Ex-girlfriend and moving on

[Pisipoisu]

Hi people of LS,

 

I've gone through hundreds of threads on LS since my breakup in the beginning of December 2016. Initially I thought that just by confiding myself in my friends and reading articles I would be able to get over this, but here I am, writing my own post..

 

I bit of the background of the BU so bear with me:

 

We were together for 1 year and 2 months and most of it was LDR. We met whilst travelling and she was 23 and I was 26 at the time. I came back home and we spent the first 2 months just chatting online and getting to know each other more. She was still in the process of getting over her ex(together for 5y, really bad relationship for her, got cheated on etc and were broken up for 6months. One of the reasons she went travelling) We clicked really fast and after the first 2 months of chatting(basically acting like we were together) I went back to Australia(still had a month left on my visa) to see her and we spent a month there together. After that I moved back home and got a job and she moved back to UK because of family issues. Since I had a really good job we agreed that I'd stay a year in my job and then we would move somewhere together. The next year went past with a lot of happiness and travelling to see each other(every month either I went to UK, or she came to my country or we would meet up somewhere like Paris etc) I was a wonderful relationship with 0 arguments, talking daily, our families loved our partners and it was going great with big plans for our future. Even tho the distance started getting hard we were both determined to get through it. The communication was great about these things and we were 100% honest with each other about everything. About a month before the BU she started to be a bit distant. She was working a very stressful job that took a lot of her time and she was saying that the distance is just hard. That she has a void that I can't fill because I'm not physically there. Since I was getting close to a year mark from when I got my job we made a plan that we'll go to New Zealand for a year to be together. 2 weeks before the breakup we had a discussion again that she finds the distance hard and because she doesn't have enough time to talk to me she is afraid that she is pushing me away. But she wants to work through this because I'm everything she has been looking for etc...

 

Fast forward 2 weeks and she breaks up with me 2 weeks before I was going to see her during Christmas. The reasons started off from that the distance is hard, she doesn't think there's a spark anymore(or ever was, was hoping it would appear), she can't give me enough of her time(I wasn't really needy, let her do her thing, but I still thought she wasn't putting in enough effort). All these seemed to be excuses tho, because I felt honest love from her the whole time we were together.

And then the last reason... a bombshell. She had developed feelings for someone else she works 24/7 with. Initially she said that she just likes to hang out with him and she doesn't know what these feelings are, but she feels like if one of the people has eyes for someone else, then there is something wrong in the relationship that can't be worked on at the moment. She kept saying over and over that "who knows what will happen in the future" and "if we are meant to be we'll find each other again". She even kept saying those things when I told her not to give me hope if there is none. She was very upset about the breakup but felt it was the right thing to do(heard that from her friend afterwards) All her friends had no idea where this was coming from.

 

After the breakup I didn't really beg her, more like was trying to understand why she came to the conclusion that she had to break up since I was a really good BF to her(even when she said we were right for each other and no-one will ever treat her like I did).

 

I told her I wanted her to be happy even if it was without me and if it's meant to be we will be together again, but I'd still like to keep in touch(big mistake, was very emotional) and so we did, with like one phone call in a week(regular catch-up) for a month. Since I didn't know if there was anything going on between her and the co-worker I cracked one day and sent her a message asking if she would consider still going to go to New Zealand with me(big mistake, way too soon)

"She replied with a very cold manner, that she agreed to keep in contact because she thought it would help me somehow, but she feels that keeping in contact is going to keep me clinging onto some form oh hope and that it is best to cut contact, so I can move on properly. She hopes we can be friends in the future, but she is sorry, but she won't be coming to New Zealand with me."

I didn't reply anything after that and it has now been a bit over a month of No-Contact. I feel like she was just being especially cold, because she saw that when she was being friendly with me, I was still holding onto hope, so she tried the other route.

 

I kind of accepted that she is moving on and I need to use the no-contact to heal myself and work on things to improve. It has worked on some level. There are days when I can really focus on myself and even have a laugh with my friends, but my thoughts are always drawn back to her. I've spoken to my friends about it but I can feel they are getting a bit annoyed that I can't let her go. Hence I'm here and venting to you guys. I truly still feel that we are a great match, and with different timing things would have been great and that's why I'm holding on to some form of hope that even if it will be months or years we would end up together. That she might need to be in a more stable position in life(work and family wise) and that the new love interest doesn't work out.

 

From social media I can tell that she has been having fun(going travelling for her birthday. I didn't break and didn't wish her a happy birthday) and she is feeling good about her future. She still has all the pictures of us up on social media but I do believe she is dating that co-worker.(flowers on valentines day etc but no pictures of them together)

 

Now I know social media is deceiving and I shouldn't look at it, but because I'm still holding on to this stupid hope I just want to know if they are together and all the hopeful things she said after the breakup was just to let me go gently and she actually doesn't believe we would have a future together(which would make the chat 2 weeks before the breakup an absolute bogus)

 

*END OF RANT*

 

Now I know what you guys will probably say(since I've read 100 of posts on LS), that I need to move on(trying to), focus on myself(trying to), stop looking at her social media(trying to). But I can't help but think about the future and if I still have a chance with her or being in no-contact is making her get more over me with each day.

