She waits until I fall asleep to....

[TheGirthMachine]

She waits until i fall asleep and then she goes searching through my phone!! She had even screenshotted my conversations with my friends and sent them herself so she can show friends/family...

 

Please can I get some opinions on this. I have spoken to her and asked her to stop going through my phone but it hasn't helped.

 

Hi btw

[d0nnivain]

If you are unwilling to break up with her for such egregious violations of your privacy, at least lock your phone.

[central]

I suggest dumping her, but you could have some fun with it first. Enlist a buddy and plant a fake conversation on your phone for her to find. If you know what she fears most that's making her snoop, make it seem like you're planning for that to happen. After she sees it and freaks out, then dump her!

 

 

Alternatively, just lock your phone if you want to keep this invasive, obnoxious person in your life.

[JamesM]

Who is she? Are you two married? Is it your girlfriend? Is it your sister?

 

Why is she going through your phone? Jealousy? Mistrust? Some other reason?

 

Honestly, with the info given, we can make many assumptions, but they may not be true. A little more background info would be helpful.

[Whoknew30]

Lock & hide your phone, done! (

[Larryville]

If you are unwilling to break up with her for such egregious violations of your privacy…

 

So she must be seriously hot so dumping her is not an option.

 

So you’re on here asking for opinions on a woman you should have dumped a long time ago?

Kinda like a woman who is being physically or emotionally abused. Something MUCH deeper going on here.

 

Since you took the time to post, spill all of the issues or this is pointless.

You should not be with someone if you MUST lock your phone. WTF!?

[JamesM]

People, reread the post. Many assumptions are being made.

[TheGirthMachine]

Thanks for the responses guys. Ok so we've been seeing eachother for bout 2 years. She moved into my place after about a year. But she used to stop over a lot before this. She was very open about her insecurities and the fact that she has been cheated on a lot in her previous relationships. I told her I had nothing to hide and wanted to help with her insecurities by letting her know my password. I didn't think she would go through my phone though, more of just an insurance thing for her so that she could trust me.

 

She saw messages to my mates in a wattsapp group that were typical lad comments about girls being fit etc. Nothing serious, just banter. But even before she saw any of this she used to go through my phone a lot. When i was on holiday she also went through my laptop to see what I had on there. I deleted Facebook for her cause she used to get really paranoid about girls messaging me on there. She used to go onto my Instagram and check all the photos ive likes (I didn't realise you could even do this).

 

I have split up with her before because of this behaviour, but we got back together on the understanding that it would stop. It hasn't. I have now asked for a break while I get my thoughts together. I always take my phone into the bathroom while I have a shower to listen to music or talk sport, but she says if I do that then it means that I am cheating. I love her to bird, she can be amazing at times, but she has major aggression problems due to her insecurities. And this is something that I am now unable to put up with...

[preraph]

For starters, lock your phone with a password or thumbprint. That doesn't solve the relationship problem, though. She is either nosy or just doesn't trust you, so you have to find out what the root of that is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ten characters

[alphamale]

, at least lock your phone.

 

^^^^^^this

[TheGirthMachine]

More info:

 

I take her out for food and drinks, she says I'm staring at other girls (I'm not), so she kicks off in public.

 

We were out shopping, she was in top shop I was in Topman, I bought stuff while she was still shopping in her section, she was unhappy about this as she wanted to see what I bought before actually buying it, she told me to go **** myself on public due to this.

 

If a friend texts me and I reply, she constantly quizzes as to who is it, asking me why I'm always dodgy with my phone.

 

I made myself a drink while she was in the shower, she told me to go **** myself as she couldn't believe I would do this as it clearly means I don't love her.

 

I put a snapchat of my cats onto my story, she kicks off as she says this means I'm after female attention.

