nowhereboy Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Wasn't too sure where to post this but this has been on my mind a while now. I've read so many posts on here about people being cheated on, or people being dumped and within weeks the ex is sleeping with someone else etc. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, I'm 32 years old and have a bit of a problem with the casual attitude many people my age seem to have with sex. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, I'm not sure. I just know if I claim to love someone I could NEVER crap all over their feelings by leaving and sleeping with someone else right away, even if me feelings for the ex had changed etc. I've recently spoke to a few men who's wifes/girlfriends stated they feel the same way about this but then went on to sleep with someone right after the break up. One bloke in particular found out his loyal loving "perfect" wife had a three way with two dudes one week after he moved out, in his own bed. Am I a rare breed? I would only sleep with someone if I cared for them deeply, would never cheat and would never do anything knowing that it would hurt someone. I can't stand this Geordie shore style culture where everyone is just f*cking everyone. It's just shallow and kind of disgusting to me. I always like to think sex is special between two people and have always struggled with the thought of one of my partners just leaving and getting with someone else right away. It kind of makes the whole relationship thing seem like a bit of a joke. You spend years telling each other you have eyes for only each other, building trust and assuring you are all each other need, to go and do something like that after seems crazy to me, heartless even. Am I holding back my own happiness by thinking this way? I'm thinking it's probably more like a personal problem I have, I would never want a girlfriend knowing she had a slutty past etc either. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 no you arent holding back your happiness to compromise your values and standards causes great unhappiness actually..you need to find someone with the same standards and values to be truly happy.....deb
Author nowhereboy Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Thank you. Part of the reason I've wrote this is because I fear my ex of two weeks is now with someone else already, I don't even know why I think this, I just have a feeling. It would go against everything she said she was, everything she believed in and everything she did while in the relationship. Like if this woman is with someone else already I'll struggle to trust anyone again, we had a few talks on this issue, shared the same beliefs etc, she was so innocent and precious with me. If she can do it then anyone can. I might just be being paranoid.
lionlover1973 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) It is not all that uncommon, for someone coming out of a long term relationship to "get a little wild”. Some people suggest, that for some women, they have already ‘checked out’ of the prior relationship, emotionally. The detachment progressed over time in response to an unhealthy relationship. These women have attempted to repair the relationship for a while but are at the end of their rope. At that point, she’s just done, because she mourned the relationship as it deteriorated. Depending on the nature of the relationship and how/why it ended, plays an important role: Those that are distressed and indignant, may use sex as a coping strategy. They are looking for a form of validation and a way to fill the deep void for all that was lacking in their previous relationship. So, I agree with your sentiments, to a degree. Unfortunately, you can’t control what someone does after a relationship ends. I mean heck, some of my ex’s were in a ‘serious relationship’ with a new woman not too long after our relationship ended. It hurt deeply but what could I do? That didn’t really affect my ability to trust, for me personally, what impacted my ability to trust was what occurred while IN the relationship. You need to take your ex off the pedestal and reflect more on why the relationship ended as opposed to what she is doing in the aftermath. And of course, nurturing yourself while in recovery. Edited February 28, 2017 by lionlover1973 2
spiderowl Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) I think it's fairly usual for people to want one significant other and to want them to be faithful/to be faithful to them. But some do seem capable of eyeing up others as well and considering them if the opportunity arises. That aside, I think that some of the cases you mention could be a normal sort of situation too. When you feel rejected or hurt by a significant other, then there is often a 'rebellious' stage where you feel more inclined to just go out and have fun. It is kind of self-medication/self-harm situation, needing to feel good about oneself again and to a certain extent throwing caution to the wind in the short term. Of course, it is self-sabotaging too in that a casual liaison or relationship is not likely to make you feel too good, apart from the physical release, but then feelings and impulses are not logical. Edited March 1, 2017 by spiderowl