 

I've evaluated our relationship and breakup and I know that I had my part to play in it as well. I think I was loosing myself a bit in the relationship, which I told her that I know I've changed a bit and I'm working on getting back to my true self. Was hoping she would understand and support me, like I've supported her with loads of things during the year(she had a very rough year). I think she did lose a bit of respect and attraction towards me because of that.

I've also come to the conclusion that she wasn't perfect, but she was exactly what I was looking for from a girlfriend and I know the love I have for her is true love.

 

I know no-one can tell me what's gonna happen. Only time will tell..

I don't want to be needy and clingy and I actually want to get to the point where if she by any chance contacts me again, that I won't be desperate to get back together. I want to be strong enough emotionally and mentally. But I also feel like the longer I wait and work on myself the less of chance I have, especially with full no-contact.

All I would like is just your opinion on it. Some advice or hope for the long run, because the idea of giving up on her for forever is just unbearable to think of.

 

1. Do you think she will contact me first, since she was the one initiating contact

2. Do you think she misses me, even when she is having fun and having a new guy in her life.

3. Since it didn't end on bad terms, do I have a chance in the long run?

4. Might it be G.I.G.S

5. Should I contact a friend of hers, (that gave her advice before the BU, that I'm the right guy for her and she has changed in so many good ways since being with me) to ask if she really is over me fully(She would probably give me the most straightest answer if I have a chance. But she might also tell my ex that I contacted her).

NB! Why I decided to write this post today was because I had a dream that I contacted my ex's friend and got some answers there. And I'm really on the verge of doing it in rl as well :S

 

If you have any questions about the situation, then ask away.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Pisipoisu

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're hurting, OP. Breakups are the worst.

 

I think you have no choice but to move on. I know you were hoping to hear something more hopeful, but unfortunately there is so much working against you. I'll elaborate:

 

A) What you two had sounds like it was enjoyable but just not sustainable. Long-distance simply doesn't work for many people, and in the end, it wasn't meeting her needs. I realize you had loose plans to move to N.Z. for a year..but then what? I think she probably saw this as a lot of work, and she knows she needs a more consistent presence in her life. The geographical and logistical difficulties wouldn't work for her. In the end, you can't really compete with a guy who is there with her, able to take her on dates and spend time with her whenever she wants.

 

B) You met her while she was still healing from a long-term relationship. It's quite possible she was rebounding with you. That's not to say she didn't genuinely like you, but it can mean she didn't necessarily see it as a long-term prospect. This probably wasn't intentional or malicious on her part; a lot of people in her position get into relationships quickly without properly taking time to heal.

 

C) You asked her if she'd still join you in N.Z. after she'd broken it off and told you she's dating someone else. Not sure what you were thinking on that one, but it indicates you don't take her decision very seriously or really respect her boundary. I know you didn't have bad intentions, but it was a really unwise move. That put you from a Broken-Hearted ex into Ex-Who-Can't-Let-Go territory. It can't be undone now, but I have to point out how off-putting that would have been to her.

 

I don't think this is so-called "GIGS", though I fully confess I don't buy into that term in general. I think it's something a lot dumpees understandably want to believe in to help themselves feel better, but I think it's usually just one person losing interest and moving on. I believe that's what happened here. She wasn't invested in the same way you were, and she let you go before you got any further committed. It's hard, but it's great she told you now instead of letting you move around the world for her.

 

Please, do not contact her friend about this. Her friend cannot tell you what your ex is thinking and it's not appropriate to involve someone else. It's also not her friend's place to be speculating on what's best for your ex. I would be very irritated if I found out an ex had contacted my friend about me - just don't go there. It won't change anything, except to tick off your ex even more.

 

Also, don't torment yourself wondering if she misses you. It's not helpful. She probably thinks of your time together fondly, but if she's dating someone else, then I'm afraid to say she emotionally detached a while ago. I stress that this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but there were too many drawbacks in this scenario.

 

Be more patient with yourself; it hasn't been too long since it ended. It will take more time. And do yourself a favour and delete her from social media! Trust me when I say it will hurt like hell the day she uploads a pic of her and her new guy, or deletes your pics, or changes her relationship status or some such thing. Don't subject yourself to that.

[Cookies101]

I would do anything at my disposal to get my answers, including asking about her, if it helps. A lot of people here will say don't do it, but i believe you've got to be ruthless in finding out. It's like ripping a band aid off.

[Pisipoisu]

Sorry you're hurting, OP. Breakups are the worst.

I think you have no choice but to move on. I know you were hoping to hear something more hopeful, but unfortunately there is so much working against you. I'll elaborate:...

 

I appreciate the honesty ExpatInItaly

 

A) We were also discussing of me moving to UK as well, since I really didn't want to leave in my home country. So she knew that was a possibility as well. She was the one suggesting NZ in the first place but later said that she didn't want me to quit my job and move to NZ when in the back of her mind she had doubts. Every time we were actually together she was so happy and I felt the love radiate from her. I don't think it was just "I like him", she really seemed commited to our future, but I think it was the distance that caused all of this. Her falling for someone else and her thinking of losing the spark. I'm just thinking that if it should happen that some day things might not work out with the new guy and I'm in a position where moving would still be an option for me. Couldn't it work out then?

