me, and that is a big difference.

August 8, 2017

Over 5 months of NC.

I still have waves and I have my ups and downs, but I'm starting to go on dates and somehow a voice inside me starting to tell me that it's time to be happy and not let my past relationship have such a great deal of power over me.

I think I will need a few more months to be completely healed, to basically feel indifference towards my ex.

Sometimes I feel tempted to break the NC by googling her but I won't do it. It not worth opening the Pandora box.

August 8, 2017

hey, I've gone through a break up with an artist last fall myself. Similar to you we lived together for a while, then she moved away for a job and we were LD, with frequent visits. I've been supportive with paperwork, international moving, her family, job insecurity, you name it. She started to pull away by being upset at the most meaningless of things and by baselessly accusing me of cheating. I wasn't having it and then she tried to force me into submission by making me apologize for things I haven't done. Eventually it sank in and I let her go.

It was hard and drove me crazy, but I've pulled through. Stay away from google and social networks. One day at a time.

Good luck.

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