Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I feel that my attitude towards dating changed quite a bit recently and I'm not sure if this is gonna help me find a suitable partner or the opposite. Because I'm so comfortable and happy on my own and because I came to realization that I won't accept anything less than what I want and long for, I started ditching guys for smallest of reasons. I've been on a couple of dates and chatted with many guys recently, but I easily lose interest if there's something small I don't like and I simply block them from any further communication. That's not something I'm doing on purpose, I just don't feel like giving chances to anyone I doubt at least a little bit. Is it wrong? Will I recklessly push away potentially good guys? Or will this let me filter out the unsuitable ones and get to Mr right?
coolheadal Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Sounds like your not happy with your choices so far you have selected? No one is deem perfect. Tolerate too much from those that promise you everything and they just don't deliver on their promise. Why are you rushing, just keep on searching and dating until you find the right guy. I do the same to find the right girl. Not easy when you want something you just can't get. I am on my own too and sometimes it's better to be than way but in the end I soon learn, that's not really what I want. To each their own!
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Sounds like your not happy with your choices so far you have selected? No one is deem perfect. Tolerate too much from those that promise you everything and they just don't deliver on their promise. Why are you rushing, just keep on searching and dating until you find the right guy. I do the same to find the right girl. Not easy when you want something you just can't get. I am on my own too and sometimes it's better to be than way but in the end I soon learn, that's not really what I want. To each their own! I'm not rushing. I think you misunderstood - I mean that I find it too easy to dismiss guys lately. After talking to them, each small thing is a dealbreaker to me and I don't feel like getting to know them at all. Like for example I was talking to someone from OLD and met him for a cup of coffee. He had a life's philosophy and a goal with dating I really liked - in near future he wanted a wife and lots of togetherness in his life. But when I met him, he said something that I really didn't like. Something in terms of him not liking to have dates in town and that it's not personal. I thought he sounded like he want a shortcut in dating. And that turned me off immediately, so afterwards I sent a sms saying I don't think we match and blocked him. Then there was another one I talked to, who was very attractive and showed lots of interest, but during a conversation he mentioned an amount of sex partners he had and I thought it was too many and I immediately cut the contact. I lose interest in guys really fast. Like if I find out they don't read books or similar. Maybe I've become too picky.
Redhead14 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I feel that my attitude towards dating changed quite a bit recently and I'm not sure if this is gonna help me find a suitable partner or the opposite. Because I'm so comfortable and happy on my own and because I came to realization that I won't accept anything less than what I want and long for, I started ditching guys for smallest of reasons. I've been on a couple of dates and chatted with many guys recently, but I easily lose interest if there's something small I don't like and I simply block them from any further communication. That's not something I'm doing on purpose, I just don't feel like giving chances to anyone I doubt at least a little bit. Is it wrong? Will I recklessly push away potentially good guys? Or will this let me filter out the unsuitable ones and get to Mr right? Lorenza, you have come a long, long way since you first began posting year or so ago. I remember the torment you put yourself through over one guy in particular. Part of the healing process emotionally and mentally includes kind of a pendulum. A person will swing from one extreme to another and at some point they find themselves coming to the middle so to speak. Right now you are swinging to the other side of where you were then. You just keep enforcing/acting on your gut for a little while. Don't force yourself to do anything. You will be a little over cautious for a while and that's a good thing so that you don't find yourself in the same position you were in before. But do try to give a little slack sometimes. If you find a guy that doesn't completely turn you off but there's a tiny little "blip", try to give it a chance. Go out once or twice with them at least to get "exposure" but rein in your emotions and expectations. Just go to enjoy a night out and be relaxed, then decide how you really feel. You do need to push your comfort level a little in order to get over the past hurts. Think of it as "exposure" therapy 4
coolheadal Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) I'm not rushing. I think you misunderstood - I mean that I find it too easy to dismiss guys lately. After talking to them, each small thing is a dealbreaker to me and I don't feel like getting to know them at all. Like for example I was talking to someone from OLD and met him for a cup of coffee. He had a life's philosophy and a goal with dating I really liked - in near future he wanted a wife and lots of togetherness in his life. But when I met him, he said something that I really didn't like. Something in terms of him not liking to have dates in town and that it's not personal. I thought he sounded like he want a shortcut in dating. And that turned me off immediately, so afterwards I sent a sms saying I don't think we match and blocked him. Then there was another one I talked to, who was very attractive and showed lots of interest, but during a conversation he mentioned an amount of sex partners he had and I thought it was too many and I immediately cut the contact. I lose interest in guys really fast. Like if I find out they don't read books or similar. Maybe I've become too picky. I see now.. Well yes you have the right to be picky as you put it. We all do. The thing is these guys have their own agenda as well as you. So your not having it they're way and you say it's not going to work out and you block them. Move on to the next guy. You can take break in dating, until you want to start it up again doing so. Clearly your not running into the right men where you live. Do you like to travel maybe take trip to tropical island and meet with the local men and see if you can broaden your interest traits. I search all over my area where I live until what I am looking for finally turns up. You lose interest because your giving up on them and you don't want them to try to accommodate you on what your seek or what you want them to have. Can't force them to change or bend you will on them. Just not going to work. So you exit out politely like your doing now. Oh I see you have some other experience from the post above comments. Why don't you write down a paper what you want from a guy and then narrow it down to the top 10 you really need and want to be with. Even top 5 traits would make it your best goal. Can't keep on dropping them out of your life just because they don't meet your 100% requirements. What are you likes and dislikes put them and see what you want. Choose men best on that list. Question them prior before you date them in person. Edited February 28, 2017 by coolheadal