 

B) Yeah that occured to me as well, but at the same she didn't straight jump into a relationship with me, she got to know me first and if you are rebounding and that after 6months of separation and then take that rebound for more than a year while plannin the future and being really happy.

 

C) At the time I knew that she had some sort of feelings for someone else, but she hadn't say there were together and she still hasn't. So I thought that maybe after that month of LC she would be up for the idea.

 

About the friend I actually know it's a bad idea, but I'm kind of desperate to know where I truly stand. And since she went on that trip for her birthday with this friend she would know what's actually going on in her mind.

Why I'm still lingering is because I don't know for a fact that she is dating him. The only hint is that she got valentines roses from someone. And as long as I know for a fact I'm not able to shake the feeling of hope

 

Since I'm not hoping for a quick/immediate fix on this. I can't help but thing that since the relationship was good and we clicked(she agreed on that) and the problem was distance, that why can't it work out if the major problem(distance) is removed..

[Pisipoisu]

I would do anything at my disposal to get my answers, including asking about her, if it helps. A lot of people here will say don't do it, but i believe you've got to be ruthless in finding out. It's like ripping a band aid off.

 

Cheers for the input Cookies101

 

I really want to get actual answers on this, but I do see that it would come off as extremely needy and the chances of this reaching my ex are high. And I really don't want to damage my chances any more if there is anything left to damage.

[ExpatInItaly]

I appreciate the honesty ExpatInItaly

 

A) We were also discussing of me moving to UK as well, since I really didn't want to leave in my home country. So she knew that was a possibility as well. She was the one suggesting NZ in the first place but later said that she didn't want me to quit my job and move to NZ when in the back of her mind she had doubts. Every time we were actually together she was so happy and I felt the love radiate from her. I don't think it was just "I like him", she really seemed commited to our future, but I think it was the distance that caused all of this. Her falling for someone else and her thinking of losing the spark. I'm just thinking that if it should happen that some day things might not work out with the new guy and I'm in a position where moving would still be an option for me. Couldn't it work out then?

 

B) Yeah that occured to me as well, but at the same she didn't straight jump into a relationship with me, she got to know me first and if you are rebounding and that after 6months of separation and then take that rebound for more than a year while plannin the future and being really happy.

 

C) At the time I knew that she had some sort of feelings for someone else, but she hadn't say there were together and she still hasn't. So I thought that maybe after that month of LC she would be up for the idea.

 

About the friend I actually know it's a bad idea, but I'm kind of desperate to know where I truly stand. And since she went on that trip for her birthday with this friend she would know what's actually going on in her mind.

Why I'm still lingering is because I don't know for a fact that she is dating him. The only hint is that she got valentines roses from someone. And as long as I know for a fact I'm not able to shake the feeling of hope

 

Since I'm not hoping for a quick/immediate fix on this. I can't help but thing that since the relationship was good and we clicked(she agreed on that) and the problem was distance, that why can't it work out if the major problem(distance) is removed..

 

Your ex already told you where you stand. She ended it and told you she likes someone else. I'm not sure what more you want to learn, especially from a third party. Take your ex at her word.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter if she is dating this new guy or not. She still didn't want to continue the relationship. That hasn't changed thus far.

She also knew you were willing to close the distance, and she still opted out. That should tell you all you need to know. You clicked and had a good time, but for whatever reason, she unfortunately didn't feel the same way you did. If she did, you'd be working towards this move together.

 

Trying to rationalize or bargain with yourself isn't going to help you move forward. Don't make decisions based on what-ifs or hypothetical situations. The information you currently have, directly from her, is that she didn't want to continue. It's very painful but you have to begin treating this as truly over.

[Pisipoisu]

Your ex already told you where you stand. She ended it and told you she likes someone else. I'm not sure what more you want to learn, especially from a third party. Take your ex at her word.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter if she is dating this new guy or not. She still didn't want to continue the relationship. That hasn't changed thus far.

She also knew you were willing to close the distance, and she still opted out. That should tell you all you need to know. You clicked and had a good time, but for whatever reason, she unfortunately didn't feel the same way you did. If she did, you'd be working towards this move together.

 

Trying to rationalize or bargain with yourself isn't going to help you move forward. Don't make decisions based on what-ifs or hypothetical situations. The information you currently have, directly from her, is that she didn't want to continue. It's very painful but you have to begin treating this as truly over.

 

Yeah you are right. I'm just one of the people that creates hope from even the smalles of things like a thing said or what words were used. (For example her quote: "I want you to be happy, I just don't think I'm the answer to that right now") Pretty sad tho. I really thought I was further along the recovery steps but I guess I'm still back in the beginning of denial.

 

It's just hard to accept that one day she can be so humble and so afraid to lose me and saying I'm the love of her life and sees a future with me and just in the matter of 2 weeks, she develops feelings and gets out. I guess she could have hold on for so long, since she didn't have anyone on the horizon and when she found someone it was a much easier exit for her. Sad to think one side can feel true love while the other is on totally different page. Mysteries of life I guess..

 

I'm still gonna use this thread to vent my concerns and when I get the urge to break NC. I don't want to do it to my friends anymore and if I don't say anything to anyone I'm afraid I'm gonna break and do something stupid.

[Pottig]

My girlfriend of 16 months broke up with me 5 days before Christmas for similar reasons, so I can relate.