 

These are just a few more examples off the top of my head

[TheGirthMachine]

^^^^^^this

 

I do lock my phone, but she knows my passcode. I have changed my passcode but then she kicks off and accuses me of cheating and having something to hide. So to save argument I tell her my passcode on the basis she will stop going through my phone. She doesn't. It's worse when she's drunk

[JamesM]

 

I have split up with her before because of this behaviour, but we got back together on the understanding that it would stop. It hasn't. I have now asked for a break while I get my thoughts together.

 

You already gave her an ultimatum. She changed temporarily. She called your bluff and did as before once things settled back to normal.

 

Now you have no choice but to leave.

 

And thank you for filling in the information gaps. Good to know it wasn't your sister.

[d0nnivain]

I have split up with her before because of this behaviour, but we got back together on the understanding that it would stop. It hasn't. I have now asked for a break while I get my thoughts together. I always take my phone into the bathroom while I have a shower to listen to music or talk sport, but she says if I do that then it means that I am cheating. I love her to bird, she can be amazing at times, but she has major aggression problems due to her insecurities. And this is something that I am now unable to put up with...

 

 

This is a recurring pattern with her. It will never stop.

 

 

You gave her your password but her taking screen shots of your messages & sharing them with others outside of the relationship is a huge violation of your privacy.

 

 

If you are genuinely afraid of her aggression break up with her in a public place & have someone at your apartment while she packs. Worst case scenario get the police involved & apply for a restraining order.

[Mr Scorpio]

This woman is not presently emotionally fit to be in a serious relationship.

[sandylee1]

Get rid of her pronto.

[Downtown]

I deleted Facebook for her cause she used to get really paranoid about girls messaging me on there.... I have split up with her before because of this behaviour, but we got back together on the understanding that it would stop. It hasn't. I have now asked for a break while I get my thoughts together.

TGM, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., paranoid reactions, great fear of abandonment, very controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, "major aggression problems," lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, TGM.

[TheGirthMachine]

TGM, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., paranoid reactions, great fear of abandonment, very controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, "major aggression problems," lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, TGM.

 

 

Omg I've read them 18 behaviours and the has the majority of them. To quote a high extent as well. It was crazy reading them as it was as though you were just describing her! So what does all of this mean?

[Downtown]

Omg I've read them 18 behaviours and the has the majority of them.... So what does all of this mean?

TGM, it means you've been observing a strong pattern of BPD behaviors. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about childish behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

How serious the problem is depends not only on how strong the traits are but also on whether they are persistent, i.e., a full lifetime problem. Most occurrences of strong BPD traits are only temporary flareups of the BPD traits we all have. These flareups nearly always are caused by drug abuse or, most commonly, by a hormone change -- e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, or perimenopause (or any other life event starting with the letter "P," LOL).

 

If serious hormone and drug problems can be ruled out, the remaining common cause of strong BPD traits is a stunted emotional development, i.e., something occurring before age five that caused her emotional development to freeze at the level of a young child. This is a far more serious problem because it is results in BPD traits that are permanent unless the BPDer undergoes years of intensive therapy to acquire the emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood.

 

The BPDer needs to learn, for example, how to do self soothing, how to regulate all of her emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong mixed feelings, how to trust, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts," and how to stay aware of the present instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future. Absent those skills, she must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

 

Significantly, if your exGF's strong BPD traits are really persistent, you likely will find evidence in her past history. Persistent traits typically start showing very strongly in the early teens and remain strong thereafter. Yet, because the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, they usually show their strong BPD traits only to their partners, very close friends, and a few family members. Those are the only people who can trigger the BPDer's great fear of abandonment and engulfment.

 

High functioning BPDers usually do not show their traits to business associates, casual friends, clients, or total strangers. They get along fine with those folks. None of those people will trigger the BPDer's two fears. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and there is no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Once a friend makes the mistake of drawing close, however, he will start triggering both of her fears. This is why BPDers typically have no close long-term friends unless they live a long distance away.