Larryville Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 A person will swing from one extreme to another and at some point they find themselves coming to the middle so to speak. I'm with Lo, have the same feelings, I just think that I'm not "swinging" anymore! The grind of finding someone is becoming so not worth the effort, time, money, mental anguish. 1
CptInsano Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Being comfortable with yourself is definitely a plus, no matter how you look at it. Being more selective when dating shifts the risk, IMHO. Less risk of wasting time with somebody you don't really like, but a higher risk of rejecting somebody over minor issues or limiting the number of suitable candidates to too small of a number to make a meaningful selection. Will it work for you? Time will tell. 1
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Like for example I was talking to someone from OLD and met him for a cup of coffee. He had a life's philosophy and a goal with dating I really liked - in near future he wanted a wife and lots of togetherness in his life. But when I met him, he said something that I really didn't like. Something in terms of him not liking to have dates in town and that it's not personal. I thought he sounded like he want a shortcut in dating. And that turned me off immediately, so afterwards I sent a sms saying I don't think we match and blocked him. Then there was another one I talked to, who was very attractive and showed lots of interest, but during a conversation he mentioned an amount of sex partners he had and I thought it was too many and I immediately cut the contact. I lose interest in guys really fast. Like if I find out they don't read books or similar. Maybe I've become too picky. I think you are following your instinct and you are doing an excellent job at eliminating *right away* what smells bad. The examples you are giving us are official red flags in the dating world. Good for you for recognizing them at first sight. The last guy just did not give you any interesting vibe. You picked the first excuse to dismiss him but it's ok. If you had been a tiny bit interested in him you would have had a different reaction. He was boring and it's ok to get rid of men that bore us. I say continue following your instinct. You will end up with more interesting dates. 1
coolheadal Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Need a plan of action and pick the: Good Traits vs Bad Traits I want this... vs I don't want this... Tom Smith Ok on the phone Not Ok in person, he didn't brush his teeth or hair.. Turn off Turn on was his shoes.. So we all have what we are seeking and looking everyone is picky why not be, because we shouldn't just settle for anyone should we? Nope!
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Lorenza, you have come a long, long way since you first began posting year or so ago. I remember the torment you put yourself through over one guy in particular. Part of the healing process emotionally and mentally includes kind of a pendulum. A person will swing from one extreme to another and at some point they find themselves coming to the middle so to speak. Right now you are swinging to the other side of where you were then. You just keep enforcing/acting on your gut for a little while. Don't force yourself to do anything. You will be a little over cautious for a while and that's a good thing so that you don't find yourself in the same position you were in before. But do try to give a little slack sometimes. If you find a guy that doesn't completely turn you off but there's a tiny little "blip", try to give it a chance. Go out once or twice with them at least to get "exposure" but rein in your emotions and expectations. Just go to enjoy a night out and be relaxed, then decide how you really feel. You do need to push your comfort level a little in order to get over the past hurts. Think of it as "exposure" therapy Ah, I think you're right. Maybe I'm rebelling a little bit as well. I don't want to avenge my past hurts on others, but I've come to realize that I either have it the right way or no way. Right now I'm so happy on my own that ive no urgency to get involved with anyone who's less than amazing. Maybe I'll give it a slack if some guy I meet will come a bit closer to who I'd like to let into my life... 1
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 I think you are following your instinct and you are doing an excellent job at eliminating *right away* what smells bad. The examples you are giving us are official red flags in the dating world. Good for you for recognizing them at first sight. The last guy just did not give you any interesting vibe. You picked the first excuse to dismiss him but it's ok. If you had been a tiny bit interested in him you would have had a different reaction. He was boring and it's ok to get rid of men that bore us. I say continue following your instinct. You will end up with more interesting dates. Haha so maybe I'm just becoming a normal woman without realizing it and it feels weird because I would always look for excuses to accommodate others' needs rather than my own. I was never good at recognizing the red flags. Will continue to trust my judgment, even if it means dismissing men early on.
olivetree Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 The examples you gave for why you passed them by seem perfectly reasonable to me. I think that the way to tell if you've truly made progress is if you have passed on men that you are really attracted to that you would have continued on with before, despite incompatibility. And further, that you are giving men a chance that seem compatible with you that you wouldn't have given a chance to before, perhaps due to lack of initial spark. Have either of those happened for you yet?