 

She was doing a teacher training course and it all went downhill for her. She got so confused about where she was going she told me she couldn't commit 100% and needed to separate to sort herself out. I sent her a ring of hers back to her just over a week ago and she messaged me hoping that I've moved on and that she has met someone else and is happy. She met this guy after we split up, probably about a month after, but I'm not too bothered about him since it's probably to fill the void.

 

I tried the messaging friends thing. Don't do it. It irritated my ex a little, but not too much. Mine is doing the cold/distant thing too. They do it to cut you off to make it easier on both of you I think. Staying friends with someone who you love but can't be with for whatever reason is hard for both of you.

 

As for you two getting back together, I don't really know. You sound pretty long distance and that surely played a big part in her wanting to break up. My ex and I live only an hour apart. I'm moving on OK and would love for her to come back to me, but she has told me that she doesn't want to give me false hope and that we will never be more than friends. That was over a month ago.

 

Girls say a lot of things in breakups and you can't underestimate the effect time has on people. They're emotional beings, far more so than men. I don't want to tell you that she's going to come back, but your situation is so similar to mine. Don't wait on her. Work on yourself, go to the gym and try and move on. Mine claims she has moved on, and I'm sure yours is doing the same. It doesn't mean they have forgotten about you, it just means they don't want a relationship with you for whatever reason at this time. If you treated her well in the relationship and you two had a great thing then she will remember and cherish that. She will have to acknowledge the connection you two shared in the future when things aren't going too well for her. If your situations align and enough time has passed for you two to heal then it may happen, but the important thing is that you keep yourself busy, active and moving forward.

 

I'm not usually one for prophecies, but the suggestion that 'if you were meant to be together, you will find each other again one day' is absolutely true. She knows where you are. She knows how to contact you. And she will if she feels like she wants to give your relationship a second chance.

Edited February 28, 2017 by Pottig

[Pisipoisu]

My girlfriend of 16 months broke up with me 5 days before Christmas for similar reasons, so I can relate.

 

She was doing a teacher training course and it all went downhill for her. She got so confused about where she was going she told me she couldn't commit 100% and needed to separate to sort herself out. I sent her a ring of hers back to her just over a week ago and she messaged me hoping that I've moved on and that she has met someone else and is happy. She met this guy after we split up, probably about a month after, but I'm not too bothered about him since it's probably to fill the void.

 

I tried the messaging friends thing. Don't do it. It irritated my ex a little, but not too much. Mine is doing the cold/distant thing too. They do it to cut you off to make it easier on both of you I think. Staying friends with someone who you love but can't be with for whatever reason is hard for both of you.

 

As for you two getting back together, I don't really know. You sound pretty long distance and that surely played a big part in her wanting to break up. My ex and I live only an hour apart. I'm moving on OK and would love for her to come back to me, but she has told me that she doesn't want to give me false hope and that we will never be more than friends. That was over a month ago.

 

Girls say a lot of things in breakups and you can't underestimate the effect time has on people. They're emotional beings, far more so than men. I don't want to tell you that she's going to come back, but your situation is so similar to mine. Don't wait on her. Work on yourself, go to the gym and try and move on. Mine claims she has moved on, and I'm sure yours is doing the same. It doesn't mean they have forgotten about you, it just means they don't want a relationship with you for whatever reason at this time. If you treated her well in the relationship and you two had a great thing then she will remember and cherish that. She will have to acknowledge the connection you two shared in the future when things aren't going too well for her. If your situations align and enough time has passed for you two to heal then it may happen, but the important thing is that you keep yourself busy, active and moving forward.

 

I'm not usually one for prophecies, but the suggestion that 'if you were meant to be together, you will find each other again one day' is absolutely true. She knows where you are. She knows how to contact you. And she will if she feels like she wants to give your relationship a second chance.

Thanks for your story Pottig and I really apreciate all that you said!

Sad that this happened to you too but also it's nice to know that you can relate to someone.

My ex was really busy as well with work and it really stressed her out. I guess the distance was a major factor, because she said that all she wanted was to cuddle up after a hard days work and she just couldn't get that consolidation through a screen anymore(which is very understandable). Too bad she wasn't up for it even when I tried to remove the distance from the equation.

 

At least she told you straight up that there will be no hope, although I believe opinions and views can change with time. And I don't think that holding onto a small hope in the beginning with the mentality "If it's meant to be, it will be" is such a bad thing. It will let me and people like us focus on the current moment more without having to face everything at the same time. Like the breakup, rejection, confusion, unworthiness, feeling of getting replaced AND the thought of never ever seeing/talking to them again. One step at a time..

 

Yeah I've calmed down a bit and decided not to message the ex's friend. It's not gonna solve anything. I have to keep reminding myself that there isn't anything I can do about our relationship. That ball is in her court. What I can do, is focus on me and keep working on things that would make me more desirable in anyone's eyes.