anika99 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Thank you. Part of the reason I've wrote this is because I fear my ex of two weeks is now with someone else already, I don't even know why I think this, I just have a feeling. It would go against everything she said she was, everything she believed in and everything she did while in the relationship. Like if this woman is with someone else already I'll struggle to trust anyone again, we had a few talks on this issue, shared the same beliefs etc, she was so innocent and precious with me. If she can do it then anyone can. I might just be being paranoid. Although I share some your sentiments I think you need to be a little more logical and a little less emotional about this. Your ex is an ex and therefore she owes you no loyalty at this time. Even if she is seeing someone new already it doesn't make her untrustworthy as there is no longer any reason for her to be faithful to you. I get what you are saying in that if your ex has already hooked up with someone else then that contradicts what she said her beliefs were regarding sex and relationships and therefore how can you trust what anyone says when their actions don't match their words. I totally get it and I have felt exactly as you when an ex has moved on quickly to the next woman while I'm still crying myself to sleep every night. I totally get it. But the thing is that breakups can cause a deep pain in people. People can experience overwhelming feelings of abandonment, rejection and unworthiness. It can be a huge hit to ones self esteem. When people have extreme emotional reactions to a break up the overwhelming feelings are often rooted in old childhood traumas. Nobody likes to feel that pain and everyone has different ways of coping with it. Some people drink too much for awhile, some people throw themselves into staying super busy so they don't have time to stew, some people isolate and go through a period of depression, and some people immediately hook up with someone new to get validation and to soothe their wounded ego. So I guess I'm saying you shouldn't read too much into your ex being with someone else already. It doesn't mean she didn't have true feelings for you. It doesn't mean that she was lying to you when she told you her beliefs. It could just be that she's trying to outrun the pain of the breakup by seeking the attention of a new suitor. I'm not saying that is healthy or not healthy, people have different opinions on that, but if you are no longer her partner then she isn't doing you wrong. 1
Chilli Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 How is it a personal problem you have , what's the problem ? l'm like that and beive it or ot there are many others , yet l know how disheartening it is seeing what almost seems the average thing out there is these days. l notice all the same things. l was in a divorce forum for 2yrs , getting over my divorce ,with many others in there 4 and 5yrs. But l was amazed too at how many people joined up in that forum all moaning and groaning and claiming to be all so heart broken after their 20yr marriage broke up - yet 2mths later , or 6mths later, or 12mths later , they had new bf's or gf's , or just couldn't even survive long enough without their sex to get over their break up and were dragging new people home from nights out . And l'm sorry girls but the women were by far the worst. You couldn't believe one effg word a lot of them said about how heartbroken up they were with their marriage ending because 8 out of 10 would go on in their very first story about what had happened , only to end up complaining at the end of it somewhere , about not having had sex for 2 mths now or some bs., Their families and children had just been destroyed, yet at the end of the day their biggest worry was not getting any sex for a few mths. You could always pick those ones in that forum and sure as eggs, within mths they'd be shacked up with someone new or be dragging guys home from all night pub crawls and binges .Made me sick. l'm an extremely highly sexed guy but when mine broke up, that last thing on my mind was sex and for yrs , not just a few mths. 1
Author nowhereboy Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Ditto. I like sex obviously but I just couldn't be physical with someone so quickly outside of a long term relationship. It would just feel wrong. Regardless of the circumstances. She used to always say the same. To be honest I have no evidence that my ex is seeing anyone and no real reason to believe it. Just got a weird feeling inside me. I think they call it paranoia haha...
Chilli Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 yeah , but it could also be called a gut feeling and they're usually right so l'll bet she is sorry. Mine said she would never ever get divorced and when she did that she then said she'd never get married again. , did both. But l do hear you on the feelings needed l don't do casual . But you'd be surprised , there are a lot of people like that out there too, particulary in guys. Many in that forum still weren't interested even after 5 or 6 yrs.
duncsvoice Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 I'm kind of the same as you, well I used to be. I was very much like if I'm sleeping with someone, I want to be in a relationship with them. Then my ex shacked up with someone within about a month, and I just thought "f**k it!" and approached sex a lot more fluidly. Not bonking everyone I saw, and there still had to be a level of attraction there, but I became a lot more relaxed about it last year. When I did sleep with someone, I knew necessarily it might not go anywhere, but I enjoyed the closeness. Alas, saying that, I've since met a girl who I'm deeply in love with and committed to. Swings and roundabouts, I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with sleeping about, providing you're safe and both parties are happy.
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