Half_Life Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I am 43y male and met a beautiful, clever, wonderful 32y 2 years ago that 'got me' in a way no other woman had ever managed before. We shared magical times & both helped each other through similar difficult divorces.. I have a 5 year old daughter and went through a long and arduous legal process at huge emotional and financial cost. The problems started when I wasn't prepared to compromise my time with my little girl over my girlfriend. I matched our weekends with her children and it worked wonderfully but continual fighting, comparisons of affection, showing too much 'clinginess' to my daughter & fall outs resulted in swapping back the weekends. Don't get me wrong this girl meant the World to me but it seemed unnatural to not devote myself to being the best Dad I could be.. A result of this meant I continually pushed her away and months of falling out and getting back together. It scared me and I never gave her any indication of a future despite her concerns. (Home/marriage/kids!) Three months ago I found out she had been cheating on me with an old boy friend & although I don't know what happened I am pretty sure they slept together. We broke up for good but I just cannot get this girl out of my head and have returned looking for validation and to try and repair what we had but have simply resulted in hurting myself more... I know she is desperate to be loved and text's/calls me all the time telling me such and I so want to make it work because I fear I will never find that connection again or find a woman that made me tick like her.. I was always faithful to her despite her continual concerns that I was being unfaithful and after reading up about stuff realize she was very codependent insisting on being by her side all the time, keeping in touch via text and calls & frowning on any female interaction from my part. Here's the best bit....& she told me this! She was straight on Tinder and hooked up with a guy within 5 days and told me filthy intimate things that they did together. She called me last weekend to say she was going for a day out with him but didn't want to & she wanted me. Being a sucker and not wanting anyone else to have her I spent 3 days with her in a vain attempt to try and resolve everything (again!) & again due to me requesting she showed me dozens of intimate messages (some slutty!) shared with her and different men on Facebook & SnapChat. She said she has slept with 2 men since our split but I suspect 4! She also told me she had a sexual experience with one of her girl friends months ago! WTF I know she's doing this to make me feel jealous and simply moving on with her life but I have completely lost my compass & sanity over this. She has more male friends than female, has a colorful sexual past but has said to me if I can make that commitment she will agree to move away. close all her social media down and start a new fresh life with our girls. I know what the correct answer is here & feel a little embarrassed even posting this but it kind of helps tapping away on these keys getting it all out. I have been ill the last three months since we split, lost weight, been unable to concentrate on my career or family despite looking after myself and doing all the right things. I know I need to put distance between the two of us & focus on myself but I still keep getting these nagging doubts that I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me.. Feel a bit of a laughing stock even reading over what I have written but here goes...
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Feelings aren't logical. You feel what you feel & you got your heart ripped out. Know you did the right thing by prioritizing your daughter. You also know the right thing to do about this EX -- no contact. Do give yourself time to grieve. You lost something important to you. Keep yourself busy & in time the acute pain will subside. 2
SoThatHappened Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 The problems started when I wasn't prepared to compromise my time with my little girl over my girlfriend. Good for you. continual fighting, comparisons of affection, showing too much 'clinginess' to my daughter & fall outs Bad on her. months of falling out and getting back together. No good. she had been cheating on me with an old boy friend Sl*t. I know she is desperate to be loved and text's/calls me all the time Those are her problems, and big red flags waving at you. her continual concerns that I was being unfaithful ... shew as very codependent insisting on being by her side all the time, keeping in touch via text and calls & frowning on any female interaction from my part. You don't need or want that in your life. She was straight on Tinder and hooked up with a guy within 5 days and told me filthy intimate things that they did together. She called me last weekend to say she was going for a day out with him ... she showed me dozens of intimate messages (some slutty!) ... She said she has slept with 2 men since our split but I suspect 4! She also told me she had a sexual experience with one of her girl friends months ago! WTFShe's got problems (not just because of the possible promiscuity, but because she's also being manipulative and faking bi-sexuality or is telling the truth about it... which I'm guessing you may not be able to handle? I know she's doing this to make me feel jealous Manipulative... I know I need to put distance between the two of us & focus on myself Yes. You already know what you need to do. You'll get over this "woman" sooner if she becomes "dead" to you sooner. 1
SevenCity Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 There's nothing abnormal about what you feel. Despite her doing these things (cheating) you can't help what you feel. However, she will be faithful to you until the next conflict. Do you really want to live like that? Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder / sleeping with one eye open? What happens if you have to take a business trip? She cheated before and will cheat again. Even if you can (somehow) deal with that you are risking getting an incurable STD from her. You want that? I bet not. She's got issues and needs therapy. I don't agree that you were not willing to compromise with your daughter vs. her as partners need to feel they are important or as important to you as other things in your life. Not saying that you should have put your daughter to the side but perhaps arrive at an agreement. I'm around your age and it's tough losing someone who finally "gets" you. But this girl is not good relationship material and you have to be thankful you will not be facing another divorce with her. As time passes it will get easier but you have to move past her unless you want a life of hell and infidelity. 2