 

Persistent traits therefore do not disappear for a year or two. There is an exception, however. The traits typically will disappear during courtship -- a period that usually lasts 4 to 6 months but which can last over a year in long distance relationships. During courtship, the BPDer's infatuation is so strong it convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears at bay, with the result that you will cannot trigger them. This is why you won't see a BPDer's dark side during the courtship period.

 

If you would like to discuss these BPD traits further, TGM, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 warning signs are very strong and which are weak or absent. I ask because some of the signs (e.g., the abandonment fear underlying traits #3 and #9) are more important than others.

[Downtown]

Sorry, double post.

[TheGirthMachine]

TGM, it means you've been observing a strong pattern of BPD behaviors. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about childish behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

How serious the problem is depends not only on how strong the traits are but also on whether they are persistent, i.e., a full lifetime problem. Most occurrences of strong BPD traits are only temporary flareups of the BPD traits we all have. These flareups nearly always are caused by drug abuse or, most commonly, by a hormone change -- e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, or perimenopause (or any other life event starting with the letter "P," LOL).

 

If serious hormone and drug problems can be ruled out, the remaining common cause of strong BPD traits is a stunted emotional development, i.e., something occurring before age five that caused her emotional development to freeze at the level of a young child. This is a far more serious problem because it is results in BPD traits that are permanent unless the BPDer undergoes years of intensive therapy to acquire the emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood.

 

The BPDer needs to learn, for example, how to do self soothing, how to regulate all of her emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong mixed feelings, how to trust, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts," and how to stay aware of the present instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future. Absent those skills, she must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

 

Significantly, if your exGF's strong BPD traits are really persistent, you likely will find evidence in her past history. Persistent traits typically start showing very strongly in the early teens and remain strong thereafter. Yet, because the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, they usually show their strong BPD traits only to their partners, very close friends, and a few family members. Those are the only people who can trigger the BPDer's great fear of abandonment and engulfment.

 

High functioning BPDers usually do not show their traits to business associates, casual friends, clients, or total strangers. They get along fine with those folks. None of those people will trigger the BPDer's two fears. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and there is no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Once a friend makes the mistake of drawing close, however, he will start triggering both of her fears. This is why BPDers typically have no close long-term friends unless they live a long distance away.

 

Persistent traits therefore do not disappear for a year or two. There is an exception, however. The traits typically will disappear during courtship -- a period that usually lasts 4 to 6 months but which can last over a year in long distance relationships. During courtship, the BPDer's infatuation is so strong it convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears at bay, with the result that you will cannot trigger them. This is why you won't see a BPDer's dark side during the courtship period.

 

If you would like to discuss these BPD traits further, TGM, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 warning signs are very strong and which are weak or absent. I ask because some of the signs (e.g., the abandonment fear underlying traits #3 and #9) are more important than others.

 

 

1. Black and white thinking - she is all or nothing. Instantly can hate someone or love someone. This is strong in her.

 

2. All or nothing expressions - constantly using 'you never' and 'you always', always in a negative way telling me how I'm not doing things right and my behaviour isn't right. This is also really strong.

 

3. Jealousy and controlling behaviour is a very big one. I'm not really allowed to see my friends or go up town without her. If we are at a party and o speak to a friend or family member then she usually kicks off because I'm not giving her enough attention.

 

4. She has this one also. I moved her into my home, bought us cats, spend the majority of my time with her. Yet she tells me a lot that I don't do enough for her and I don't love her. I can be sitting with her watching tv, cuddling and she will tell me that I'm not bothered about her etc.

 

5. Flipping - now this is a massive one. All over social media she adored me. Constantly putting pictures of us up, expressing her u dying love for me, not wanting to see any of her friends or family, just wanting to see me. But when she sees me she always argues with me about my behaviour and tells me I don't love her. She always tells me off, and when I reply saying I've done nothing wrong she then says that I can't accept any blame and I always try to turn it around on her. But I genuinely have no idea what I have done wrong. It's usually something that she presumes in her head about how I'm feeling. She just seems miserable as soon as she meets me. I talk to her and get little answers, she never asks me how I am doing. It's always me making conversation, but then she always moans saying there is something up with me, when I say that there isn't she says I'm in denial. I take us out loads, pay almost every time, she always moans that we never do anything :/ all my friends say I see her loss and take her out loads, but she always kicks off saying I don't see her enough or take her out enough. But then a bit later she will be telling me how much she loves me and that she wants to marry me and have kids with me. But I bring up how she just kicked off etc and she says if she had more commitment then she wouldn't be so insecure.