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) The examples you gave for why you passed them by seem perfectly reasonable to me. I think that the way to tell if you've truly made progress is if you have passed on men that you are really attracted to that you would have continued on with before, despite incompatibility. And further, that you are giving men a chance that seem compatible with you that you wouldn't have given a chance to before, perhaps due to lack of initial spark. Have either of those happened for you yet? Yes! I've met an attractive looking guy on OLD and found out early on that he has traits I'm not looking for in a guy. He's 28 and never been in love, his longest relationship lasted 6 months and he has a detached relationship with his parents. When I told him we don't match, he somehow manage to manipulate me into adding him on Fb and continuing to talk by saying things like "it's such a pity you won't give me a chance", "I think you should meet me, you'll find out what a warm guy I am" and "I really want to learn to commit, I want it in my life". My new me was like "Im here to find a partner, not to be a teacher", but the old me thought "awww I might teach him to love". So we continued talking, he showed lots of initiative, asked so many questions to get to know me and invited me on a date. I really didn't like how many women he slept with and the facts I mentioned before, but some part of me felt like I kinda owe him a date since I let him show so much initiative!!! So I agreed to go out with him, even though the new me screamed "So what he"s sweet and attractive?? He's a commitment-phoebe! You don't owe him a sh**". I really didn't want to go out with him and after talking to my mom I came to a conclusion that I can't say no and I really need to learn it. I decided to not go! Was about to write him a message explaining myself while kinda stressing out that he will once again start writing those kind of "it's a pity you ditch me blahblahblah " comments. So my mom said "No darling, in any other case I'd say sure explain and say bye, but you really need a lesson in putting your needs in front of others so just block him and learn to not feel bad". So I did. I just blocked him without saying a word. And it felt fantastic. It was one more point of breaking through for me (sure it's mean, but I really really needed this). Now I feel that the part of me who screamed against going out with that guy took over fully. Edited February 28, 2017 by Lorenza 2
bluefeather Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Is it wrong? Will I recklessly push away potentially good guys? Or will this let me filter out the unsuitable ones and get to Mr right? Maybe. That depends on you. A wise person will have standards and boundaries, but so will a fool. It depends on which one you are, and on what the boundaries are, as well as how you deal with them. I agreed to go out with him... I just blocked him without saying a word. And it felt fantastic. That's called ghosting. Look it up to see what you did. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much Felt fantastic, did it? 1
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Maybe. That depends on you. A wise person will have standards and boundaries, but so will a fool. It depends on which one you are, and on what the boundaries are, as well as how you deal with them. That's called ghosting. Look it up to see what you did. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much Felt fantastic, did it? I don't think fully blocking someone counts as ghosting since it leaves no questions about my intentions. Besides we never met. Seems like you didn't really try to understand me, but I don't blame since you don't know how severe my problems with needing to please men were. To please men who used me and manipulated me however they wanted. I didn't mean to harm the guy I blocked but I was at my breaking point. I was talking to my mom crying about how I don't want to meet him but some twisted part of me felt compelled. Blocking him was necessary, as a lesson... I doubt it meant anything to him who slept with loads and loads of women without having developed any feelings to them. But for me it meant a lot, cause I felt I was near at trapping myself again.
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Will just add that this guy wasn't taking a "no" for an answer. Felt like he is used to getting what he wants. My agreement to meet him came from my inner weakness and I succumbed to him pushing for a date. I haven't met him yet and he already made me feel like I SHOULD. It was high time of breaking out of that circle and this helped me tremendously! So please no judgmental posts on the topic, I'm not gonna feel guilty again, spent years with this feeling, even when I completely should not!
bluefeather Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I don't think fully blocking someone counts as ghosting since it leaves no questions about my intentions. It does count. Though it's significantly less if you never dated/met in person. I did try to understand you. I am picky about who I reply to, and see it as a waste of time to type to someone if I didn't first try to understand what they were saying. Either way, you're right in that I don't know anything about you, other than what you have said here in this thread. I will refrain from giving my observation and wish you well in your healing process.
