ceil Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I could really use some advice. My ex broke up with me at the beginning of January after 4 years together. It was my first relationship (I'm not super young, just not really a serial dater), and I am still very in love with him. We were long distance for the last year and a half, and he started having doubts 6 months before the breakup because he is very Catholic and I am not Catholic, but he didn't say anything. What ended up happening was that he decided he needed to be with a Catholic woman and marry a Catholic wife and broke up with me out of the blue. The thing is, I am totally open to becoming Catholic. We never really talked about it seriously, so I was surprised he broke up with me without seeing what I thought about Catholicism. I was blindsided when he broke up and did no contact to let the dust settle, then I wrote him a letter explaining how hurtful it was to be dumped suddenly without him even willing to talk about it, and how I was open to Catholicism and I wish he had just talked to me. He wrote me back, and the letter had a glimmer of hope because he said if I thought I could be Catholic, he was open to talking about what a new relationship would look like together. I was really excited after reading that. I thought it meant we could talk about starting fresh, and maybe even talk about how we could build a stronger relationship in the future together. But when we talked on the phone for the first time since the breakup, he said he was actually at peace with it all. I feel crushed all over again. I feel like he made the wrong decision, but don't know how to communicate that. I don't want to be some overbearing ex, so I've kept my distance (easier because we were long distance). But the feeling of loss hasn't gone away. I feel like I miss him more every day, and I get down on myself about a couple fights we had where I can understand why he would think I wasn't open to Catholicism. I wish I could change things, but I can't. I'm trying to figure out how to be OK with this new reality, and how to stop hoping he'll come back to me. I'm not delusional that I'll never find love again, but I really did love him for who he was, and I wanted him in my life as a partner. How can I stop feeling so attached after being dumped like this? I keep thinking of ways to show him I could become Catholic, and show him that the judgment he made about me was wrong, but I think that could make me fall deeper into this hope that he'll return. I've thought of sending him texts with the intent of trying to subtly "win" him back by showing him that I am capable of being a good Catholic, but I feel like if I try to do this and he just ends up dating someone else, I'll just get stuck in continuous heartbreak and on top of it will have religious issues too. I feel like this whole thing has shown me how unconditionally I loved the guy. I know I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them, but it's hard when what I know I deserve isn't what I want. How can I stop loving my ex in this way? How do you let go of love that isn't conditional on how they treat you? And how can I stop hoping he'll come back to me and just live my life again? I really want him back. And if it's impossible, I want to at least be able to go a couple hours without painfully thinking about him or missing him as much as I do. Please help
amaysngrace Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Maybe he met somebody at his church? I'm sorry you're sad but I don't really think you should bother yourself with him. If your religious beliefs were a problem he should have never dated you to begin with. He sounds like a flake. 2
Author ceil Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 amaysngrace--Hmm I don't think he met someone else, in general or at his church, but I guess I wouldn't know. You calling him a flake made me smile haha. Thank you for replying. I wish I could flip a switch and just not love him, you know? It feels like that's what he did to me.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I don't think this is about religion, really. He knew you weren't Catholic going in. If he were serious about a future with you, he would have talked to you about joining the Church. If you had never shown any opposition to his religious beliefs, I can't see why he wouldn't have discussed this - unless that's simply not all there was to it. So as hard as it is, I don't think you trying to prove yourself to him now is going to make much difference. My guess is he either met someone else or simply lost interest, and is using religion as a way out, knowing you can't really argue against it. I'm very sorry, OP. It's hard to lose your first love, especially in circumstances like this. Time really does help. It will hurt for a while, but slowly, you will feel better.
Author ceil Posted March 17, 2017 Author Posted March 17, 2017 Hi there! I was dumped out of the blue two and a half months ago. We dated for almost 4 years and weren't fighting, so it came as a shock. We were long distance and he just didn't bring up religious concerns he had until he made the decision to end it. Needless to say, I was devastated. I didn't do/say anything stupid during the breakup, so there isn't bad blood between us, and I still love the guy despite everything. I catch myself clinging to false hope sometimes that he'll realize the breakup was a mistake and come back. I know this is not only almost impossible, but also harmful in my recovery to think this way. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be over the moon if he came back. Any tips on how to get myself excited about a future without him in the picture? How do you stop hoping an ex you love will return?