 

 

6. Wow I think she's gonna have most of these on here lol. Yeah she always creates mountains out of mole hills. If I have my phone faved down when we watch a film so I'm not distracted by texts etc, she tells me I'm cheating and I'm hiding things. If I say 'love u' instead of 'I love u' then she kicks off saying I don't actually love her.

 

7. She has low self esteem. She always tells me that she thinks I don't love her or fancy her. I tell her I do but she doesn't believe me. She's been cheated on aparently by every bf she has had, I'm starting to question the validity of this claim as she now keeps tweeting etc about me cheating when I never have done.

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger - now this is the main reason I split up with her. She gets insecure, she argues, but she way the speaks to me and the aggression in her voice is shocking. She has thrown my phone around the room. Ripped covers off me while I'm sleeping, screaming and shouting calling me an effing c u n t. Hanging out of my window with my phone threatening to smash it up. A lot of close friends and family always tell me they can't believe how aggressively she speaks to me (they haven't heard the worse). Her parents and sister always tell her how aggressive she is. I've also heard her speaking to her mum and she just sounds so angry when she speaks to her. And yeah, it can just spark up out of something so small. We were once on s night out, she went up to a lot of guys, hugging them and speaking to them, being quite touchy geeky (she is like this, they were friends aparently). Later in the night a girl from my school came up and said hello and hugged me, so my exgf went nuts, throwing my phone around, screaming st me etc. But is was fine for her to hug guys?

 

 

9. Yeah she pretty much wanted to spend every second of the day with me. If I wanted to do something with my mates alone we would argue.

 

10. She blames me a lot. But then when I fight my cont we and say I haven't done anything, she says I can never accept that I'm wrong. She does this most days and it gets so draining constantly being told I'm wrong but I can't accept it.

 

11. Lack of impulse control is a big one. She was put on depression and anxiety tablets after she went the doctors because of her aggressive behaviour towards me. Whilst on these she wasn't meant to drink, but she would drink and the end up kicking off on me still. She has no fuse, can never bite her tongue, always aggressive, never calm about a situation that bothers her.

 

12. She told me all her exes were cheaters, so yeah.

 

13. Not so much

 

14/15. Yes. Her plans changed from wanting to be a writer to wanting to be a stay at home mum for me. I work and she takes care of our kids, dogs, cats etc... we only have/had cats at this point.

 

16. She didn't really see her close friends much while we were together. Especially her male friends (I never asked her not to do this btw). Now all of a sudden she is seeing them everyday, posting pictures with them and constantly saying how she is having an amazing time and loves going out with the lads, even though they get her too drunk.... she always keeps hash tagging 'I'm winning'

 

17. Not so much

 

18. Very much so. Most of the time she argues with me it's about something that she has thought in her head, never a solid fact

 

 

I can't wait for you to dissect this haha. Thank you so much for your help btw. I can't explain how much I appreciate it

[angel.eyes]

I can't wait for you to dissect this haha. Thank you so much for your help btw. I can't explain how much I appreciate it

If she is as bad as you claim, why isn't she an ex? Instead of dissecting and bashing her, leave already! Why do you stay and complain about a relationship that isn't working for you?

[elaine567]

I suggest you take your cats with you when you leave.

[VeveCakes]

People with BPD won't change unless they get therapy and often medication.

 

I dated one for a long time and it was hell on earth. I didn't realize until after what was happening. This will end in her calling the cops on you eventually I guarantee it.

 

Run as far as possible.