Author Lorenza Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 It does count. Though it's significantly less if you never dated/met in person. I did try to understand you. I am picky about who I reply to, and see it as a waste of time to type to someone if I didn't first try to understand what they were saying. Either way, you're right in that I don't know anything about you, other than what you have said here in this thread. I will refrain from giving my observation and wish you well in your healing process. Even if it does count, I didn't do it out of malicious intentions as I usually care deeply about others' feelings. But I often cared too much. Most often more than my own feelings. It was that one time I did something selfish without caring about what a guy will think/feel about me. It felt good not because I was glad to ghost him, but because I broke out of that circle that kept me running around putting myself last. And believe me, it didn't harm him. He was a serial one night stander and FWB'er who tried to convince he wants to change for me (without ever meeting me). But anyway, thanks for well wishes.
Author Lorenza Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Ugh, I think the thing is that I don't really want to date anyone or start something new. All I see is users, commitment-phoebes, weirdos etc. The thought of losing this blissful peace by getting involved with some man makes me sick. I'm better off by myself. What I'd like to have is barely even possible anyway. Especially in this country with highest rate of single households. Everyone's just wanting casual, "see where it leads", "cure the loneliness". Most guys I talked to goes straight to inviting me to their houses. Nobody even bothers to invite on proper dates anymore. Nearly every profile has something in lines of "I like adventures", more and more of them admit being in open relationships or polyamorous. I don't want to deal with any of that. So I finally decided to delete all my OLD profiles I've been having for several months now. I don't need a man in my life.
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I don't want to deal with any of that. So I finally decided to delete all my OLD profiles I've been having for several months now. I don't need a man in my life. It's perfectly fine to not need a man or not need a man now. Enjoy the calmness of being single, concentrate on other projects and other relationships. My daughter is 29 and she is going through the same phase as you. She deleted all of her profiles and she doesn't even want to talk about it she is so fed up. She concentrates on other things and spends lots of her free time at my house which makes me the happiest mom in the world. lol. I enjoy it while it last.
Author Lorenza Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 It's perfectly fine to not need a man or not need a man now. Enjoy the calmness of being single, concentrate on other projects and other relationships. My daughter is 29 and she is going through the same phase as you. She deleted all of her profiles and she doesn't even want to talk about it she is so fed up. She concentrates on other things and spends lots of her free time at my house which makes me the happiest mom in the world. lol. I enjoy it while it last. I also started visiting my home country more often to spend time with mom and grandparents.
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Will just add that this guy wasn't taking a "no" for an answer. Felt like he is used to getting what he wants. My agreement to meet him came from my inner weakness and I succumbed to him pushing for a date. I haven't met him yet and he already made me feel like I SHOULD. It was high time of breaking out of that circle and this helped me tremendously! So please no judgmental posts on the topic, I'm not gonna feel guilty again, spent years with this feeling, even when I completely should not! Not taking "no" for an answer is a HUGE red flag in a guy. It's control issues and he could even have a dangerous side and of course he always has to have his way. What's to love? So your instincts served you well there. Listen to your instincts. These tiny details you pick up on are indicative of larger issues, for sure. Now, I will only say on the guy who slept with too many women that the one good thing about those is that usually at a certain age, they finally tire of it and may truly want a companion at that point. So to me it depends on if you can find out if they were also world-class cheaters or if they just dated a lot. If they always cheated and deceived women they had commitments with, they will likely always be bad news. But if they were popular and just had lots of opportunity and overall treated the women well, he could be a gem once he is tired of playing the field maybe when he's in his 30s. All hinges on if he's a cheater.
Author Lorenza Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 Now, I will only say on the guy who slept with too many women that the one good thing about those is that usually at a certain age, they finally tire of it and may truly want a companion at that point. So to me it depends on if you can find out if they were also world-class cheaters or if they just dated a lot. If they always cheated and deceived women they had commitments with, they will likely always be bad news. But if they were popular and just had lots of opportunity and overall treated the women well, he could be a gem once he is tired of playing the field maybe when he's in his 30s. All hinges on if he's a cheater. What bothered me was that he's never had feelings for any of those women he slept with and never built a relationship for longer than few months. I wasn't convinced I wouldn't be an addition to his collection. Besides, I've only had a few partners in my life and would like my boyfriend to be similar in that matter (sure guys go through more sex partners in their lives, but more than 10 is way too much for me. Maybe an old-fashioned view but...)
preraph Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I believe you are right to follow your gut in that situation. I think it's odd he even told you how many partners. In general, I think that's not anyone's business. Maybe he was bragging!
Author Lorenza Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 I believe you are right to follow your gut in that situation. I think it's odd he even told you how many partners. In general, I think that's not anyone's business. Maybe he was bragging! He told me the number as a "proof" of him not being a f***boy. Like "see, I didn't have all that many"
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