[Maldives]

Sounds like ur in the denial phase I can empathise I really can been there many times and me too 3 mths now u wI'll move on and so will we both. Wth me i oscillate wether I'd want her back so much has happenned since then wth her I know wat she's been doing and it pla8n hurts and made me detach. Still even today I was holding bac the emotions memories of old times flooded me for some reason she was off sic we work together that's a whole nother thread nightmare to be honest but somehow knowing she wasn't well took me aback

[Pisipoisu]

Sounds like ur in the denial phase I can empathise I really can been there many times and me too 3 mths now u wI'll move on and so will we both. Wth me i oscillate wether I'd want her back so much has happenned since then wth her I know wat she's been doing and it pla8n hurts and made me detach. Still even today I was holding bac the emotions memories of old times flooded me for some reason she was off sic we work together that's a whole nother thread nightmare to be honest but somehow knowing she wasn't well took me aback

 

I think I am jumping between denial, depression and bargaining(with myself). I know mate. Time will take care of the situation one way or another. As long as I start controlling my obsession of hoping.

 

I guess you might have gotten the emotions back because when they used to be sick you would be there for them, but now they don't want that or there could be someone else filling in the role.

 

Goodguy05 do you have a thread about your story?

[fromheart]

Meeting a young woman while traveling, whose just broken up with her boyfriend... I wouldn't put any expectations for a long term relationship in this scenario. Even if you keep in touch you must pretty much expect that she's very likely to meet someone else in her home country.

 

The best thing would be to tell her if she ever wants to visit you in your home country and have a good time she can, and then just go live your life. Until she actually turns up at your door, I wouldn't have had any expectations whatsoever.

 

Keeping in contact when a woman is not interested and sleeping with someone else is saying, 'I am weak and a doormat.' Don't ever do this.

 

Sorry to have to say this but in all likelihood the thing with the co worker has been going on longer than you know about.

 

'Initially she said that she just likes to hang out with him and she doesn't know what these feelings are,' Why did you even keep talking to her after she's come out with something like that?!

She kept saying over and over that "who knows what will happen in the future"

To which you say, 'I know whats happening now, I'm off! See you!'

 

You need to get a little tougher if you want to be happy, and get the relationship and life you deserve. Letting a girl you met on holiday dictate how you feel via long distance communication, is no way to live life. There are plenty of women right where you live. Look after yourself and your happiness first. I suggest you have a look at Corey Wayne on youtube ASAP.

[Pottig]

Thanks for your story Pottig and I really apreciate all that you said!

Sad that this happened to you too but also it's nice to know that you can relate to someone.

My ex was really busy as well with work and it really stressed her out. I guess the distance was a major factor, because she said that all she wanted was to cuddle up after a hard days work and she just couldn't get that consolidation through a screen anymore(which is very understandable). Too bad she wasn't up for it even when I tried to remove the distance from the equation.

 

At least she told you straight up that there will be no hope, although I believe opinions and views can change with time. And I don't think that holding onto a small hope in the beginning with the mentality "If it's meant to be, it will be" is such a bad thing. It will let me and people like us focus on the current moment more without having to face everything at the same time. Like the breakup, rejection, confusion, unworthiness, feeling of getting replaced AND the thought of never ever seeing/talking to them again. One step at a time..

 

Yeah I've calmed down a bit and decided not to message the ex's friend. It's not gonna solve anything. I have to keep reminding myself that there isn't anything I can do about our relationship. That ball is in her court. What I can do, is focus on me and keep working on things that would make me more desirable in anyone's eyes.

 

Yeah she told me straight up. She told me truthfully that she never stopped loving me and that everything just got too much for her, so it's likely a defence mechanism. Cut off all contact with the dumpee and tell them there is no hope to help them, and you, move on. You both have to move on from the breakup if you're going to reconcile in the future anyway.

 

The above poster is right though, it sounds like your ex may have had this guy lined up before she broke up with you. Like I said though, time makes people realise all sorts of things. You had a bond with this girl that the new guy will have to put a lot of hard work in to match. If it doesn't work out then she may realise that she made a mistake. That's the view I'm taking. She's happy now, sure - and I'm happy for her - but I know I have a history with my ex, we loved each other until the end and we have an established connection. That keeps me moving forward, knowing that she will always look back on me fondly. She just wasn't in a good place for the commitment of love and so had to leave me.

 

You're making a good choice in not messaging her friend, trust me. I actually did it twice. The first time my ex sent me a message telling me that I need to move on. The second time the mutual friend told me that she understands my position but didn't want to be a branch between my ex and I. Since the 19th January, I've only made contact with my ex once and that was when she messaged me because I'd mailed her ring back. It's really not worth it. I'm sure your ex would understand your position if you tried to reach out to her but it just works against you. The longer you go NC for the easier it gets, but it is a slow process. Don't be ashamed that it's taking you months to get over it. It just means you loved her and I'm sure she still finds it somewhat painful thinking about you.

 

You're absolutely right. Work on yourself, become a mystery to her again, and don't contact her. If you meant anything to her at all then she won't forget about you. It's easy to think that you didn't when she's being so cold and distant but it's likely an act to help you both move on. When you make yourself Pisipoisu 2.0 you will feel better about yourself, become more attractive to other women and, perhaps when your ex is in a bit of a rut and you have disappeared from her life, you may become an option for her again. It's a painful and brutal time, trust me I know, but it's literally the only thing you can do. Grab life by the balls and show her - and yourself - that you can stand on your own two feet again.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Pottig

[Pisipoisu]

Yeah she told me straight up. She told me truthfully that she never stopped loving me and that everything just got too much for her, so it's likely a defence mechanism. Cut off all contact with the dumpee and tell them there is no hope to help them, and you, move on. You both have to move on from the breakup if you're going to reconcile in the future anyway.