breadbin Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 hey ceil, i think distraction helps. Fill your life with family and friends, hobbies, pets and exercise. Sing, play a musical instrument. Stuff like yoga helps the body and soul. I am right where you are. I can't do many of them things because I am still in shock. Everyday is a brand new day and be proud of the things you do that day. You miss your ex because you are thinking of him. It sounds awful, 4 years is an awful long time to be invested in someone. So distract your mind with anything to keep you from thinking of him. I know some people might argue against this and say it is just bottling your emotions up but right now you have to heal. You can unbottle your emotions when you are ready:)
harrybrown Posted March 17, 2017 Posted March 17, 2017 Sometimes counseling can help. And finding someone new. Hope you find someone when you are ready and after you are thru pining for him.
PinkElephants Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 Read your first post and it might really have been about religion although he took a cruel amount of time to figure it out. I have a friend that's Christian and very serious about. He described his relationship with God as something he feels and breathes every day; it's as much an unchangeable part of him as his eye color. He started dating someone that he really liked knowing she wasn't religious but, shortly thereafter, realized he needed someone as passionate about it as he was. He struggled with the decision, talked to church friends and his family, he hoped she'd convert but she wouldn't. I doubt it would have mattered if she did. He wanted someone who would push him on his religious journey; someone who would cheer him on and race by his side. Not someone who's plodding along behind because she has to. Maybe your ex wants the same. He's not wrong to want it but he really should have known within weeks or months like my friend did. To take 4 years is mean. Seal him out emotionally by repeating that if he was the one he'd be with you. If he left you once he'll leave you again. The chances of him staying the second time are worse than the first so it doesn't make sense to wish for more heartbreak. What's something you've always wanted to do? Something you wish you could have done but didn't have time because you were glued to skype with him? Whatever it is go do it! You can also get over him by getting under someone else. As a non-religious person you have the perk of not being bound by sexual guilt
preraph Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 How to stop hoping he'll come back is you stop leaving that decision in his hands and decide to run your own life and move on forward without him. You can't wait for someone to decide these things for you. Religion and having kids or not are basic requirements that need to be right to be together and marry. You're not Catholic. Converting just to make him happy won't really make you Catholic, really. He doesn't want you bad enough to marry a nonCatholic, so he doesn't want you very bad. And you shouldn't want someone who doesn't value you any more than that. Sounds to me like his ethics are kind of misplaced. 1
Lostandconfused12 Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 My ex broke up with me 2.5 months ago, out of no where, after 7 years. I was so deppressed and crazy for that first month. Thinking I'd never get over him. But life has a funny way of working. It's only been 2.5 months but I am so much happier on my own and I thank god everyday for the blessings that surrounded my life after. Truly, you will get over him. My ex has been harassing me for the past two days begging and crying saying he made a mistake. Instead of googling ways to get an ex back, I'm googling ways to block a number. Trust me god is good and will guide you. Trust me I wanted to die at first but it was the best thing to ever happen to me. It's scary sometimes but you just need to go with it. I promise you, there's only one way to go from here, up.
Lostandconfused12 Posted March 18, 2017 Posted March 18, 2017 Hi there! I was dumped out of the blue two and a half months ago. We dated for almost 4 years and weren't fighting, so it came as a shock. We were long distance and he just didn't bring up religious concerns he had until he made the decision to end it. Needless to say, I was devastated. I didn't do/say anything stupid during the breakup, so there isn't bad blood between us, and I still love the guy despite everything. I catch myself clinging to false hope sometimes that he'll realize the breakup was a mistake and come back. I know this is not only almost impossible, but also harmful in my recovery to think this way. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be over the moon if he came back. Any tips on how to get myself excited about a future without him in the picture? How do you stop hoping an ex you love will return? You set in your mind that you don't want him back and start making a new life. I was broken up with 2.5 months ago too. I moved on. I made new friends. I moved. I've been truly lucky. Only time will tell. I even started talking to a new man who I'm really enjoying. Just be happy being you. Alone. And things will follow. Funny thing is, they only come back once you moved on. The last text I got from my ex who broke my heart, was "so you don't want me back? Wow I guess the tables have turned" after his harrassemebt and crying. Point is, you don't want him back. Put it in your head, and watch how wonderful your life becomes. I promise you. I was in a 7 year relationship I'm sure you can imagine how hard things were to try and figure out how to live without them. The grass ain't greener for him, but turns out it was for me.
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