Author Half_Life Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Good for you. Bad on her. No good. Sl*t. Those are her problems, and big red flags waving at you. You don't need or want that in your life. She's got problems (not just because of the possible promiscuity, but because she's also being manipulative and faking bi-sexuality or is telling the truth about it... which I'm guessing you may not be able to handle? Manipulative... Yes. You already know what you need to do. You'll get over this "woman" sooner if she becomes "dead" to you sooner. WOW, thanks for taking the time to reply & great words. Tough times & I blame myself for her behaving like this as I pushed her away but this time I am NOT going back and understand I need to work on myself & stop making apologies for being a good Daddy x 3
Author Half_Life Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 There's nothing abnormal about what you feel. Despite her doing these things (cheating) you can't help what you feel. However, she will be faithful to you until the next conflict. Do you really want to live like that? Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder / sleeping with one eye open? What happens if you have to take a business trip? She cheated before and will cheat again. Even if you can (somehow) deal with that you are risking getting an incurable STD from her. You want that? I bet not. She's got issues and needs therapy. I don't agree that you were not willing to compromise with your daughter vs. her as partners need to feel they are important or as important to you as other things in your life. Not saying that you should have put your daughter to the side but perhaps arrive at an agreement. I'm around your age and it's tough losing someone who finally "gets" you. But this girl is not good relationship material and you have to be thankful you will not be facing another divorce with her. As time passes it will get easier but you have to move past her unless you want a life of hell and infidelity. Thank you for taking the time to reply, again it gives me strength to let go of someone that is ultimately bad for me and my baby. You just get that horrible sinking feeling that you will never get that spark again.
BluesPower Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 You know, there are women that you have that special spark with. But it is not like it is 1 in a million. There will be others, I would not worry about that. And, any woman or man that does not understand and embrace their SO's children are not worth your time. 2
Maldives Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I am 43y male and met a beautiful, clever, wonderful 32y 2 years ago that 'got me' in a way no other woman had ever managed before. We shared magical times & both helped each other through similar difficult divorces.. I have a 5 year old daughter and went through a long and arduous legal process at huge emotional and financial cost. The problems started when I wasn't prepared to compromise my time with my little girl over my girlfriend. I matched our weekends with her children and it worked wonderfully but continual fighting, comparisons of affection, showing too much 'clinginess' to my daughter & fall outs resulted in swapping back the weekends. Don't get me wrong this girl meant the World to me but it seemed unnatural to not devote myself to being the best Dad I could be.. A result of this meant I continually pushed her away and months of falling out and getting back together. It scared me and I never gave her any indication of a future despite her concerns. (Home/marriage/kids!) Three months ago I found out she had been cheating on me with an old boy friend & although I don't know what happened I am pretty sure they slept together. We broke up for good but I just cannot get this girl out of my head and have returned looking for validation and to try and repair what we had but have simply resulted in hurting myself more... I know she is desperate to be loved and text's/calls me all the time telling me such and I so want to make it work because I fear I will never find that connection again or find a woman that made me tick like her.. I was always faithful to her despite her continual concerns that I was being unfaithful and after reading up about stuff realize she was very codependent insisting on being by her side all the time, keeping in touch via text and calls & frowning on any female interaction from my part. Here's the best bit....& she told me this! She was straight on Tinder and hooked up with a guy within 5 days and told me filthy intimate things that they did together. She called me last weekend to say she was going for a day out with him but didn't want to & she wanted me. Being a sucker and not wanting anyone else to have her I spent 3 days with her in a vain attempt to try and resolve everything (again!) & again due to me requesting she showed me dozens of intimate messages (some slutty!) shared with her and different men on Facebook & SnapChat. She said she has slept with 2 men since our split but I suspect 4! She also told me she had a sexual experience with one of her girl friends months ago! WTF I know she's doing this to make me feel jealous and simply moving on with her life but I have completely lost my compass & sanity over this. She has more male friends than female, has a colorful sexual past but has said to me if I can make that commitment she will agree to move away. close all her social media down and start a new fresh life with our girls. I know what the correct answer is here & feel a little embarrassed even posting this but it kind of helps tapping away on these keys getting it all out. I have been ill the last three months since we split, lost weight, been unable to concentrate on my career or family despite looking after myself and doing all the right things. I know I need to put distance between the two of us & focus on myself but I still keep getting these nagging doubts that I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me.. Feel a bit of a laughing stock even reading over what I have written but here goes... She's basically treating u like **** pardon the the expression like me after the break up she made sure to show she was moving on but it's all show I gave myself enough time to get somewhat strong again to see thru it and her despite working together. That's why NC is important u did nothing wrong apart from not making her a priority that can hurt but u dont throw it away like that rather try and work it out good luck
keiji Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I know she's doing this to make me feel jealous and simply moving on with her life but I have completely lost my compass & sanity over this. Some may consider this manipulation, but I call it cruelty. There's no justification in the act of showing your ex some dirty messages from a third party. Why does she want to make you jealous when she's rejecting you at the same time? You need to keep a big, big distance from this person. Nothing good will come out of being in touch with her. You have to be really disciplined and stay away from her and concentrate on your little girl first and then on healing. 1
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 She must like some chaos in her life. Either that or she isn't as into you as you were into her. Either way, she's done some hurtful things that it doesn't sound like you deserved and you can do better.