Yeah i do realise that if we did move to NZ or UK or wherever, that at that point it wasnt probably a solution. We both need time to figure some stuff out and I need to grow from this and show does she.

 

The above poster is right though, it sounds like your ex may have had this guy lined up before she broke up with you

We were always honest with eachother and i do trust her. She said that nothing happened between them and he was just there when they went out with a group of people after work. I do think though that him being there gave that last push for her, so she knew that she wouldn't be alone when our relationship ended.

 

Cheers Pottig. Your posts are really helpful. Not giving too much hope, but more like guiding me in the right direction without making me feel worse. Wondering what you are doing to "improve" yourself. I've started to hit the gym more, started to read books about self improvement, contacted old friends and hanging out with my current ones. I'm also going to take a solo trip to Iceland to pursue my hobby of photography. Just dreading the moment when I come back from the trip, because I won't have anything interesting lined up after that.

[Pottig]

Yeah i do realise that if we did move to NZ or UK or wherever, that at that point it wasnt probably a solution. We both need time to figure some stuff out and I need to grow from this and show does she.

 

 

We were always honest with eachother and i do trust her. She said that nothing happened between them and he was just there when they went out with a group of people after work. I do think though that him being there gave that last push for her, so she knew that she wouldn't be alone when our relationship ended.

 

Cheers Pottig. Your posts are really helpful. Not giving too much hope, but more like guiding me in the right direction without making me feel worse. Wondering what you are doing to "improve" yourself. I've started to hit the gym more, started to read books about self improvement, contacted old friends and hanging out with my current ones. I'm also going to take a solo trip to Iceland to pursue my hobby of photography. Just dreading the moment when I come back from the trip, because I won't have anything interesting lined up after that.

 

You're probably right. It will have made it easier for her post-breakup having someone there to fill the void that was there when you weren't.

 

It's alright! It's nice to speak to someone in a similar position. Collect all the good memories you have of her, along with the knowledge that you treated her well and made her feel happy, and that will get you through, honestly. If you know that you two had a strong bond then that should make you proud even if she doesn't end up coming back to you, which you just have to admit isn't a likely possibility.

 

I've had a lot of stuff to do since she broke up with me just before Christmas. My friends have been fantastic and I've had the chance to spend a lot more time with them; I can't thank them enough. I started the gym at the beginning of January (they built a new one by me) and I go at least 3 times a week with a couple of my mates. Earlier in the year I had work experience for my career which not only kept me occupied but also made me feel like I was literally moving forward with my life. And now that I'm not travelling an hour there and back in the car and spending money on dates I have a lot more money to spend, so I've been treating myself to new clothes etc every month. It's the little things like that really. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just make sure you're not stewing at home feeling sorry for yourself. That's when your mind works overtime and analyses your situation. Get yourself out and do something, even if it's something on your own which you find fun/relaxing/cathartic.

 

In the end, all you need to know is that you're a catch for any girl. You pulled off a pretty successful relationship with this girl so you can do it again. She knows what she's missing by not being with you, you just need to keep telling yourself, "you know what, I'm a great guy." Do that and you'll be fine, trust me.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Pottig

[Pisipoisu]

You're probably right. It will have made it easier for her post-breakup having someone there to fill the void that was there when you weren't.

 

It's alright! It's nice to speak to someone in a similar position. Collect all the good memories you have of her, along with the knowledge that you treated her well and made her feel happy, and that will get you through, honestly. If you know that you two had a strong bond then that should make you proud even if she doesn't end up coming back to you, which you just have to admit isn't a likely possibility.

 

I've had a lot of stuff to do since she broke up with me just before Christmas. My friends have been fantastic and I've had the chance to spend a lot more time with them; I can't thank them enough. I started the gym at the beginning of January (they built a new one by me) and I go at least 3 times a week with a couple of my mates. Earlier in the year I had work experience for my career which not only kept me occupied but also made me feel like I was literally moving forward with my life. And now that I'm not travelling an hour there and back in the car and spending money on dates I have a lot more money to spend, so I've been treating myself to new clothes etc every month. It's the little things like that really. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just make sure you're not stewing at home feeling sorry for yourself. That's when your mind works overtime and analyses your situation. Get yourself out and do something, even if it's something on your own which you find fun/relaxing/cathartic.

 

In the end, all you need to know is that you're a catch for any girl. You pulled off a pretty successful relationship with this girl so you can do it again. She knows what she's missing by not being with you, you just need to keep telling yourself, "you know what, I'm a great guy." Do that and you'll be fine, trust me.

