Chtulu_2000 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 14. At work I hit a rough spot, which led to serious depression, which of course, led to problems at home. I was forlorn, didn't want to do anything, and angry...not abusive, but short tempered and snippy. My wife turned to a friend of ours for support and began to develop feelings for this man (our friend). She never said anything and never acted on them, because luckily he is a stand-up guy and wouldn't even think about that. But there was a brief time when my wife would have acted if the situation presented itself. We are working on repairing our marriage, but my wife still wants to be friends with our friend (as do I). She assures me those feelings are not there anymore, but feels a closeness to him since he was there for her when I was emotionally not. Now that we are working on fixing our marriage, he has backed off with texting her. This makes her upset because she still wants their friendship not to change at this point, even though she knows it must be different. I am supporting her remaining friends with this man, because he is a good guy and our good friend. It upsets me that she is so upset over the changing nature of their friendship now, and I want to support her feelings and this friendship. Does that make me a fool? Should I be screaming and yelling? Should I forbid her to see this friend and end my friendship with him? This is not my nature and her hurt makes me hurt. But, am I stupid and naive for supporting and caring about this? Please help!
Author Chtulu_2000 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 My wife and I have talked quite a bit about this since then. We are both going to counseling (individually first, then eventually together). She has said that she has no romantic/sexual feelings for our friend, that she just liked the attention someone was giving her when I was checked out. It was something that made her feel special and giddy, as a 44 mother of two, like I use to to make her feel. She is more concerned about retaining the friendship than anything else. I too was also talking to this person and he was a vault...a listener to my problems as well. I guess the issue is that a small part of me thinks I should be smashing stuff and going nuts over this...it's not what I want to do, but I guess part of me feels like that's what's expected of me. My wife says that I'm strong in the way I'm handling this and she feels like she can tell me anything now (she felt like she couldn't tell me about this before because I was so depressed and she didn;t know how I would react). But now, she says that I'm becoming a better man than the one she married. And that things are going to be just fine, we just have to give it time.
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Marriage takes work especially when there are problems, like what you have endured. Preserving her friendship with this other man has to take a back seat. Preserving your marriage has to be the priority. You are practically a saint for not demanding that she cut all contact with the guy but she has a choice to make. Ask her who she would be harder to lose & encourage her to act accordingly. 2
JamesM Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 She developed the relationship because of a void. TBH she probably never really liked him except that he was there for her. Emotionally she was vulnerable. She has recognized that and is repairing the marriage that was damaged due to your depression and the distancing that happened between the two of you. She should return to a normal friendship with the friend since he never developed the same feelings towards her. From what you say, she may have had an emotional attachment from her side but nothing more. Now that the two of you are rebuilding, she will lose that attachment. She may say she would have acted, but in reality when one is presented with the actual situation, one doesn't always follow through. I know. She should distance herself from him until at the least these feeling disappear if they haven't. To assume that she had an affair would be wrong. To assume that she will keep those feelings now that you two are working together is a leap. Work on the marriage and be grateful you two have a chance to rebuild before anything worse happened.
Recommended Posts