Author Half_Life Posted March 3, 2017 Author Posted March 3, 2017 Good for you. Bad on her. No good. Sl*t. Those are her problems, and big red flags waving at you. You don't need or want that in your life. She's got problems (not just because of the possible promiscuity, but because she's also being manipulative and faking bi-sexuality or is telling the truth about it... which I'm guessing you may not be able to handle? Manipulative... Yes. You already know what you need to do. You'll get over this "woman" sooner if she becomes "dead" to you sooner. Thanks for the replies...they really helped me understand this toxic woman and gave me strength. Big love x 2
fromheart Posted March 3, 2017 Posted March 3, 2017 If a woman ever complains to you about 'clinginess,' to your daughter, you dump her on the spot. No compromise. Your little girl always, always comes first. A GF can accept that or get lost. 1
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 You may have been less bonded with her at first than she was, but she does sound quite demanding emotionally. She is now taking what comfort she can. Whether she would behave like this if she was with you or not, I don't know. It sounds a complex situation with infidelity as well. It would be risky for you to take her back, if she wanted that, because she tends to act out. Sorry you are feeling so mixed up and I am not surprised.
BlkVelvet Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 (edited) If a woman ever complains to you about 'clinginess,' to your daughter, you dump her on the spot. No compromise. Your little girl always, always comes first. A GF can accept that or get lost. Well, I don't know about that. Some people, especially parents who may feel guilt for no longer living under the same roof as their child/children, sometimes tend to overcompensate, indulge their child, and just basically lack balance. Im not saying this is your case, OP, but it's not always wrong, selfish, or inappropriate for an SO to say, "Hmmm. . .something's off here." If you're going to date someone, you need to be willing and able to give that person personal quality attention. I don't think it's fair to ALWAYS expect them to take a backseat. Maybe a person who can't balance a relationship AND take care of their child at the same time, just shouldn't date. As for the post, your lady seems to just be an all around bad fit for you. She sounds like she has some real emotional problems. I know you're hurting, but you dodged a bullet, man. Edited March 4, 2017 by BlkVelvet
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2017 Posted March 4, 2017 I never gave her any indication of a future despite her concerns. (Home/marriage/kids!) ^^^That is the crux of the problem here. Here is a woman who is desperate to be loved, desperate to be validated but despite all the "love", she finds she is second best to your child. BUT it is not really your child, she is upset about. It is your past life and your ex I guess that is the real bone of contention for her. Given the stark choice between your little girl and your upset gf you quite rightly chose your child, but to her that was like a knife in the heart. Add to that no commitment offered from you, then she is in no man's land. 32 yo and in a relationship with no real future... Angry and upset and feeling unloved, along comes her ex bf, no doubt promising her the earth and a shoulder to cry on and she laps up the attention. YOU then reject her totally and she is angry really angry so she tries to hurt you badly by showing you her intimate messages. "YOU don't want me, but I'll show you all the men who do." Then she reveals to you what the problem was all long - "IF you commit to me, I will commit to you..." 1
Author Half_Life Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 Here is a woman who is desperate to be loved, desperate to be validated but despite all the "love", she finds she is second best to your child. BUT it is not really your child, she is upset about. It is your past life and your ex I guess that is the real bone of contention for her. Given the stark choice between your little girl and your upset gf you quite rightly chose your child, but to her that was like a knife in the heart. Add to that no commitment offered from you, then she is in no man's land. 32 yo and in a relationship with no real future... Angry and upset and feeling unloved, along comes her ex bf, no doubt promising her the earth and a shoulder to cry on and she laps up the attention. YOU then reject her totally and she is angry really angry so she tries to hurt you badly by showing you her intimate messages. "YOU don't want me, but I'll show you all the men who do." Then she reveals to you what the problem was all long - "IF you commit to me, I will commit to you..." A fair interpretation, she got pretty angry about my ex during a split & went round to her house to give her a mouthful & few home truths. That said it's not really the behavior of a woman you can build a future with. Most men put loyalty right at the top of the list & her 'slutty' behavior during our breakup simply reinforces what sort of nature she is-I had a lucky escape although understand I did plenty wrong during the relationship. I miss the girl so bad but will NEVER ever go back as I know further down the line the pain, drama & damage to my daughter & myself will be greater than what it is now.