 

I had bad moments tho when I start to doubt myself and if she did have a as strong connection with me. I mean I felt it at the time, but because she can just get up and walk away like that makes me have doubts, which I hate, because that would make everything I thought being real and authentic to be actually not so. On the other hand at times I remember the times I made her smile and laugh and how I felt that radiating attraction from her. It's just a mental roller coaster mate

 

Yeah I know that the chances of her coming back are slim to none, especially because she is a very independent/stubborn girl and if she would get to the point where she would have doubts I don't think she would contact me just because she already made the choice and saw how much it hurt me. Too be fair I think you have a much higher chance of getting her back than I do, just because of the distance issue alone

[Pottig]

I had bad moments tho when I start to doubt myself and if she did have a as strong connection with me. I mean I felt it at the time, but because she can just get up and walk away like that makes me have doubts, which I hate, because that would make everything I thought being real and authentic to be actually not so. On the other hand at times I remember the times I made her smile and laugh and how I felt that radiating attraction from her. It's just a mental roller coaster mate

 

Yeah I know that the chances of her coming back are slim to none, especially because she is a very independent/stubborn girl and if she would get to the point where she would have doubts I don't think she would contact me just because she already made the choice and saw how much it hurt me. Too be fair I think you have a much higher chance of getting her back than I do, just because of the distance issue alone

 

Yeah, I know how you feel. It's like they just dropped all feelings for you in a heartbeat and don't care about you anymore. That's probably not true though. If she ever loved you it would be inhuman for her to just forget about you. It's likely you'll have a little place in her heart for a long time. Don't let that bother you. The new guy will be keeping her mind occupied for the most part but you'll still be in her thoughts. There's nothing she can do to stop that. Remember, if you're gone from her life and you're not messaging her either then she's probably thinking the same thing about you now and again. These things work both ways and whatever you're feeling towards her she's probably feeling towards you too, albeit to a slightly lesser extent.

 

Your ex sounds just like mine. I know if mine were to come back she would be absolutely respectful and mature about it and say everything she knows I'd want to hear straight up to make things up to me. Mine is a strong girl too and is stubborn (which is why we were such a good match ) and so when she's made decisions she tends to make them with conviction. The distance is a big thing in your case to be honest. Part of it may be that they feel like they hurt you too much to go back. There's often a large amount of guilt on the shoulders of the person who initiated the breakup and this can play into their actions post-breakup too, perhaps hence the cold/distant attitude towards you.

 

As far as my ex is concerned, I'm not sure. I'm not waiting on her to come back, though I would still like her to. I left the door open for her and I am fairly certain this new guy she is with will falter at some point and they will split up. I don't know if you've ever watched The Sopranos, but if our relationship were a TV show it would be that. It didn't end with a bang nor did it fizzle out, it just sort of ended. As a result I can't get this nagging feeling out of my gut that we will, at the very least, reconnect as friends in the future since there was really no animosity between us and the reason for the breakup was so fixable. With time perhaps she will see the light. Like I said to you, I know I did all I could in the relationship and I was one of the best things to happen to her (she told me the whole time), so I have that bond with her still intact. She will look back on me fondly and I will be out of her life, so maybe she will reconsider her choices. Time reveals all my friend.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Pottig

[Maldives]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/614633-pain-working-together-doing-my-head-gets-worse-kinda-overtime-stuc

[Maldives]

This one's a unique break up that's for sure working together lol enjoy

[Pisipoisu]

This one's a unique break up that's for sure working together lol enjoy

 

The Sopranos, but if our relationship were a TV show it would be that. It didn't end with a bang nor did it fizzle out, it just sort of ended.

 

I will definitely read your thread Goodguy05. I did find a post by jamili and i think its very well written and a great advice will quote it here

 

Here's my opinion: the letter is not a good idea. I think there might be a time to talk to her about these things in the future, but now is too soon, and unfortunately sending her a letter like this will not look good for you. I think Ronnie above me has good points, but I must disagree that sending this letter is a good idea. I urge you to search through LS archives, other forums, friends, family, etc and see if you can find one, single account EVER documented that sending a letter ever helped get an ex back. In fact, i am willing to bet almost all of them had the reverse effect. Basically, the odds are greatly against you that the letter will have any positive effect, but the chances are strong that it will push her further away. Its a massive risk, and personally one i wouldnt take.

 

Now here's another thing you need to understand. Its 2 months in. The breakup is still fresh, for the both of you. There are many psychological studies, real world accounts, and evidence that shows that, typically, dumpers (especially female dumpers) dont even BEGIN to feel the loss of the dumpee for at LEAST 6 months in. The first few months are usually relief, and then a sense of freedom. A "high" of sorts. Her emotions and the realization of the breakup has been suppressed naturally by her subconscious, as a sort of coping mechanism to better handle the loss of you. You neeed to give this TIME. The pain you are currently experiencing will not be felt by her for many more months. Maybe even longer, but you MUST take a leap of faith here and wait!

 

Dont contact her at all, wait for her to contact you. This could take months, a year, or even more! But you have to let her do that. Be a total ghost and evaporate from her life until that happens. And my bet is she will contact you someday. DO NOT fall for the "ex back in 30 days" stuff you find online. Its mostly BS. The thing is you both need to completely move on for this to work, and no one moves on in 30 days... especially a long relationship like this one.

 

You have to move on, and she has to move on. The only reconciliations ive ever heard about, or read about, or even seen were after both parties moved on, experienced some life without the other person, and later found each other again. You both have to grow, you both have to learn more about yourselves and evolve from this, and then come back together as different people.

 

Let her experience life without you. Let her feel, and really internalize the loss of you. Time will go by, months will pass, she'll date other guys and see whats out there. Then, after all that, she might come to miss you, and moss some things about you that other guys dont quite possess. Everyone is unique. She will find this out. And IF you are the right man for her, it will click in her, and THAT is when she will contact you and try to come back. IF that happens... But only then, is it possible.