Author Half_Life Posted March 4, 2017 Author Posted March 4, 2017 Messed me up this this reply, I know I'm being weak & needy and just succumbing to the 'addiction' of the ex but no matter what you don't cheat & I don't think it's cool to hop into bed within days of splitting up with different men because your lonely/sad & then rubbing my nose in it to win me back. Stinks of a low class woman with low integrity to me.
Author Half_Life Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 Three weeks in & cut all ties with this woman! I never knew the value of forum's & find it really therapeutic reading over all your advice after printing out and making reference to every day. Still hurts like crazy but I understand the pain would be worse in years to come, much love everyone x
Abhainn Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) I am 43y male and met a beautiful, clever, wonderful 32y 2 years ago that 'got me' in a way no other woman had ever managed before. We shared magical times & both helped each other through similar difficult divorces.. I have a 5 year old daughter and went through a long and arduous legal process at huge emotional and financial cost. The problems started when I wasn't prepared to compromise my time with my little girl over my girlfriend. I matched our weekends with her children and it worked wonderfully but continual fighting, comparisons of affection, showing too much 'clinginess' to my daughter & fall outs resulted in swapping back the weekends. Don't get me wrong this girl meant the World to me but it seemed unnatural to not devote myself to being the best Dad I could be.. A result of this meant I continually pushed her away and months of falling out and getting back together. It scared me and I never gave her any indication of a future despite her concerns. (Home/marriage/kids!) Three months ago I found out she had been cheating on me with an old boy friend & although I don't know what happened I am pretty sure they slept together. We broke up for good but I just cannot get this girl out of my head and have returned looking for validation and to try and repair what we had but have simply resulted in hurting myself more... I know she is desperate to be loved and text's/calls me all the time telling me such and I so want to make it work because I fear I will never find that connection again or find a woman that made me tick like her.. I was always faithful to her despite her continual concerns that I was being unfaithful and after reading up about stuff realize she was very codependent insisting on being by her side all the time, keeping in touch via text and calls & frowning on any female interaction from my part. Here's the best bit....& she told me this! She was straight on Tinder and hooked up with a guy within 5 days and told me filthy intimate things that they did together. She called me last weekend to say she was going for a day out with him but didn't want to & she wanted me. Being a sucker and not wanting anyone else to have her I spent 3 days with her in a vain attempt to try and resolve everything (again!) & again due to me requesting she showed me dozens of intimate messages (some slutty!) shared with her and different men on Facebook & SnapChat. She said she has slept with 2 men since our split but I suspect 4! She also told me she had a sexual experience with one of her girl friends months ago! WTF I know she's doing this to make me feel jealous and simply moving on with her life but I have completely lost my compass & sanity over this. She has more male friends than female, has a colorful sexual past but has said to me if I can make that commitment she will agree to move away. close all her social media down and start a new fresh life with our girls. I know what the correct answer is here & feel a little embarrassed even posting this but it kind of helps tapping away on these keys getting it all out. I have been ill the last three months since we split, lost weight, been unable to concentrate on my career or family despite looking after myself and doing all the right things. I know I need to put distance between the two of us & focus on myself but I still keep getting these nagging doubts that I'm losing the best thing that ever happened to me.. Feel a bit of a laughing stock even reading over what I have written but here goes... It sounds like you/re having doubts that you might be losing the best thing that ever happened to, but I can also hear that you call them, "nagging." And I'm wondering if there is a part of you that clearly knows that despite the way you feel, that its not true or any sort of accurate reflection of reality? When you say you feel a bit of a laughing stock, I'm also wondering if you feel ashamed of feeling the way that do? It also sounds like you really feel like you've lost your compass and your sanity! And I'm wondering what you do when you feel like you're lost and when you feel like you're crazy to help ground yourself? After what you've been through, I do want to let you know that it is perfectly normal to feel the way that you do! So its sounds like it has been three months and I'm wondering when you say that, if you feel like you should be more healed than you feel like you are? Edited March 14, 2017 by Abhainn
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