 

Same with you. Date other girls, grow as a person, get a feel for whats out there. You will mature emotionally and these skills are useful if she comes back or not. Maybe you will come to find she wasnt the one afterall, who knows. The key is you both have to go through this phase. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. Anyone who gets back together before this process takes place, is probably going to break up again.

 

Essentially- Its out of your control. But take comfort in that fact too, because there isnt anything you can do to make her come back. There are, however, things you can do to make her not want to come back, and i strongly believe that letter could be one of them. Vent to us here. You can talk about this stuffin person if she comes back someday.

 

Hang in there, and move forward. 2 months is the beginning of this long journey!

[Pottig]

That last quote pretty much nailed it.

 

Both of you move on. If it was meant to be, she will come back to you. No need to worry about her forgetting you if you were ever a big part of her life. When you've been in love, 2 months is not a long time to get over the breakup. I imagine the more they insist they've moved on quickly the more likely it is they are still coming to terms with it

[Maldives]

That last quote pretty much nailed it.

 

Both of you move on. If it was meant to be, she will come back to you. No need to worry about her forgetting you if you were ever a big part of her life. When you've been in love, 2 months is not a long time to get over the breakup. I imagine the more they insist they've moved on quickly the more likely it is they are still coming to terms with it

 

Ur not wrong the problem wth these break ups is theres pain trust broken it makes it even harder to work out then if ud stayed together. Having said that alot of the time wen u try and work it out together we often don't get it and can't see the log in our own eye it's a double edged sword lol. Good councillor cld help altho I've never even gotten that far most my ex's at this point weren't interested. Some people on here hav mentioned yrs apart after the break up and u hook up again ur both healed from the old relationship and the lessons learned and a new one Springs altho I have no idea how often this happens.

[Pisipoisu]

That last quote pretty much nailed it.

 

Both of you move on. If it was meant to be, she will come back to you. No need to worry about her forgetting you if you were ever a big part of her life. When you've been in love, 2 months is not a long time to get over the breakup. I imagine the more they insist they've moved on quickly the more likely it is they are still coming to terms with it

Yeah, I really have to accept that there is nothing I can do in this situation except mess it up more. I've unfollowed her on instagram as well, but if I'm honest I can't help but check it once a day(it's public). Even tho I am fully aware it's just stopping me from moving on. I can't understand how my rational mind isn't able to stop me from doing these things. It's quite strange that during mornings missing her is the worst, but by I get to the evening I'm able to calm myself down a bit.

 

Pottig make sure you come back to the forum if there are any changes in your situation. Even if it is bad or good.

[Pottig]

Yeah, I really have to accept that there is nothing I can do in this situation except mess it up more. I've unfollowed her on instagram as well, but if I'm honest I can't help but check it once a day(it's public). Even tho I am fully aware it's just stopping me from moving on. I can't understand how my rational mind isn't able to stop me from doing these things. It's quite strange that during mornings missing her is the worst, but by I get to the evening I'm able to calm myself down a bit.

 

Pottig make sure you come back to the forum if there are any changes in your situation. Even if it is bad or good.

 

I've been going through that exact same thing. She deleted me on Facebook/Snapchat etc. in mid-January, probably to help her healing process, and her Instagram is private. But I have still been looking at it to see if there are any changes. I don't really do it so much anymore because I'm trying to stop myself and I am doing OK at moving on. You just have to tell yourself to not bother. I had my ex blocked on Facebook for a while and it really helped to move me along. You should just delete all her social media accounts for a while and see how it helps you.

 

The mornings are always the worst mate. I wake up every morning with a stabbing pain knowing that I'm not with her anymore. Then I get up and do my thing in the day and by the evening I'm fine. Then that just repeats every day. It's probably similar for her. Funnily enough, my ex introduced me to this song in the summer which perfectly sums that up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn-enjcgV1o. Listen to the opening lines

 

Spending all my nights, all my money going out on the town

Doing anything just to get you off my mind

But when the morning comes, I'm right back where I started again

Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

 

I've found music -- strangely, a lot of the songs my ex introduced me to -- has been helpful when it comes to healing.

 

I will bookmark this page and let you know of any updates I don't think it really gets worse for me at this point. It can only get better. If she comes back to me I'll let you know, even if it's 6 months down the line!

[Pisipoisu]

Hey. Been okay for the most part. Really tried to focus on my goals and on myself. The last two days have been bad tho. Now i know i was a good BF. I really made sure she knew she was loved and I had her back. Even with all the distance I tried to cheer her up in different ways. But now i have doupts that i could still have done more (a better yet differently) if i had the knoledge i have now. I know ittakes two to break up and she made her fair share of mistakses.

 

I just needed to vent that. I know im a good guy, but I also know that i probably was too "good". I tend to be the "nice" guy and it has cost me relationships before. I really tried to tone it down in this relationship, but I think in the end when I saw her slipping away I kind of lost focus on everything else. I've had people tell me that that's something I shouldn't have to change about myself, but I really feel I need to.

 

I just hate that I blew my chance with her, and if I had the clarity I have now, I'd be in a different spot